—JIM BACKUS
An explorer went into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there was a lamp. So he picked it up, and as he started to rub the dirt off it, a genie came out of the lamp and said, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer said, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double the amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two. Now make your final wish.”
The explorer walked around for a few minutes, returned to the genie with a stick, and said, “You see this stick, I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
Why do divorces cost so much?
Because they’re worth it.
Doctors and Dentists
The thing that bothers me about doctors is they give you an appointment six weeks ahead, then they examine you, then they ask, “Why did you wait so long to see me?”
—JOEY ADAMS
Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist?
He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists—anyplace you’ve got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
—ALAN PROPHET
“Yeah, Doc, what’s the news?” answered Fred when his doctor called with his test results.
“I have some bad news and some really bad news,” admitted the doctor. “The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours to live.”
“Oh my God,” gasped Fred, sinking to his knees. “What could be worse news than that?”
“I couldn’t get hold of you yesterday.”
So my eye doctor told me, “Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?”
“No.”
“It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you’d like to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.”
—BRIAN REGAN
A woman calls the nurses’ station and says, “I would like to know how Mrs. Goldberg is doing.”
The nurse looks it up and says, “She’s doing fine. May I tell Mrs. Goldberg who called?”
She says, “This is Mrs. Goldberg. I called you because my doctor wouldn’t tell me anything.”
—STEWIE STONE
I don’t like going to the dentist. I don’t like having any part of a man in my mouth, for that matter.
—MARTIN MULL
A team of Hollywood doctors were working furiously to revive a patient whose heart had stopped in the middle of a quadruple bypass operation. Unfortunately, their efforts were to no avail, and the patient expired on the table.
“Oh, Doctor,” cried one of the attending nurses, “what a terrible shame.”
“Hey, lighten up, Peggy,” the head surgeon said reassuringly. “It’s not as though we were making a movie.”
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
—ERMA BOMBECK
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, “What’s the problem?”
He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.”
She said, “So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives.”
He said, “I know, but he only gave me four pills.”
—HAL ROACH
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
—JOEY BISHOP
Medical science has made a lot of progress with new miracle drugs. No matter what illness you have, the doctor can keep you alive long enough for you to pay your bill.
—JOEY ADAMS
The doctor explained to the heart patient that he would be able to resume his romantic life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. The patient listened attentively and said, “What if I look for a woman who lives on the ground floor?”
—JOEY ADAMS
I’d like to be an obstetrician. Look at all the guys you have working for you all the time.
—BERT HENRY
I went to the doctor. I said, “Doc, my foot, I can’t walk!”
He said, “You’ll be walking before the day is out.” He took my car.
—BUDDY HACKETT
A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor. . . . “Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me, D-D-oc, but but I-I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.
“Well, take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over.”
The guy gets into the gown and the doctor begins his examination. Finally, the doctor, obviously surprised, says, “I see what the problem is. Your penis is so large that it’s pulling on your abdominal muscles, which in turn is causing strain on your vocal chords.”
“W-w-w-well, c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?”
“Sure I can, but we’ll need to cut off about eight inches.”
“G-g-go a-a-a-head, D-D-Doc, I-I-I-I can’t t-t-t-take this an-anymore. D-d-do it.”
Six months later, the guy goes back to the doctor. “Well, Doc,” he says, “I must say, the operation was a great success, but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off.”
The doctor replies, “F-f-f-f-f-fuck off!”
A young lady is in the hospital for an operation. She says, “Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?”
He says, “You know, Miss Kandol, you’re the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy.”
Sobel goes into the optometrist’s office. He opens the door and says to the receptionist, “I think I need my eyes checked.”
She says, “You’re not kidding. This is the Ladies Room.”
The doctor tells his patient, “Well I have good new and bad news. . . .”
The patient says, “Lay it on me, Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
Jimmy walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I’ve got a constant erection. At first it was fun, but then it became painful and embarrassing.”
He takes down his pants, and his hard-on is sticking straight out.
The doctor whacks it with two fingers, a little bug jumps off, and it goes right down.
Jimmy says, “Gee, Doc, that’s great. How much do I owe you?”
The doctor says, “If you help me find that bug, you don’t owe me anything.”
Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.”
Harry says, “My God. What’s the good news?”
The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead.”
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: Ninety dollars.
Patient: Ninety dollars for just a few minutes’ work
?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Patient: I’m in a hospital!? Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well . . . the bad news first. . . .
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.
Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell you first?
Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor: All right. Your son has drowned, your daughter is in a coma, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have an incurable rare disease.
Patient: Good grief! What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.
Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it?
Patient: Black pepper!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why did the doctor fail as a kidnapper?
Because nobody could read the ransom notes.
What’s worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Cut your head off.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery on both of his hands.
“Doctor,” says the man, who excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”
“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.
‘That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”
Tom: What’s good for excessive wind, Doctor?
Doctor: A kite!
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes, sir, may we help you?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say something like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ear or whatever.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.
There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterward to tell him the bad news.
“Ohhhh no!!!” the patient wailed, “I’ll never be able to experience an erection again!”
“Of course you’ll still be able to experience an erection,” replied one surgeon, “only it will have to be someone else’s.”
A police officer had just pulled a car over. “When the officer walked up to the car, a man rolled down the window and said, “What’s the problem officer? By the way, I am a doctor.” The officer responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you.” Just then the doctor’s wife leaned forward from the passenger seat and said, in an obnoxious voice, “I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going. Thinks because he’s a doctor he can do what he wants.” The doctor turns to his wife and yells, “Shut up!”
The officer then continued, “And just before the light, I clocked you going fifty in a thirty.” The wife leans forward and again squawks, “I told him to slow down. But did he listen? No. He never listens to me.” The doctor then looks at his wife and says, “Hey, didn’t I just tell you to shut up?” The officer then looks at the wife and says, “Does he always talk to you this way?”
“Only when he’s been drinking,” she says.
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, “That new upper plate that I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replied, “All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious . . . hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much, I now put it on everything . . . meat, toast, fish, vegetables—everything.”
“Well,” said the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eating away at your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I’ll use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asked the patient.
The dentist replied, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
After the dentist finished examining the woman’s teeth, he says, “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman says, “Ooooohhhh, I’d rather have a baby!”
To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
A woman who was seeing a doctor for a rare skin ailment was prescribed male hormones for her condition. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
“Doctor,” she said, “the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
“On my balls.”
All my doctor does is send me to see other doctors.
I don’t know if he’s really a doctor or a booking agent.
Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
The surgeon said, “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.” So Sam left, and when he returned in four hours, the surgeon said, “I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub.” Sam went to the pub, and there was John, throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, “Legs are a little tougher. Come back in six hours.” Sam left, and when he returned in six hours, the surgeon said, “I finished early. John’s down at the soccer field.” Sam went to the soccer field, and there was John, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, “Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours.” So Sam left, and when he returned in twelve hours, the surgeon said, “I’m sorry, John died.”
The surgeon said, “Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag.”
A fellow was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later he was back at the doctor’s, complaining that his constipation had gotten worse, not better.
The doctor asked, “Have you been taking the suppositories regularly?”
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” said the fellow, “shoving them up my ass?”
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Drink and Drinking
Phil Harris sees a psychiatrist once a week to make him stop drinking—and it works. Every Wednesday, between five and six, he doesn’t drink.
—JOE E. LEWIS
The bartender was dumbfounded when a gorilla came in and asked for a martini, but he couldn’t think of any reason not to serve the beast. And he was even more amazed to find the gorilla coolly holding out a ten-dollar bill when he returned with the drink.
As he walked over to the cash register, he decided to try something. He rang up the sale, headed back to the animal, and handed it a dollar in change. The gorilla didn’t say anything, he just sat there sipping his martini.
Finally the bartender couldn’t take it anymore. “You know,” he offered, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
And the gorilla replied, “At nine bucks a drink, I’m not surprised.”
Alcohol is good for you. My grandfather proved it. He drank two quarts of booze every mature day of his life and lived to the age of one hundred and three. I was at the cremation—that fire would not go out.
—DAVE ASTOR
Let’s get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
—ROBERT BENCHLEY (ALSO ATTRIBUTED TO ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT)
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
—JOE E. LEWIS
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he says to the bartender, “Hey, if I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?” “We’ll see,” said the bartender. “I’ve had a lot of nuts come in here, and I’ve seen some pretty amazing things in my day.”
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 11