Water's Edge

by Genevieve Fortin

  Emilie blinked slowly and when she opened her eyes again she focused on Angeline’s. “I’m saying you could come with me, Angeline. There’s no rule that says you have to go to Rimouski with Joseph. If I can live as an unmarried woman in Boston, so could you. Maurice says there are many unmarried women living in lodging houses and working in Boston. We could both do it, Angeline. Together. Can you imagine? We could be so…”

  “Happy,” Angeline finished.

  “Yes.” Emilie’s smile widened and Angeline smiled too. Her Emilie was back. The one who made her believe everything was possible. The one who didn’t let obstacles or conventions stop her. She thought she’d lost her forever.

  Angeline was glad Emilie was back, but she couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to the more serious and cautious Emilie of the past two years, the Emilie who’d pushed Angeline toward her brother.

  “But wait, Emilie. I thought you wanted me to marry your brother. You’re the one who convinced me to accept him as a suitor, remember? You said I couldn’t spend my life discussing books and gossiping with my best friend. Do you remember?”

  Her own tears took her by surprise. She wasn’t sure if they were tears of sadness from remembering the moment she’d felt rejected by her best friend, tears of joy from Emilie’s change of heart, or tears of frustration from knowing that it might be too late for that change. How was she supposed to break her engagement with Joseph now? It would break his heart, and he didn’t deserve that after being nothing but good to her.

  “I remember, my sweet Angeline. I just wanted you to be happy. I still do. But I don’t think you have to get married to Joseph to be happy. Not anymore. And more than anything I know I can’t be happy if you’re not with me.”

  Angeline kept crying but these new tears were from a heart filled with happiness at Emilie’s declaration. “Oh, Emilie, I can’t be happy without you either.”

  Emilie pulled Angeline into her arms. She was back to being the strong one, holding Angeline as she dried her tears on the black fabric covering Emilie’s shoulder.

  “I’m not asking you to make any decision right now, Angeline,” Emilie whispered tenderly into Angeline’s ear. “I know you have a lot to think about. Just promise me you realize that you have more than one option and that you will consider all of your options carefully.”

  “I promise,” Angeline answered without hesitation. Her mind was already overwhelmed with thoughts but she let Emilie rock her gently before dusk fell on them much too soon and they had to go back to their respective triple-deckers for the night.

  That night over dinner, Joseph told Emilie and their father he would be leaving for Rimouski after the Christmas holiday with Angeline. Their father was pleased with the decision. Then Emilie told both men about Maurice’s friend in Boston, the bookstore, and the lodging house. Joseph said with genuine concern that it couldn’t be safe for a woman to live by herself in a large city like Boston. Their father ended the conversation stating it had to be safer than the cotton mill and left the dining table to go pray in the bedroom he’d shared with their mother.

  Emilie was now in bed but she couldn’t sleep. Ever since her older half-brothers had left the apartment, she’d taken their room while Joseph remained in the parlor. She had her own bedroom and she was happy about that, but she often suffered from insomnia and sometimes it felt like there was now too much space for her never-ending profusion of thoughts within these four walls. She massaged the wrinkle between her eyebrows with her thumb, as if the pressure could make the worries that caused it to go away.

  She worried about her father. She wondered if he would ever leave his bedroom once she and Joseph were gone. She knew he would keep going to work, at least, as a form of self-punishment for her mother’s death. He would endure the cotton mill’s damp, deadly air until his last breath. That’s what she knew her father was convinced he had to pay for bringing his wife to Fall River and making her work in the cotton mill that eventually killed her.

  Outside of work, however, he would probably stay in his bedroom, forgetting to eat, bathe, take care of himself in any way. Emilie wished he would accept Edouard’s invitation to stay with him and his family. Realistically, he couldn’t afford to live in this apartment by himself and would sooner or later be evicted. The fact that her father, who’d been so proud, would be forced out of yet another home, broke Emilie’s heart.

  He’d been forced out of Rimouski by circumstances out of his control but ultimately it had been his choice to leave and take his family to the United States. This time it would be different. He would be kicked out like a worthless old man. It was painful to think about it but Emilie couldn’t stay to take care of him. He wouldn’t let her even if she begged him.

  Emilie turned to her left side as if the new position could chase her thoughts away. All she achieved was to replace thoughts of her father with thoughts of Angeline. What had gotten into her that afternoon, asking Angeline to break her engagement to Joseph and follow her to Boston? When she cried into the nook of Angeline’s neck and breathed in the delicate scent of her skin, she couldn’t control herself, it had just happened. She’d become intoxicated, excited by the proximity of Angeline’s body, and the only clarity in her mind at that moment had been that she couldn’t live without Angeline. She had to have Angeline close to her at all times, in Boston or anywhere else.

  She would have to learn to keep her physical reactions under control, of course. She didn’t know much more about the disease that was Sapphism than the day she’d learned it existed beside the fact that she was undeniably affected. She hoped she would find out more about her condition in Boston, where she would have access to so much more knowledge. She hoped she would also learn to control it and keep Angeline safe from it. She was willing to do anything she needed to do to keep Angeline safe, but staying away from her could no longer be the only solution. She wasn’t willing to accept or live with that solution. She needed Angeline in her life. As a friend and as the person she loved more than anyone else in the world. There was nothing wrong with loving Angeline as long as that love remained chaste. Was there?

  “No, there’s nothing wrong with loving her,” Emilie whispered, trying to convince herself as she attempted to block any thought of shortcomings her love for Angeline may have, like the lack of physical intimacy and the impossibility of giving her children. Other than those deficiencies, she could give Angeline everything else her brother had to offer.

  She would find a way to provide for her, to protect her, to cherish her. They would be together and that was all that really mattered, she repeated to herself. And since Joseph didn’t plan to leave before Christmas, she still had time to convince Angeline to believe the same.

  She let her mind go back to the way Angeline’s blue eyes had lit up when Emilie had admitted she couldn’t live without her. She grinned. It was clear Angeline wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with Angeline. All she needed to do was convince Angeline to put her desires before her duty. It would be difficult, certainly, but not impossible.

  Chapter Thirteen

  February 1898

  Angeline still spent most Sunday afternoons with Emilie, under their buttonwood tree when the weather allowed it. When it was cold and windy like today, however, the time they used to spend in Angeline’s bedroom was now spent at the Levesque apartment instead of the home Angeline shared with her sister’s family. It gave Angeline a little time away from the children. She loved her nieces and nephews, but they were not her children.

  Angeline found lately that she craved a home of her own and her own family to take care of. So much so that she would have married Joseph without hesitation even though she knew what she felt for him was not the kind of love she’d learned about in Emilie’s books. But she hadn’t been able to take that step yet, and the one and only reason was Emilie.

  The other reason why they met at the Levesque apartment was because they were most often alone, or almost alone. Emilie’s fathe
r remained locked up in his bedroom and Joseph busied himself elsewhere, giving them what he called “ladies time.” They took full advantage of this time. Emilie made tea and they sat sometimes at the kitchen table and other times, like today, on Emilie’s bed. Then they talked. But they didn’t talk about books or Flint gossips. Their conversations had changed drastically ever since Emilie had asked Angeline not to marry her brother and follow her to Boston instead, taking a direction Angeline and Emilie had never dared before. The future. A future they would share together.

  Emilie did most of the talking. She spoke of the room they’d share and how Emilie would work and take care of Angeline. They didn’t need much, she said. God knows they weren’t used to much. At night they would discover Boston together and perhaps meet with other single women who chose to live outside of the norms, women who refused the married life society tried to force upon them, or even married women who questioned the place of women in conventional marriage and in society in general. Women like Susan B. Anthony who had been fighting for years to earn the right to vote. Someday, Emilie swore, women would earn every right men already had simply because they were born male. There were many women like them who wanted something different, she assured Angeline, and there was nothing wrong with it.

  Yet Emilie always spoke in a low voice, making sure her father couldn’t hear a single word of her promises. Angeline wasn’t a fool. She knew the life Emilie painted with such pretty colors would be much harder in reality. Even in Boston, people would point fingers and judge, and without a man to open doors for them, they would find most doors would remain shut in their face. She knew the life Emilie described would be one of hardship, but Angeline listened anyway. She listened and somehow couldn’t help but want that life with Emilie. She would be with Emilie, after all, and that’s what she really wanted, wasn’t it?

  “Have you talked to Joseph yet?”

  The question Emilie asked with such hope brought Angeline back to the dilemma she’d been both facing and avoiding for five months. “No, I haven’t talked to him.” She paused before adding, “I haven’t made a decision yet, Emilie.”

  The deep and heavy sigh Emilie let out broke Angeline’s heart. Emilie had been smiling a lot more lately as she planned their future and organized their life in Boston. Angeline had seen hope and happiness take root in her friend, and she liked the effect it had on her. Knowing that she had the power with just a few words to send Emilie back to a state of such deep sorrow and worry hurt her, but she couldn’t lie to Emilie. She hadn’t made any promises. She simply couldn’t.

  Emilie’s description of their future excited her and tempted her, yes, but a part of her was unable to give up on living a more quiet life, with a husband and children. A life she might not have to fight for with every breath. A life she might just be able to live peacefully, day in and day out.

  The truth was that she didn’t have the courage Emilie had. She didn’t have the same will or urge to fight. A part of her wanted to go ahead and do it so she could be with Emilie, but another part wanted the tranquillity she knew she’d have to give up forever to be with her.

  She looked at Emilie’s frail body kneeling on the bed, as if begging for Angeline to make a decision, the decision she was convinced was right. It would be easy to say yes at this very moment, just to see a smile come back to Emilie’s lips, but she couldn’t. Instead, Angeline pushed back a strand of black hair that had escaped Emilie’s chignon and murmured, “I will decide soon, Emilie. I promise.”

  She’d hoped Emilie’s features would soften at her commitment and they almost did before Emilie sighed again and stood up. She faced Angeline, who was still sitting on the edge of the bed, and took Angeline’s hands in hers, slowly massaging her skin with her thumbs. Emilie looked down at their joined hands for several seconds as if gathering her thoughts. At last, Emilie fixed her black stare on Angeline’s eyes and announced. “It will have to be very soon, Angeline.”

  Angeline swallowed. She knew an ultimatum would come eventually but she didn’t expect it now. “How soon?” she asked in a barely audible voice.

  “When I was at Maurice’s earlier we read a letter he’d just received from his friend in Boston. He’s expecting me at the bookstore in two weeks from today. His clerk is moving away and if I don’t take the position now, I may never have another chance.” Emilie’s voice caught and she took a deep breath before she continued. “I want you to come with me more than anything, Angeline, but please understand that I have to go.” After a moment of hesitation, Emilie added, “With or without you.”

  Angeline could have sworn her heart stopped beating and it might not have started again if she and Emilie hadn’t been abruptly interrupted by the sound of a door slamming and Joseph’s voice calling their names from the kitchen. Emilie quickly dropped Angeline’s hands and Angeline stood up just as fast as if they’d been caught doing something wrong.

  They exchanged a last glance and she hoped Emilie could see her own despair as well as Angeline could see hers. Then they joined Joseph in the kitchen.

  Joseph had asked to talk to Angeline alone and since Emilie had to prepare dinner for their father, Angeline put on her long, heavy coat and followed Joseph outside for a walk in the February cold that penetrated through the wool all the way to her bones. She knew that the chill was not entirely due to the weather. She hated leaving Emilie after what she’d just learned, but quickly realized Joseph seemed just as perturbed as his sister. Reluctantly, she tried to put her unfinished conversation with Emilie in the back of her mind and focus on Joseph. As they walked briskly, she held Joseph’s arm and stayed close to him in an effort to warm up.

  They’d walked two blocks before Joseph finally spoke. “Angeline, I think you can agree that I’ve been patient,” he started.

  Angeline didn’t let go of Joseph’s arm but put more distance between them as they slowed their pace. Surely Joseph couldn’t choose the same day for his own ultimatum, could he? She didn’t like the way the conversation was beginning, but she couldn’t disagree with him. Joseph had been more patient than she was entitled to ask any man to be. “Yes, you’ve been very patient, Joseph. And I truly appreciate it.”

  They reached their bench, the one where they’d shared their first kiss, and they sat, Angeline trembling in the cold. He put his strong arm around her shoulders and started rubbing her arm in an effort to keep her warm. He sighed before he spoke again. “I’d keep being patient forever if I could. I think you know that. But…”

  He stopped talking and Angeline surprised herself worrying more about the expression she saw in his face than about what he was trying to say. The same profile that always seemed so impassible was marked with concern, perhaps even fear. She’d never seen that crease between his eyebrows before, the same kind that had almost become a permanent feature on Emilie’s face. Something was most definitely wrong. “But what, Joseph? Please say what you have to say. You’re scaring me.”

  He turned slightly on the bench so he could look at her in the eye when he finally explained what was troubling him. “I don’t think we can wait anymore, Angeline. We should be going to Rimouski and get married right away. I think we’ll be safer there.”

  Yes, it seemed to be the ultimatum Angeline had feared, but Joseph also appeared to have a good reason. “Why now? Did something happen?”

  He hesitated. “I don’t want to trouble your mind with news you don’t need to worry about, Angeline, but yes, something happened. I know it’s my job to protect you from the craziness that happens in this world but in this case I think you need to know.”

  Angeline was both touched and annoyed by Joseph’s consideration. Mostly annoyed. “You don’t have to protect me from anything, Joseph. I can take the truth. Tell me.”

  “All right, then. A few days ago a ship, the USS Maine, mysteriously exploded off the coast of Havana. I’ve been talking with other men and they think this may force the United States to get involved in the Cuban war for independence
from Spain. And I’m beginning to think the same.”

  Angeline hoped her expression was not quite as puzzled as she felt, but she’d asked for the truth so she had to make the effort to understand it. “I’m sorry, Joseph, but I don’t see what that has to do with us rushing to Rimouski now.”

  Joseph’s smile was tender but almost condescending, as if he’d expected she wouldn’t see how both events were linked. “If the United States gets involved, Angeline, it means they will declare war against Spain. And they will need men to fight that war. Do you understand now?”

  Angeline gasped. “Oh no, Joseph.” She understood all too well. Joseph wanted to go back to Canada before he was forced to go to war. It made perfect sense.

  “I don’t want to fight a war that has nothing to do with me, with us and with our plans. If I’d had it my way we’d be in Canada already and the possibility would not even exist. Even if we’d left right after Christmas like we were supposed to…” He stopped himself but Angeline knew how frustrated he’d been when she’d asked him to wait a little longer. Again. “But the threat is here now, Angeline, and it’s real. I know I’m rushing you and that’s not what I want but I don’t have any other choice. We have to leave before it’s too late. You understand?”

  “Yes. Yes, of course I understand.” Thoughts of Joseph being killed in a war she hadn’t even known was threatening them filled Angeline’s mind. It made no sense for Joseph to stay in this country and die for a cause they knew nothing about. He had to go back to Canada now. If he stayed for her and something happened to him, she couldn’t live with the guilt. And she really didn’t want anything to happen to Joseph. She loved him. As a friend, as a companion, as family. So she had to go with him and get married, didn’t she? It was her duty, wasn’t it?