by Janet Dailey
“Yes, you should say, ‘Oh, Shad.’ I don’t think you know what you’re doing to me,” he muttered. “At this rate, I’m going to be sleeping in the barn next, just to keep my hands off you.”
Neither of them heard the muffled thud of Gary’s crutches. They were too engrossed in each other to pay attention to anything else. Neither did they see him enter the living room and stop to stare at them.
“What’s going on here?” he frowned suspiciously, puzzled to see Shad using the couch for abed.
Charley turned swiftly to face her brother but Shad was slow to let his hands slide from her arms, showing no signs of guilt.
“I was just waking up Shad,” Charley explained, aware that her cheeks felt warm.
“What are you doing sleeping on the couch?” Gary ignored her to question Shad.
“All things considered—” his glance briefly touched Charley to indicate what things were considered “—it seemed the proper place to sleep last night.”
Gary came farther into the room, his gaze not leaving Shad. “Are you getting any ideas about fooling around with my sister?” he demanded.
“The ideas are there,” Shad admitted, “but so far my conscience has won. It’s becoming more of a struggle, though.”
Charley couldn’t handle this conversation and quickly found an excuse to leave before it went any further. “I’d better start breakfast,” she said and rose quickly to disappear into the kitchen. The conversation between Shad and her brother didn’t end with her departure. She listened to what was said from the kitchen, biting her lip in nervous anxiety.
“I don’t want to see Charley get hurt,” Gary stated.
“If I didn’t feel the same way, I would have been sleeping upstairs instead of down here,” Shad replied with a trace of impatience.
“The kindest thing you could do is leave her alone—” Her brother began to issue advice but Shad interrupted him before he had finished.
“Don’t preach to me, Gary,” he warned in an angry voice.
“I think you’re forgetting that you are paid to work for me,” Gary countered, reacting to the angry tone.
“You’re right. There are a lot of things I’ve been forgetting lately,” Shad declared in an ominous tone. “Like—what the hell am I still doing here!”
Charley heard heavy strides cross the room and climb the stairs. It was several seconds before Gary started for the kitchen where she waited. His expression was grim when he entered.
“Why did you say those things to him?” She shook her head wearily.
“You are my sister. What did you expect me to do?” he argued.
“Shad isn’t leaving, is he?” Although her voice was calm, there was fear in her eyes.
“I don’t think so, not now at any rate,” Gary replied and looked at her sadly. “Charley, you know he’s going to leave sooner or later.”
“Yes,” she admitted. “But I don’t want him to go now. Not yet.”
The wooden posts rumbled in the back end of the pickup truck as Charley drove across the pasture meadow to where Shad was running a new section of fence near the timberline. This last load of posts would take him to the end.
When he saw her coming he swung the post-hole digger aside, letting it fall to the ground near the partially dug hole. With slow energy- conserving strides, he walked to where she had stopped the truck. Charley was already out of the cab and lowering the tailgate.
As she grabbed for a fence post to drag it out of the truck Shad ordered crisply, “Don’t be lifting those. I’ll unload the posts.”
“I can manage,” she insisted. “I’ve done it before.”
When she continued to pull the end of the post out of the truck bed, his gloved hand bit into her arm. “I said leave it! I don’t care what you’ve done before. As long as I’m here, I’ll do the unloading!”
She had never seen that angry blaze in his eyes before or the uncompromising set of his features. He was almost a stranger to her. Charley let go of the post and Shad released her arm. She moved stiffly to one side.
“All right, I won’t help, but you don’t have to bite my head off!” she retorted.
He paused and leaned his hands on the tailgate, staring at the ground. When he lifted his head to look at her, much of the anger was gone but his expression was still tautly controlled.
“I’m not angry with you, Charley,” he explained. “I’m angry with myself for letting this situation develop.”
“You couldn’t help it,” she said, because it wasn’t solely his doing.
“Maybe not, but it doesn’t matter.” He straightened, eyeing her steadily. “I can’t ask a woman to share the kind of life I lead. It wouldn’t be fair to her. It wouldn’t work.”
Charley didn’t understand why he was bringing the subject up, unless—”Do you want me to go with you when you leave?”
“No.” His answer was definite. “I’m telling you why I don’t want you to come with me when I go.”
He reached for a post and began sliding it out of the truck and onto the ground. Charley stood quietly beside the truck, letting no expression show on her face as she watched him. When he had finished unloading the fence posts he glanced at her briefly.
“I’ll see you at lunch,” he said.
With a nod, she turned and walked to the cab, climbing in the driver’s side. There was a big emptiness inside her as she drove away.
Chapter Seven
IT WAS NEARLY noon on Monday before Charley drove the truck into the ranch yard after taking Gary to town to keep his doctor’s appointment. The doctor had decided to remove the cast a week early so her brother was in a buoyant mood.
As she slowed the truck to a stop in front of the house she noticed Shad’s saddle and gear sitting on the porch. Alarm shivered through her. Gary said something to her but she didn’t hear him as she bolted from the truck and raced up the porch steps into the house.
Inside the living room, she stopped to face Shad. He was carrying his duffel bag. Her heart was pounding wildly in her ears as she stared at him for several long seconds, unable to speak.
Finally she said, “Where are you going?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m leaving,” he stated flatly. “You knew the day would come when I’d move on.”
“You were going without saying a word. You were just going to be gone when we came back,” she accused in disbelief.
“It seemed the easiest way.” His jaw was hard, all expression held tightly in check.
“But to go without even telling me goodbye.” She didn’t understand how he could do that.
“You once told me that you were trying to decide how you were going to keep from crying when I left. At least give me credit for trying to spare you that,” Shad stated.
“Don’t go,” Charley protested, trying hard not to plead with him.
“There’s nothing you can say that will make me change my mind,” he said firmly. “I should have left before now. I’ve waited too long as it is.”
The screen door slammed as Gary walked in.
“Hello, Shad.” His high spirits told Charley that he hadn’t noticed any special significance in Shad’s gear sitting outside. “As you can see, I’ve thrown away my crutches for a cane.” Gary waggled it in the air. “They took the cast off today. Of course, Charley forgot to bring me some regular trousers so I had to walk out of the doctor’s office with my pant leg cut off and my hairy white leg showing, but I feel ten pounds lighter.” He paused, his glance lighting on the bag in Shad’s hand. “Are you going somewhere?”
“I’m leaving,” Shad repeated himself to her brother.
“Without letting us know?” Gary echoed her own words.
“Yes, and I’ve been all through that with your sister,” he replied, irritated.
“This is very sudden.” Gary frowned and glanced at Charley, trying to see by her expression if she’d known about this beforehand.
“You could have at least had the decency to give u
s a week’s notice,” Charley declared. “We would have had a chance to find someone to take your place. Gary has his cast off but it’ll be a couple of weeks before he gets the strength back in his leg.”
“That’s true,” Gary backed her up. “You are leaving us in the lurch. Charley can’t possibly do all the work by herself and I’m not going to be that much help to her for a while yet.”
Shad’s mouth became compressed in a taut line as his gaze slashed from one to the other. “All right,” he gave in reluctantly, suppressing his anger. “One week. I’m giving you one week’s notice from this morning. If you haven’t found someone to take my place by then, I’m leaving anyway.”
“Agreed,” Charley said.
When he pivoted away and started up the stairs to put his bag away, Gary glanced at her. “What did you gain out of that, Charley?”
“Time,” she said quietly. “Time to hire another man. That’s all.”
Charley noticed that Shad didn’t bother to unpack his duffel bag. His saddle and gear were stowed in the old pickup truck. When the time came, he would be gone in a matter of minutes. And that time wasn’t far off.
The back door to the kitchen opened and Charley glanced over her shoulder to see Shad enter the house. Her initial rush of pleasure at seeing him faded quickly and she turned back to the stove to stir the tomato sauce in the pan.
“Lunch will be ready in a few minutes,” she told him, trying not to let her mind make the countdown—only five more days, five more lunches to share.
“Have you found anyone to take over for me yet?” He came to stand beside her, his nearness disturbing her as always.
“No.”
“Have you even made any inquiries yet?” Shad demanded with barely concealed impatience.
“I’ve been too busy,” Charley replied.
He sighed heavily in disgust. “What are you trying to prove?”
“Nothing,” she insisted.
“I meant what I said, Charley. I’m not staying one hour longer than my week’s notice,” he reminded her tersely.
“I’m aware of that,” she murmured and closed her eyes as he walked away to wash up for the noon meal.
The following afternoon Charley was just leaving the house to help her brother with the evening chores when Shad drove up in his old pickup and stopped in front of the house. He walked right past her without saying a word and went into the house. Something about his purposeful stride started the dread to gnaw at her stomach. She waited on the porch. Within minutes he came out of the house with his duffel bag.
“What are you doing?” She stared at him, not quite accepting the evidence with her own eyes.
“This time I am leaving,” he said and shouldered his way by her to descend the porch steps.
“But you can’t,” she protested. “You gave us a week’s notice. There’s still four more days left.”
Opening the cab door, he heaved the duffel bag inside and turned to look at her. “Since you didn’t seem to be in any great hurry to find someone to replace me, I took the matter into my own hands.”
“What have you done?” There was little force behind her demand.
“I went to see your boyfriend this afternoon, Chuck Weatherby,” Shad replied.
“He isn’t my boyfriend,” she denied even though it was hardly important at this moment.
“I explained to him that I had to leave,” Shad went on as if she hadn’t interrupted him. “I asked him if he could spare one of his men to help you out for a couple of weeks until Gary can manage on his own.”
“You didn’t,” Charley breathed.
“I did,” he stated. “A man will be over first thing in the morning. I’m leaving now.”
But as he turned to slide behind the wheel, Gary rounded the front of the truck, leaning heavily on his cane. The truck had blocked him from view when he crossed the ranch yard from the barns. He sized the situation up instantly.
“Are you leaving, Shad?” he asked for confirmation.
“Yes. Chuck Weatherby is sending over one of his men in the morning.” His chin was thrust forward at a challenging angle, prepared to argue the issue of his leaving.
But Gary had no intention of arguing. Instead he offered Shad his hand. “Thanks for all you’ve done. We couldn’t have managed without you.”
His grim expression relented slightly, allowing a smile to twitch the corners of his mouth as he shook hands with her brother. “Take care.”
“Don’t go!” Charley flew down the porch steps and stopped abruptly before she reached Shad.
“Nothing is going to stop me this time, Charley. Not even you.” His eyes were hard points of blue steel, unwavering.
“You don’t have to leave this minute.” She was hurt and a little angry as she faced him defiantly. “You can at least stay long enough to hear what I have to say.”
“It has all been said.” He shook his head grimly. “Nothing has changed.”
“I know I can’t persuade you to change your mind, but you can at least hear me out!” she flared.
“All right,” Shad agreed, his mouth thinning. “Say what it is that’s on your mind and get it over with.”
“You know I don’t want you to leave but I’m not going to beg you to stay. So you don’t need to worry that I’m going to cause an unpleasant scene.” Her voice contained the hoarseness of pain, but it remained steady and forceful. “I just want you to know that I’ve figured out a few things about you, Shad Russell.”
“Such as?” His attitude was one of almost cynical indulgence. Charley was stung by the way he appeared to be enduring these last few minutes with her.
“Such as the reasons why you never stay in one place.” Her throat muscles were so tight she felt as if she was being strangled. “It isn’t because you have this itch to roam, like you pretend.”
“Is that right?” He openly mocked her.
“Yes, that’s right. Because if you stayed in one place, you might start to care for someone. And when you care for someone, you have to make a commitment to them. You don’t want to see what’s on the other side of the hill. No, you’re afraid of being responsible for someone other than yourself. You don’t know how to be a friend, so you won’t take a chance and find out!”
“Are you finished?” He didn’t appear to have heard a single word she’d said. She was almost crying with frustration.
“Not quite!” Her voice was raw and husky. “I love you. And if you had an ounce of sense, you’d stay right here and marry me. But you don’t so you’re going to do what you always do—move on down the road.” She paused to take a breath. “There’s just one more thing I want to say.”
“That’s encouraging,” Shad murmured dryly.”
“If you leave now, I won’t be waiting for you if you decide to come back!” Her voice was breaking, her control cracking. “I mean it, I won’t wait. I’m not going to pine my life away for a foolhearted man like you, Shad Russell!”
“Are you finished now?” he asked.
“Yes!” Charley choked on a sob and swallowed it before it escaped to humiliate her. Her hands were clenched into tight fists at her side while she stood tall and unmoving before him.
There wasn’t a word offered in farewell as Shad turned and climbed in behind the wheel of the pickup. His gaze didn’t stray to her when the motor grumbled to life. There wasn’t a look or a wave as the truck pulled away from the house.
“I won’t wait for you, Shad!” Charley cried again. Gary limped over to put an arm around her shoulders in silent comfort. Silent sobs began to shake her shoulders as Shad circled the ranch yard and headed down the lane to the highway. “The stupid fool! Hasn’t he ever seen any movies? Doesn’t he know that he’s supposed to turn right around and come back to me?” She sobbed in a crazy kind of anger.
Seconds later the truck disappeared from sight. Soon she couldn’t even hear the sound of its motor. Burying her face in her hands, she started crying. Gary turned her into his arms, h
ugging her close while his chin rubbed the top of her head.
“I’m sorry, Charley,” he murmured.
She leaned on him, unable to stop the flood of tears. Sobs racked her shoulders, tearing her apart. There was no relief from the pain inside.
“Come on, Charley. There’s no point in standing out here,” Gary urged. “Let’s go in the house.”
She let herself be turned toward the porch, leaning heavily on the support of his arm. Too blinded by tears to see where she was going, she let Gary lead her. She stumbled up the steps and across the porch floor to the door, the retching sobs continuing to tear at her chest. Inside the house he guided her to the sofa and sat down with her.
“That’s enough, Charley.” Her brother betrayed his inability to handle her tears. “Crying isn’t going to help. If you keep this up, you’re going to make yourself sick.”
Pulling a handkerchief from his pocket, he tried to dam the flow of tears by awkwardly dabbing at her eyes. In self-defense, Charley took the hankie from him and honestly tried to stop crying. The sobbing was reduced to painful, hiccuping breaths.
“That’s better.” There was relief in his voice.
But it wasn’t, not really. It was all on the inside now, all the pain and the heartache. She sat up, sniffling loudly, and pressed her lips tightly together to stop her chin from quivering. Her fingers twisted into the handkerchief, wadding it into a tight ball. Then she was noisily blowing her nose and sniffling some more.
“Damn him!” She swore at Shad, her voice taut and choked with pain.
“Now, Charley,” Gary attempted to soothe her, but she shrugged away from his comforting touch.
“How could I be such a fool?” She bounded to her feet and began pacing the living room. She switched from cursing Shad to berating herself. “I should have had more sense than to fall in love with him. I must have been crazy.’’
“You aren’t the first person to make that discovery,” Gary advised and studied her worriedly. Her lightning changes of mood left him confused and uncertain how to react.