So the man pulls a hamster and a tiny piano out of his briefcase, and puts them on the bar. Then the hamster begins to play Chopin.
“Not bad,” said the bartender, “but I’ll need to see more.”
“Okay, hold on,” says the man as he pulls a frog from his briefcase. Suddenly, the frog starts singing “My Way.”
A patron nearby jumps up from his table and says, “That’s amazing! I’ll give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog.”
“Sold!” says the man, who exchanges the frog for the cash.
The bartender then says to the man, “You know, its none of my business, but I think you just gave away a real fortune in that frog.”
“Not really,” says the man, “the hamster is also a ventriloquist.”
One night Judge O’Brien tottered into his house very late and very drunk indeed, so bombed that he had managed to throw up all over himself. In the morning he sheepishly told his wife that a drunk sitting next to him on the train home had managed to vomit all over him.
The judge managed to make it into the courthouse, where it occurred to him that his story might not be truly convincing to his wife. Inspired, he called home and said, “Honey, you won’t believe this, but I just had the drunk who threw up on me last night show up in court, and I gave him thirty days.”
“Give him sixty days,” said the judge’s wife. “He shit in your pants, too.”
One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I’m having a good time.
—NANCY ASTOR
The owner of a bar is just locking up when there is a ring at the doorbell. He opens the door and there’s a snail sitting there.
“What do you want?” asks the owner.
“I want a drink,” says the snail.
“Go away, we’re closed, and we don’t serve snails!”
The snail begs and pleads for a drink. The owner, now fed up with the sniveling snail, kicks him and slams the door shut.
ONE YEAR LATER
The owner is locking up the bar when the doorbell rings. He opens the door, looks down, and sees the snail.
“What did you do that for?” asks the snail.
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, who drinks as much as you do.
—DYLAN THOMAS
Two drinking buddies made a night of it. As they closed the last bar in town, one admitted to the other, “God, I hate getting in at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Marge always wakes up and nags the shit out of me for what seems like hours.”
“Sneaking’s not the way to do it,” said his buddy conspiratorially as they staggered arm in arm down the sidewalk. “Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling, ‘Hey, baby, let’s fuck.’ My wife always pretends she’s sound asleep.”
I saw this wino—he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
—MITCH HEDBERG
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
—W. C. FIELDS
What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A drunk doesn’t have to go to meetings.
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
—HUMPHREY BOGART
How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
If you don’t drink, when you wake up in the morning, that’s the best you’re gonna feel all day.
—MARTIN MULL
This guy’s not an ordinary, garden-variety drunk. Far from it. Last year he donated his body to science, and he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
—GEORGE BURNS
Why do elephants drink?
It helps them forget.
The Ten Stages of Drunkenness
1. Witty and charming
2. Rich and famous
3. Benevolent
4. Clairvoyant
5. Fuck dinner
6. Patriotic
7. Crank up the Enola Gay
8. Witty and charming, Part Two
9. Invisible
10. Bulletproof
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
—OSCAR WILDE
I am sparkling; you are unusually talkative; he is drunk.
I drink to forget I drink.
—JOE E. LEWIS
When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.
—JIMMY BRESLIN
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
—W C. FIELDS
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
—DEAN MARTIN
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender, being the observant sort, noticed right off that the pig had a wooden leg. He goes over to the man and asks about it.
The man says, “For a beer I’ll tell you all about this very special pig.” The bartender figures it’s got to be a good story, and so he gives the man a beer.
The man begins, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night, about a year ago, my house caught fire. This pig broke out of his pen, came into the house, dragged my two littlest children out of the house, woke me and my wife, and then guided us out of the house. This pig saved my life and my family’s lives.”
The bartender, impressed but still wondering about the leg, says, “Well, that’s great. But why does he have a wooden leg?”
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 A.M., at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk, he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he notices blood, so he checks himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind is cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers, trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year-old single malts, and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downs each one.
“Whew,” the bartender remarks, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be, too, if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asks.
“Fifty cents.”
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
A man in a nice suit goes into a bar. He says, “Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniels.”
He gives him a triple Jack Daniels, and he belts it down. He has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and someone kicks him in the ass.
The next night, he walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniels.”
The next night, he walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me a triple tequila.”
He says, “I thought you drank Jack Daniels.”
He says, “Not anymore. Jack Daniels makes my ass hurt.”
There were two drunks waiting for the bus. One was holding a large bag.
The drunk next to him asked, “Hey, what have you got in that bag there?”
The other drunk replied, “Porcupines.”
“How many porcupines have you got in that bag then?” the first drunk asked.
“I’m not telling you!” replied the other.
“I’ll tell you what,” said the first, “if I guess how many porcupines you have in that bag, will you give me one?”
“I’ll tell you what,” replied the other, “if you guess how many porcupines I have in this bag . . . I’ll give you both of them!”
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About five drinks.
A patron is sitting at a bar, and from out of an old suitcase he takes out a tiny piano and a little man about a foot tall. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing beautifully.
A fellow sitting next to the patron at the bar looks on in sheer amazement.
“That’s unbelievable! Where on earth did you get him?” says the fellow.
“Well, I have this magic lamp here that was given to me by a genie.”
“Could I try it?” asks the fellow.
“Sure, be my guest.”
The fellow rubs the lamp, and out comes a handsome genie.
“For what do you wish?” asks the genie.
“I’d like a million bucks,” says the fellow.
Suddenly, the room is filled with a million quacking ducks.
“I asked for a million bucks, not ducks,” the fellow says to the patron.
“I know,” said the patron. “The genie is a little hard of hearing. You don’t really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist, do you?”
A drunk was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket, when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
“Look,” said the customer, “I have no arms—would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?”
“Sure,” said the bartender, and he did.
“Now,” said the customer, “I wonder if you’d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.”
“Certainly.” And it was done.
“If,” said the armless man, “you’d reach in my right-hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer.”
The bartender got it.
“You’ve been very kind,” said the customer. “Just one thing more. Where is the men’s room?”
“Out the door,” said the bartender, “turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner.”
How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb?
About one-third less than for a regular bulb.
A heavily inebriated gentleman is going ice fishing. He starts to drill a hole with his auger when a loud booming voice says, “There’s no fish down there!”
So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again. The same voice booms, “There’s no fish down there!”
So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice immediately comes again, “There’s no fish down there either!”
The drunk looks around and says, “Who are you anyways? God?”
“No, I’m the rink manager!”
Drugs
Now MTV is running that “Rock Against Drugs” campaign. Right. That’s an awful lot like “Whores Against Sex.”
—BOB HARRIS
Why did the moron take two hits of mescaline?
So he could go round-trip.
Now they’re calling taking drugs an epidemic—that’s ’cause white folks are doing it.
—RICHARD PRYOR
I took Benzedrine and got clairvoyance. With Benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world—like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as, which is the left sock?
—MORT SAHL
A wonder drug is a medicine that makes you wonder whether you can afford it.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
—RICHARD PRYOR
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
—STEVEN WRIGHT
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
—GEORGE CARLIN
Every four minutes on television you see a brand-new pharmaceutical commercial. A new drug comes out, they make a sixty-second spot. The first fifty seconds they tell you how wonderful this drug is. The last ten seconds you get a list of side effects far worse than any disease I can ever imagine. And I for one do not want menstrual cramps.
—FREDDIE ROMAN
E
Education
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
—PAUL DICKSON
The night before her wedding, Maria pulled her mother aside for an intimate little chat. “Mom,” she confided, “I want you to tell me how I can make my new husband happy.”
The bride’s mother took a deep breath. “Well, my child,” she began, “when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing.”
“I know how to fuck, Mom,” interrupted the girl. “I want you to teach me how to make lasagna.”
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
—FRAN LEBOWITZ
The government said Americans are all geographically illiterate and economically ignorant. It’s true. How many times have you said to yourself, “Where did all my money go?”
—ALAN PROPHET
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
—WOODY ALLEN
My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated.
Now he’s suing them for wasting seven years of his life.
—MIKE BINDER
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
—MARK TWAIN
A naive young fellow got engaged to a lovely girl, and when they went in for their blood tests, it quickly became apparent to the doctor that the husband-to-be had no idea what sexual intercourse consisted of. Taking pity on the bride, Dr. Jones explained about the birds and the bees and the coconut trees, but the vague smile on the young man’s face was unconvincing. The doctor’s second attempt to explain the ritual of the wedding night left the groom-to-be smiling and nodding, but clearly baffled. So the good doctor gave it one more try, to no avail.
Thoroughly frustrated, the doctor instructed the young woman to undress and lie down upon the examination table. She obeyed happily enough, and Dr. Jones, a humanitarian through and through, proceeded to demonstrate for the young man. For forty minutes he demonstrated. Finally, sweaty and exhausted, he hauled himself up on his elbows, turned to the fiancé, and said, “Now do you understand what I’ve been trying to tell you?”
At last a glimmer of comprehension came into the young man’s blue eyes. “I’ve got it now, Doc,” he cried happily.
“Good, good,” said the doctor in relief, getting down from the table and pulling up his pants. “Do you have any further questions?”
“Just one,” admitted the young man.
“Yes?” asked the doctor testily.
If there is a hell, it was modeled after junior high school.
—LEWIS BLACK
I find that the three major administrative problems on a campus are sex for the students, athletics for the alumni, and parking for the faculty.
—CLARK KERR
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
—CALVIN TRILLIN
I always try to avoid clichés like the plague!
Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
Embarrassment
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
—MARK TWAIN
What’s the ultimate in embarrassment for a woman?
When her Ben-Wa balls set off the metal detector at the airport.
The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. “Listen to these features: it’s calibrated to one one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that’s not all . . .”
“Very impressive,” interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, “but before I place an order, I’ll have to try it out.
“Be my guest,” said the manufacturer graciously.
But no sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: “One at a time, please, one at a time!”
There was this guy who desperately wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. However, he was too embarrassed because of his extremely small penis. So one night he took her to a dark place where she couldn’t see it, and after furiously making out with her, dropped his pants and put his penis in her hand.
“Sorry, I don’t smoke,” she whispered.
I think I embarrassed the lady next to me on the plane. It was one of those flights that you sleep on, and I sleep in the nude.
—JOHNNY DARK
Mike was touching up the paint in the bathroom one weekend when the brush slipped out of his hand, leaving a stripe across the toilet seat. So Mike painted the whole seat over, and went off to a ball game.
His wife happened to get home early, went upstairs to pee, and found herself firmly stuck to the toilet seat. At six o’clock Mike found her there, furious and embarrassed, but he was unable to dislodge her for fear of tearing the skin.
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 12