by Eric Vall
“Come in,” I heard the deep, rough voice of Raphael call from the other side.
The stripper opened the door, and we followed her into the large office.
When I saw what was inside, my jaw nearly hit the floor.
The Archangel Raphael was sitting behind the desk, counting stacks of bills nonchalantly with his feet up on the countertop. His black hair, which normally was put up in a man-bun, was now wild as it draped down over his shoulders like a veil. On his head sat a large, purple hat with a white leopard print band and a comically oversized yellow feather tucked underneath. Gone were his normal toga-like robes, replaced now by a white, leopard print coat that matched the band on his hat. The Archangel was also wearing purple-tinted, gold framed sunglasses on the bridge of his nose, and his boots had obvious platforms on them.
“Jakey … ” Todd gasped when he saw the Archangel, “did Gag-a-man kill me? Because nothing in life will ever make me as happy as what I’m seeing right now.”
“I was wondering when you would come to visit.” Raphael’s eyes lit up behind his golden rims when he saw us. “I’ve missed you all. Life’s not as fun when you’re not around, my friends.”
“I’m sorry, but before we get started, I gotta ask,” I jumped ahead in the conversation, “what’s with the outfit? What happened to your robes and SWAT uniform?”
“What do you mean?” Raphael questioned. “Isn’t this standard attire for a gentlemen’s club?”
Todd stifled a giggle, but ultimately kept it together.
“Sure it is,” Megan announced as she walked over and stood by Raphael’s side. “Me and the girls were so appreciative of Raph that we all pitched in and bought him this outfit. It’s a lot more colorful than those drab old bedsheets he used to wear.”
“But it’s still in white!” Raphael announced proudly. “It’s like I’m getting the best of both worlds here. It’s quite delightful.”
“And what exactly are the girls ‘appreciative’ of?” Superbia asked as her eyes narrowed.
Raphael pulled his high tops off the desk, stood up, and hobbled over to the safe in the back of the room.
“Since I’ve taken over, I’ve been able to make the Velvet Lips even more lucrative than it already was,” he explained as he punched in the code. “Believe it or not, our profits for this last quarter are nearly double what they were at this point last year.”
“That’s very impressive,” the redheaded madame agreed. “What do you think is causing this increase?”
“It’s simple,” the Archangel mused as he placed the stacks of bills in the safe, closed it, and then walked back over to his desk. “I gave these women a pep talk. When I first got here, I gathered them all in this office right here and told them things were going to be different. I let them know I wasn’t going to limit their skills to just the dance floor and that I welcomed any sort of innovation they could come up with to make the Velvet Lips the number one spot for gentlemen’s entertainment in the entire southwest! In short, I told them they could get creative with their jobs. After all, I want them to be productive, and you can’t be productive when you’re confined to the tiny box that is the industry norms.”
“In short, Raph said we could freelance!” Megan added happily.
“Freelance how … ?” I asked, though the look on Sia’s face was telling me everything I needed to know.
“By letting the real velvet lips get some action,” Todd whispered loudly, and then he stifled another laugh.
“However they need!” The dark-haired man smiled and clapped his hands together. “I’ve found a more ‘hands off’ management approach seems to work best around here. I let the girls go off and do what they need to do, and then thirty percent of whatever they earn goes back to the club.”
“You’re giving it to the club?” Megan gasped. “How many times have we told you, that money is your cut. Not the club’s. We really don’t want to get the IRS coming in and investigating.”
“I could never take what isn’t mine,” Raph protested with a shrug. “It’s not ethical.”
Suddenly, another stripper popped her head in the door.
“Hey Raph!” she said in a Brooklyn accent. “We got a wise guy out here who just got done with a private session with me, and he ain’t payin’. Get this, he’s telling me I’m a fucking cocktease, even though I know for a fact he got his money’s worth.”
Raphael’s demeanor completely changed. He stood up tall, puffed out his chest, and scowled as he looked down at the stripper.
“You go back there and tell him he plays, he pays,” the Archangel growled. “And if he still doesn’t want to pony up, let him know that the Archangel Raphael is back here, more than willing to set him straight. Remember what I told you, Chastity?”
“Always take what we deserve,” the woman responded, “and by any means necessary.”
The stripper disappeared behind the door, and there was silence for a second.
“What the fuck is going on?” Cupi mouthed silently to me.
Meanwhile, Todd couldn’t hold it in any more. The imp let out a loud guffaw as he fell down onto the ground and began to roll back and forth, slamming his hands and feet into the floor.
“I-I fucking can’t,” he cackled. “I never thought I’d see the day when Raphey boy became a fucking pimp.”
“Pimp?” Raphael gasped. “I would never! How dare you slander the name of an Archangel like that.”
“Raphael is our … coach,” Megan jumped in. “We just give him a cut of our earnings because he’s so damn good at it.”
“And what are you good at, Megan?” Sia asked in a stern tone. “What are you all doing out there that brings in so much more money?”
“Creative liberties,” Raph stated proudly. “They all have free reign to be their true selves and come up with their own dance routines and--”
“We’re fucking the customers,” Megan admitted sheepishly.
Raphael’s mouth fell open in shock, and Todd’s laughter became even more uproarious.
“You-you’re sleeping with them?” the Archangel gasped. “I thought you were just changing up your dance routines and serving them better drinks!”
“Duh we’re sleeping with them,” Megan laughed. “Your tips don’t triple like they have been just because you do an extra strut or twirl in your act.”
“And these clothes?” the Archangel demanded. “Are these even the appropriate attire for a strip club manager, or have I been bamboozled once more?”
Megan pursed her lips and frowned, almost as if she were debating what to say next.
“They’re pimp clothes,” she sighed.
Rapahel stood there dead silent as he rapidly blinked at the stripper. His face was red with embarrassment, and he looked like he was about to break down.
“I need to get these off right now!” he grumbled as he headed for the door. “I’ll be right back.”
The Archangel disappeared into the hallway, and we were left alone in the office.
“Now, Megan … ” Sia began, but the stripper already knew what was coming.
“I know, I know,” the blonde woman sighed. “I’ll go tell everyone we gotta stop. I just figured we could play the new guy and earn some extra dough while we were at it.”
“You’re quite clever, Megan,” Superbia admitted, “but I’d rather not see the Velvet Lips shut down due to illegal activities.”
“Understood, ma’am.” Megan nodded. “I’ll go tell them all now.”
“Wait!” Todd said as he stopped laughing and sprang back to his feet. “I can’t let this opportunity slip by me. If I get out there before you, are the services still honored?”
“Uh, I don’t think--” the blonde began, but Todd was already headed for the door.
“No takesies-backsies,” he cackled as he ran out into the hallway. “Jakey, remind me to borrow a few hundred bucks from you later!”
“Wait--Todd!” Megan called out as she ran after the imp. “You ca
n’t just--Uhhhgg!”
As soon as the rest of the group was out of sight, the four of us still in the room exchanged looks.
“What the fuck just happened?” I laughed. “I feel like I’m in a dream.”
“Are your antics on Earth usually this humorous?” Eligor questioned. “Because I could get used to them if they are.”
“Our Earth adventures were usually a lot more low-stakes,” Cupi spoke up. “Not as much gravitas as all the shit we’ve gone through since we’ve been in Hell. Waaaay more laid back and fun.”
“I dunno,” I shot back, “the stakes sure as fuck felt high when I was literally holding up the Lincoln Memorial with Hellfire and discovering ancient Vatican secrets that hadn’t been unearthed in hundreds of years.”
“Our adventures in Hell have been fun, as well,” Eligor protested defensively. “At least, I know I was having a blast.”
Oh no. Not this again.
Cupi and Eligor had been trying to one-up each other lately, and I was getting kinda tired of it.
But it was okay. I had a perfect solution for this problem, and we were in the perfect place to make it happen.
“I’m sorry for the delay,” Raphael grumbled as he came back into the room, now wearing his traditional white robes. “I had no idea I was wearing the clothing of such a sinner. Anyways, I assume this isn’t just a friendly visit, right?”
“Right,” I confirmed as I watched Raph walk back around the desk and sit down in his chair. “Two things. First, I wanted to know how things are going up here, Earth side.”
“They couldn’t be better,” the Archangel reassured me. “As I’m sure Metatron has informed you, the Cult of Ralston has driven out all other demonic cults in this part of the country. Also, we have not seen a single Daeva in months.”
“Not a single one?” Sia questioned. “I hope that doesn’t mean what I think it means.”
“What?” Cupi asked. “Isn’t it a good thing they aren’t terrorizing the people of Earth anymore? Maybe our forces wiped them all out?”
“Doubtful,” Raphael sighed. “I believe Superbia is inferring that they’re not here because they’ve all been summoned back to Hell.”
“Which means Beelzebub is probably planning on launching his final assault soon.” Sia nodded. “He wants all hands on deck. That’s probably why Gressil sent the Tartaruchi after you and not the Daeva.”
“Ah yes, the Tartaruchi … ” Raph suddenly remembered. “Your cultists ran into a few of those the other day.”
“What?” I demanded. “I thought those fuckers were the protectors of Hell. What were they doing on Earth?”
“If you haven’t noticed,” Eligor spoke up, “the natural laws of the universe have kinda been fucked lately. I mean look at you, turning your succubi into Demon Lords? When people are trying to survive, all bets are off.”
“You turned your succubi into Demon Lords?” Raphael questioned. “That’s--that’s simply brilliant.”
“Thanks,” I chuckled, “it was the obvious solution to our problem. We needed more power, and that required more Demon Lords. The other Demon Lords wouldn’t come over to my side, so I created my own.”
“Things like that are the reason you are a king, Jacob,” Raphael grinned, “and it’s also a reason I’m proud to call you an ally. And a friend.”
“Not to rain on your little bromance here,” Eligor interrupted, “but there was another major reason we came by today. The Demon Lord Gamigin has left our alliance and is now working for Gressil.”
“Of course he has.” Raphael shrugged. “I remember a time many millennium ago where Demon Lords would change their alliance like they changed their clothes. I’m assuming he’s still alive?”
“Unfortunately,” I replied. “He tried to kill Todd and then split to the Sixth Circle or wherever the fuck he decided to go hide. I was just wondering if you had any advice considering, well, you know … ”
“Uriel’s betrayal.” Raph nodded somberly. “It’s a terrible thing, being betrayed by somebody you thought you could trust. I was heartbroken and in disbelief when my Divine brother turned against me, but I also understood it wasn’t my fault. Uriel was going to do whatever Uriel wanted to do. I only have limited exposure to Gamigin, but I’d assume it’s the same way with him.”
“But did you ever think that, I don’t know, you should have seen it coming?” I continued.
“Nope.” Raph shrugged matter-of-factly. “I’ve made peace with the fact that there was nothing I could do, and I’d suggest you do the same. However, there is one thing that I know makes you feel one million times better.”
“And what’s that?” I questioned.
“That moment when you find them and then kick their sorry, traitorous butt,” the Archangel said with a sly smile.
“You know,” I admitted as images of Gamigin’s mangled body flashed through my brain, “I think that would make me feel a million times better. In fact--”
“Raph, can you get out here for a minute?” the voice of a woman called out from the doorway. “There’s a little red dude out here who keeps asking the dancers if they want to play ‘churro in the tamale hole’ with him.”
Raphael rolled his eyes heavily and then stood up from his chair.
“I’ll be right out,” he sighed and began to saunter toward the door. “Make yourselves at home, my friends. Hopefully, I can get this situation under control without any lawsuits.”
As soon as the Archangel was out the door, the four of us began to discuss possibilities.
“Do you think our enemies want to conquer Earth, as well?” Cupi suggested, which drew a scoff from Eligor.
“Please,” the knight sighed, “you of all people should know demons want nothing to do with this festering cesspool you call ‘Earth.’ I would assume Beelzebub is gathering his forces and has deemed the Tartaruchi the most expendable. So, he’s sending them out to do his dirty work right now.”
“That’s a terrible theory,” Cupi shot back. “The Tartaruchi are stronger than the Daeva. There’s no way he would list them as ‘expendable.’”
“Everybody’s expendable in the eyes of a Demon King,” Eligor retorted with a sharp tongue. “Who that group is, however, just depends on what day of the week it is or who pissed the king off last or something like that. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of it.”
“There’s plenty of reason to it!” Cupi protested. “The Tartaruchi are obviously here to--”
“Enough!” I interjected and then stared down both of the blonde women. “Enough with the bickering. Look, I know you two both hold the card of ‘badass blonde warrior,’ but this is getting old. You know what? I think it’s time I implemented ‘Operation Attitude Adjustment.’ Follow me.”
“We’re not--” Cupi began, but I cut her off with a wave of my hand.
“Sia,” I ordered the redhead, “if anyone comes back, just tell ‘em we stepped out for a break.”
“Can do.” The petite woman nodded as a coy smile rose on her face. “I’ll hold down the fort for you, my king.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” I joked, and then I turned around, motioned for the two blondes to follow me, and headed out into the hallway.
I was gonna take these two to one of the private rooms and, by the time we were done, their opinions of each other were gonna be waaaay different.
Chapter 9
“Where are you taking us?” Cupi asked, intrigued yet annoyed by this new course of events.
“We don’t need an ‘attitude’ correction,” Eligor added as we passed through the threshold of the office and back out into the hall. “We’re just playfully bickering, that’s all. You know, like you and Todd do all the time.”
“Todd and I never bicker like that,” I argued. “You guys sound like you wanna tear each other’s heads off every day. There are a lot of things that could be, but ‘playful’ isn’t one of them.”
I led the two blondes through the winding halls until we fina
lly reached a room with a matte black door with no windows. It was so dark that it was almost lost among the walls, the only thing that gave it away was a small brass knob.
The VIP room.
Normally, I would have knocked on the door to make sure it wasn’t occupied, but this was the nicest private room in the house. The only way you could get in was with a key from the manager or one of the “main girls,” and it was reserved for those who were regulars or high spenders at our club.
Instead, I just summoned green Hellfire around the three of us, pictured the interior of the VIP room in my head, and then we vanished in a flash of emerald.
“I’m still not used to that,” Eligor gasped when we reappeared on the other side. “It feels like I was just ripped apart and them put back together, but without any of the pain.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Cupi admitted, “after awhile, it actually starts to feel kind of good.”
The rest of the private rooms were top-quality, made of the highest-grade velvet we could afford and the most crisp sound systems known to man, but the VIP room was on another level.
There was a large, red leather couch against the far wall, and the adjacent walls were covered head to toe with large mirrors. A chrome pole stood at the center of the space, surrounded by four single-person red chairs for those who wished to sit back and enjoy the show. The fourth wall, the one next to the entrance, had a long bar top complete with shelves full of every type of alcohol imaginable. The floor was made up of a soft, velvety material, mostly so the girls were comfortable when they were dancing.
“Why are we in here?” Eligor questioned. “Did you want to berate us somewhere in private? That’s what Lilith always does so ‘it doesn’t undermine my own authority.’”
“I’m not going to berate you guys,” I admitted as I walked over behind the bar and then nodded to the stools in front of me. “Sit.”
Eligor and Cupi obliged, and then I snatched up three crystal glasses and sat them out on the counter before us. Then I turned around and scanned the shelves until my eyes caught the familiar blue-and-gold label I knew so well. I plucked the bottle of Johnnie Walker off the shelf, twisted off the cap, and then poured out three drinks.