by Eric Vall
My hand tightened into a fist as realization slowly started to creep into my mind.
“And then what?” I growled. “Did he try to hurt you?”
“Hurt me?” The stoned imp’s eyes bulged as he tried to wrap his head around the question. “Jakey, Mr. Ed and I might not see eye to eye all the time, mostly because I’m too short to see his eyes, but we’re not like, arch enemies or anything.”
“So, nothing unusual happened while you were with Gamigin?” Libidine continued. “Nothing that made you suspicious?”
“Not really.” Todd shrugged. “In fact, right after he said that, he put some special steak sauce onto my food! He must not have wanted me to tell Firecracker that her chefs were shit, though, because he did it when I wasn’t looking. But I totally saw the whoooolee thing.”
Libidine and I looked at each other knowingly.
“Did the stuff he put on your steak make it taste like bitter almonds?” I questioned cautiously.
Todd rapped his chin for a moment as his bloodshot eyes stared off into space, and then his mouth fell open with realization.
“Saaaaaayyyy,” he drawled, “it kinda did. I thought it was weird to make my meat taste like a nut. And yes, I totally meant to do that.”
“Cyanide,” I grumbled. “He tried to poison you, Todd.”
“Ohmygosh!” Libidine gasped. “Do I need to go get Superbia? She can heal you up right away!”
“I’m good,” the imp said with a wave of his hand. “I was woozy for a few minutes, but then I felt fine.”
“How are you even alive?” the succubus asked with concern in her voice.
“Lib,” Todd giggled, “do you have any idea the kinda shit I put in my body when I was a human?”
“It’s true,” I admitted. “He accidentally got shot with a horse tranquilizer at a party one time, and he didn’t even realize it until we got home and saw the dart sticking out of his ass.”
“Why were there horse tranquilizers at a party?” Libidine questioned.
“Lib … ” Todd sighed, “Liiiiiibbbbbb. You poor, sweet, innocent soul. You’d never make it where we went to college. It was party central, twenty-four seven.”
“What happened next?” I tried to bring the imp back on track.
“It was weird, Jakey,” my friend said in a moment of clarity. “It was like he didn’t have anything to say after he gave me the special sauce. Like, he just sat there with his hands crossed over his chest, smiling at me with his big-ass horse teeth. Then, after a few minutes, he started to look pissed off. Then he said we were ‘in too public of a place’ and that we needed to be alone.”
“Where did he take you?” I questioned.
“Out to the fucking boonies, bro,” Todd explained. “Somewhere all the way on the outskirts of the city, out by the river. Gag-a-man said it was the perfect place for a stroll, but he was fucking wrong, bro. I snagged my foot on a goddamn vine sticking out of the riverbank, one that was all sparkly glowy with green fire, and almost drowned.”
“Aren’t Gamigin’s powers elemental?” Libidine hinted at the imp, but he didn’t seem to get what she was saying.
“I dunno,” Todd shrugged, “I don’t think I ever saw him use his powers before. Anywho, I get dragged into the river, and all these fucking coldass dead souls tried to pull me under! Thank fuck I used my instastoner magic to shake-n-bake ‘em, and then they let me go. Then, when I got back to the surface, I saw Gag-a-man was preparing to fight off the fuckers with a giant rock! He had it over his head, ready to smash, and everything. Mr. Ed’s been a good horse, bro. You should totally put some extra oats in his feedbag next time.”
“Then what?” I asked as I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“He dropped it and looked all embarrassed-like, and then he suggested that we move away from the River of Souls,” the imp mused, “but then he got all jittery and started talking real fast, almost like he was nervous.”
Libidine and I exchanged another look and then nodded for the imp to proceed.
“Did he bring you back here?” I questioned. “Where is Gamigin now?”
“I wish I knew, Jakey,” Todd admitted. “After we walked away from the River of Souls, we came back into the city and took a little stroll on the Demon’s Walk bridge. But then, get this, Gag-a-man scribbled some shit down on a piece of paper and then tucked it into my pocket while he mumbled something about ‘sending a message.’ I tell ya, bro, Mr. Ed must still be getting used to using his hooves, because he stumbled and accidentally kicked me off the fucking bridge! Thankfully, I had my black voodoo magic and caught myself before I hit the rocky bottom below. When I got back up, the dude was gone. Like, he must have felt reeeeaallly embarrassed for what he did and decided to split before I could lay the smackdown on him.”
“Todd … ” I said calmly as I tried to prepare him for what was coming next, “Gamigin was trying to kill you.”
“Whaaaaaaa?” the imp scoffed. “No way, bro. He just gave me some bad sauce and then took me on a nice walk by the secluded river and accidentally pushed me off a waaaaaaiiiiiiitttttt …”
Tris, Libby, and I held our breaths and stared at Todd for probably half a minute, and I could have sworn I saw the stoned gears churning in his head.
“That bucked-tooth son of a bitch tried to kill me, bro!”
The two succubi and I finally exhaled, but the imp’s beady eyes became wide as saucers as he realized what had happened, and then he began to run his hands through his mess of wiry blond hair. The joint fell from his mouth as he walked over to a nearby window, leaned up against its frame with one arm, and let out a deep sigh.
“You alright, dude?” Tris asked. “It sounds like you’re going through some stuff. Just know that I’m totally comforting you in my head right now.”
“I almost fucking died, bro … ” the imp muttered under his breath. “The Toddster was almost taken out. I almost bit the big kahuna. Did the dance of darkness. Placed my cheeks six feet under.”
“It’s alright,” I reassured the imp, “you were way too strong for--”
“Almost went up to the big weed farm in the sky,” the shaken imp continued. “Choked on the big chode. Kicked the toddler.”
“I’ve never heard any of these expressions,” Libidine whispered into my ear.
“The important thing is that you’re still here,” I comforted the tiny imp. “There’s a reason Gamigin was our Moneyball target, remember? He’s not exactly the most efficient cog in the machine.”
“I guess,” Todd sighed and then took a long drag off his joint. “I guess it’s time for the Toddster to turn over a new leaf. Life’s short, Jakey. I could be doing so much more than smoking five doobies a day, beating off for hours, and making a fucking podcast with hardly any viewers.”
“That’s good to hear, bro,” I nodded, “I think you’ll be way more--”
“I need to be making two podcasts!” the little red imp interjected. “And I could be slappin’ the salami almost ten times as much as I do now. Fuck, maybe I should invest in one of those automatic suctions machines that does it for you. Then again, at that point is it really beating off? It’d feel like being with a stranger … ”
“What did the note Gamigin put in your pocket say, bro?” I asked, but Todd seemed to pay no attention to my words.
“I wonder if I could split the difference and just buy an expensive sex toy,” he pondered aloud. “Then at least it will still be manpowered, but I could maximize the efficiencies of my--”
“Todd, the note!” Libidine snapped as she tried to bring him back to the present.
The imp went silent, and then he turned his head to the side.
“Oh, right,” he mused as he fumbled around in his “pockets.”
Todd’s tongue poked out from his lips as he continued to search for the paper, and then he pulled out a perfectly-rolled joint with an “aha!” It was nearly triple the size of a regular blunt, probably with enough weed inside to put down an elephant.
“I think you’ve had enough for now, bro,” I implored the imp.
“No, no, Jakey,” Todd explained as he began to unroll the blunt, “this is the paper Gag-a-man gave me.”
I watched as Todd carefully unrolled the joint, dumped its ground-up green content into his hand, and then shoved it back into his pocket. Then he extended his stubby arm out to offer me the note.
The thing smelled strongly of the sweet leaf as I took it in my hands and squinted to read the message that had been scrawled on it. Gamigin’s handwriting was god awful, filled with hastily-drawn loops that could have been an “l” or a “b” or an “e” for all I knew. Finally, after about a minute of studying the chicken scratch, I got the general gist of the message.
To King Ralston,
I hope the death of your imp opens your eyes to just how naive you truly are. I went against my gut when I chose to ally myself with you, but I tried to make it work. I didn’t bat an eye when you ignored my strategic advice. I didn’t complain when I saw the obvious favoritism with Mephisto. I remained silent when you brought an angel down into this unholy domain. However, the last straw came when you anointed these … mongrels as your new Demon Lords. To think a succubus or a once-human imp could be my equal is utterly laughable. So, I say “fine.” Have your succubus Demon Lords and your imp lords and your high-ranking Shades. But I will no longer have any part of it. It is an abomination to the natural order of the universe, and I shall henceforth offer my services to Gressil, the King of the Sixth Circle. I know we will see each other on the battlefield eventually, and when that happens, may the best man win.
-Gamigin
P.S.- Even now, as the ambush is taking place, I’m sure you will find your usual way to slither out of death’s grasp. I just hope the Tartaruchi took out some of your slut succubi in the process.
I couldn’t believe it. Actually, yes, I could. Demons were known for being cocky, vain, and backstabbing, but I had given Gamigin power, a place in my council, and promoted him from a fucking scholar to a goddamn Demon Lord.
The ungrateful bastard.
“Gamigin’s working for Gressil now,” I announced to the room. “How the fuck did this happen? Surely, I treated him better than any of the other Demon Kings he could possibly serve. I gave him an entire fucking castle to himself and access to all of my resources and allies.”
“Demon Lords are power hungry and vain, remember?” Libidine reminded me after she read the note. “He thinks you’re ‘soiling the title’ by making us his equal. We knew the whole ‘turning succubi into Demon Lords’ thing was going to ruffle some feathers.”
“I just didn’t expect it to be the feathers of our allies,” I sighed and rubbed my head in frustration.
“I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” Tris called out from the couch. “Gamigin was kinda a dick.”
“Seriously, bro,” Todd added. “This dude sounds like he’s so far up his own ass that he can kiss his own vulva.”
“Uhhhh, I think you mean uvula,” I corrected, but the imp just shook his head.
“I know what I said, bro,” he reasserted.
“We need to go tell the others,” I said decisively. “And then we need to take a little visit to Earth. There’s one person who will know exactly what we’re going through, and exactly how to deal with it.”
Todd’s mouth twisted into a devilish smile.
“Are we thinking about the same person, bro?” he asked. “Are we really gonna go see Raphey boy?”
“We sure are, Todd,” I confirmed. “Next stop, the Velvet Lips.”
Chapter 8
“Earth is such a strange place,” Eligor noted as we pulled up to the Velvet Lips strip club. “You actually go to these places and then pay women to get naked, but you can’t actually have sex with them?”
“Yup,” Todd sighed disappointedly from the passenger seat of Shadow, our black Jeep. “It’s blue-ball city in there, Goldilocks. I bet it’d take the Hoover Dam to stop the collective semen of all the dudes who walk outta there without gettin’ their rocks off.”
“It’s a form of entertainment,” I explained to the Knight of Hell as I ignored the imp. “It’s no different than watching a football game or a nature documentary on TV. Just a little more erotic, that’s all.”
“Bro, if you’re beating off to lions, you might have some repression going on that we need to discuss,” Todd interjected. “There are some websites I could point you to … ”
I wasn’t going to take the imp up on that offer.
“It’s a lovely place,” Cupiditas spoke up from the back seat. “Especially since Superbia here took over and remodeled the entire thing. Lots of good drinks, sexy women, and profit margins that would make your head spin.”
“You’re too kind, Cupiditas,” Sia said with a slight giggle. “I did my best with what was available to me. It helped that we had Robert Quinn’s money and all your leftover winnings from Vegas to do the renovations. If not for that, this club would still be the trashy place it was when we first encountered it.”
“What are you talking about, Strawberry Shortcake?” Todd questioned. “This place was the shit when we first came here! Dollar shots of vodka … music with a bassline so thick it would make Pamela Anderson jealous … a dance floor that was sticky with every sort of liquid known to man … it was awesome. At least you decided to keep all the hot babes.”
“Of course, I did,” Sia mused as I rolled the Jeep into a parking spot. “Megan Miracle certainly lived up to her name. Without her as my head girl, I don’t know how I would have kept this place going.”
“I hear Raphael’s been spending a bunch of time with Megan,” I laughed and slid out of the vehicle. “Metatron thinks she’s one of our generals and that he’s using this place as his main ‘base of operations.’”
My friends and I all shared a hearty laugh at the thought, and then we headed for the door of the club. We were greeted by the bright, neon red sign that hung above the door, a pair of voluptuous lady lips with the establishment’s name right next to it. As we passed through the entrance, the sound of Warrant’s Cherry Pie blared in the air, and our eyes were hit with a mixture of bright, multicolored lights.
“I didn’t realize you kept this song,” I joked to Superbia as we walked past the line of men waiting to get into the main area.
“It’s one of the classics,” Sia shot back. “Cherry Pie … Pour Some Sugar on Me … I’m a Slave 4 U … Hot in Here … You can’t really operate a proper gentlemen’s club without any of those.”
“True that, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd added. “But have you considered my suggestion to add some Norwegian death metal into the lineup? I think it’d really add some flavor to this place that could make it stand out from the crowd.”
“You’ll have to take that up with Raphael,” Superbia dodged the question. “He’s in charge for right now.”
“Is that … Jacob?” I heard a woman gasp from afar.
I turned around to see a slender, topless blonde woman charging at me at full speed. Her perky breasts bounced in unison as she pranced over to us and then threw her arms around me tightly.
“Good to see you too, Megan,” I chuckled as I took in the sweet vanilla smell of the stripper’s hair.
The topless blonde pulled away, turned to Sia, and then embraced her just as tightly.
“Long time no see, Sia,” she giggled.
“It has been far too long,” the succubus madame mused. “How has the Velvet Lips been doing since I’ve been gone? Are all of you girls doing well? Any incidents with the customers?”
“Not really,” Megan admitted as she stepped back. “This new guy you put in charge actually runs a really tight ship. The girls love him, too. Especially since he gives them the freedom to go off and earn money with their side hustle.”
“Side hustle?” Sia asked with a raised eyebrow. “I hope it’s not that thing Crystal kept asking me about. That would be highly illegal.”
&nbs
p; “I’ll, uh, let you talk to the bossman,” the blonde said awkwardly and then turned to the other members of our group. “Nice to see you again, Cupi. And … I don’t think we’ve met before? I dig the metal bikini.”
“Eligor,” the knight said as she reached out and shook Megan’s hand. “I dig your confidence. Not many Earth women are brave enough to walk around with their breasts on display like that.”
“Uh, thanks?” Megan questioned, completely confused.
“She’s not from around here,” Todd quickly explained. “Let’s just leave it at that.”
“Todd!” the woman giggled. “I didn’t even see you down there.”
Megan reached down, scooped the tiny imp up in her arms, and held him close to her chest.
Todd let out a sigh of happiness as he was rocked back and forth by the topless woman, and his grin couldn’t be any wider. When she finally put him back on the ground, the imp crossed his legs in a hurry.
“Fucking hell,” he mumbled underneath his breath, “I thought I had this under control. Yu-gi-oh cards … grandmas in bikinis … the word ‘dollop’ … ”
Thank goodness Megan and the rest of the girls were in on all of this, or else we’d have a lot of explaining to do.
“Where is Raphael, anyway?” I questioned. “We needed to talk to him as soon as possible.”
“He’s actually back in Sia’s office,” Megan explained in a bubbly voice. “Follow me!”
The blonde woman spun around and began to strut toward the back of the club, and my eyes couldn’t help but wander down to her jiggling ass as she moved.
We followed Megan through the pulsating music of the nightclub and through the inconspicuous door marked “private rooms.” She led us past the small, two-person rooms covered from top to bottom with red velvet, and I could hear the soft beat of music coming from behind a few of them.
The girls were making their money today, apparently.
Finally, we came to a silver door labeled “manager,” and Megan rapped on it three times.