Brave Faces

by Mary Arden

  She explained how to put the baby’s arms down each side of its little body and then wrap it tightly from under the arms. She showed me the correct way to mix the powdered milk with water that had been boiled first and then cooled making sure there were no lumps. I had no idea that I would have to learn so much and hoped that I would be able to remember to do it all correctly.

  ‘Tomorrow, before your husband leaves, ask him to go to the chemist to buy these things on the list I’m giving you, and then to an ironmonger to buy two clean buckets for the nappies. A nurse will then visit you daily until you are confident that you can manage on your own, and I understand that your mother will be staying with you after your husband has been sent overseas.’

  ‘Yes, she will, thank goodness,’ I said.

  ‘A good routine is the essential way to help a small baby thrive. Every three hours day and night without fail, set your alarm clock, feed the baby, wind it, change it and put it down, no going out in a pram, or showing it off to friends for the first two weeks. If you start to sneeze wear a muslin mask. Do all this and within a few weeks your baby will have regained its birth weight and begin to gain several ounces a week and then you can ease up a bit,’ she explained. ‘After that you can change to four hourly feeds and take it out in the fresh air.’ I was grateful for this advice, as I hadn’t got a clue how to look after my little girl.

  When Duncan arrived to take us back to our flat, the Matron patted me on the back and said, ‘Next time try to go the full nine months, dear!’

  ‘Oh there won’t be a next time Matron, once is quite enough!’ I said firmly.

  ‘They all say that!’ she said laughing.

  That night, back at the flat, Charlotte slept in the drawer, which we filled with a pillow and a folded sheet with the blanket and a shawl to keep her warm. We didn’t get much sleep that night, as feeding, winding and changing Charlotte seemed endless. In between each session we held each other close knowing that this was the last chance we would be together for a very long time.

  The sound of Duncan packing his things woke me up at nine o’clock in the morning, which was just as well as it was time to feed Charlotte again. I felt really exhausted and couldn’t imagine how I was going to manage each day with so little rest. Duncan made some breakfast for us and then checked the list of things he had been told to buy before he left. I had a wash, tidied my hair and put on a clean dress and then when I heard him return I took a quick look in the mirror and made myself smile, as I wanted to look my best for him, despite feeling like breaking down and sobbing my heart out.

  When I saw Duncan come through the door I could see that he had not only bought the baby things while he was out but also a lovely bunch of spring flowers, ‘Now darling, don’t forget that your mother is arriving at five,’ he said as he held Charlotte in his arms for the midday feed, looking as though he’d fed a baby all his life, ‘so you won’t be alone for too long and Mrs Briars and Mrs Wallace are only on the other side of that door, so don’t hesitate to call them if you need anything.’ I nodded, thinking how lucky we were to have found this ideal flat in such a comfortable house.

  After I had managed to get Charlotte to produce a proper burp and Duncan had put her back in the drawer, Mrs Wallace called out that lunch was ready but we were both feeling far too upset to eat very much. However we managed to force a few mouthfuls down, as we didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

  There was now only an hour to go before Duncan would have to leave, so he moved his chair beside mine and held my hand in his. He looked close to tears, which made me feel like crying, so to try to make things a bit less tense I told him that I’d take Charlotte to stay with his parents, as soon as she was a decent weight and that I’d write to him often but to remember that if my letters took an age to reach him it didn’t mean I hadn’t posted them. He promised to do the same whenever he had a spare moment. Then just like on our honeymoon, one minute he was there, the next he was gone.

  A Naval car had been sent to collect him and I watched through the window until it disappeared out of view and then finally I could hold on no longer, the floodgates opened and the tears began to flow. I felt like screaming and couldn’t stop worrying about what Duncan would have to do, now that he had been sent to fight the Japanese.

  After I had pulled myself together, I went to check on Charlotte, who looked so peaceful that it made me smile.

  The District Nurse arrived just as I was in the middle of the three o’clock feed, ‘You are doing it all perfectly, Mrs Ogilvie, well done.’ Even though she sounded a bit patronising I didn’t really mind, as it was a relief to know that I was doing everything right.

  ‘If I were you, I would ask your mother to help with the night feeds, so that you can get a six hour break now and again at night and although your baby mustn’t go out into the fresh air just yet, you should try to sit in the garden whenever you can and walk to the shops. I’ll ask your Doctor to prescribe a good tonic. Once the bleeding has stopped you’ll feel much better.’ When she was at the door she turned to me and said, ‘I’ll come to see you tomorrow and then, as you are doing so well, I’ll miss a day if you don’t mind, as I have six other babies to check!’

  I looked at my watch and realising that my mother should be here in about an hour, I thought that I’d have a rest, so that I would feel fresh when she arrived.

  I was still asleep when I heard Mrs Briars talking to someone in the hall. It was my mother, apologising for having so much baggage with her. ‘I brought so many baby things and food from the farm that I needed two porters!’ she tittered.

  I was so thrilled to see her that I ran into her arms like a child and started crying, ‘Oh Mummy, thank you so much for coming.’

  ‘There, there darling we’ll soon sort it all out,’ my mother said trying to comfort me. ‘Leave it to me and just pretend I am a Red Cross nurse that’s come to help you!’

  My mother took a long look at Charlotte before smiling at me and saying, ‘Oh she is absolutely adorable darling.’

  She then lifted her granddaughter out of the drawer and put her into the new pretty frilly basket that she had brought with her, which she told me had a horsehair mattress, a waterproof sheet and flannelette under sheet.

  ‘I see you are swaddling her, what a sensible idea,’ my mother said, ‘your Nanny used to do that for you when you were a tiny baby too.’

  After leaving me to feed Charlotte, she went through to the main house and knocked on Mrs Briar’s door who told her that the housekeeper had put her things in the spare bedroom and to please call Mrs Wallace if she couldn’t find anything and then to my surprise I heard her ask my mother to join her for a sherry before supper if she wasn’t too tired after the long journey.

  After the next feed, I put Charlotte back in her new basket and then tied a ribbon on the hood to remind me which side she was to lie on after her next feed and then had a hot bath, which was bliss. As I changed into my nightgown and put on my dressing gown, I thought that if my mother could feed Charlotte at nine then I would be able to sleep until midnight, which would make a pleasant change.

  When we had finished our supper, I showed my mother how to make up Charlotte’s feed, which jug to heat the bottle in, and which pail I used for nappy soaking and which one I used for the dirty ones. She then picked up her book and told me to get some sleep while she saw to the nine o’clock feed. ‘If I need help I promise I’ll wake you up,’ my mother said firmly.

  It felt so good, knowing that I could drift off to sleep without worrying about Charlotte and that if she did suddenly wake up my mother would look after her. I could smell Duncan’s aftershave on the pillow, which made me miss him terribly but I was so exhausted that any further thoughts vanished and I must have fallen straight to sleep, as the next thing I remembered was the alarm going off at midnight. I got up to feed Charlotte and then an hour or so later I went back to bed and slept soundly until the 3am feed. Thankfully my mother insisted on doing the 6am one.


  After breakfast, my mother told me that she was going to the shops to buy a bottle of brandy. ‘A spoonful of brandy in a cup of tea will stop us falling over with exhaustion,’ she chuckled.

  When she got back, she told me that the grocer had roared with laughter after she had told him that it was for ‘emergency purposes’, as we needed the brandy to lace our tea, while we were saving a baby’s life and feeding it every three hours!

  As the District Nurse had suggested that I start doing some exercise to regain my strength, I now made myself go for daily walks to the beach and back to get some fresh air. My mother took care of Charlotte while I was out, and if she was busy, my daughter’s two self-appointed ‘Aunties’, Mrs Briars and Mrs Wallace, held the fort.

  One evening I rang my cousin, Jane, to tell her all about Charlotte. She was really thrilled for me. ‘Once you go to Hilltop House I’ll come and see you. I can be Charlotte’s godmother can’t I?’ she begged. This made me wonder whether I should contact Duncan’s cousin, Ian, as he had told us that he would like to be one of the godfathers to our first child. Jane then told me that she had some news of her own. She had been seeing one of her cousins whenever he was on leave and it was obvious that she was very keen on him.

  Three weeks later, I noticed that Charlotte seemed to be awake for longer periods and kept turning her head when she heard someone speaking. She had now caught up on her birth weight and was thriving, so the District Nurse told me that there was no need to keep doing the three am feed anymore, which was wonderful news.

  When the nurse next came to see us she suggested that I take her into the garden for some sun and fresh air, which she loved but when I came back inside to give her a bath in the washbasin, she hated it and screamed blue murder. ‘Wait until we can buy a baby bath where she can kick her legs,’ my sensible mother suggested!

  ‘Charlotte is doing just fine,’ I was told a week later by the friendly nurse after she had weighed my tiny baby. ‘You may take your baby to your mother’s home now if you like, Mrs Ogilvie.’

  ‘We’ll fly from Liverpool to London’ my mother said firmly, ‘Daddy will meet us at the airport.’

  The plane was a lot cleaner and quicker than the train. The air hostess placed the Moses basket in the aisle between the seats, and for the first time I noticed that Charlotte was now staring back at all the people who were smiling down at her. It was lovely to see her so content.

  When my father saw his little granddaughter for the first time, I could see tears on his cheeks.

  ‘Oh Blossom,’ he said placing his arm tightly around my waist, ‘Thank you for this wonderful gift,’ That made me start crying and then when I looked at my mother she was mopping her eyes with a handkerchief. What a family!

  When we arrived at Hilltop House, I could see why my father had been so anxious to live there. The house was beautiful. While my mother looked after my daughter, I had a good look around. The two tiny rooms at the top of the back staircase were perfect, as it meant that I could sleep in the room next to Charlotte. One of the rooms had been converted into a child’s bedroom and decorated in primrose and cream with a frieze of farm animals on the walls. There was even a cot in one corner ready for when she grew a bit bigger and a small washbasin in the corner with a changing table and a comfortable basket chair for me to sit in while I fed her.

  After I had unpacked, I went downstairs for tea. I asked my mother where Agnes was. ‘She’s having a much needed holiday. We sent her back to Ireland to see her family for a couple of months, as she hasn’t seen them since the war started,’ my mother explained, ‘so we have employed a Latvian refugee called Irina until she returns.’ She then told me that my father had put Irina and her two young children in one of the farm cottages, so that she had a life of her own, as she had been through hell before coming to Britain, ‘I’ll let her tell you herself how she escaped from Latvia and managed to get here to safety. It’s quite a story.’

  After getting Charlotte’s next feed ready, my mother suggested we write a list of anything that I still needed to buy for her when we next went to East Grinstead, and while we did that my father held his granddaughter in his arms and told her all about the moo cows and piggy wiggies he had on his farm. It was obvious to see that he had completely fallen in love with Charlotte already.

  When my father handed her back to me, he said that he was just popping down to the farm to have a chat with Fritz, the German P.O.W, who was looking after the cows, and Paulo, the Italian P.O.W, who was helping him manage the home farm. I was a bit taken aback, as my parents had never mentioned that they had prisoners of war working for them, and I wondered how long it would be before they were repatriated now that the war in Europe was over.

  After breakfast, while I was sterilising Charlotte’s feeding bottles, I finally met Irina, our Latvian refugee. She told me how she had managed to escape with her children from the advancing Russian army and eventually found their way to Britain. I couldn’t begin to imagine what the poor woman had been through, no wonder she looked so stressed.

  When I gave my daughter her first bath at Hilltop House, instead of enjoying it, Charlotte screamed blue murder.

  ‘May I help?’ Irina offered. When I nodded, she immediately took one of the muslin nappies that I had got ready to put on her once her bath was over, and laid it over her chest and then just tucked it around her upper arms. The yelling stopped at once.

  ‘I think she not like being without clothes on! Tomorrow, you keep on her vest until she feel safe, yes?’ Irina said, so for the next few days, I did as she suggested and was amazed that this trick seemed to work so well.

  A few days later, Irina told me about her life in Latvia before the war. ‘We lived in comfort, head held high, owing no debts and with our farm paying for itself. Then we heard that the Russian soldiers were raping all the women and young girls and sending young boys to be slave labourers in Russia, so my husband, Stephan, said go take the two young ones and stay away until the war is over and our country free. We walked from one village to the next until Allied troops saw us and gave us lift, and they… how you say?… asked no favours.’ Irina then turned around to make sure my mother wasn’t listening and whispered to me, ‘but if I had to I would have done ‘anything’ to save my children from harm.’ I wondered if I would do ‘anything’ to save Charlotte from harm and knew the answer straight away, feeling sure that every other mother would do whatever it took to protect her young too.

  When I asked Irina how often she had received letters from her husband, who had remained behind with their eldest son to help care for the animals on their farm, her eyes filled with tears, as she told me she still hadn’t heard from them. I felt very sad for her and putting my arms around her in a gentle embrace, I told her that she must try to be brave. It was an easy thing to say but not so easy to do. I knew only too well because I was still crying every night worrying whether Duncan was still alive.

  The next day, I received an air letter from Duncan. My hands were shaking so much that I couldn’t open the envelope to start with. When I finally read the letter I was overjoyed to hear that he was fit and well but had been worked off his feet, which is why he hadn’t been able to write before.

  ‘I am now in Trincomalee, which is the main launching point for British naval operations, and where I send our pilots to join their carriers from. It is a dreadful blood bath for both sides, but don’t worry, we are relatively safe here.’ He added a P.S at the bottom of the letter ‘Please send me a photograph of you with Charlotte.’

  When William came home for the holidays, I asked him to take a photograph of us and then sent it to Duncan in my next letter. My brother was thrilled to bits with the farm and spent hours working out ways to organise a better or more economical system to run it with my father. He even found out how to make clotted cream from the rich milk from the cows, teaching Irina how to leave the milk in a bowl overnight on the top of the Aga stove to warm and then skim the cream off the top to use on the straw
berries and raspberries. It was lovely having William home but I wished that Peter could be here too.

  One morning I woke up with a start, as I had one of my ‘funny feelings’ again, but this time I felt that Duncan was in distress. Obviously there was no way I could be certain but having had these strange feelings in the past, I began to fuss about all the possible things that could be wrong. When I received a letter from Duncan, two weeks later, I knew that my fears had been justified.

  As I read his letter, I started crying. My mother came to see why I was sobbing, so I let her read the letter.

  ‘While we were on a reconnaissance flight, my engine suddenly failed, so I had to try to bail out but when I grabbed the release-knob the damn hood wouldn’t budge. Luckily I remembered my training and after I had reduced the speed of the plane I was able to open the hood, release my safety harness, disconnect the oxygen tube and then bail out or to be more accurate I was then thrown out of the cockpit. However, while I had been doing all this, the plane suddenly dived. As I was falling out of the plane, the tail plane must have hit the back of my left leg and my heel and also across my shoulders causing rather deep cuts, which were damn painful I can tell you. I was very grateful to see my chute open above me and when I looked down all I could see was the surface of the sea rushing up towards me. I had barely inflated my Mae West when there was a big splash and I rather unceremoniously hit the water. I went under for a moment but fortunately, as my life vest was now fully inflated, I was able to get my head above water again pretty quickly. The parachute strings had become entangled around my legs so I took off my boots and managed to get myself loose. I then inflated my rubber dinghy and once I struggled into it I suddenly remembered the dye, that we had been instructed to use, so that we could be spotted from the air, but when I tried to open the bottle it burst and instead of going into the sea it got into my wounds, which hurt like hell. However, in the end I got most of the dye into the sea and thankfully it did its job and I was eventually rescued. While I was in the ocean I must have passed out for quite a while, before I was pulled on board the ship that rescued me, because one of the crew told me that I was now an official member of The Goldfish club! Apparently if you come down in the sea and are in ‘the drink’ for over 24 hours this is the honour they bestow you. I would have preferred the drink! Try not to worry too much, my darling, as I’m now in hospital and in the good hands of a fine doctor called Bunton who will soon get me back on my feet again. I have to get fit quickly, as there is something big about to happen over here and I want to be in the thick of it!’