by Eric Vall
“Agreed,” Eligor hummed.
The two blonde women crawled over so they could be on top of me, and then they collapsed into my chest. The three of us laid there for several more minutes, a mass of naked bodies that did nothing but enjoy each other’s touch.
I’d always laughed at Todd when he mentioned my “Power of the Penis,” but now I was starting to think he was onto something. My plan had worked, all thanks to the love my women had for me.
“Alright, guys,” I sighed after a while. “We should probably go back out there and find everyone before they start to wonder what happened to us.”
“Please,” Cupi giggled as she stood up and walked over to her clothes, “they know exactly where we are and exactly what we’re doing. Mostly because they’ve all done it before.”
“Todd surely knows what’s happening,” Eligor added, “and even Raphael couldn’t possibly be that dense.”
“Probably not, but you never know,” I admitted. “I just don’t wanna keep everyone waiting. Even if I’m having the time of my life with two sexy ladies.”
“If it’s any consolation,” Cupi cooed as she seductively slid her pants back on with a wiggle of her hips, “I had a really fucking good time, too.”
“I did as well.” Eligor nodded while she snapped the back of her metal bikini armor into place. “I can’t believe I’d been missing out on stuff like this my entire life.”
“That’s what happens when you’re a fallen angel and not a full-fledged succubus,” Cupi giggled and slapped the knight on the shoulder playfully. “We’re quite literally built to please.”
“I dunno,” Eligor shot back with a grin, “I think Jacob would tell you I please pretty well.”
“Now, see?” I chuckled and pulled on my pants. “That would be playful banter. Funny, lighthearted, and not an ounce of snark in sight. More of that would be awesome moving forward.”
“Oh, there will be more of that moving forward.” Cupi grinned and ran her hand along Eligor’s cheek. “Much, much more.”
I felt my pants tightening against my cock, and I thought for a brief second, I could have gone another round.
But, sadly, we needed to get back to the others.
Once I was fully dressed, I walked up to the door, opened it up from the inside, and then stepped aside as I let the two blonde women out. However, when we got back to the office, nobody was there.
“Huh,” I noted. “I hope Todd’s not getting into too much trouble out there … ”
We exited the office, walked through the winding halls of the backstage of the club, and then headed out to the dance floor. No sooner had we stepped out into the neon lights did Cupi point over to the left.
“There they are!” she exclaimed.
I looked over and saw Todd, Raphael, and Superbia were all sitting in a horseshoe-shaped booth. Todd’s tongue was out of his mouth as he watched the naked servers and dancers walking by, but he seemed to be behaving himself.
Meanwhile, Raphael looked cool as a cucumber, with a bottle of clear liquid in one hand as he leaned forward and watched the people walking by. He was obviously gawking at all of these Earth women, too, but he tried to act like he wasn’t.
“Tried” was the key word.
Superbia, on the other hand, didn’t give a fuck. She sipped from her martini glass as her purple eyes darted around the room, making sure every employee in the club was performing their duties as assigned. The only time her cold expression broke was when she saw us approaching.
“I think they found us.” She smiled and alerted her companions.
“Alright, give it to me straight, Jakey … ” Todd said. “How much cleaning is needed in that VIP room? Do we need to go whole hog and call in the crime scene people? They’re really good about getting bodily fluid outta things. Don’t ask me how I know.”
“I’m usually not one to kiss and tell--” I began, but the imp cut me off.
“Fine, I’ll bite,” he sighed. “Todd Jr. left a few stains on the underside of my desk that wouldn’t come off, even with fucking paint stripper. Paint stripper, bro! So, one time when you were out, I had to call in the experts. They charged me an arm and a leg, but I’ve used them like, ten times since. I dunno what’s happened to my schlong since the transformation, but it’s like I’m spittin’ milky acid or something like that.”
“I-I really didn’t need to know that,” I gagged.
“Nor did I, Todd,” Raphael added with a grotesque look on his face. “The consistency and chemical composition of your semen is, as they call it here on Earth, ‘TMI.’”
“Totally Motherfucking Inspirational?” Todd gasped. “Thank you, Raph!”
“Right … ” the Archangel sighed, and then he turned back to me. “I hope you had a wonderful time in our VIP room, Jacob. Were the facilities to your satisfaction?”
“Sure.” I nodded awkwardly. “Did I miss anything important while we were gone?”
“Nothing much,” Superbia spoke up. “I mostly just sat here and held down the fort while Raphael chased Todd around the club.”
“He was not ‘chasing me,’ Strawberry Shortcake,” the imp protested. “He was just following me around yelling at me to stop bothering the ladies on the dance floor. Which I so respectfully did, bro.”
“You asked every single stripper out there if they wanted to, and I quote, ‘Box the one-eyed champ until the bell rang,’” Raphael shot back.
“Well duh, Raphey,” Todd snickered. “I couldn’t just straight-up ask ‘em to blow me. I like to think I’m an imp with a bit more sophistication than that, bro. I keep it classy.”
“You can think it all you like,” the Archangel grumbled under his breath.
“Besides,” Todd continued, “nothing happened, anyways. Apparently, none of ‘em were tall enough to ride the Toddster today.”
“Nor will they ever be,” Raphael retorted. “Their little ‘side hustle’ is no more. I can’t believe they were running a prostitution ring right under my nose!”
“Under your nose?” Todd cackled. “Bro, your nose was shoved up in that shit like it was cocaine and you were a CEO from the eighties. You probably wore a lotta the same outfits, too.”
“I had nothing to do with--” Raph began to protest, but he was cut off by the imp jumping up on the table.
“You didn’t even know what you had till it was gone, Raphey!” he exclaimed and shook his fists to the sky. “Now all these poor saps in the club tonight are gonna have to take their blue balls home and beat off to some sad video on the internet. Do you know how hard it is to choke the chicken with whiskey dick, bro?”
“I-I can’t say I--”
“Do you?” Todd shouted as he grabbed the Archangel by the shirt. “It’s like trying to handle a big, fleshy earthworm, bro. A big, fleshy, dead earthworm that you squeeze and watch its guts squish out like toothpaste.”
Raphael made an audible gagging sound and began to heave as if he were about to blow chunks all over the ground. He held up his hand to let us know he was good, but then he continued to heave for a solid minute.
“I-I think I’m alright,” he reassured us after he semi regained his composure. “That visual was just t-too much.”
From the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw a man approaching in a dark navy robe. Around his waist was a leather belt with a buckle that bore the head of a goat, and attached to it was a dagger with the same motif.
It was a member of the Cult of Ralston.
“Raphael!” he called out as he approached. “I have--”
Raphael held up his finger once more as he lurched over and tried not to hurl. This time, he coughed so loudly everyone around us turned to see what was going on.
“P-Please go on,” Raph coughed.
“Uh--Master Ralston!” the man gasped as his eyes locked on me. “So good to be graced by your presence.”
“Thank you, my humble servant.” I nodded. “What were you going to tell us?”
“I come with
urgent news,” the cultist explained. “One of our teams out near Mesa was just attacked!”
“Attacked?” Raphael suddenly stood up and fully regained his composure. “I thought you had pushed all the other cults out of the Southwest?”
“We did,” the man replied. “These weren’t cultists. They were some sort of monsters with ashy white skin and red eyes, and they all were carrying some sort of pitchforks!”
“Tartaruchi,” I growled. “When did this happen? Are they still there?”
“Literally less than an hour ago,” he explained. “Mesa’s only about twenty minutes from here, so if you hurry, you might still be able to do something about it.”
“Were there any casualties?” Cupiditas asked.
“That’s the weird thing,” he said as he shook his head. “They weren’t looking to kill anybody. Almost like--”
“They were sending us a message,” Eligor finished. “They want Jacob to come and find them.”
“Well then,” I announced to my team, “let’s not keep them waiting.”
“I shall come along, too,” Raphael confirmed. “Having Tartaruchi up here on Earth is problematic for many, many reasons, and I want to find out just what they are up to.”
“As much as I’d love to stay here and check out all these hot babes,” Todd sighed, “you know an adventure isn’t an adventure without the Toddster. I’m in.”
We all looked over at Sia, but the redhead just recoiled.
“When have I ever not come along?” she joked. “Besides, you will most certainly need a healer.”
“That just leaves the club,” Raph noted as he turned to the cultist. “There’s a topless woman around here with blonde hair. Go find her and tell her I will be leaving for the night, and that she’s in charge until I get back. Do that, and there will be a bountiful reward in it for you.”
“Got it!” The cultist saluted before he turned around and ran off into the crowd.
“Uh, Raphey?” Todd snickered. “You literally just described half the chicks in this club, bro.”
“What do you mean?” Raphael protested. “That was a perfect description of Megan Miracle.”
“Riggggghhhht,” the imp shot back, “I’m interested so see what Bubbles or Carolyn or Trixi does with the place while we’re gone.”
We headed out of the club, and the hot Arizona sun beat down on us the second we left the building. The air around us was dry and warm, and there was a certain electricity in the atmosphere as we walked toward Shadow.
It was a good day to go demon hunting.
Chapter 10
“Bro, I was just thinking about something … ” Todd mused as I sped down route sixty at break-neck speeds. “Who decided the most dangerous weapon to give the Tomigachi was a fucking pitchfork? Do they specialize in killing Frankenstein’s monster or some shit like that?”
“They aren’t pitchforks, Todd,” Superbia explained from the backseat. She was crammed between Raphael and Eligor, but she seemed to be keeping up her cheery demeanor. “They’re tridents, and they are symbolic of Lucifer himself. I’ve never seen it for myself, but apparently his weapon of choice is a ten-foot long trident that is constantly ablaze with black Hellfire.”
“How can he wield a weapon that large?” I questioned as I glanced back at the succubus in the rear-view mirror. “He’s only about a foot taller than I am.”
“Wait,” Eligor interrupted. “What form did Lucifer reveal himself as? A human male?”
“That’s right,” I replied. “He basically looked like he did as Plato, only without the robes and the crazy beard.”
“That’s not his true form,” the knight shot back. “That’s not even close to his true form.”
“Lucifer is a shapeshifter, Jacob,” Superbia explained. “He just takes on a human form when he’s speaking to you because that’s what you know the best. In reality, he can be whatever he wants to be, but his true form is only reserved for those in his inner circle.”
“Brrrrooooo,” Todd gasped. “What if Lucifer is really like, a super-hot demon chick with six titties? Or maybe he’s a Buffalo Bill motherfucker who wears human skin all over his body and tucks his junk between his legs when he dances. Orrrrr, he could even be a fucking llama, bro. How crazy would it be if Lucifer was a llama?”
“He’s not a llama,” Sia reassured the imp. “I’ve never met Lucifer before, but I can assure you he’s not one of those.”
“I’ve met him a few times when Lilith was allowed to bring a ‘plus one’ to her meetings,” Eligor shuddered. “He’s every bit as horrifying as you’d imagine.”
“But what does he look like, Goldilocks?” Todd begged. “I’ve got a bet goin’ with that pig-fucker Chort. He thinks the guy looks like a big red dude with goat horns and hooves, but I think he looks like a sunburnt Dr. Phil.”
“Dr. Phil?” I guffawed. “You think my father’s true form is a bald, out of shape Texan with a comically large mustache?”
“It’s always the ones you least expect, bro,” Todd noted with a waggle of his finger. “And I don’t trust Dr. fucking Phil one bit.”
“From what I’ve pieced together,” Eligor continued, “your human portrayals are fairly accurate. He is a large, red, muscular demon with giant horns and an enchanted trident. His eyes are as black as the Hunter’s Plains, and his hands are so large that they look like they could crush you in seconds … On second thought, I don’t want to talk about this.”
“So … No Dr. Phil?” Todd asked sadly.
“Doesn’t sound like it, bro,” I chuckled and patted Todd on the shoulder. “I hope you didn’t bet too much money on it.”
“I don’t gamble with that worthless, mortal shit, Jakey,” the imp sighed and stared off into space. “I only deal in things much more valuable. I have to send him four crates of my best weed.”
“Tristitia isn’t gonna like to hear that,” Cupi whistled.
“I’ve never understood this affinity for the Devil’s Lettuce,” Raphael scoffed. “It’s just a plant that makes you goofy. If you really wanted to feel a spiritual high, you could just do yoga, eat healthy, pray, and get nine hours of sleep a day like the rest of us.”
The car went quiet as we all silently judged the Archangel.
“I’d rather die,” Todd finally spoke up. “The day Todd Masterson gives up on weed and artery-clogging food is the day that he unsheathes himself from this mortal coil.”
“Uh, you’re a demon now,” Cupi corrected him. “You don’t have a ‘mortal coil’ anymore.”
“I believe this is the place!” Raphael interjected as he pointed to the large green sign on the interstate.
He was right. This was the exit for Mesa, Arizona.
“Where do you think the Tartaruchi are hiding?” Eligor asked as we pulled off onto the exit.
“They won’t be hiding,” I growled. “If they really want us to come out and find them, they’re going to make sure their message is being sent loud and clear. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they had already found us.”
“Fucking Tomigachi,” Todd grumbled. “I don’t get why these fuckers are givin’ you such a problem, Jakey. Usually, you just forget to feed ‘em, and they die on their own.”
“I just want to know why they are here, on Earth, breaking interdimensional law,” Raphael added.
The Archangel had changed into his battle outfit before we left, his standard-issue, pure white SWAT uniform. He had his trusty FAMAS slung over his back, and the Archangel’s belt and pockets surely carried all sorts of deadly goodies. He may have been a tad clumsy and innocent at times, but one thing was for sure.
I’d never want to be on the opposite side of the battlefield against him.
We pulled into the town of Mesa, and it was much more quaint than I would have guessed. There were a few large hotel buildings, but everything else seemed to be a one or two story structure. There were no skyscrapers, no trains, no large buses … it was a strange target for the Tartaruchi to
choose.
At least, that’s what I thought until I saw the banner that hung over their city square.
Mesa Halloween Festival - Today!
Shit. This may not have been a large city, but this thing was definitely going to draw in a lot of people from Phoenix and the surrounding areas. As we grew closer to downtown, I saw it first hand.
The streets were wall-to-wall with people bustling about as they ran to the different vendors. There were families with small children, seniors, and everyone in between.
This was the perfect place for the Unholy Trifecta to make their fucking statement. Whatever the fuck that might be.
“Todd,” I started, “can you make us completely invisible? Like, the whole car?”
“Why would we need to do that, bro?” the imp protested. “That sounds like an accident waiting to happen, and I refuse to be an accessory to vehicular manslaughter again.”
“Again?” I questioned, but then I realized I probably didn’t want to know. “I just want you to turn us invisible so we can sneak into the festival, that’s all. I dunno about you, but I don’t want to waste time waiting in line to pay for parking or at the fucking ticket booth.”
“Fair enough,” Todd shrugged, and then he placed his tiny mitt onto the door of the car, “but just for the record, I’m bailing the second I hear one ‘thump.’ Ahheeeem. Henshin a go-go, baby!”
Suddenly, there was a strange feeling in the air as everything seemed to go silent. I pulled up to the little booth with the parking attendant and then rolled right on by when I realized he couldn’t see us. Then I followed the road back to a small gate with a sign that read vendors only.
As if that had ever stopped me before.
I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, snapped the lock off the hinge, and then opened the gate with a flick of my wrist. Next, I drove Shadow up the road until we were all the way on the other side of the festival. Then I quickly turned down an alley, threw Shadow in park, and looked around at my friends.
“We need a new plan of attack,” I explained. “I didn’t realize there were so many people here, and I have a bad feeling the Tartaruchi are going to make their move the second they see we’ve arrived.”