Succubus Lord 11

by Eric Vall

  Little did he know that Death was coming for him in the form of the fucking Burger King.

  I sauntered right up to the bastard, threw my hand on his shoulder as if I were drunk, and began to play him like a fiddle.

  “Y-you have no idea how badass you look right now,” I pretended to slur my words. “Like--Like, seriously. You’re a fucking badass. What are you supposed to be, anyway?”

  “I am a Tartaruchi,” the demon growled back. “Unless you know when Jacob Ralston is going to get here, I suggest you leave me alone immediately.”

  “Wait … ” I drawled. “Jacob Ralston? Six foot tall dude with brown hair and a bunch of smoking-hot women around him?”

  “You’ve seen him,” the Tartaruchi perked up. “Tell me where they are immediately, and I may just spare your life.”

  I fake laughed at the demon and then patted his arm playfully.

  “You’re really into character, aren’t you bro?” I joked and began to walk behind the food truck.

  There were too many people on the other side, and I really didn’t want them to see what I was about to do.

  The Tartaruchi followed me behind the large metal food stand, but then he brandished his pitchfork at me when I paused.

  “Tell me where he is!” he growled. “Or you’ll be the first one to go in this massacre of human filth.”

  So, that was their endgame. They wanted to massacre a bunch of humans, probably so they could blame it on me.

  That was so two adventures ago.

  “You--You want to know where Jacob Ralston is?” I slurred through my rubber mask and stumbled forward so I was right up against the Tartaruchi. “Well, you’re never gonna believe this … ”

  “Talk, mortal!” he growled.

  In a flash, I grabbed my mask, lifted it up to reveal my face, and summoned red Hellfire into my hand.

  “I’m right here, bitch,” I growled as I tossed my flaming hand around the Tartaruchi’s throat.

  He tried to let out a scream, but his voice box was incinerated instantly from the heat of my spell. He also tried to attack me with his trident, but I easily dispelled it with a small cast of purple fire.

  Within seconds, his eyes rolled back in his head, and his body went limp. The entire front half of his neck was nothing but a large, charred hole, and I tossed him up into the foggy air before anyone else was the wiser.

  “Excuse me!” I called out, and then I heard the flapping of wings above me.

  As I explored the crowd, I heard at least six more callouts from my group of friends. Finally, I encountered my fourth Tartaruchi in the wild.

  Their numbers had to have been thinning, and I debated on whether or not I should kill the bastard. My cultist said there was a “small group” of Tartaruchi in Mesa. We had killed fifteen of the demons already, and I couldn’t imagine that a small group would be too much bigger.

  Unfortunately, my decision was made for me.

  “What are you looking at, mortal?” the Tartaruchi hissed at my disguised figure as I approached.

  “Just taking in the views,” I said sarcastically. “Arizona is so much more beautiful when it’s covered in fog, don’t you think?”

  “That voice … ” the demon gasped, and then he raised his trident toward me.

  He opened his mouth to sound the alarm, but I wasn’t gonna let that happen.

  I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, encased his weapon with its shimmer, and then ordered the metal to jump to his mouth. The watery silver material slapped against his lips as hard as it could, and his noises were muffled instantly. Then I liquified my dagger, turned it into a thin, long shape, and wrapped it around the fucker’s neck.

  His eyes went wide as I commanded the makeshift noose to lift him up into the air, and I saw his feet kick furiously as the life was drained from his body. I ordered the liquid to constrict tighter, and there was a sickly crunch as his windpipe was crushed into dust.

  “Excuse me!” I called out again as I tossed him into the sky.

  I wandered around for a few more minutes, but I didn’t find any Tartaruchi. Even more troubling, I didn’t hear any of my friends.

  Fuck. Had we killed every one of them? Sixteen was a very strange number to send on a mission, but I wouldn’t put it past Gressil.

  Finally, I saw a curvy, school-girl uniform-clad figure emerge from the mist. It was Eligor.

  “Do you think we got them all?” the blonde knight questioned. “That can’t possibly be it. That was way too easy.”

  “I dunno,” I admitted. “There’s only one way to find out. Clear out the fog.”

  “Are you sure?” the knight asked with a raised eyebrow. “If we do that, we won’t have any cover.”

  “No,” I explained, “but even if there are Tartaruchi left over, they’re not going to know all their brethren are dead. They might be confused as fuck and wonder where they are, but we’re all still in disguise, so they’ll be none the wiser.”

  “If you say so.” Eligor nodded, and then she shoved her hand inside the fold of her shirt.

  I saw a dull, lime green glow from within, and then the misty sky around us began to part like the Red Sea. In only a few seconds, the entire area was clear once more.

  The people around us began to murmur away as they tried to figure out what the fuck had just happened. After a few moments of confused deliberation, they went about their day.

  I scanned through the throngs of people as I tried to spot any remaining Tartaruchi. Honestly, I would have figured it’d be super easy to spot a giant, bald white demon with glowing red eyes, but all these people in costume made it difficult.

  “Yo, Burger King!” I heard Todd call out from afar. “Tartar Sauce in the house, brother!”

  I whipped around in the direction of the imp’s voice and saw him way on the other side of the block. He was pointing frantically to the right and jumping up and down, so I followed the sightline of his finger.

  There, bulldozing his way through the crowd, was a lone Tartaruchi. He may not have known what was going on, but I could tell by his demeanor that he knew something was afoot.

  It wouldn’t matter in a minute here, anyways.

  I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, surrounded myself with its shimmer, and then pictured the area in front of the bastard in my head. Not a second later, I was teleported through space and time and then reappeared on the sidewalk just outside of the crowd.

  When the Tartaruchi finally came barreling through the crowd, he was in a full-fledged sprint.

  Too bad I was ready for him.

  I threw down a miniature wall of purple Hellfire, just small enough to be inconspicuous, but with enough height to trip the fucker up.

  The Tartaruchi’s feet hit the barrier, and his momentum sent him tumbling head-over-heels across the pavement.

  His grunts of pain undoubtedly drew the attention of a bunch of bystanders, so I had to get us out of here ASAP. I couldn’t risk him coming up swinging and accidentally hurting somebody.

  So, I quickly threw out a portal of green Hellfire in front of the bastard, pictured the top of the nearby hotel building, and then sent him there. I repeated the process with myself, and I instantly reappeared beside the demon.

  He sprang up to his feet and lunged at me with his pitchfork, but he didn’t have a chance.

  I parried the attack with a well-placed shield of purple before I threw a handful of yellow-and-red shuriken down into his foot. Before the fucker could let out a wail of pain, I ordered my dagger to liquify and then throw itself over his mouth. Next, I commanded my shuriken to explode.

  The Tartaruchi’s scream was muffled by the metal plate across his mouth as his leg was blown off at the knee. He collapsed over onto his side as blood spurted from the fresh wound, and his fleshy debris tumbled over against the lip of the roof.

  “Alright,” I growled as I stepped closer to the injured Tartaruchi. “It’s about time you started talking.”

  Before I could beg
in my interrogation, though, a blinding flash of white light appeared between the two of us. I threw up my hands to protect my eyes, but the phenomena was quick to subside.

  There, standing before me, was a large man in a suit of pure white armor. His short blond hair draped down against his neck in a cascade of curls, and his chiseled features were contorted into a frown.

  Beside him was a stocky man clad in a stocking cap, tights, and a frilly-yet-matted cape. He was holding a notepad as he grumbled incoherent ramblings in Italian.

  “Metatron?” I gasped. “Angelo?”

  “I agree with King Ralston,” the Archangel reiterated as he turned to the fallen Tartaruchi. “We need answers, and we need them right now.”

  Oh, shit.

  I had a sinking feeling that everything was about to hit the fan.

  Chapter 11

  The tall Archangel towered over the wounded Tartaruchi on the ground, and the demon began to cower like a scared puppy.

  “Good job neutralizing the Tartaruchi, Jacob,” Metatron observed as he glared down at the ashy creature. “The Watchers had given us word they were on the loose here on Earth Realm. I almost didn’t believe them.”

  “These bastards are getting pretty brave,” I retorted. “We ran into a bunch of ‘em out on the Hunter’s Plains not too long ago. Sia claims they’re not supposed to leave the Circles of Hell, yet here they are.”

  Metatron placed his armored boot against the arm of the Tartaruchi and glanced back over his shoulder at me.

  “Yet here they are,” the blond Archangel repeated, and then he raised his eyebrow curiously. “I see you’ve fully embraced the royal aesthetic.”

  “What?” I questioned, and then I remembered what I was wearing. “Oh, this is just a costume. We were all trying to blend in with the Halloween festival down there.”

  I yanked off the rubber mask, tossed it to the ground, and then undid the cape around my neck. As it fell to the ground, I let out a sigh of relief.

  “Jacob!” Raphael’s voice called out as he appeared over the side of the building with Todd by his side. “I saw the blast of Divine Light. Is everything al--”

  The Archangel’s face went slack, and the color drained from his cheeks when he saw Metatron.

  “Hello, Raphael,” Metatron said as he took in Raph’s costume. “Are you participating in this ‘Halloween’ nonsense as well?”

  “I, uh, n-not really,” Raphael stuttered as he ripped the fuzzy hat from his head. “Jacob thought these disguises would help us blend in.”

  “And that is the one you picked?” the blond Archangel asked skeptically. “The one that makes you look like you’re wearing a bearskin rug? And what is that hat? You look like Abraham Lincoln’s effeminate cousin.”

  Todd let out a muffled snicker, but then he lost it.

  “G-gaybraham Lincoln!” he cackled, and then he doubled over and began to slap his knee violently.

  “I am not--” Raph protested as his face turned red, and he threw the hat onto the ground. “I’ll have you know I’ve been with plenty of women!”

  “Excuse me?” Metatron gasped. “Raphael, please correct me if I’m wrong, but I could have sworn I heard you say you’ve laid with a woman? That’s almost as sacrilegious as what the Tartaruchi here have done.”

  “I-I’m just informing Todd over there that I am not a homosexual,” Raph fumbled over his words. “It’s an expression, that’s all.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” the imp retorted as he wiped a tear away from his eye, “I shoulda guessed the pimp would be sleepin’ with all his hoes.”

  “Leno,” the ghost of Angelo Martatelli snickered. “Leno est stultus petasum.”

  “That’s right, Fettuccini,” Todd agreed. “They’re all givin’ some petasum, if ya get my drift.”

  “The ladies at the Velvet Lips are not ‘hoes!’” Raph shot back. “They’re delicate flowers who just need a kind father figure to guide them through their lives.”

  “That’s a weird way of saying they’ve got daddy issues,” the Hulkster-imp shrugged, “But suit yourself, Raphey. If you’re into that weird ass incest stuff, all the more power to ya. Different strokes for different folks and all that.”

  “I believe I’m at a loss for words,” Metatron sighed, and then he slammed his boot down on the Tartaruchi who was now trying to crawl away. “We can continue this talk later. For now … I want to know why you and your brethren are breaking universal law. Do you have any idea of the implications this little stunt will have?”

  “Fuck you, Archangel,” the Tartaruchi sneered and then spit into Metatron’s face.

  He really, really didn’t like that.

  Metatron let out a growl of rage as he lifted up his boot once more and slammed it down into the demon’s chest. There was a wet snap as its sternum was crushed like a piece of dry spaghetti, and then the Tartaruchi coughed up a mouthful of blood.

  “Damn,” Todd whistled. “I guess Starscream was the only thing holding him back.”

  “I want to know why you are here,” Metatron continued. “Are you working alone, or are you under the orders of your master?”

  “They wanted to lure me out here,” I spoke up. “Then, once they found out we were here, they were going to start slaughtering these humans. And then they were probably going to try and blame it on me.”

  “Not bad, Ralston,” the Tartaruchi chuckled through his bloody teeth. “You’re not as foolish as you appear.”

  “So, you are here under the orders of Gressil?” Metatron growled.

  “I’lllll never tell,” the demon cackled.

  “It has to be Gressil,” Raphael argued. “The Tartaruchi are under his orders. Unless … ”

  The dark-haired Archangel’s body went rigid as an expression of panic overtook his face.

  “Unless what?” Cupiditas questioned as she landed with Sia in her arms and Eligor right behind.

  “No, no, no,” Raph chuckled awkwardly as he tried to reassure himself.

  “What is it, brother?” Metatron asked.

  “Insanis,” Martatelli joked as he elbowed Todd and made a “crazy” motion with his finger.

  “Hold up there, Tortellini,” Todd gagged. “He just said he wasn’t gay. I don’t think he wants you going near his insanis with that twirly finger.”

  The ghost of the scientist cringed in disgust and then went back to scribbling notes into his notepad.

  “Is something the matter, Raphael?” Eligor implored. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

  “What if the Tartaruchi is telling the truth?” Raph pondered with a weak gasp. “What if Gressil didn’t send these Tartaruchi into Earth Realm?”

  “Who else could it have been?” Metatron questioned. “Who else would be brazen enough to commit such an interdimensional crime?”

  My heart sank into my chest as it hit me. The Tartaruchi must have noticed my sudden change in demeanor, because he began to chuckle through his bloody wheezes.

  “Daddy says hi, Jacob.” He grinned through his red-stained teeth.

  There was a stunned silence all around as we tried to make sense of the demon’s words.

  “Daddy?” Raphael asked with confusion. “Jacob … is--is your father … ”

  “Yes,” I said with a sigh. “My father is Lucifer.”

  The Archangel’s eyes went wide as he held his stomach queasily.

  “I think I’m going to be sick,” he mumbled.

  “Ooooohhhhh no!” Hulkster Todd exclaimed. “You ain’t gettin’ any of your stomach stew on me, brother.”

  “He’s lying,” Metatron growled, and then he pushed his boot further into the demon’s chest. “You’re a filthy rotten liar.”

  “What does he have to lie about, Metatron?” Superbia spoke up timidly. “He already knows he’s dead.”

  “He’s trying to sow chaos,” the Archangel argued. “Surely, he wants us to think Lucifer sent them, when it was really Gressil. Because if Lucifer sent them … ”


  “All Hell’s about to break loose,” Eligor stated coldly.

  “That’s right,” Metatron sneered at the Tartaruchi. “Your boss wants to usurp Lucifer and the Exalted One, and what better way to do that than to pit them against each other?”

  “Th-think whatever the fuck you wanna think, Archangel,” the Tartaruchi shot back with a devilish grin. “By the time you figure it out, it’ll be too late anyway. The Prince of Darkness will reign supreme, and the human world will bow down at his feet as he marches into Heaven and slaughters you all like the swine you are!”

  “I’ve heard enough of your lies,” Metatron snarled, and then he summoned his oversized white sword into his hand.

  In one swift motion, he flipped it around, aimed the pointed end at the demon on the ground, and stabbed downward. There was a schlocky sound as the enchanted blade separated the Tartaruchi’s head from his shoulders, and his severed noggin rolled across the rooftop like a runaway pumpkin.

  “Shouldn’t we have questioned him further?” Raph asked with an annoyed tone. “He was making some very serious accusations.”

  “None of which were true,” the blond man shot back. “Lucifer might be the epitome of all things evil, but he’s not stupid. He has been defeated by the Exalted One once before, and he knows he can’t win in a fair fight.”

  “You really think he would fight fair?” I questioned. “He’s a master of trickery.”

  “He is,” Metatron agreed, “all demons are. Gressil and Beelzebub are just trying to rile us up, that’s all. Because if the Exalted One is suddenly focusing on Lucifer, he won’t be focusing on them.”

  “I think he’s telling the truth,” I admitted. “Lucifer wants me to be his second in command. If what I’ve heard about Nephilim is true, then he’s probably thinking my powers could be what turns the tide of this eternal war. If he thinks he’s got me on his side, I wouldn’t put it past him to openly declare war on the Divine.”

  “But you’re not on his side … ” Metatron stated cautiously as he tightened his grip on the sword in his hand. “Are you?”

  “Of course not!” I shot back. “Do you really think I’d ever side with an evil motherfucker like that?”