by Eric Vall
It was the River of Souls.
“I still think it looks like splooge, bro,” Todd muttered as he waddled over to the banks. “It’s cold, sticky, and full of hundreds of thousands of people who aren’t quite people. And it’s flowing with the intensity of a firehose.”
“I think maybe you should see a doctor about that,” I joked.
Todd sat down on a small rocky overlook before he pulled a joint out of his pocket and put it in his mouth. He lit it with a flash of red Hellfire, took a deep puff, and then blew the smoke out into the air as he dipped his feet casually in the water.
Tristitia and Sia soon walked over to sit beside him, and soon Tris had her own blunt in her hand.
Isn’t it dangerous to touch the River of Souls? Mephisto questioned as he watched the three friends relaxing. I thought the souls would try to drag the living down to their depths if you got too close?
“A lot has changed since you’ve been away, Mephisto,” Eligor clicked her tongue. “Mostly thanks to this hunk of a King over here.”
“Thanks, Eligor,” I chuckled and shook my head with embarrassment. “She’s right. As you can imagine, I’ve got a really fucking good reputation with the Shades. They know I treat them better than any of the other Demon Kings, and they’ve heard the stories about how I’ve freed them from their torture and how I’ve given them positions in my army. None of them pose any threat. At least, not to me or any of my followers.”
Very impressive, my King, the orange-skinned demon mused. And the fact that you have Charon, a being who is notorious for his neutrality, on your side? That’s even more splendid.
“He’s not quite on our side,” I corrected the Master of Whispers, “but he’s agreed to help us out in any way he can without breaking his neutrality. In fact, he’s the one who gave us the dinghy we always use to travel between the Circles.”
Fascinating, Mephisto agreed.
“Hey, Jakey!” Todd called out from the bank of the river. “I think Sharron’s on his way!”
I looked out to the horizon and saw a large boat barreling toward our position. It was glistening with the dark purple Hellfire that surrounded it, a beacon of violet in the dark, cold morning.
At the bow of the vessel stood a tall man with a glowing purple staff stretched out in front of his body. As he grew closer, I could see the man was decked out in a shiny purple robe that was bespeckled with flecks of gray ectoplasm, and he had a hood up over his head to hide his features. Even then, a mess of greasy black hair tumbled out of the garment and slunk down to his midsection.
That was definitely Charon.
The Ferryman of Hell floated up to his daily drop-off spot, ordered his ship to halt, and then slowly sauntered toward the small ship’s stern. Then he froze as if he had been hit by one of Cupi’s elemental spells, and his body went rigid. After a moment, Charon angled his staff downward and pointed the glowing tip at the ectoplasmic water, and a small spout began to bubble to the surface.
Seconds later, the first detached soul rose out of the water as if he were attached to a forklift. He looked just like any normal human, but with one small difference … his body was gray and translucent.
Or, at least, it was for a moment.
“Congratulations,” Charon announced in his raspy, emotionless voice, “for the sin of Greed, your punishment shall be an eternity in the Fourth Circle of Hell.”
“Fourth Circle?” the man gasped. “Is that the one with the good King?”
“King Ralston is much easier on his Shades than the other Demon Kings, but do not let it go to your head,” the robed man warned. “Try anything foolish, and your head will end up on a pike just the same.”
“Uh, yes sir,” the soul chuckled awkwardly. “I wouldn’t dare think of it.”
There was a long, awkward silence as Charon stared coldly at the man. Then the Ferryman lifted up his staff, surrounded the soul with purple Hellfire, and stepped back to observe.
Slowly, the soul’s translucent skin began to materialize before our very eyes. The color returned to his body, and within seconds he looked no different than any other human in the world.
He’d been transformed from a soul to a Shade.
“Go now,” Charon implored. “Go and find your place in this eternal damnation.”
“Uh, thanks?” the Shade retorted. “Is this something I should be thanking you for, or … ”
“Go,” the man in purple growled, and the Shade let out a yelp as he took off down the riverbank.
Charon repeated this process twenty-three more times, creating a new Shade each time. Finally, when the last specter had run off, he turned to us and cocked his head curiously.
“King Ralston,” he stated in a simple, cold tone. “It has been far too long. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Sorry I don’t stop by more,” I joked as I walked over so I could speak with the Ferryman. “I’ve kinda been busy with the whole ‘running a Circle of Hell’ thing and trying not to get killed by all the other jealous Demons and all that fun stuff. How’s Cerberus?”
“He is fine,” the man in purple replied. “Loves his belly rubs, as always, but he has been much more mischievous lately, probably because he’s bored. I was thinking of perhaps getting him a playmate? Maybe I could borrow Tannin, the giant fish from the Fifth Circle? He would make an excellent companion, and surely Baphomet wouldn’t miss him too greatly.”
“Uhhhhhhh,” I groaned as I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly and thought back to how I killed that monster. “I don’t think that’s gonna be … have you thought of any other sort of companion? I dunno if a dog and a fish would be … ”
Then I noticed something in the Ferryman’s eyes. Even though his expression remained dead and emotionless, there was a twinkle of Hellfire that shimmered behind his sunken pupils.
“But I only have room for a fish,” Charon continued. “There is plenty of water around my dwelling, and I could have him pull my boat without exhausting my own spells.”
“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?” I shot back coyly.
Charon shook his head and, for the first time ever, I swore I saw the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.
“Do I seem like one to jest?” he questioned. “But yes, I am aware of Tannin’s demise. Every single being in Hell is. Baphomet was extremely angry and sad about the whole endeavor. Don’t let him know I told you this, but he even began to weep.”
“Well shit, bro,” Todd whistled as he walked up behind me, “now I feel kinda bad about it.”
“He was trying to eat us, Todd,” I reminded the imp. “Under the orders of his master.”
“I know, Jakey,” Todd sighed, “but it’s like the fucking Rancor. It’s still sad to see.”
Charon? Mephisto called out as he floated over to where we were standing. The Ferryman of Hell. I did not expect our paths to cross any time soon.
“Nor did I, Master of Whispers,” Charon responded to the demon. “I’m glad to see you out of your fiery prison. Jacob’s doing, I suppose?”
Who else? the large orange demon noted.
“And Eligor?” Charon observed as he quirked his head to the side curiously. “Have you turned against your mistress? That would be quite the plot twist.”
“I would never turn against the Demon Queen,” the Knight of Hell scoffed. “However, she has taken an interest in Jacob.”
“The plot thickens,” Charon mused. “Should she formally announce an alliance with the King of the Fourth Circle, I could see things getting very interesting around here.”
“She’s just exploring her options,” Eligor lied. “That is all.”
“Indeed,” the Ferryman agreed. “Though I feel Lilith is remaining as ‘neutral’ as I currently am. Speaking of which, what brings you to me today, King Ralston?”
“We wanna know how to get to the Boning Palace,” Todd interjected as he picked at his teeth with a tiny claw.
“He means the Palace of Bones,” I corr
ected. “We want to know how to get there without drawing the attention of Baphomet.”
“That is a tricky predicament,” the Ferryman admitted. “The Palace of Bones is located directly at the center of the Fifth Circle, on an island not too far away from Baphomet’s castle itself. Avoiding being spotted would be next to impossible. Unless … the tunnels … ”
“Tunnels?” I asked as I perked up. “Charon, are there tunnels that can lead us to the Palace of Bones?”
“Technically yes,” the robed man admitted, “but there is a catch. How long can you hold your breath?”
“Whoaaaaaa,” Todd chuckled defensively, “you can’t just go around asking other dudes how long they can hold their breath. That’s like ‘no homo’ rule number six.”
“It’s fine, Todd,” I rolled my eyes, “I’m one-hundred percent sure that’s not where he’s going with this. What’s the catch?”
“The tunnels are underground,” Charon explained, “underneath the swampy water of the Fifth Circle. Which means they are completely flooded.”
“Shit, bro,” Todd sighed, “I knew I shoulda taken those scuba lessons on the cruise. Why did I have to pick calypso dancing instead?”
“Because you wanted to know the dance to ‘Jump in the Line,’” I reminded him. “Quite literally what you said.”
“So, the tunnels are flooded,” Superbia mused as she and Tris joined the conversation. “Could I possibly use my healing spell to repair our lungs every minute or two?”
“Jacob flooded my tunnel earlier today,” Tris sighed. “Wait, did I just say that out loud?”
The rest of us snickered at her, and then she shrugged. “Guess I did, but he did. It was great.”
“Maybe we could get our lungs healed,” I said to Sia as I shrugged, “but that would mean we’d literally be drowning every few minutes and then being brought back to life. That definitely doesn’t sound like a fun time to me.”
“Maybe we don’t have to hold our breath very long,” Todd spoke up. “Could the Great Pumpkin here like, ask one of his animal buddies to swim super fast and get us there at the speed of light?”
Unfortunately not, Mephisto said sadly, I would need to get close enough to one of these creatures to speak to them. Even if I could do that, it could take me hours to find one that actually knows their way around the underwater cavern system.
“What if Libidine and I teleported us through the tunnels?” I questioned aloud. “Like, we know we can breathe during those blips where we’re traveling through space and time. Could we just do that in rapid succession?”
“Negative,” Superbia shot down the idea. “It’s too dangerous. One wrong move, and you’ll accidentally teleport us all into the brimstone walls, where we’ll be trapped forever.”
“Hold on … ” Tris announced. “I feel like this reeferooni is bringing on a brilliant idea … ”
The Sister of Sloth began to pace back and forth as she took long, deep drags off her joint. Then Tris rubbed her chin thoughtfully and furrowed her brow intensely as she stared off in the distance.
“Is she alright?” Charon questioned.
“She’s totally reefing out, bro,” Todd shushed the Ferryman, “that’s when a stoner hits the ultimate point of ultimate realization, where their brains and the universe become one with each other.”
“Nirvana,” Charon noted with a hint of emotion in his voice.
Todd’s eyebrow raised, and he turned his head curiously at the robed man.
“Uh, I don’t see what grunge has to do with any of this, bro,” he chuckled. “Unless you’re trying to say this shit is mind-blowing.”
“Bro!” I gasped, horrified.
Todd looked at me for a second, and then his eyes went wide with realization. His tiny mouth opened to protest as he shook his head furiously.
“That’s totally not what I meant, bro!” he argued. “I meant their music was so mind-blowingly awesome, just like the weed. Thanks for making it all dark and shit, Jakey. I think Elvira’s starting to rub off on ya.”
“Shhhhhh!” Tris hissed with a finger over her lips. “I’m trying to reef out over here.”
We all went silent as we watched the succubus stare off into space and inhale her blunt deeply. Then the brunette turned around with a devilish smile on her face.
“I’ve got it!” she insisted. “So, one of Gula’s new powers is she can boost up the spells of her teammates, right?”
“Right.” I nodded, but I was still confused as to where she was going with all this.
“And we’ve got an elemental on our team, right?” the Sister of Sloth continued.
“Correct,” Eligor confirmed. “That would be me.”
“Soooooo,” Tris mused, “why don’t we just have Gula boost your powers, and then you can move all the water out of our way? You could like, create a giant bubble around us so we could walk through the tunnels uninterrupted. Orrrr, even better, you could like, just push all the water out of the way as we go.”
“That … that actually might work,” the blonde knight pondered. “You’re a genius, Tristitia!”
“Never underestimate the power of reefing out, Goldilocks,” Todd snickered. “It’s certainly helped me make a fuckton of important decisions over the years.”
“But apparently not when you had to choose between scuba diving and calypso lessons,” I said as I jokingly slapped the imp on the shoulder.
“Sour grapes, bro,” the imp sighed. “Sour. Fucking. Grapes.”
“What do you think, Charon?” I turned back to the man with the slack skin and sunken face. “I know it’s a fucking crazy plan, but do you think it might work?”
“According to the rumblings around Hell, all of your plans are crazy,” the Ferryman shot back. “That’s why you always seem to be one step ahead of your enemies. Your plan will work, but I must warn you … the creatures that dwell within the cave system won’t be very happy their water has been displaced. Tread cautiously, Jacob Ralston. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have four more Circles I need to get to.”
Charon turned around and slowly lumbered back to the bow of his vessel.
“Don’t you mean five more?” Todd questioned the man in the robe. “I was never the greatest at math, but nine minus four is five, right?”
The Ferryman halted in his tracks, turned around to face Todd, and then stomped his staff into the ground.
“Four,” he stood firm. “I may be a neutral party in the affairs of Hell, but even I am not foolish enough to venture into the Ninth Circle. That is where Lucifer dwells, and he does not like to be disturbed.”
“But aren’t there souls that are damned to the Ninth Circle?” I asked.
Charon shook his head furiously.
“Hell may have been created to punish the evil humans of the universe, but the Exalted One would never be so cruel as to condemn a soul to Lucifer’s Circle,” he explained. “That would be something I wouldn’t wish on the cruelest Demon King.”
With those ominous words, Charon lifted his staff out in front of the vessel once more, and his boat began to head down the River of Souls.
All six of us waved at the Ferryman as he left, and we watched him disappear over the horizon and into the dawn of this new day.
“Alright guys,” I announced to the group. “It sounds like we have a plan. Or at least, half of a plan. Let’s go see how many others Libidine and Cupi were able to round up, and then we’ll head out.”
“I’ve always wondered what it’s like to go spelunking,” Tris pondered aloud as we began to walk back toward the castle.
“Beg pardon?” Todd asked in a weirded-out tone. “I thought Crazy Eyes was supposed to be the kink one here.”
“Spelunking means exploring a cave,” I explained to the imp, “and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”
We were headed out on a covert mission to break into the Fifth Circle, sneak into the Palace of Bones, and make Gamigin pay for what he’d done to me.
No
thing was going to deny me my revenge.
Chapter 15
Is this everyone? Mephisto questioned as he looked around curiously. I was expecting there to be more people for this mission.
“Don’t worry,” I reassured my Demon Lord, “Libidine said she was on her way with the new girls.”
“Invidia wanted me to extend her apologies to you, Jacob,” Sia explained, “apparently she is off on Earth Realm, attending some sort of concert. Something called ‘Louisville Loves Emo,’ I believe.”
“Wow,” I whistled, “Invidia is off socializing? I’m sure as fuck not going to rain on that parade. What about Ira?”
“Unfortunately, there was a major bill being voted on today,” Sia continued. “Do you remember John Zeitmann?”
“How could I forget?” I laughed. “That guy’s all over the fucking place, telling everyone who will listen about my fight with Gallu. He’s like, the king of the paranormal world right now.”
“That’s right,” Sia said with a serious tone. “Zeitmann is there today, making a speech on the floor of Congress. He’s advocating for a bill that would crack down on ‘radical religious groups.’ Or, in other words--”
“Cults,” I finished. “He’s trying to crack down on cults.”
“One cult in particular,” the madame sighed, “I bet you can guess which one.”
“Man,” I grumbled frustratedly, “what’s this guy’s beef with me? I tipped him really fucking well.”
“I don’t think it’s anything personal,” Sia explained, “he saw something that very few mortals have ever seen, and it scared the daylights out of him. Without the full pieces of the puzzle, it’s only natural he would be worried about the growing influence of a secret cult.”
“Well, when you put it that way … ” I laughed.
“Long story short,” the redhead finished, “Ira felt like she needed to be there for the testimony so she could keep an eye on Zeitmann and try to control the narrative.”
“Understandable,” I agreed. “At least it sounds like the rest of the gang is gonna be here, though.”
We were currently sitting in a large boat at the edge of the Fourth Circle, waiting on the rest of our friends to arrive. All of my succubi, minus Liby and the two who couldn’t make it, huddled at the front of the boat, while Todd, Eligor, Mephisto, and I were crammed into the back.