Finding Your Feet

by Cass Lennox

  “Then dinner was fun, like actually fun, and he just looked so delicious . . .” Gigi gave him the wide-eyed puppy treatment. “What do I do?”

  Oh good God. Tyler was ready to smash Brock’s and Gigi’s heads together. “Talk to him,” he said drily.

  “I can’t do that!”

  “Vanilla almond extra-dry latte, up!” The barista eyed Gigi as he came up to collect it. “You should definitely talk to him.”

  Gigi retrieved his coffee, blushing madly, and they left the café. As they walked to QS, Gigi wailing the entire way, Tyler couldn’t help looking forward to lunchtime practice with Evie. She would be relatively soothing after this soap opera of a coffee run.

  Training went perfectly, no doubt because he’d actually slept well for once, and he emerged from it feeling amazing. Gigi was ambushed by an enthusiastic Mark straight afterwards, and Tyler avoided them as he made his way to their practice room. He’d booked the same one, so he wasn’t surprised to find Evie there already, sitting on the floor listening to music.

  She looked sad.

  As soon as she saw him, though, she smiled and pulled out her earbuds. “Good morning.”

  She seemed okay now. “Hey.”

  She put away her MP3 player. “Where’s the film crew?”

  “Hopefully watching Mark torture Gigi,” he said.

  She smirked. “Better him than us.”

  “You wouldn’t believe the drama this morning,” he said.

  She shook out her legs and started warming up. “Drama? Do tell.”

  He filled her in on the coffee run as they stretched, making her laugh.

  “Brock has his work cut out for him.” She rose gracefully to her feet.

  Oh, those legs. He coughed. “Technically, Brock is reaping what he sowed.”

  She smiled at that.

  Oh, that smile. Jeez, Ty, head together, please. Tyler set his player into the studio stereo, fiddling with it longer than strictly necessary so he could get his shit together enough to remember the routine. He turned around to see her going through the steps, so he stayed where he was to see how she did. She knew the routine up to the first chorus, then she fumbled, struggling with the move order. Those lines appeared on her brow, which meant it was time for him to do his teacher thing.

  “Lindy, kick, lindy, then spin, then kick,” he instructed, performing the steps for her.

  She nodded and repeated the moves, her whole body slow and heavy. None of her usual verve was there today.

  He frowned. That was worrying. There was definitely something bugging her.

  They walked through the routine, then took it from the top, almost getting it right the whole way through. The trick with the routine was to do it right and quickly. He’d hoped they’d have the routine down by this third session so they could focus on speed and precision for the rest of the week.

  Stop stressing, Ty. There’s still four sessions to go.

  Four.

  Yeah, that’s plenty; it’s fine, it’ll be fine.

  An hour and a half into the session, Evie was doing all the moves in order and with only basic prompts from him. She did the final march away from him and spun to face him at the end. Still lacking energy, but she was trying.

  “It’s getting better,” she said, slightly out of breath. She said it like he’d say the weather was okay outside. Total lack of enthusiasm.

  He reached for something to say that would break her mood, something to lighten her and really make her move. Something that would help her the way she’d helped him yesterday. Only, he’d been in this situation before, with a girl who’d never liked any of the things he tried to say in consolation. None of his words had been enough, and they’d soon dried up. But for Evie, he wanted to dig them out again.

  “Yeah,” was all that came out.

  Nice one, Tyler. Smooth.

  She shook out her shoulders. “Could we take a break?”

  He nodded.

  She turned away from him and dug into her bag. He craned to get a glimpse of her face in the mirror and, yep, she wasn’t the lively person he’d been dancing with the last two days. Had it really only been two days?

  Some words finally came to him.

  “How was the island?” he asked.

  “Lovely. Just what I needed.” Her voice was warm. That was good, right? “I walked along the beach and watched the rain come in off the lake. Stunning.”

  “You were out in the rain?”

  “I managed to avoid the worst of it.” She checked her phone, actually glowered at it, and tossed it back into her backpack. Something about her bag was off too, now that he’d noticed it. Something was missing.

  “Sounds nice,” he said.

  “It was.” She saw him looking at her in the mirror and smiled reflexively.

  Ah, he got it: Godzilla wasn’t in the bag.

  Something definitely wasn’t right if that dumb toy wasn’t kicking around. “You okay, Evie?”

  Her smile turned flat, then left her face completely. “I’m fine. Just tired.” She stood up. “I’ll be back in a sec.” She left the studio.

  Nice job, Ty. Super well done. Tyler paced around anxiously, then did what always helped to release energy, and turned his MP3 player on so he could freestyle to his own music. He dusted off a few rusty contemporary and street dance moves to loosen out his legs from the routine, to help shake his frustration at himself and his inability to say the right thing. When he next looked at the door, Evie was leaning against it watching him, a soft smile on her face.

  “You’re incredible,” she said.

  Warmth pooled in his stomach. “I’m just messing around.”

  “Your messing around is incredible.”

  She sounded like she meant it, and she looked at him as though he was the best dancer she’d ever seen. Her hair was all wispy around her face, and the way she leaned stuck one hip out, creating a rounded, elegant series of curves from shoulder to thigh. Gorgeous. A lump rose in his throat, and heat churned in his belly.

  Without any conscious decision on Tyler’s part, he extended his hand and went over to her. She took his hand and allowed herself to be led into the middle of the room. His MP3 player thumped out Lauryn Hill, and he repeated a few of the easier contemporary moves, making Evie copy him. She let herself be swung and pulled around, the most relaxed she’d been all session.

  “You know, you’re a natural at this,” he said.

  She blushed. “Shut up.”

  Fuck, that was cute.

  “Seriously. If you’d started when you were little, you could have gone professional.”

  “You really think so?”

  “Yeah.” He spun her around. “You got moves, girl.”

  “I’ll settle for not being completely rubbish on nights out.” She paused. “I got your message and saw Jean before coming to practice. She said nice things too. Gave me a key ring. You’re all so friendly here.”

  Hmm. “Not all of us.” He could think of a few times when people hadn’t been that friendly to him.

  Her expression shuttered. “You’re right. Not all of you.”

  Ah. “Who’s giving you shit, Evie?”

  “No one.” She scowled. “At least, no one you know. Seriously, it’s my problem. Don’t worry.”

  “Yeah, but your head’s there and not here. It’s affecting your dancing.” She looked surprised, and he spun her around again. “See? You’re slow. Sluggish.”

  She frowned, her gaze inward. “You know, I hadn’t even noticed that? You’re right.”

  “Spill it, Godzilla. Sharing is caring.”

  She sighed. “It’s nothing. Well, not nothing, but . . .”

  “Evie.”

  She slowed down, her face going distant. “You know I met a few aces from Tumblr last night for dinner? It was going well until the topic of coming out came up between me and this one girl.” Evie stopped moving. “I told her I wasn’t out to my family, and she took it so personally. As in, in-my-face-t
elling-me-I’m-doing-the-wrong-thing personally.”

  Ugh. Judgmental people. “You said in the interview your family wouldn’t get it.” He remembered that part of it.

  “They wouldn’t. Being straightforwardly gay would be easier for them, but because I’ve dated men and women, they think I’m still figuring it out. I’ve tried to explain it, but they don’t get it. And the nuance of not needing sex in the relationship would be beyond them.” She crossed her arms. “We don’t talk about things. We just say what’s happening and people accept it or not. My brother Richard was bullied at school, and my mother told him to fight back, and that was it, problem solved, never brought up again. It didn’t stop, but he couldn’t complain about it anymore because the solution had already been given to him.”

  “So your family sucks at communication.” That sounded rough. Sure, his family sometimes felt like they were suffocating him with all their chatter, but he’d rather have that than not. “You tried to come out, but it’s not exactly sticking. That’s different from pretending you’re completely straight. Is that what this girl thought you were doing?”

  She shrugged. “I guess so, but I didn’t get a chance to explain it like that.” She scowled. “She went on and on about how it’s so much worse the longer you wait and I’m lying to them by omission and I owe it to myself and to them blah blah bloody blah. Unbelievable,” she said, fury making her whole body lift and sending her arms gesturing.

  Tyler couldn’t help appreciating how those movements made her breasts lift and emphasized the curve of her waist.

  “She just wouldn’t let it drop! I mean, for fuck’s sake, she just met me! She doesn’t know me. What the hell gave her the right to lecture me on my choices?”

  “You tell her that?”

  Evie actually growled. “I tried, but she was too busy giving me some sob story about her cousin’s bad coming out.” She flung her arms up in the air. “Like, I get it, you know? It’s sad. But I’ve heard that story before. We all have. What the hell does her cousin and her family have to do with me and mine? You know? I ended up moving seats just to get away from her. Do you realize how that was for me? It’s like the British equivalent of a slap in the face.”

  For real? He snorted. “Hey. She was out of line. You’re right—it’s your choice. If you think it’s better you don’t tell your family, then it probably is.”

  “Right? Thank you!”

  “So why the anger?”

  Evie seemed to deflate. “I just . . . I don’t know. I guess I didn’t expect that kind of judgment from another queer person. Or perhaps it was more the outrage that she showed. She was so angry.”

  Evie’s fingers went to her hair and worried at a loose lock. Tyler’s fingers itched to reach over and tuck it back for her.

  “It was like she implied I was letting the side down. What ‘side,’ I don’t know, because I didn’t join anything. I just turned out to be what I am. I’m not just asexual or biromantic; those are aspects of me. It’s private. It’s important, because I had to do the oh-so-minor thing of taking apart and rebuilding my entire outlook on relationships and sex, but at the same time, that doesn’t mean I’m duty-bound to be a freaking activist.”

  He nodded. “I get it.” Oh, did he ever get it. He’d processed similar thoughts when he realized he liked girls and that he definitely was a guy. Coming out as a man had been absolutely necessary for him, but before and during transition, the visibility of gender had sometimes been so difficult to handle. His relationship to his own gender was something so private that it had seemed crazy unfair it also had this public aspect to it. There were days when he’d wished he could just not be seen, to not be so visible and always have to explain himself. In his experience, there was one consistent thing about being queer, no matter what shape it took: sometimes just existing was exhausting.

  “Like, I know that having the choice to be open or not is a luxurious viewpoint to have,” she added. “Now is a good time to be out. There’s never been a better time. I saw Milk like everyone else.” She paced. “I guess I was just . . . startled. Because, despite her baggage and rudeness, she had a point. I spent last night and this morning thinking about how my personal story fits into the wider political one, and what I owe my family. What I owe myself. If I owe anyone anything at all.”

  “Jeez, Godzilla. You think a lot. It’s chill to take a backseat sometimes, you know?”

  She stared at him, then laughed. She looked so relieved, that Tyler reached out for her. He couldn’t help it. His hands settled at her waist like they were meant to be there, and by some miracle, the words were there too, because this was easy to talk about.

  “If you want my opinion,” he said, moving her into an easy sway—and Jesus it was magical the way she just followed him like that—“it doesn’t matter about the bigger issues. It sounds like your family isn’t exactly helping you out much. When I transitioned, it wasn’t fun or easy, but it was made way better because my family was totally on board. Like, my mom read up about it and joined a bunch of forums and groups for parents of trans teens.” He smiled at the memory. Those groups were mostly excuses for his mom to go out these days. “My family, we’re in each other’s business all the time. Like, all the time. I tell them everything that’s going on. But with you, and tell me if I’m wrong, it sounds like your family isn’t like that. Yeah, they won’t kick you out, but they’re not exactly going to join AVEN and play happy rainbow families with you.”

  She drifted in sync with him, eyes on his. “You’re not wrong.”

  “Then no, you don’t owe them this. Not when they’re not on board for the smaller stuff, like who you love and who your friends are and how to deal with childhood bullies.”

  He spun her around slowly and there it was—she moved way better. Lighter. She returned to his hold and, to his surprise, initiated a reciprocal spin. Ah, she was definitely back if she was taking the damn lead from him.

  “See how easy you move now?” he pointed out.

  She turned to face him, blushing but smiling. “Yes, I got it. Thank you for letting me vent. You’re good to talk to.”

  Pride filled his chest. “Girl, I had so much therapy when I was younger, I should be charging you for this. Dr. Davis’s patented dance therapy.”

  She stroked her chin thoughtfully. “I see, I see. I’m indeed grateful, Dr. Davis. Is this first consultation free?”

  Ha. “Hey now, nothing’s free in this world.”

  “Then how should I pay you, Dr. Davis?”

  “For starters, you can stop stealing the lead.”

  She dipped him. “Never.”

  Tyler blinked up at her grinning face. Fucking hell. He hadn’t been dipped in years. Where had she learned that? “Buy me lunch,” slipped out of his mouth. Buy me lunch and tease me.

  Surprise flitted over her features. Surprise and something that looked like hope. “All right.” She brought him back to standing. “Lunch it is.” Her gaze flickered to something over his shoulder. “Oh. Don’t look now, but we have an audience.”

  Evie hadn’t noticed Katie and Brock come in. How long had they been there, filming them? Oh God, how much of the last half hour was on camera? And Tyler’s cheeks darkened when he saw them—was that a blush? Cute.

  After a long moment, Evie and Tyler separated.

  “Hey guys.” He waved.

  Katie leaned against the wall with her arms crossed and eyebrows high, chewing thoughtfully. “Oh don’t mind us. Please, continue whatever you were doing.”

  Tyler cleared his throat and looked at Evie. “Uh, back to it?”

  She nodded.

  Talking to Tyler had been brilliant. Somehow, he’d lightened the massive load that had weighed on her chest since yesterday. Sarah had fussed over her all evening after the disagreement, but honestly hadn’t helped much. Really, all she’d wanted was some quiet to process her thoughts, then to talk them out. So Evie had gone to bed grumpy and woken up all tangled inside, unable to let it go.
It was good to have someone help her tease out her feelings instead of just agreeing that yes she was angry and yes that anger was valid.

  The difference it made physically was astounding. She’d found the first part of the session okay, but not that fun. No energy, no real connection to the moves, her body just going through the motions. Now though? Tyler was right. Everything in her felt physically lighter and dancing seemed easy. How had she never noticed that before? He had to be some kind of genius.

  And they were going to have lunch together. That was . . . also good.

  Tyler’s finger prodded her forehead. “Hey, Godzilla, focus.”

  She batted away his hand. “Yes, yes, sensei, got it.”

  Amazingly, she was starting to get the steps down. Not perfectly or quickly, but she could do the entire routine from start to finish without forgetting a step. It was an odd sensation for her, a mix of conscious preparation and association. Each step needed the one before it; if she started in the middle of the routine, she would be lost. Sometimes her body moved before her mind did, and she wasn’t used to that at all. If she thought too much about it, the balance fell apart completely.

  Also new was the sense that she was telling a story. Her character was interested, yes, but resistant to Tyler’s character’s attentions. Every move she made not only had to be technically correct, it had to be full of personality and attitude in order to convey her character’s emotions. And that wasn’t something she’d ever done before. She’d never had to think about how her hips tipped and what that did to her pose, or how to angle her shoulders and arms in order to convey an idea. Doing it, feeling out the limits of her physicality and self-awareness like this, was exciting. She felt like she’d discovered another part of herself.

  Definitely a great new experience.

  When they paused for another break, Katie swept up to them, Brock keeping them both in frame as he approached with the camera.

  “So,” Katie asked. “How’s practice going?”

  “Better.” Tyler glanced at Evie, annoyed. Hmm. Seemed like he was as done with them as she was. “How’s the documentary coming?”