by Eric Vall
“What do you suggest?” Raphael asked curiously. “Obviously, I think one of us with wings should circle the perimeter and try to neutralize any threats before they occur.”
“I can do that,” Cupiditas volunteered. “My abilities might not be the most equipped for the job, but Raphael and Eligor’s’ fighting skills will be needed on the frontlines, as will Sia’s healing abilities.”
“What about me, my bodacious blonde?” Todd asked with a hint of excitement in his voice.
“You, uh … ” the succubus pondered as she tried to come up with something. “You just do you, Todd.”
“I do ‘do me,’” the imp cackled. “Sometimes multiple times in one day.”
“Okay, so Cupi’s got the perimeter,” I explained. “Sia, I want you to take one of the rooftops that’s in view of the festival. If one of us gets hurt, we’ll still be in the line of sight for you to use your healing spell on us. That just leaves me, Eligor, Raph, and Todd to be on the ground fighting.”
“That should be more than enough,” Eligor noted. “The four of us can more than handle the Tartaruchi.”
“I know that,” I agreed, “but so do they. These guys aren’t going to try and face us one-on-one. They know they’d lose. So instead, I’d almost guarantee you they’re going to use these people as a human shield. We need our attacks to be swift, precise, and with no collateral damage whatsoever.”
“That means you can’t bust out Hellslayer, Raphey,” Todd said as he looked back at the Archangel.
“Wait,” I chuckled, “is that the name of your gun?”
“Of course it is,” Raphael said proudly. “You all got to name your weapons, so I figured I’d name my FAMAS ‘Hellslayer.’ What do you think? I’d say it’s fairly fitting, considering it slays creatures who come from Hell.”
“It’s fucking badass,” I reassured the Archangel, “but Todd’s right. Shooting off a machine gun in a crowded festival is probably not the best idea.”
“I agree,” Raph nodded. “I suppose that means I must stick with David on this mission. That’s what I named my Divine Light powered Bowie knife.”
“I see what you did there, bro,” Todd snickered. “Though, I personally would have gone with ‘Starman’ or ‘Ziggy’ or even ‘Major Tom.’ You know what? We can work on your naming abilities after we kill all these Tomigachis. Maybe I’ll even record it and submit it to TED talks or some shit like that.”
“Just so we’re clear, we need to try and be as stealthy as we can be with these kills,” I explained. “The Tartaruchi already know our faces, but this little festival might just play to our advantage … Todd? You wanna go all invisible and grab us some costumes?”
“It’d be my honor, Jakey!” the imp gasped and then threw open the door before I could say another word.
He somersaulted off Cupi’s lap and turned invisible before he even hit the ground. After that, all we could hear was his muffled snickers as he ran off toward the festival.
“I immediately regret that decision,” I groaned as realization hit me. “He’s probably gonna come back with a fucking giant hot dog costume or some shit like that.”
“Nah,” Cupi giggled, “it’s Todd. The best we’re probably going to get is Bob Marley and a giant pot leaf.”
“What I don’t get is this,” Raphael spoke up, “if the Tartaruchi have already driven out your cultists and are here in Mesa, why are the regular mortals not fleeing? Normally, if they saw a demon, they would be scared out of their minds.”
“Not at this sort of festival,” I explained. “It’s Halloween, so nobody’s gonna look twice at a scary demon walking around. In fact, I bet they’re getting complimented on their costumes right about now. It’s actually kinda genius on their part.”
“I think you mean it’s genius on the part of Gressil,” Eligor corrected. “The Tartaruchi may be sentient beings, but they do little thinking for themselves.”
We waited nervously inside of our black Jeep for what felt like hours. Then we finally heard an obnoxious rapping coming from the passenger side of the car, accompanied by somebody whistling the COPs theme song.
I nodded to Cupi, and the succubus opened the door.
“I got the stuff,” Todd giggled as he hopped back up into the seat beside Cupi. “I went to the nearest store I could find and grabbed shit that I think will make us look muy excellente.”
“Dare I ask what costumes you grabbed?” I asked with a sigh.
“Nothing too crazy.” The imp shrugged. “For you, Jakey, I grabbed a costume fit for a king.”
The imp rustled in the plastic sack that he was carrying and then came up with a packaged costume. As I took it from his hands and inspected it closely, I couldn’t help but groan.
It was the fucking Burger King, complete with a full cape and rubber mask.
“Words escape me, bro,” I chuckled at the insanity of this idea.
“And for Goldilocks over here, I got something even more fun,” Todd cackled as he tossed an outfit to Eligor.
“What is this?” the knight demanded. “Do you really expect me to wear a full-body costume? What about my armor?”
“As strong as your armor might be,” he explained, “it makes you stick out like a sore thumb. A sore thumb with giant tits. This will make you blend in a little bit more.”
Eligor rolled her eyes as she unfolded the outfit and held it up to inspect it further.
Instantly, I recognized the white-and-blue schoolgirl aesthetic. It was a Sailor Moon costume.
“Do I have to do the pig tails?” the knight asked.
“Do you wanna look the part, or not?” Todd shot back without missing a beat. “Now, for Raphey over here … ”
The imp pulled out the final costume and tossed it into Raphael’s hands. Instantly, the color drained from the Archangel’s face.
“Very funny, Todd,” he grumbled as the imp fell over onto the seat, laughing hysterically.
I turned around to see what was so funny and then nearly burst out into a cackle myself.
Todd had snagged Raph a pimp costume.
“Alright, alright,” Eligor tried to get us back onto the task at hand. “So, we put on these ridiculous costumes and--”
“Hold on, Goldilocks!” Todd protested. “You haven’t even seen the best one yet … ”
The imp threw open his door once more, jumped out onto the pavement, and then held out his hands as he began to transform. Todd’s body suddenly grew larger both in height and width, and muscles began to form across his entire form. His goatee shortened into a white biker ‘stache as his hair lengthened and his clothes turned into a red wife-beater with the words “Hulkmania” across them. Finally, I saw the red bandana appear on his head, and all I could do was shake my head in amusement.
It was Todd in his human form, dressed up as Hulk Hogan.
“Oh yeah!” the imp mused as he showed off his guns. “What are we gonna do, brother?”
“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do,” I announced as I stepped out of the Jeep. “We’re going to throw on these costumes, and then we’re gonna go around and kill as many Tartaruchi as we possibly can before they figure us out. Once that happens, we have to go into full crowd protection mode.”
“Remember to keep at least one of them alive,” Raphael implored. “That way we can question the Tartaruchi and find out what caused them to commit this heinous act.”
“Is it really so bad they’re here on Earth?” I asked the Archangel as I started to put on my costume. “Like, I hate these bastards as much as you do, but is it really that much different than having any of those other demons in hiding here on Earth?”
“The Tartaruchi are the elite forces of Gressil,” he explained as he followed suit and also began to put on his new clothes. “So elite, in fact, Lucifer handpicked them to become the ‘Protectors of Hell.’ Having them here on Earth would be the equivalent of having the Saint’s Guard come down and start slaying demons.”
“T
he Saint’s Guard?” I pondered aloud.
“Those are the Exalted One’s elite protectors,” Raph explained. “They’re the best of the best. A small group of Shades made up of some of the greatest warriors in human history. To send them against Lucifer’s forces is a direct declaration of war against Hell, something we’ve been trying to avoid for centuries. But I fear Gressil and Lucifer may have just made that decision for us.”
“But we are at war … ” I trailed off as the words left my mouth. “The whole point of me being a spy is so we can get your forces down there and finish off you-know-who once and for all, right?”
“Believe it or not, we’re still in a time of peace,” Superbia explained from beside me. “Azazel and Beelzebub might have broken the rules quite brazenly, but no official declaration has been made. Meanwhile, their forces have been engaging with each other directly in ‘proxy’ conflicts, such as the one that involves all of us.”
“All you angels and demons really like to be all backstabby, don’t ya?” Hulkster-Todd asked with a sigh. “Totally two-faced. Damn it! That probably would have been a way better costume … ”
“So, what you’re saying is the Exalted One and Lucifer are locked in a Cold War?” I said as I tried to analyze the redhead’s words.
“Precisely,” Sia nodded, “and, just like Earth’s Cold War, they know what will happen if they declare war against each other.”
“What happens then?” I asked as my morbid curiosity took over.
“The apocalypse,” Raph added grimly. “The end of days. The Revelation. The time when all things will come to a close.”
Even though the topic was grim as fuck, it was hard to take Raphael seriously. I guess that’s what happened when you were forced to wear a fuzzy purple hat with a furry cape that made you look like you stepped straight out of Starsky and Hutch.
“Well then,” I mused as I tried to hold back a laugh, “we need to make sure that’s not what’s happening here. Are we ready?”
I turned around to see Eligor, Raph, and Todd clad in their Halloween costumes. I was sure we looked ridiculous, but we looked like we fit in.
And, when you were trying to use stealth, that was the most important thing of all.
“You two get into position,” I nodded to Sia and Cupi. “Remember … don’t do anything until we’re actually spotted. I’d hate to give ourselves away too soon.”
I pulled the rubber mask down over my face, checked my belt to make sure my weapons were concealed, and then motioned for my friends to follow.
“Sooooo,” Hulkster-Todd asked, “how are we gonna dispose of the bodies? Like, I get that we’re going all hitman on these fuckers, but we’re killing them in broad daylight, in the middle of a crowded festival. That’s gonna drive up our wanted level real quick, bro.”
“Eligor,” I turned to the knight of Hell, “this is where you come in. Do you think you could whip up a little fog for us? That could cover our tracks pretty well.”
“Fog in Arizona?” Sia mused. “I supposed stranger things have happened.”
“Of course I can.” Eligor nodded. “One fog storm, coming right up.”
The blonde woman summoned lime green Hellfire into her hands, raised them up to the sky, and then began to swirl them around in a circular motion.
“Once the fog is nice and thick, I’ll use my green Hellfire to send the bodies up to Cupi,” I explained. “She’ll snatch ‘em up and then take them over to someplace safe and out of sight for disposal. I know that’s a major deviation from the original plan, but I think it’ll work. Are we ready?”
Everyone nodded, and the air around us began to grow thick with mist. Within moments, the sun was already dimming overhead.
“Alright, let’s split up, then,” I said to the group. “When we kill one of the fuckers, just yell out a code word to let me and Cupi know to dispose of the body. Something cool, yet inconspicuous. Something like--”
“Titicaca!” Todd offered. “You don’t get a better fucking word than ‘Titicaca,’ bro.”
“That’ll draw way too much attention,” I explained, “but I like where your head’s at. What about something simple … something that people won’t even give a second thought about hearing?”
“Excuse me?” Raphael blurted out.
“‘Excuse me’ what?” I questioned. “Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no,” the Archangel chuckled. “I mean, why don’t we use ‘excuse me’ as our code word? It’s a common phrase in the human lexicon.”
“I dunno what the first battle of the Revolution has to do with anything,” Todd noted, “but I’m totally on board with that, bro.”
“Then, ‘excuse me’ it is,” I agreed. “It might draw some peoples’ attention, but this fog is so damn thick, they won’t be able to see anything unless they’re right up on us. Let’s get to work.”
All of my teammates gave me a nod of agreement, and then we went on our way. Cupi summoned her wings with a flash of purple, flew over behind Superbia, and then picked her up into the sky. The two succubi were out of sight in seconds, and I hoped they would be able to fly under the radar.
Everything should go according to plan, though. The entire area around us was now covered with a thick mist that only allowed for about five to ten feet of visibility.
It was the perfect cover.
The four of us walked out of the alleyway and into the busy streets of Mesa. There were people all around, and they murmured in shock at this sudden change in weather and grumbled as they headed toward the parking lots.
I gave my teammates one final nod, and then we split off into four different directions. The only way to see out of this fucking mask was through two tiny slits that were just big enough to create a good sightline. Even then, I had next to no peripheral vision.
Were the Tartaruchi even here, or was it just some big elaborate ploy to waste our time? My heart sank as I thought of another alternative. What if the Tartaruchi distraction was cooked up by one of our enemies so we would have to leave the club and leave one of our most precious assets exposed?
Beelzebub’s forces could be there right now, killing everyone and wreaking havoc on our friends.
However, that fear was quickly squashed. There, before me in the crowd, stood the foggy outline of a familiar lanky, ashy-skinned demon. He had his back turned to me, but he was scanning the crowd as he put off an annoyed demeanor.
He would be the first fucker to die.
I used my disguise to push through the people and the dense fog until I was right up behind the bastard. Then I summoned a small bit of purple Hellfire into one hand as I drew my goat-headed dagger with the other. My adrenaline caused my heart to pound in my chest, and it only got quicker when the Tartaruchi I was following halted in his tracks.
He must have known something was afoot, because he slowly turned around to see what was going on behind him.
I was still about a foot away, so I needed to remain hidden for the moment. I held both of my hands behind my back as my eyes met the Tartaruchi’s, and I realized what I had to do.
“Cool freaking costume, bro,” I told the ashy demon. “You make it yourself?”
The fucker’s eyes narrowed as if he recognized my voice, but it was too late.
I closed the gap and drove my dagger straight into his heart. At the same time, I threw up a shield of purple directly behind his body to catch any of the blood splatter.
The Tartaruchi’s red eyes went dark as his tongue flopped out of his mouth, and he began to fall down.
I caught him with a quick spell of green flames, moved us off the main pathway into the thick fog, and then tossed him up into the air as I called out “Excuse me.” Seconds later, I saw the shadow of a winged humanoid pass through the fog, and the Tartaruchi’s body did not come back down.
So far, so good.
I walked around for another minute or two before I found my next target. This guy was further out, away from the crowd completely, and
he already seemed to be on high alert. His beady eyes darted back and forth in his head as I sauntered right past him in disguise, under the cover of the thick fog.
Once I was close enough, I went in for the kill.
In one quick motion, I jumped behind the demon, summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, and then created two barriers on either side of his neck. They rapidly met at the center, and the bastard’s head was severed from his body.
I caught both the head and the body with my flames before there was any visible difference, and then I looked around to make sure nobody was watching. I couldn't even see two feet in front of my face right now. The coast was most definitely clear. I tossed the body up into the air and let out another “excuse me.”
The next Tartaruchi came almost instantly, and my blood went cold as he stared me down. I wasn’t sure if he knew who I was or if he had seen what had just transpired, but I sure as fuck wasn’t about to find out.
I placed my hands behind my back, summoned purple Hellfire, and then created a small cube directly around the ashy demon’s head.
His eyes went wide, and he opened his mouth to scream, but I silenced him quickly.
I clapped my hands together, and the cube followed my motion. The glowing violet walls smashed into the Tartaruchi’s head and crushed it into a pulp of brain matter, skull fragments, and blood.
“Excuse me!” I gagged as I flung the fucker’s remains up into the sky.
Within the next few minutes, I got “excuse me’s” from all three of my teammates. Todd called it out twice, while Raph only used it once, and Eligor used it a whopping three times. Each time, I caught the bastards’ remains, lifted them up like a ragdoll, and allowed Cupi to pick them up.
As the mission went on, I realized I needed to get a bit more creative with my kills.
The next fucker I ran into was completely oblivious to what was happening. He stood by one of the food vendors, listening to the customers compliment him on his outfit as they waited in line for a corndog and he scanned his surroundings for threats.