Promise Me: Some friendships are made to be broken (Beggar's Choice #1)

by Lily Morton

  There are more music references. Every day he has texted me the music that speaks for him:

  Charlie: Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You) - A Flock of Seagulls

  Charlie: Things Ain’t Like They Used to Be – The Black Keys

  Charlie: Out to Get You – James

  Charlie: Without You – Lana Del Rey

  Charlie: Can’t Stand Losing You - The Police

  Charlie: Take Me to Church - Hozier

  When I reach the end of them I discover that I’m crying. He’s written me love letters of words and music and it all hurts so much that before I can stop myself I seize my phone and send him a text:

  Mabel: Don’t Speak - No Doubt

  Inside me I know that Charlie is the most loyal, truthful person. He hates breaking his word so he rarely gives it and he’s never, ever lied to me, even when the result could be me leaving. I know I can’t run for much longer but the problem now is that I just don’t know how to make my way back to him anymore with all this between us. The next second my phone pings and I sigh and smile a little through my tears as he’s not above manipulating me through songs. He knows that I love this song and the thought that he could mean these words makes my heart hurt:

  Charlie: Different – Robbie Williams

  Twelve

  It’s midnight. I’m in Cannes on a gorgeous night wearing a truly beautiful dress. It’s knee length and strapless and made of copper coloured silk with black swirls all over it. My tan looks even deeper against the colour and my hair is falling loose in soft waves. We’re standing in an expensive nightclub with European glitterati all around us, and I can honestly say that I’m miserable and couldn’t give a shit. All I really want to do is see Charlie and have an end to this constant torturous thinking where I‘m over analyzing everything. Viv gives me a sidelong look while she sips her Whisky Sour. She looks gorgeous as always in a claret coloured, strapless sheath dress with her hair swept up.

  “Mabel,” she sighs. “We’re in the South of France, we look fucking gorgeous, and we’re going home soon, so can you please cheer the fuck up.”

  She seems really edgy tonight and keeps looking towards the entrance. I suddenly feel dreadful because she’s not having a good time and she’s obviously thinking about leaving. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been a terrible friend and you’ve been so good to me. Shall we forget everything and just have a dance?”

  Smiling she hugs me and we wend our way down to the dance floor which is heaving. A sultry version of ’Just Be Good to Me’ by The S.O.S. Band is playing and we squeeze through the bodies until we find a spare spot and start dancing. We both love dancing and years of doing it side by side mean that we dance well, and we lose ourselves in the beat smiling at each other. Two men start dancing next to us and I see their sidelong looks and sigh. They’re very good looking, one blond and one with longish brown hair. They’re dressed well and the blonde one is obviously taken with Viv as he starts moving behind her in a slow, sexy way. I check that she’s okay with it and then turn my back and lose myself in the music again. I feel the dark haired man’s hands slide down my ribs until they reach my hips and I’m just about to tell him to keep his hands to himself when all hell breaks loose.

  I hear a very familiar enraged voice growl above my head. “I don’t think so fucker. This one’s mine, now fuck off,” and the man is abruptly torn away from me and an enraged Charlie pushes him over into the heaving crowd where he falls into a group of men. I stand open mouthed as one of the men he lands on throws a punch at my dancing Romeo, and then suddenly the dance floor is heaving, with fists flying rather than dancing. Charlie turns and grabs my hand and starts forcing me towards the door. “Time to go,” he says, smiling like a maniac.

  “What about Viv,” I stutter. “I can’t leave her.”

  “Relax,” he says nodding back and I see Seth grab Viv in a tight hold and half carry her out of the crowd. I relax immediately and give a silly half wave at him which makes him grin and shake his head.

  I’m shaken, but for the first time in a few weeks I can feel the dead ice inside me crack and something that feels like joy unfurl and I follow Charlie meekly outside. This meekness is immediately tested when we break out of the fire exit into an alley, followed by Seth and Viv, and he turns on me straightaway.

  “What the fuck Mabe? I leave you alone for a week and you’re letting some prick paw you. Is that what you want?”

  “You left me alone?” I say and my temper pops like a kettle going off. “You left me alone? Don’t you mean that I left you dickwad?”

  “Mabel I’ve known where you were all along. I’ve had daily bulletins,” he says snarkily, and I gape at Viv who has the grace to look embarrassed.

  “Well fuck you and stick your bulletins up your arse,” I reply pithily, and I turn and start walking away.

  “Where the fuck are you going?”

  “Back to the villa,” I shout. “I can’t believe this. I thought you were sorry. You don’t look it and that behaviour certainly didn’t demonstrate it.”

  “Oh no,” he shouts. “I’m sorry for not trusting you in the first place. That,” he says pointing backwards. “That was something completely different.”

  “Oh really, pray enlighten me?” I say snootily.

  “That was me not trusting some slime ball who was glad handing my girl. I trust you.”

  “Oh my god,” I shout, and start to pick up speed. I don’t know where I’m going but I need to get away from him. Only suddenly I’m not walking anywhere. Suddenly, I find myself thrown over his shoulder while he walks towards a waiting taxi at the top of the alley.

  “What are you doing?” I scream, and see Seth and Viv bent double laughing.

  “I’m fucking sick of this,” he shouts, and I gasp as the bastard has the nerve to actually smack my backside. “We’re going back to the villa and we’re going to talk and we’re not going to stop talking until we’re hot and sweaty and you’ve come a few times.”

  “I hope you don’t need that hand to hold your microphone in the future Charlie,” I say dangerously, and the twat has the nerve to actually laugh and give my bottom a quick grope.

  “As long as I’ve got one hand left to explore this beautiful body Mabes I’ll be a happy man.” He unloads me gently into the back of the car, and follows me in quickly to stop any attempt on my part to get out. “Now shut the fuck up Mabe,” he whispers in the darkness, after giving the driver directions which prove conclusively that he really did know where I was.

  “Why?” I hiss.

  “Because if you give me any more lip I’m going to pull you onto my lap and fuck you into tomorrow, and I won’t care if there’s an audience.”

  I shut up and turn my head to look out of the window. I’m all over the place at the moment. A part of me is still fixed on that night and the sight of him and that girl. I’m pretty sure now that he didn’t do anything but I’m still angry and I can’t seem to get over that. The other part of me seems to have fireworks fizzing in my blood at the sight and smell of the person who is dearest to me in the whole world. The trouble is, I don’t know how to reconcile the two. I’m hoping that Charlie does, so I stay silent and stare out of the window while listening to him breathe. He hasn’t let go of my hand once and he holds it so tightly that I can feel his pulse beating fast, and for the rest of my life I think that I’ll remember this taxi ride that seems to beat to the rhythm of his heart while I hover on a precipice with no idea of what is to come.

  We arrive at the villa and he refuses to let go of me, paying the driver one handed and then turning me to the door and standing silently while I open it. We walk into the cool scented darkness of the foyer and I turn to him to offer a drink but in the next second I find myself pressed to the wall by over 6 feet 4 inches of agitated male. “It’s been too long Mabes,” he groans and then he kisses me, fierce, desperate kisses that fill me with longing and darken my memories. I weaken so suddenly that I think I catch him by surprise, and then
we’re kissing like we haven’t seen each other for years. We’re kissing like we’re desperate. We’re kissing like we love each other. “Mabe,” he groans. “It’s been so fucking awful. I’ve missed you so much,” and then he lowers his mouth again, but I’m suddenly free of his spell for a second and everything comes rushing back. We have so much shit between us at the moment and even though I’d give anything to get swept away I just can’t. I move my head slightly and he knows instantly. He backs away slightly but maintains his hold on my shoulders that he rubs almost unconsciously like he can’t bear not to touch me. He’s breathing as fast as I am. “Okay,” he says finally in a hoarse voice. “Okay, we need to talk but I just couldn’t stand another second without touching you. You can add that to my list of sins, but I’ve got to say that that’s the one I don’t regret.”

  I step away from him for some distance forcing his hands away from me, and for a second something that looks very like desolation crosses his face. His earlier levity is long gone and he looks nervous. I get a close look at him for the first time in what seems like forever and I drink him in greedily, aware that he seems to be doing the same to me. He looks as gorgeous as ever dressed in a black short sleeved shirt open at his tanned throat and a pair of dark jeans, but the jeans hang loosely on him and I see that his face looks thinner and he has dark circles under his eyes, not to mention the fading, yellowing remnants of the black eye.

  “Would you like a drink?” I say, sounding like some sort of hostess from the 1950’s.

  He smiles faintly and runs a hand through his hair messing it up thoroughly, and I almost smile because it’s such a familiar gesture, one that I’ve seen him make a thousand times, and suddenly the magnitude of what we’re doing strikes me. I could lose him tonight and I think it’s only then that I really face how much I love him and that I do trust him, because for the first time in months I see him clearly for who he’s always been. A man who doesn’t make promises and who doesn’t lie.

  He follows me into the lounge, prowling at my back closely and then he sighs. “I don’t want a drink Mabes. I need to talk to you. I need to know if I can make this right, and shit Mabe, I can’t wait any longer.”

  I turn back to him. “You hurt me Charlie.” He flinches and raises his hand as if to touch my head where he hit me. “Not there,” I say sharply. “In my heart.”

  He groans under his breath and starts pacing. “I can’t bear that Mabe. I’m the one that’s supposed to protect you, not hurt you myself. I swear to god I don’t know what was the matter with me.”

  “We made love and you just left,” I say sadly.

  “I couldn’t stand it,” he says stilling. “I’d never experienced anything like we did that night.” At my grimace he holds his hand up. “I’ve fucked a lot of women Mabes that’s no secret, but what I did with them bears no resemblance to what we shared. I’ve never felt so close to someone and just so calm and content. Then those fucking text messages went off and I read them and suddenly it was like, well mate you don’t know anything. You can’t keep people happy, you can’t make people stay. It was like I could hear ……..”

  “Your dad,” I say sadly, and he nods.

  “I didn’t mean to leave for so long, I just couldn’t stand it. I got up and I thought I’d go for a drive and try and clear my head and I ended up at Bram’s. Then I started drinking and the drink made the pain stop so I didn’t want to leave.”

  “What about Bram?”

  “He let me drink for a day and then he got firm, and after that I think it took him a few hours to sober me up. He actually got into the shower with me because I couldn’t stand up. He was fully dressed I might add,” he says with a tiny bit of his normal humour, which vanishes when he sighs again. “He gave me a right lecture after that and he made me see how stupid I was being. That you were the most honest, loyal person around me, along with Sid, so I decided to come home and fall on my knees and ask you to forgive me.”

  I stare at him and he stares back for a second. “Then of course because we’d both been drinking we made the most stupid mistake of all and asked that girl to drive me home.” I move sharply and he tries to come to me but I wave him away and although his face gets white and pinched he lets me. “I want you to listen to me carefully now Mabel. I swear on your life, on Sid’s life, on everything I hold sacred, that I did nothing with that girl. Are you listening?” I nod and he carries on. “When we got home I thanked her for the lift and raced upstairs but you weren’t there. The house was dark and lonely and I thought, that’s it, she’s left me, and in all my life I’ve never, ever felt such pain. Anyway, I went downstairs and got as many bottles together as I could find and I decided to numb that fucking pain until I passed out.”

  “What about her?” I burst out. “How did she end up naked?”

  “Fuck knows,” he says simply, and it’s as clear as day on his face that he’s telling the truth, and suddenly that tiny knot of mistrust that was left inside me just melts away. “She just trailed along after me so I made her a drink, and actually Mabe I feel sorry for her in a way, because all I did for hours was play that fucking song on repeat and talk about you. I talked until I must have passed out. Fuck knows why she took her clothes off although she’s a hard core groupie. To be honest and it sounds mean, but I think that’s her default position when she’s next to someone famous.”

  “Why was your shirt off?”

  “I missed my mouth and spilt Drambuie down myself,” he says wryly.

  “Drambuie?” I echo in absolute amazement.

  “I know. Not very rock and roll is it but it was in the cupboard and it had an alcohol content so……” He shrugs and we fall silent again. Finally and hesitantly as if he almost can’t bear to hear the answer, he speaks. “Do you believe me?” he whispers and I see that he’s shaking.

  “Yes,” I say simply and then I’m in his arms and he’s holding me so tight it’s as if he’s never going to let me go. “Mabes, Mabes,” he says over and over again and then he pulls away. “I love you,” he says fiercely, and I gasp because this is everything I ever wanted, and it feels so much better and stronger than anything I have ever dreamt. My dreams could never have told me how hard he would hold me, the feel of his stubble as he rubs his face against my hair and how much he trembles at the feel of me. We stay like that for what seems like forever and I inhale greedily smelling his familiar spicy scent that manages to both arouse me and ground me at the same time. He smells like home to me.

  Finally I pull slightly back and smile, and he lets me go looking at me slightly uncertainly. “You know Mabes,” he says conversationally but with a very tense undertone. “I’m out here hanging. I have never, ever said that to anyone in my life.” I let the silence carry on as some tiny bit of torture and he actually gets indignant now. “You know I could say that to anyone else and they’d have fallen over backwards to say it back. I’d have probably had to gag them to stop them screaming it out loud because I. Am. Quite. A. Catch.”

  I laugh out loud and then as he goes to continue ranting I slap my hand over his mouth. “I love you too,” I say, and then give a girly shriek because I’m back in his arms and he’s twirling me round and round in jubilation. Then he stops and I gulp back tears because I’ve never, ever seen Charlie give a smile like he is now. It fills his face and eyes and it’s glorious and just for me. I made that, I think to myself and then he grabs my face and kisses me hard.

  “I love you so much, so much,” he mutters. “It’s always been you. It always will be.” Then he sobers and runs his fingers over my head gently. “I’m so sorry baby,” he says. “I didn’t mean to……”

  “I know,” I say very firmly. “Listen to me now Charlie and stop worrying about it. You’re not your dad and I’m not your mum. You didn’t mean to do it. You didn’t even know that I was behind you. I should never have tried to get in the way.”

  “But I shouldn’t have lost my temper.”

  “No, you shouldn’t,” I say h
onestly. “So next time, rather than go through all of this, you have to talk to me Charlie. You do know those messages were a mistake and not meant for me? I’ve never ever slept with John, I’ve never even kissed him.” He nods. “You have to trust me and I will trust you in return.”

  “I will,” he says and I relax because it’s a promise and Charlie keeps those.

  “The one thing I don’t understand is why all the backwards and forwards,” I say, and he looks at me in incomprehension. “You were saying we could only be friends one minute and then jumping on me the next.”

  He groans. “I’ve behaved like such a prat.” He pauses and when I don’t say anything he gives me a mock grimace. “Do feel free to jump in and correct me Mabes.” I smirk, and he carries on, staring over my head. “I’ve always fancied you and loved you but I think it was when I didn’t see you for a few months that I realized just how much I was in love with you. Everything was so fucking boring without you and I felt like half of me was missing all the time. At the same time I thought I couldn’t have you because I’d fuck it up and lose you. Then with all that business with John I thought that’s it, I could lose you without ever having you, and I just thought fuck it, I was going to give it a go.”

  I smile because Sid was right all along. He hugs me closer and shoves his face into my neck, inhaling deeply. “What’s your song?” he whispers, his breath striking hot on my neck. I consider for a second and smile.

  “The Cure’s ‘Love Song’. What about you?”

  His arms tighten and he inhales sharply. “Bread’s ‘Baby I’m A Want You’.”

  I hug him closer and kiss the side of his head where I can reach, because that’s a really beautiful love song. Then I laugh. “Are you getting your country on then, boy?”

  “Yee Haw,” he whispers, and then his hands move with new purpose on me. “Is it time for reunion sex now?” he says hopefully, and I laugh before moaning slightly as his hands wander over my breasts rubbing the nipples through the silky fabric.