Saven Denial (The Saven Series Book 3)

by Siobhan Davis

  “Time, Ax. I just need time.”

  Like a few centuries’ worth.

  He stops wearing a line in the floor. “I’ve waited long enough already. I can’t wait any longer.” I’m unaccustomed to this cold, uncompromising attitude, and it worries me.

  “It’s not up to you!” I bark.

  “That’s a matter of opinion,” he says. “I am your husband, and you’ll do it if I tell you to.”

  Icy dread creeps over me. “You would force me against my will?” My voice wobbles. “That’s not true love.” I shake my head and look away.

  “I … I …” He drops to his knees on the ground. “No, Sadie. I wouldn’t do that to you. I won’t. I’m sorry. I just love you so much. This is killing me.”

  “It’s killing me too,” I quietly admit.

  He rests his hands on my knees, and we stare at each other in silence for an indeterminable amount of time. I feel a tremendous sense of responsibility for him now, and I hate that. I can’t feel like that and formulate a plan to get back to Logan. I can’t marry those two sentiments in my mind. My head and my heart roil. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. This situation is utterly impossible.

  “Ax? I’d really like to be on my own right now,” I tell him, a few minutes later, looking out through numb, dead eyes. “I need time alone to think.”

  His chest heaves as he gets up. Silently, he surveys me for what feels like eternity. Eventually, he nods and walks toward the door. Before it shuts, he turns back around. “I love you, Sadie. You are my whole world.”

  My eyes hold his. I don’t know what he expects me to say, but I have nothing to give him. It’s so similar to endearments I’ve heard from Logan, and my heart physically aches. I’m all chiseled out on the inside. His Adam’s apple jumps in his throat as he shoves his hands in his pockets and walks dejectedly out of the room.

  I curl into the bed, squeezing my eyes shut. My mind swirls without clarity. I can’t make sense of anything.

  To find out I’m not entirely human—despite my innate suspicions—has still come as a massive shock. The disgust I feel at the way my body, and my life, has been manipulated is … yeah, there are no words. And I can’t stop thinking about my parents. How much did they know? If anything? I can’t imagine how scary it must have been for them to witness such startling changes in me literally overnight. It goes some way toward explaining their behavior. But still. Surely, after years had passed, they could see that I was still their child? That I never actually did anything that warranted their harsh treatment? The more I think about it, the more incensed I become. Griselda has messed up my entire life, twice!

  I just cannot fathom that I had this whole other existence I knew nothing of. I can’t wrap my head around it. Tears prick my eyes, and I want to scream and cry and throttle someone—preferably Griselda—but I can’t. I need to remain focused, to stay strong.

  Dipping my chin, I observe my hand clutched rigidly around Logan’s pendant, my finger caressing the cool silver in a pacifying motion. I can’t allow anything I’ve learned today to color my judgment. Saving Logan and mankind is my sole priority. While a part of me empathizes with Axton, he can’t get in the way, no matter how guilty I feel for treating him so poorly.

  Keeping Logan alive is the only thing that matters.

  At some point, I come to the acknowledgment that that may even come at the expense of my own life. Am I selfless enough to sacrifice myself for the love of my life? For the greater good? If that is indeed what it comes down to?

  I must have fallen asleep as I wake to the sound of voices in my room. Correction, one voice. Mine. Playing again on the screen. My sleep-heavy eyes scan the floor. I spot the edge of the tablet peeking out from under my cot. Reaching around, I drag it out and pull it up onto my lap. I shunt up in the bed, blinking my eyes several times until I can focus clearly.

  This must be a separate message because I’m wearing different clothes, and I appear to be alone this time. “Sadie, only you can activate this message,” I say over and over again, obviously on a continual loop. “Scan your hand over the screen, and the tablet will confirm your identity.” I oblige and a tiny beep blurts out of the device and an automated recording says, “ID Confirmation. Commence playback.”

  My worried face leans into the screen. “Only listen to this if you are alone, Sadie. Ax can’t hear what I’m about to tell you.” A guilty look overtakes my face as I pause momentarily. “He loves me, so much, and I love him. With all my heart.” I slap a hand over my chest. “But he is still too far under Griselda’s control. I wish he would stand up to her more … but he craves her attention, her approval, her love.” Air whooshes out of my mouth. “I feel guilty even telling you—myself—this, which is pretty insane, right?” I twist my head from side to side, discernibly tense. “Ax is on board with my mission, even though he hates the thought of our separation. But he hates Logan more, with a passion bordering on obsession. I don’t know what’s behind it, and he clams up every time I raise the subject. I can’t pretend to understand why they are so insistent on eliminating the crown prince or why it has to be me to do it, but I’m not comfortable with it. At all.” I whisper that last part as I look around me nervously. “I’ve studied Logan for years,” I add, softly, “and I can’t fathom what he has done to make them hate him so much. I know this must have something to do with the future, but no one tells me anything, other than the fact I must kill him when the time comes. I … I can’t do it. It’s wrong. He seems like such a good guy … and …” I chew on the corner of my lip. “I can’t really explain it, and I know I love Ax, but there’s something about Logan … something that says he’s worthy of my respect.” I rub the back of my head. “Shista, I hope Ax never finds this recording because I know I’ll have a lot of explaining to do. But, deep down inside, I know I can’t kill Logan.”

  Both versions of me are silent, lost in thought.

  “And that’s not all.” Abject fear contorts my face. “Griselda has threatened Ax’s life. She says if I don’t go ahead with my mission that she’ll kill him.” A sob breaks free from my mouth.

  I called Griselda a monster to her face earlier, but I was wrong. Honestly, there are no words in the English language strong enough to describe how despicable she is. Doesn’t she care at all for her son? It’s bad enough that she criticizes him continually, and she can barely seem to tolerate his presence. But to go so far as to threaten his life? To use him as another pawn in her game? I’m sickened to the pit of my stomach. An urge to protect him starts building inside me.

  “Do you know what I’m most terrified about?” I lean into the screen at the exact same time my past self does, and it’s damn freaky. “I’m afraid I won’t remember any of this. I’m afraid that I’ll end up killing Logan. And I’m afraid that I don’t, and she takes Ax away from me. I can’t live with myself if either eventuality comes to pass, but I don’t see any way out of this mess.” A single tear slides down my face as I hold my crumpled face in my hands.

  My heart ruptures in shared pain.

  I slowly lift my chin and face the screen again. “If you are watching this, and it’s not too late, know that I have been opposed to this mission the entire time. And if Logan and Ax are still alive, do everything in your power to keep it that way. Keep them both safe, no matter the cost.”

  CHAPTER 8

  I spend a sleepless night tossing and turning in my bed. My last message to myself replays in my mind. Even without understanding it, I knew Logan meant something important to me. To the world. To the future. It solidifies my earlier conviction. And while I don’t remember my relationship with Ax, I clearly loved him. And he’s a good guy, too. I owe it to that version of myself to honor my request.

  Logan and Ax must be saved.

  Even if it means I have to die to protect them.

  Griselda was foolish to outline her plans to me yesterday. Arrogant, really. Either I will be sent back in time to attack Logan all over again or she will use m
e to lure him here. I’m inextricably linked to his death, no matter which angle I look at it from. I’m the common denominator, and I need to change that. But even if I’m no longer in this world, she could still use the Tempo to travel through time to kill him or to come after Ax.

  So, both it and me need to be taken out of the equation.

  I get up in the early hours of the morning and take a shower. As the cascading water slips over my skin, I mull over everything I’ve decided. I’m remarkably calm for someone who has chosen to sacrifice herself. More than anything, I wish I had some way of sending a last message to Logan so he understands why I did what I’m about to do. I can only hope that it conveys exactly how much I loved him and that he figures out the thought process involved.

  I would give anything for one last night with him. To experience what it feels like to be as one with him. To give him that last part of myself so he has something else to remember me by. That was obviously never meant to be, and perhaps I should be grateful. If we had shared that level of intimacy, it might make my loss even harder to bear.

  I get dressed and dry my hair. Then I lie down on my side and hum gently to myself. A serene peace washes over me, and there are no more troubling thoughts.

  My mind is made up. I have a plan. Now, all I must do is put it into action.

  Axton appears in my room an hour later, startled to see me awake and dressed already. He settles on the edge of the bed. “Did you sleep?”

  “A little bit,” I admit, reaching out for his hands.

  He eyes me curiously, as he clears his throat. “And did you reach any decisions?”

  I look up into his hopeful eyes, hating what I’m about to do. “Yes.” I stare at him a moment longer, injecting strong emotion into my gaze. “I want to get to know you all over again. To fall in love with you again. That’s the only path that makes sense. While there’s no denying it’s tempting to have my memories restored,” I lie, “I don’t want to recall everything else that comes with that. True love never dies,” I add, sitting up on my knees so I’m closer to his face. “So if you trust in that, then you should trust in this.” I peer directly into his face, and our noses touch as I lean in. Blood thrums in my veins, and I silently beg Logan’s forgiveness. My gaze rakes from his eyes to his lips on purpose. I’m whispering as I say, “I’d like you to kiss me now.”

  “Sadie.” My name is a prayer on his lips as he curls his hand around the nape of my neck. Twisting his fingers in my hair, he draws me to him as his thumb rubs across my lower lip. “It feels like I’ve waited a lifetime to kiss you again.” Lustful eyes watch me as he crashes his mouth to mine. I swallow the panicked lump in my throat.

  There is nothing soft or tender about this kiss. It’s needy and possessive and swollen with a multitude of other persuasive emotions. He devours my mouth as if he might die if he can’t continue to kiss me. Like a man reclaiming what he feels is rightfully his. His love infuses me, clouding my brain and igniting my hormones. My mouth glides languidly against his as my arms grip his sturdy biceps. I hate how familiar sensations stir to life inside me. How much I’m loving the feel of his toned, taut muscles under my fingertips. How my hands plead to start an investigative journey around his body.

  It terrifies me.

  I don’t want to be attracted to him on any level, but I’m powerless to halt my body’s natural reaction. God, how I wish he was a terrible kisser, because it would make the betrayal so much easier to handle. But, unfortunately, he’s an awesome kisser, and my treacherous body responds all too readily. Clearly feeling emboldened, he pushes me back on the bed and climbs over me. He slowly lowers his body down onto mine, and one part of me silently cheers him on, while another is completely freaking out. His hand moves from my hair to my collarbone and trails lower as his explorations become more frantic.

  Common sense roars in my ears, clearing the haze from my mind. I slap his hand away and break the kiss, sliding out from under him. “Slower,” I huff. “We need to take this slower.”

  Burgeoning panic threatens to consume me. Betrayal is a bitter taste on my tongue. I wish I could scrub out my mouth and erase the last few minutes from my mind. Right now, I thoroughly despise myself.

  He twists on his side and stares longingly at me. “I’ll try, but I’m not making any rock-solid promises.” He fixes me with a crooked smile.

  I shoot him a warning look, and he grins widely. “So,” I say, avoiding looking at him. “I was thinking maybe you could give me a tour today? Considering I don’t remember any of my … home anymore, I thought I should get reacquainted with the place.” Bile fills my mouth at the erroneous admission.

  He rolls over onto his stomach and props his head up with his hands. “I’m down with that, but you have a meeting to attend to first.” His smile is apologetic.

  “What meeting?” I ask, guardedly.

  “Mother wants you to meet with her and the High Council to discuss your gift. I’m to bring you there in an hour. Perhaps, if you are feeling up to it, you would join me in the comm-D for breakfast?”

  “What’s the comm-D?”

  He reaches out to comb his fingers through my hair. I’m noticing how he’s constantly finding ways to touch me, and it’s unnerving on so many different levels. However, I squash those feelings down, remembering what I need to do.

  “It’s the communal dining hall. The equivalent of your human cafeteria. You up for that?”

  “Okay,” I concede, just as my tummy lets out an embarrassing grumble.

  If he grins any wider, it’ll split his face. He clambers up, extending his hand. I allow him to pull me off the cot, and we exit the room hand in hand.

  As we walk to the comm-D, I garner more than my fair share of strange looks, and I’m feeling hugely uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t even know if I’m acquainted with any of the aliens we pass. It’s an uneasy sensation—an ever-increasing feeling of drifting further and further from the life I know.

  Axton steps aside as a double-fronted glass door glides effortlessly open, showcasing the vast room inside. He gestures me in first, never letting go of my hand. For once, I’m glad of his closeness. Literally, every head turns in my direction, and an eerie quietness replaces the previous hum of frenzied chatter. “About your business!” Axton shouts, and everyone shifts their gaze. Though the drone of many voices echoes in the vaulted room again, it’s obvious conversations are of the excited, whispered, gossipy type.

  Great. Not.

  Axton cups my face. “Hey. I’ve got your back. Remember?” I nod sheepishly. “And the novelty will wear off pretty quickly now people have proof that you are back.”

  “Sadie!” A shrill greeting rings out behind me at the same time my ears acknowledge advancing footsteps. Soft arms wrap around me from behind, and a strange, floriated fragrance wafts in the air. Before I know it, I’m thrust around to face a tall girl beaming at me.

  I peek discreetly at the rest of the crowd in the room, unhappy to realize their attention is resolutely focused on me again. Everyone shares the same silvery blond hair, bright red lips, and pink eyes. It’s hugely disconcerting, even though each alien has distinguishing qualities that give them their own individual look: different shaped jawlines, different size noses, eyes, lips, high cheekbones or dimples, and thick eyelashes as opposed to thin.

  A recognizable face glares in my direction. It appears Alinka hasn’t gotten over her aversion to me. I glare right back at her, refusing to be intimated by her or anyone.

  The stranger squeals as she pulls me in for a body-breaking hug. Every muscle in my body locks up. “I have missed you so much!” she screeches with far too much enthusiasm for this hour of the morning. “I can’t wait to catch up!” She eases out of our embrace, looking expectantly at me. I show her a feeble smile, and her excitement noticeably wanes.

  Axton’s hands land on my waist, and he tugs me back against his solid form, grounding me. His arms wrap around me as he rests his chin on my head. “Izzy, I tol
d you she doesn’t remember anything.”

  “I know.” She gulps. “But she is here with you, and you look close again, so I thought …”

  “Sadie doesn’t want to undergo memory restore,” he explains, an unhappy look creasing his face. “We are getting to know each other again.” He dips down and kisses my cheek.

  “Slowly,” I remind him, speaking up for the first time. “I’m sorry I don’t remember you, Izzy. I take it we were, are, friends?”

  “Best of,” she admits. “I can help fill you in,” she adds. “If you like.” Her penetrating stare strikes deep inside me. Everything about her exudes trust. I can’t explain it, but I just know she is a true ally. I shrug Axton off and step forward. Looking up, I grin. “I would love that, Izzy. I have a meeting to attend to after breakfast, but perhaps we can talk after that?”

  She grabs me into another enveloping hug. “I’m already looking forward to it.” With a wink, she whirls around and steps out of the room.

  The rest of breakfast goes by fast, and it’s uneventful, thank the stars. In next to no time, Axton is leading me to the room where I’m to convene with the High Council. My hands are sweaty and my throat feels dry. “Are they going to be running any tests on me?” I’d rather go into this as fully prepared as possible.

  He stops, pulling me over to the side of the corridor. “Absolutely not. They are just going to ask you some routine questions. And I will be with you the entire time.”

  That is reassuring, even though I hate to acknowledge it. “’Kay.”

  He leans in carefully and kisses me softly on the lips. Then his arms encircle my waist, and he holds me to him with zero concern for the myriad of nosy eyes glancing our way. Logan’s image flashes before my eyes, and a surge of guilt waylays me again. I wonder if this is what it’s like for actors when they have to kiss their co-stars as if they are in madly in love with them. I break away. “We don’t want to be late.” Taking his hand, I urge him to lead the way.