by Corn, Laura
Get home before her and set the scene. The first thing she’ll see is an envelope with her name, taped to the outside door. The note inside says: Go to the bedroom. Don’t say a word. Follow instructions. The bedroom door has another note: Close the door behind you. Go to the wall.
The room is dim, lit only by candles. Taped to the wall, about head high, is a hand-drawn sign that looks like this:
You don’t have to say anything. Just approach her from behind and nuzzle her neck. Run your hands down her body. Reach in front and open her pants. Tug them down, and then off. Leave on her panties—for now—and play with her bottom. Slip a hand between her cheeks. Feel the heat. Wrap your fingers around the folds of flesh underneath the fabric, and give her a gentle squeeze.
Now pull your hand away. Wait for a beat. Count one, two, three, then—SMACK! Swat her on the butt. “That’s what happens if you take your hands down without permission.” As long as she obeys, give her more massage, more kisses, more fingerplay through the panties.
Let your hands roam further. Feel her nipples turn to pebbles under her bra. Open her shirt and then slide your hand under her bra. Press your body against her backside; let her feel your hard-on jamming up against her. Pull the panties down, just a little, just enough to let your erection slip between her thighs. Now play with it. Stroke yourself. Women almost never admit it, but they get crazy hot when they watch their guy getting off, and here you are, jacking it right against her, just out of reach. She’ll be getting weak at the knees, dying to feel you sliding home.
Finally, it’s time to give her permission—no, to command her—to drop her hands, to use them on you, to take your hard-on and rub it against her clit, to guide it inside. Tell her to ride it, legs apart, face against the wall, bottom bouncing against your hips. Order her to come. Order her to make you come.
And enjoy giving orders while you can. Because we all know who’s really in command here.
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NO. 63 GENTLEMEN DO IT BEST
INGREDIENTS
6 roses
1 good haircut
2 shined shoes
1 clean car
several candles
elbow grease
your girl’s best friend
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SOME SAY CHIVALRY IS DEAD. But tonight, you’re bringing it back to life! Chivalrous dating habits—bringing flowers, holding hands, carrying bags—may sound quaint to a modern, split-the-check guy, but what those traits really are is respectful. Women on every part of the planet respond to respect—it never goes out of style. Women also respond to spontaneity, so when you surprise her with your old-fashioned chivalry, she’ll undoubtedly have a huge surprise for you in return.
It’s easy to make fun of old-fashioned behavior. If you spend too many nights watching 70’s and 80’s sitcoms, you’ll start believing the world is full of super-independent, sassy mamas who’ll turn you into a punch line if you dare hold the door for them. Cue the laugh track! But that’s TV. Real women love gentlemen and are impressed by guys who keep doing sweet, thoughtful things even after sleeping with us. It makes you irresistible. It makes us, um, horny.
An ultra-romantic date requires both planning and assistance—and the best place to turn for help is your sweetheart’s best friend. Explain the following to her:
You’re planning a surprise. You need her help to get your sweetie out of the house Saturday. Your girl needs to get dressed and primped at the friend’s house, because you’re picking her up there.
Wow. All three of those things will completely impress the best friend (and make you a hero in your honey’s eyes). If this were a TV sitcom, she would say awwww, as would the audience.
Now, politely ask your baby for a dinner date. If your usual Saturday night is takeout on the sofa, she’ll be tickled by your invitation. And her sense of curiosity is going to get all twisted up when you explain that you will be picking her up at her friend’s house. Holy Cow! When Saturday finally rolls around, here is precisely what the two of them will be doing all day long: shopping. Picking out clothes. Getting makeovers. Talking about you.
Here’s what you’ll do. First, a haircut—not a ten-dollar one. Find a salon where they’ll give you a real once-over. They’ll trim the hair off your ears and nostrils. (Yes, you have hair in both. It’s gross.) One more thing: Get your eyebrows waxed. I’m not kidding. A decent salon will keep you looking manly but get rid of your strays.
Wash the car. Straighten up the bedroom. Put out candles. Pluck three roses’ petals, sprinkle them across the bed (Make the bed first!), and put two more roses on her pillow. Time to pick her up!
Sound hard? I’ll bet it’s no harder than when you were courting her. That’s the point. Like a true knight in shining armor, you’re putting serious effort into impressing your courtly maiden. And you’re going to succeed the moment she opens the door. There you are, looking better than ever, with your sharp haircut, shined shoes, best jacket, and a rose. Emotion will well up, and it will startle her to discover how much she’s missed you today. This process of arriving in a clean car to pick her up feels good. It feels amazing. It feels like prom night.
Dine with her at a pretty place, in a lovely area, but don’t park too close. Stroll with her. Hold her hand, walk along and let her tell you about her day. Take your time; listen to what she has to say. On the way back to the car, find a spot under a tree and kiss her. Tell her how pretty she is, that you missed her.
When you get home, ask her to wait while you run to the bedroom. Light the candles. Tell her to come in, and just... stand there. Let her soak it in. It’s an awesome sight—you, the flickering light, the roses. She might get teary; she knows you didn’t have to do this. You had her at “hello.” She’s already yours, but you’re putting yourself on the line like a high school crush, working your ass off, making her feel desirable, precious, loved.
You are so getting laid tonight. Not a gentlemanly way of looking at it, but hey, this ain’t television. Here in real life, you’re fixing to get some action. Awwww. Fade to black.
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NO. 65 BIG GAME HUNTING
INGREDIENTS
1 handwritten note “taped inside” a magazine
1 e-mail or text message
1 sexy teddy or robe
1 hotel room
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ALL TREASURE HUNTS REQUIRE some advance work. Maybe that’s why women love them so much. There’s great presentation, plus a great present at the end of it all.
This little rendezvous is more of a pleasure hunt, of course. And the coolest thing about it is that you get a lot of bang for the buck. It’s extremely impressive, and it looks like you worked really hard. But, in fact, it’s pretty easy: a couple of phone calls, a little online shopping, a ding on the credit card, and you’re golden. She’ll get a sexy adventure she’ll be telling her friends about for years. And you’re set for an adventure in great sex.
Your first step is to let her know that something’s up. Spontaneity is great, but a girl’s gotta prepare, you know? So early in the week, send her an e-mail: “I know what you like. And you’re gonna get it this Saturday. Don’t make any plans after 4p.m.” (Didn’t I say I’d make this easy?)
Saturday afternoon, hand her favorite magazine and tell her, “Look inside. There’s a secret message waiting for you.” Now give her a kiss and walk out the door. What?! Holy Cow! A secret message in my favorite magazine? She’ll fly through the pages until she comes to your note which is taped inside: “HEY, STELLA, THIS IS IT! There’s a gift hidden in one of the bedrooms. Find it, and follow the instructions”.
Wouldn’t you just love to see her tearing through the house looking for her present? This is where your credit card starts to warm up, because
the gift has to be pretty nice—a sexy teddy or lacy camisole. Laura Corn Shopping Tip for Men: A slinky robe is easy to fit, since they only come in small, medium and large. (They’re also easy to return. Just in case.) If lingerie shops make you feel a little uneasy, get something gorgeous from VictoriasSecret.com.
Your package must be gift-wrapped, of course. When she finally spots it, the first thing she’ll see is a big note that says:
“DO NOT OPEN! Bring this to the Sheraton on Broadway at 6 p.m. and ask for Woody Johnson. Your next big surprise is waiting there.”
Ohhh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, she’s getting more excited now. She’s got just enough time to get dressed and call all her girlfriends to tell them how cool you are. Once you get to the hotel room, send her a few texts—enticing her as she gets ready.
The hotel clerk will direct her to your room. (Woody Johnson!? I wonder if he’ll be able to keep a straight face.) The clerk will also call to let you know she’s on the way, so you can light the candles, turn up the music, and pop the cork. Now, can you just imagine what she’s got for you in return?
Woody, you haven’t got a clue!
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NO. 66 LIGHT ME UP, BABY
INGREDIENTS
2 strands of small white Christmas lights
massage oil (warmed to body temperature)
hot music
vibrator
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HEAD’S UP!
The vibrator in this seduction can also be used for Position of Submission and Morning Muffin.
THE GREATEST WORKS OF ART TAKE TIME to work their magic. The world’s most famous films, music and books tend to draw you in slowly, unveiling themselves bit by bit. A lot of times, it’s what is not revealed that makes great art so interesting. The artist knows that he can create a bigger impact if he makes you wait for the payoff.
Well, this week you are going to be the artist. Do as I say and I’ll turn you into the Beethoven of the bedroom. The Picasso of the penis. The Hitchcock of the, um, well, you know what I mean. And the surprising thing is that this masterpiece of lovemaking starts with two strands of Christmas lights. Yeah, that’s right; Christmas lights are going to help you get some action this week.
I’ll bet I’m not the first person to tell you that Christmas lights are romantic. But let me be the first to explain why. It’s because women know that we look amazing surrounded by that soft, diffused light. And when we think we look good, we are far more likely to get naked.
Run the light strands in a big circle all the way around your bed. The tiny white bulbs will make your bedroom look like it has a hundred candles, all focused on your bed like a sort of shrine. Put on some music. Turn the thermostat up by a few degrees. (Women are also far more likely to strip down when we are warm.) Now break out the massage oil and invite your girl to the bedroom.
Make it clear that the next hour is all about her. Be generous with the oil. Work out the kinks in her shoulders and lower back. Squeeze the tension from her feet and calves. Over time, it will become clear that, like all the great artists, you are slowly and subtly moving toward a deeper goal. You’re building suspense and approaching your subject from a, um, different angle. After her muscles are relaxed and her nerves are humming, position her on her knees and elbows at the edge of the bed, face down into a pillow, butt high in the air. Now you can finally begin work on her most tender parts... from behind.
But don’t go straight for the clit. Oh, no. The great artists are never obvious. Instead, tease her by drawing your tongue along her vaginal lips. Up and down. Down and up. Gently suck her labia and roll them around in your mouth. Kiss the back of her thighs. And then bring out your dramatic surprise: a small vibrator. This is your big plot twist, where the music builds and changes key. This is what makes your audience gasp. Again, steer around her clitoris. Buzz her lips instead, and her perineum, and her cheeks. Lick some more, then buzz some more. Lick, buzz, lick, buzz—lickbuzzlickbuzzlickbuzz—faster and stronger, creating tension but not letting her get to the point of sweet release. Not quite yet.
No, this story has to introduce one more character before it can build to a climax: The good guy who saves the day. He’s strong but silent. He’s hard as rock, and single-minded. He lives for action sequences like this. And he’s ready to plunge right in and make everything better in...
The End.
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NO. 72 DANGEROUS WHEN WET
INGREDIENTS
2 candles
silky bath oil
lots of towels
1 spotless bathtub
THE GREATEST ORGASMS HAPPEN when we try something new—something that startles us and surprises us and drives us way over our sexual speed limits. Tonight, you’re going to give your lover one of those landmark orgasms.
Tonight, you’re going to push her right over the edge.
Start by turning your bathroom into a palace of pleasure for your mistress. Candlelight, scented bath oil, mounds of big fluffy towels and her favorite music playing from her iPod. Lead her to the tub and help her in; sit on the edge and spend lots of time washing and caressing her. Her mind will relax as her skin comes alive; she’ll probably assume that this royal treatment is the whole seduction—Ahhh, but she’ll be wrong.
Don’t rinse her off yet. Simply start to drain the tub and tell her you want to try something new. Ask her to slide down toward the spigot... and have her spread her legs under the faucet, feet up on the wall. Adjust the flow of water carefully—not too hot! Not too hard!—and have her slip that most sensitive, private part right under the flow. Tease her with your hand; slide your fingers into those delicious, sensitive folds of flesh, and finally open her lips wide to the coursing water.
She’ll be excited and more than a little surprised—surprised that you know this trick (although many women do!), shocked that she is essentially masturbating right in front of her lover—
And now you’re going to blow her away.
Pile up some of those big towels in the tub as a cushion for her head and shoulders —and your knees. Slip off your robe, straddle her in the tub and kneel right above her face... but don’t let her take you in her mouth. Instead, stroke yourself. Make yourself hard. Show her, up close and very personal, just how you like to be touched.
Chances are she’s never watched a man play with himself like this before. She’s also never had quite this much warm, gushing, constant stimulation to her swollen clitoris before. The combination will send her out of control, beyond her usual limits, and headed for one of the greatest orgasms of her life—one that you gave her, and one she’ll never forget.
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NO. 74 THE RULE OF NINES by Chip Rowe
INGREDIENTS
you
her
your left brain (to keep count)
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR, CHIP ROWE, IS ONE of the most widely read advice columnists in the world—10 million readers in 14 countries, to be exact. He’s helped millions of men (and women) spice up their love life, so when I asked him to contribute one of his best ideas to my best-selling book 101 Sexy Dares, he didn’t hesitate. And, of course, I was thrilled, because when the Playboy Advisor tells you this is one of the “best techniques” Playboy has ever published, you know it’s got to be good. Here’s what he wrote:
A woman wrote to the Playboy Advisor asking whether he or the editors at Playboy Magazine had heard of this mythical rule, which she described this way:
“During intercourse, a man makes nine shallow thrusts and one deep one, followed by eight shallow and two deep, seven shallow and three deep, etc., until he reaches one shallow and nine deep and begins again. In my experience this is not as methodical as it sounds. The longer shallow sequences get me off,
after which my husband starts again with deep thrusts, which get him off.”
It turns out that the rule of nines is said to be an ancient Taoist sex trick. The man is not supposed to withdraw but instead maintain a “seal” with his partner at all times. Couples are advised to coordinate their breathing with each stroke; he exhales, she inhales. Alternative methods are three shallow, one deep; six shallow, two deep, etc.; one centimeter, then two, then three, etc.; or simply continuing with nine shallow and one deep until you reach 1,000 (good luck).
This trick is so satisfying for your woman because it makes you slow down, while the shallow thrusts stimulate her clit. You’re forced to tease your partner with your erection, and in turn, you’re teasing yourself.
This week introduce the rule of nines to your unsuspecting partner. First, make sure she’s comfortable, because to be most effective you will need to take your time. Have her lie on her back on the bed while you stand next to it; use a pillow under her ass to raise her butt up a little. Also, don’t count out loud or move your lips! If she gets suspicious, tell her that you are concentrating on her pleasure tonight, and that she should enjoy herself. She’ll wonder what’s up, but in due time, the rule of nines will work its magic.
So my new Taoist master... go count your strokes and she’ll count her blessings.