Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes

by Barry Dougherty

  “Life,” pronounced the wizened old man gravely, “is the scent of jasmine after a spring rain.”

  The student frowned. “But, Master,” he objected gently, “an Incan wise man I encountered on the steps of Machu Picchu told me life was a thorn like a needle of tempered steel.”

  The sage nodded calmly and said, “That’s his life.”

  I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of her life?

  Losers

  My friend hit it big in Las Vegas. He drove there in an $8,000 car, and returned home in a $20,000 bus.

  How can you tell when a guy’s a loser?

  “When he’s making love, he fantasizes he’s someone else.

  Dial-a-Prayer hung up on me.

  —JACKIE VERNON

  How can you tell a guy really doesn’t have much to offer?

  His bride shows up at the wedding with a date.

  Three high-school pals were walking on the boardwalk when they saw the most gorgeous girl in a string bikini. Two of the guys let out wolf whistles and stared their eyes out, but Norman, the third guy, took to his heels in the opposite direction.

  A few days later, all three were walking on the boardwalk again and saw the same girl, this time wearing nothing but the bikini bottom. And again, two of the guys went ape while Norman ran for his life.

  So when the guys saw the girl a third time—this time she’s stark naked—the other two grabbed Norman before he could get away. Shaking him by the shoulders, they shouted, “Why’re you running away from a gorgeous sight like that, you jerk?”

  Trembling, Norman blurted, “See, it’s like this: my mother told me if I ever looked at a naked woman, I’d turn into stone . . . and I felt something getting hard.”

  How can you tell if a guy is a loser?

  “When he calls a porn service and the girl says, “Not tonight, I’ve got an earache.”

  He was so lonely, he couldn’t eat Jell-O without fondling it first.

  How can you tell if a guy is a loser? His therapist sends him hate mail.

  —BOB HOPE

  I know a guy who’s so square that he went to an orgy and all he did was steal the grapes.

  —RED BUTTONS

  How do you know if a guy’s a loser?

  If the only way he gets to see a woman naked is by buying the clothes off a store mannequin.

  He can remember the night he lost his innocence in the backseat of the family car. It would have been even more memorable if he hadn’t been alone.

  —RED BUTTONS

  Love

  If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

  —LILY TOMLIN

  Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

  —JULES RENARD

  Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses.

  —JAMES DEWAR

  If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile. If you say, “No, I don’t want it right now,” that’s when you’ll get it for sure. Love will make a way out of no way. Love is an exploding cigar that we willingly smoke.

  —LYNDA BARRY

  A lot of people wonder how you know if you’re really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: “Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?”

  —RONNIE SHAKES

  Love is what happens to a man and woman who don’t know each other.

  —W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM

  Love is like the measles—all the worse when it comes late in life.

  —DOUGLAS JERROLD

  Love is staying awake all night with a sick child. Or a very healthy adult.

  —DAVID FROST

  A Love Poem: “Hey, Wait a Minute”

  Her long tan legs

  Those dark bedroom eyes

  Her deep, sexy voice

  Her huge protruding Adam’s apple . . . hey, wait a minute?

  —JEFFREY ROSS

  Make love, not war, or do both—get married.

  Luck

  Some of you at the Friars may remember a guy named Charlie Schlossel, a very successful manufacturer who seemed to disappear from our midst. Last night I was about to enter my limousine when I saw this homeless person going through a garbage can and I realized it was Charlie Schlossel. It was a sobering moment. I said, “Charlie, what happened?”

  “Well, I went through fifteen million like this,” he said, snapping his fingers. “You know, after I sold my business, I always wanted a jet airplane, so I bought one. I’m coming out of Manila Airport, we had to abort the takeoff, the wing hits the tarmac, bursts into flame, thank God we were all safe. Five million dollars, no insurance, out the window.”

  He said, “I was sitting in the south of France, I saw this yacht and I hear somebody’s saying that the guy’s going belly up. I give him five million for the yacht. We’re coming out of the fjords in Norway, hit an iceberg, sunk, thank God we got out.”

  He said, “I saw this little girl in the Greek Islands . . . breasts, ass firm, tight, maybe twenty, twenty-three years old. I married her. Two years later she took me for five million in the settlement.”

  The lesson, I guess, that we can all learn is that if it flies, floats, or fucks—rent it.

  —ALAN KING

  Don’t believe in superstition—it brings bad luck.

  “When Doug came in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, “Doug, you’d better sit down. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

  “Okay,” said Doug, taking a seat, “give me the bad news first.”

  “Well,” said the doctor, “you’ve only got three weeks to live.”

  “Jesus!” gasped Doug, wiping the sweat off his brow. “What the hell’s the good news?”

  “You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?”

  “You bet!” answered Doug.

  “The one with the body that won’t quit?”

  “Right.”

  “And the blond hair and big baby blues—”

  “Yeah, yeah,” interrupted Doug. “Where’s the good news?”

  Leaning forward, the doctor announced with a grin, “I’m sleeping with her!”

  Ever notice how the person who remarks, “Well, that’s the way the ball bounces,” is usually the one who dropped the ball?

  For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.

  —ALLAN SHERMAN

  Michael was never considered the brightest man in town. And one day, when he was seen driving around in a new sports car, everyone asked him what happend. “I won the lottery,” he answered.

  “How did you guess the number?” a person asked.

  “Well, for three consecutive nights, I dreamed of the number eight. Then I realized that three times eight is thirty-two, so I picked number thirty-two. Sure enough, number thirty-two came up, and now I’m a rich man.”

  “You numbskull,” said the person, “three times eight is twenty-four!”

  “Really?” said Michael. “Well, thirty-two won anyway.”

  Two clerics get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, one says to the other, “There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

  The other replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

  “And look at this,” says the other. “Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

  He then hands the bottle to the other man, who takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back. The man takes back the bottle and immediately puts
the cap on. The other man asks, “Aren’t you going to take a drink?”

  “No, I think I’ll wait for the police to join us,” the man said.

  A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”

  Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

  The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

  Why are builders afraid to have a thirteenth floor, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter Eleven?

  A guy on his deathbed looks at his wife and says, “You know, honey, when we left Russia, you left with me, you stuck with me. When we moved to Cleveland, we had a little store, they burned us out, you stuck with me. We went to Watts, we tried to help the black people, they burned us out, you stuck with me.”

  She said, “You know, you’re a jinx.”

  —HENNY YOUNGMAN

  Lust

  If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her. She’s got malaria.

  —JACKIE KANNON

  The biggest myth, as measured by square footage, is that as you grow older, you gradually lose your interest in sex. This myth probably got started because younger people seem to want to have sex with each other at every available opportunity, including traffic lights, whereas older people are more likely to reserve their sexual activities for special occasions, such as the installation of a new pope.

  But does this mean that, as an aging person, you’re no longer capable of feeling the lust that you felt as an eighteen-year-old? Not at all! You’re attracted just as strongly as you ever were toward eighteen-year-olds! The problem is that everybody your own age seems repulsive.

  —DAVE BARRY

  The fraternity boy went into the pharmacy and asked for the most reliable aphrodisiac available. “I got a couple of coeds coming over this weekend and they’re gonna be horny as hell,” he whispered confidentially. “I wanna be able to handle them all myself, know what I mean?”

  The pharmacist handed him a little jar with a conspiratorial wink, and wished him a happy weekend.

  Monday morning the young man crawled into the pharmacy and croaked, “Bengay . . . I need some Bengay.”

  “For your pecker?” asked the incredulous pharmacist. “It’ll sting like hell.”

  “No, for my elbow. The women didn’t show.”

  Especially horny one night, Sam rolled over and nuzzled his wife. “How about it, honey?” he asked tenderly.

  “Oh, Sam, I’ve got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow,” said his wife, going on to explain that the doctor had requested that she abstain from intercourse for twenty-four hours before an appointment.

  Sam sighed deeply and turned over to his side of the bed. A few minutes later he rolled back and asked hopefully, “You don’t have a dentist appointment, do you?”

  The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs more than two hundred dollars.

  M

  Male Anatomy

  When Mike came into the office for the results of some medical tests, the doctor told him he had some good news and some bad news. Mike asked for the good news first.

  “Your penis is going to grow two inches in length and an inch in circumference.”

  “That’s terrific,” Mike exclaimed, breaking into a big smile. “So what could be bad?”

  The doctor answered, “Malignant.”

  Three couples traveling from out of town to a convention had to share two rooms at the overbooked hotel. They decided that the three husbands would sleep in one room, and the three wives would sleep in the other room. In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle woke up and started to climb over the fellow on the end, who woke up, and said, “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going to go find my wife,” he said. “I just woke up with the biggest erection that I have had in years.”

  And the fellow underneath said, “Do you want me to go with you?”

  And the guy on top said, “Why should I want you to go with me?”

  He said, “Because that’s my cock you’re holding.”

  —NORM CROSBY

  Why do men have more brains than dogs do?

  So they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

  Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist camp?

  The one who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.

  I went to my doctor and told him, “My penis is burning.” He said, “That means somebody is talking about it.”

  —GARRY SHANDLING

  Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you’ve been dating and he’s mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?

  —LOUIS C.K.

  When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” I said, “Okay, but how about paying some attention to our dick?”

  —BILL MAHER

  Every time a woman leaves something off, she looks better, and every time a man leaves off something, he looks worse.

  —WILL ROGERS

  Two very nervous young men got to talking in the doctor’s waiting room and discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, “Don’t worry, man, it’s nothing!”

  Vastly relieved, the second patient went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, “I’m very sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD and your penis will have to be amputated.”

  Turning white as a sheet, the young man gasped, “But the first guy . . . he said it was no big deal!”

  “Well, you know,” said the doctor, “there’s a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

  One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request. He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy, he explained, and while their sex life was dynamite, he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick.

  The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him, pointing out that it would be very painful, and that most of the time the tattoo would just read “Wy” anyway. But Gary was undeterred, and went ahead with the tattoo. Sure enough, Wendy was crazy about the tattoo, and their sex grew even wilder and more frequent. Gary was a happy man.

  One day he was downtown and had to take a leak in a public men’s room. At the next urinal was a big, tall guy, and when Gary looked over he was surprised to see “Wy” on this guy’s penis as well. “How about that!” he exclaimed. “Say, is your girlfriend’s name Wendy, too?”

  “Dream on,” answered the guy. “Mine says, ‘Welcome to my place and Have a Nice Day.’”

  What does a dumb bridegroom say on his wedding night?

  “Where’s the reset button?”

  Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, “I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his.”

  Moe looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”

  “I know,” said Joe with a sigh, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”

  Harry stopped by the funeral parlor to see his friend Joe, who was an embalmer, and found him at work on a corpse with a gigantic penis. The man’s apparatus was so spectacular that Harry blurted out, “Wouldn’t I love to have that cock!”

  “You might as well—this guy doesn’t need it anymore,” said Joe, and he proceeded to cut off the organ and hand it to Harry. Harry wrapped it up carefully and took it home, where he found his wife in the kitchen making dinner. Deciding to have a little fun, Harry unwrapped the package, stuck it between his legs, and rushed into the kitchen, shouting, “Look, honey, look!”

  His wife took on
e look and asked, “What happened to Sidney?”

  What were the first words Adam said to Eve?

  “Stand back—I don’t know how big this thing’s going to get!”

  What goes “Ha! Ha! Thump! Thump!”?

  A man laughing his balls off.

  “Why do you iron your bra when you have nothing to put into it?” asked the husband snidely.

  “I iron your shorts, don’t I?” retorted the wife.

  What did the elephant say to the naked man?

  “How do you breathe through that thing?”

  Male dentists are the only men in our society who can routinely tell women to shut their mouths and not be slapped for telling them.

  What did the patient tell the plastic surgeon when he helped her out of the examining chair?

  Thanks for the lift.

  The doctor was examining a young model who was having tremendous pain in her side.

  “My dear, you have acute appendicitis,” the doctor said.

  The woman became quite angry and said, “Don’t try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented.”

  What’s six inches long that women love?

  Folding money.

  Jack was delighted by the opportunity to use the golf course at the swank country club, and even more so when he hit a hole-in-one on the eighth hole. As he bent over to take his ball out of the cup, a genie popped out.

  “This club is so exclusive that my magical services are available to anyone who hits a hole-in-one on this hole,” the genie explained. “Any wish you desire shall be granted.”

  “How about that!” Jack was thrilled, and immediately requested a longer penis.

  “Your wish is granted,” intoned the genie solemnly, and disappeared down the hole in a puff of incense.

  The golfer went on down the green, and as he walked, he could feel his dick slowly lengthening. As the game progressed, Jack could feel it growing and growing, down his thigh, out from his shorts, down past his knee.