“Oh shit, really?” Janie laughed.
“Yup. Caught me red-handed as I’d forgotten to lock the church door.”
“So what did he do?” That was Gill.
“Found out where the machinery is, of course. Just can’t help himself. Once he got over the weirdness of it all he wanted to know how it worked. He’s been researching all kinds of cutting-edge technologies ever since.”
Gill and Janie laughed.
“We ordered a mixed starter platter. Is that okay for you?” Janie said as the barman came over with an enormous plate piled high with all kinds of meat.
I sipped at my cocktail, surprised to find it almost gone already. I smiled at them. “Just what the doctor ordered,” I said.
The evening went far too fast. We’d ended up at Corks Out a wine bar where you could get samples of different wines. You got a card which you topped up with money, then helped yourself to wine using the card to pay. Self-service – a quick road to complete drunkenness as I discovered. I got home earlier than I’d originally intended, threw up most of my wine and then crawled into bed. Jimmy was milling about, looking nervous. Probably because I was one day post chemo and really shouldn’t have been leaving the house, let alone getting falling-down drunk. I smiled at the memory of Janie and Gill pushing me into the taxi and sending me home. I think I’d been making a fool of myself and dancing around singing loudly and badly. Then I passed out.
I woke up feeling less hung over than by rights I should have. Maybe my body was so out of practice that it had forgotten how. There were texts on my phone.
One from Janie: Hope you’re not feeling too awful today. Had a great time last night. We should do it again sometime. x
And one from Cass: Mum, need to talk to you. Can I come over today?
I replied to Janie’s: Not feeling as bad as I should, lol. Thanks for the brilliant evening. Just what I needed. Lovely meeting Gill as well. She’s as lovely as you. x
Then Cass: What’s up love, something wrong? x
I’ll tell you when I get there. I’ll come at two and bring cakes.
I glanced at the clock, it was nearly 11. If I was going to get my session in with the machine I was going to have to hurry. With a spring in my step, I went to the bathroom for a shower. Jimmy was nowhere to be found, but no matter. He was probably down the end of the garden doing his Saturday morning yoga exercises. There was a need growing in me, like an addiction. I needed to go to the machine, I had to be there. Didn’t matter what got rearranged or missed out on, I would go there as soon as I’d washed and dressed.
Whistling a merry tune, I dug into the box of tampons for the key to the church. It wasn’t there. Cold panic came over me. I dumped the box out on the floor in the bathroom. No key. I rifled through the drawer. No key. I ripped the drawer out and dumped that on the floor. No key. Shit, where was Jimmy? I climbed on the toilet seat and opened the bathroom window and peered down at the driveway. Jimmy’s car was gone. Shit. Screw being clean. I ran back to my bedroom and dressed. What the hell did he think he was up to?
Staying just long enough to give my teeth a rough brush and drink a cup of orange juice, wincing at the combination of tart with the minty toothpaste, my tummy was giving me the first signs of upset from the night before. Or maybe it was sickness thinking what the hell was he doing, sneaking off to the church? Shit, shit, shit. I grabbed my keys and left, almost taking out the garden wall as I sped away.
I pulled into the tiny church car park, blocking Jimmy’s car in. Leaping out I bolted for the church, hoping he hadn’t locked the door, unsure of how I’d get in if he had. The door handle turned smoothly and I threw it open, the door bouncing off the wall. Jimmy was there, crouched down behind the pod. He jumped at the loud bang and I heard the tinkle of tools dropping.
“You’re here…” he sounded nervous.
“Of course I’m bloody here. I’m supposed to have a session today, as you know. So, are you going to tell me what the hell is going on, Jimmy?” I slammed the door shut and marched up to him.
“Nothing, I thought I’d have a look at the machinery, try and work it out.” He stuttered his words. He was hiding something.
“Oh my God.” I stopped. Jimmy had opened the panel of the pod. Tools were strewn all around him. There was an extension cord that led away behind some pews with a soldering iron and drill plugged in. He was sat on the parquet flooring, staring at the machinery and avoiding my glare. The first thing I noticed was the missing pipe. “You’ve broken it.” The words came out as a whisper. My cure, my fix, my remission, he’d stolen them from me.
Tears came suddenly. I backed up, tripping over his tool bag and landing heavily on my backside. “You broke it!” I said again, unable to comprehend. I was almost fixed, almost cured. How could he? I wiped at the tears, a long moan coming from deep inside. “How could you do this to me?”
“It wasn’t my fault, I wanted to have a go in the machine. I climbed in and before it could do anything there was a hissing noise from inside. I managed to get the back open and I was going to fix it.”
“You broke it,” I repeated.
“No, I didn’t.” He put a hand up to stop me shouting back. “It broke all by itself. I was trying to fix it. But as soon as I saw the insides I knew I had to try and figure out how it worked. If I could make more of them I could cure the world. We’d be billionaires, the world at our feet…”
“So you opened it up and the pipes came jumping out at you?” I levelled my gaze at him.
“No… I was getting a better look.” He picked up the broken pipe. “And that’s when this happened.”
My hand came to rest on a book, I grabbed it and threw it at him. “I don’t care about how it works or the rest of the fucking world. You’ve killed me, that’s what you’ve done!” Great sobs took me over. I pulled my legs up and buried my head in my thighs. A hand tentatively touched my shoulder, and I shook him off. “Get away from me!” I screamed.
“I’ll fix it, I promise.”
“Empty fucking words, Jimmy. Couldn’t you have waited until I was done? One more session, you hear me? One more bloody session and I’d have been fixed.” I raised my head and wiped at the tears. “I wanted to live, don’t you get it? How can you even begin to understand the machine? The technology you need to fix it probably doesn’t even exist yet.”
Jimmy pulled out his phone. “That’s where you’re wrong. The pod is based on nanotechnology. There’s research being done on this in a lab in-”
“I don’t care!” I knocked the phone from his hand. “All I wanted was to be cured. Be the miracle. And you’ve bollocksed it all up.”
Jimmy gave me a wounded look and reached for his phone. “I wanted to give you a good life-”
“You just don’t get it, do you, Jimmy. The machine was going to give me a good life. All I ever wanted was to live a bit longer with no pain and no more soul-destroying treatments.” Anger had dried up my tears. Ignoring Jimmy, I got up and went to the machine and touched the side to open the lid. I kicked off my shoes and climbed in. The mattress was still doing its thing, but I didn’t think that was mechanically driven. It was simply a new type of memory foam. Just in case he’d not broken anything critical, I hoped beyond hope and reached up to the panel above me.
Nothing happened. I tried again, placing my hand flat against the smooth metal. The lid didn’t budge.
I rested my hands across my tummy and lay there quietly. The machine had bought me some time, that’s what I needed to dwell on, not Jimmy’s stupidity. I understood now why he hadn’t argued so much about me going out for drinks. Why I didn’t remember having issues with him when I stumbled in the door just after midnight and immediately made an offering to the porcelain gods. He’d found the key and already had plans for while I was out.
Jesus, stupid man. I massaged my liver, feeling the shape of it where my ribs ended. Just a couple of weeks ago I could make out the shape of the larger tumors under my skin. Now all I felt w
as smoothness. Maybe the doctors could do more for me now, give me treatments that weren’t previously open to me. I kept my eyes closed, squeezing them until I saw a shower of silver lights behind my eyelids.
Janie was going to have to be told that my stupid other half broke this gift, this wonderful machine. She’d forever be the last person to have the miracle given to them. Tears welled up in my eyes again and I felt them trickle down the sides of my face. Stupid, stupid man.
“Kath, I’m sorry.”
Jimmy was nearby. Probably watching me as I lay cocooned in the mattress. No chance he was getting the satisfaction of a response, of forgiveness. Not now, not any time soon.
“Kath, I really thought I knew what I was doing.”
I squeezed my eyes even tighter. Shame ears couldn’t shut as well.
“I researched and had schematics for primitive versions of this one. I really thought I was prepared. I had no idea it would break so easily.”
I took a deep breath and keeping my eyes closed replied, “Can you fix it?”
There was silence for a moment. Then Jimmy said, “Some sort of gas came out. I don’t know what it was. All I know is it was really bloody cold. I blocked up the hole before it could all escape. I was going to come back with a small bottle and try and capture some. There’s a lab in Liverpool I can send it for testing. Once I know what it is I can recharge the system and fix the break.”
“Jesus.” My hands moved from my stomach to my forehead. I rubbed at the headache that was growing there. “So the real answer is, no you can’t fix it.”
“Kath, that’s not fair. I’ll fix the machine. I just need to know what I’m dealing with.”
“Whatever.” I had no more patience for him. “I’ve got to go. Cass is due at ours later. I need to calm down before she gets there and you’re not helping.”
I wished for a dose of that calm-down magic the machine gave me to reduce my heart rate. Finally, I opened my eyes and glared at the shiny metal panel in the lid above me. I willed the machine to work, to fix my tumors, to make me healthy again. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jimmy sitting on the pew that had been pulled up close to the pod. He was staring at the floor and holding his head in his hands.
I climbed out of the pod and slipped my shoes back on. “Where’s the key?” I asked as I picked up my handbag.
Jimmy pulled it out of his jeans pocket and handed it to me without a word, not even daring to look at me.
The key was warm in my hand, solid, somehow making everything more real. I fought tears back, blinking hard to clear my sight. “You’ll need it to lock up. Give me the key when you get home.” I handed it back and turned on my heel.
“Fix it,” I ordered as I walked out the door.
15
Cass has News
The hangover was catching up on me. I needed my session in the machine. How long before that git of a man managed to fix the damage he’d done – would he ever be able to? I lay on the sofa, one arm across my face. This was not how things were supposed to happen. A big part of me wanted Jimmy to stay away and never come home. What a bloody idiot.
The doorbell went. What now?
Cass didn’t wait for me to get to the door, she let herself in. “Mum, hello Mum? I’m here!”
I’d forgotten she was coming. “I’m in the living room, Cass,” I called out. My tummy was a mess and now I wasn’t sure if that was the chemo catching up with me or punishment for drinking too much or Jimmy’s antics making me feel ill. What I needed was my anti-sickness pills, and probably sooner rather than later.
“Oh Mum, you look awful.” Cass put down a carrier bag and came over to the sofa to give me a hug.
As soon as her hands touched me, the tears came. I grabbed onto her tightly as the tears grew to sobs.
“Mum, what’s wrong?” Cass held me tighter as I cried for the loss of my miracle. I cried for the loss of my life and for the cruel snatching away of a future I’d long ago given up on. Over the last few days I’d allowed myself just the beginning of a dream that I might grow old with Jimmy. But I couldn’t tell her that. I let the tears flow.
“Mum, tell me what’s wrong.” Cass pulled away and found a tissue for me.
I wiped my face and blew my nose. “Don’t worry about me. I’m just feeling bad because I had chemo a couple of days ago.” Chemo, the universal excuse for anything at any time.
“How’d that go? Last one for a while, right? You must be relieved.” She rubbed my arm, her eyes glassy as she also fought with her emotions
Tears welled up again, and I dabbed my eyes with the tissue. “I guess so,” I said.
“You need a good cup of tea. Stay there.” Cass left me on the sofa to wallow in my misery. I heard her fill the kettle and wondered what I’d done to end up with such a wonderful daughter.
“Here.” She was back with two mugs of steaming tea along with some plates. “I promised cake, and I never you let you down, do I?” Cass put the teas down and rummaged around in the carrier bag pulling out a small carrot cake. “I even got the organic one.” She cut a couple of slices and handed me one. “It’s good, isn’t it? There’s a bakery near me that’s started to stock all kinds of organic things. I can get you bread, buns and cakes. Just let me know if you want anything and I’ll bring it.” She sat down on the sofa next to me.
I took a mouthful of the cake, my stomach doing a little roll. Somehow I gave her a smile and muttered, “Yum.”
“Where’s Dad?” Cass was halfway through her cake already. I’d managed two tiny bites.
“He’s out looking for parts for something.”
“What’s he up to now? Has he got some new project up his sleeve?”
Despite her cheery demeanor, I almost burst into tears again.
“He’s always got something new to fidget with, hasn’t he?”
Cass nodded and put her empty plate on a side table. “Look Mum, I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’ve got some news.”
Suddenly she looked nervous, fiddling with her fingers and avoiding eye contact. I took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure how much more ‘news’ and other people’s problems I could take.
“What’s wrong?”
She blurted out, “Mum, I’m pregnant.”
I almost dropped my plate. “You’re what?”
“Pregnant, Mum.” She glanced at me and then looked away quickly. I could see desperation in her eyes, a desperate need to be accepted.
“How… how far along?” I stuttered my words. I think I might have been going into shock.
“About ten weeks. We’re not sure. We’re waiting for the scan to confirm. It wasn’t exactly planned, so we’re not certain when I conceived.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to process the information. “Oh, Cass. You’re so young.”
“I’m the same age you were when you had me,” she said, her tone defensive. “And don’t go telling me it was different back then. If it was different, it was only in bad ways.”
I put a hand on her knee and then leaned over to give her a hug. “Oh sweetie. Congratulations.”
That was what she’d needed. It was her turn to cry, and for just a moment I realized what a couple of headcases we were as she sobbed on my shoulder. A smile came to my lips and suddenly I was giggling. This was a good thing, a new life, positive news for once.
“I’m going to be a granny!”
Cass pulled away and this time I handed her a tissue.
“You’re going to be a mummy.” I smiled at her and kissed her on the cheek. “You’ll be wonderful.”
“Thank you, Mum.” The relief in her voice was almost palpable. “I love you, Mum.”
“Love you too, sweetie.” I waited as she sipped her tea and tried to compose herself. “What does Jack make of all this?”
Her eyes suddenly sparkled. “He’s made up, Mum. He can’t wait for the baby to be born. All he does is talk about plans for the future.”
I nodded, her happiness infe
ctious. A car pulled up outside, and I heard the front door open quietly. That was Jimmy, slinking in.
“Dad,” Cass called out. “Dad, come in here.” She glanced at me and flashed me a teary smile. “I’ve got some news for you.”
“So, are you never going to talk to me again?” Jimmy was stretched out on the sofa eating popcorn.
I was pretending to watch the television, thinking over and over how I could have stopped Jimmy from being so stupid. I should have hidden the key better, or taken it with me, or left it with Sal for safekeeping. I knew there was no point in going over it again and again, but it was like my mind was a record that kept repeating the same damn chorus.
For now I didn’t want to reply to Jimmy, but not saying anything would just prove his point, so I said, “Of course I’ll talk to you.”
Cass had gone a few hours earlier, happy to have approval for her pregnancy from us both. I thought about her as Jimmy crunched on his popcorn. It was going to be tough raising a baby, her and Jack were so young. But then isn’t it always hard to raise a baby? Didn’t really matter how old you were.
“If you’re talking to me then answer me this. How long are you going to be cross with me?” He munched and crunched and then said, “I’m sorry, okay. I didn’t mean to break it.”
Jimmy didn’t sound sorry and I knew I didn’t sound forgiving so I kept my mouth shut. My insides were in a bit of a swirl. Chemo nausea seemed to be catching up to me without the healing power of the pod. How long before the tumors regrew? I guess, worst come to worst, the machine had given me time, something I’d have considered a precious gift a few weeks ago.
Suddenly I had an idea. I flipped open my phone and composed a text to Janie.
Any chance you could send me the details of the man who gave you the key to the church?
That Elusive Cure Page 7