Something Old, Something New

by Linda Louise Rigsbee

  His smile was wry. “Or because you and I went there so often.”

  “We didn’t go there that often.” When he made no attempt to reclaim her arm, she continued. “Obviously you thought it was a little eccentric, though, or you wouldn’t assume he would see it that way.”

  He snorted. “Eccentric? More like childish. But I understand why you did it. He won’t. I warned you about him.” He jammed his hands into his pants pockets. You saved yourself for a man who would crawl into bed with a woman on the first date. Doesn’t that bother you? Do you think he’ll be as tolerant of your principles as I am?”

  The words twisted her heart into a ball. He didn’t take her up on the hill because he understood. He took her there for the same reason he sacrificed so much else for her. It made him feel good to think she needed him.

  She met his gaze with as much determination as she could muster.

  “Stop it, Josh. What Alex did before we became engaged is none of my business. I don’t want to know. Waiting until after marriage is following my morals, not his.”

  He sneered. “And you wouldn’t think of pushing your morals down someone else’s throat.”

  She met his gaze steadily. “If I have offended you or anyone with my morals, I’m sorry. But that doesn’t mean I have to abandon them.”

  His expression softened. “You haven’t offended me. I just wish .” He shook his head. “I love … loved you so much, Carmen. If he ever hurts you, just remember. I’ll be there for you.”

  “Thank you,” she said, and left him there.

  In what capacity would he be there for her? It was an ugly thought, but she couldn’t shake loose the idea that he would drop Lori if things didn’t work out with Alex. No matter what happened to his relationship or hers, there was no going back now. Surely he knew that. Maybe she was being vain. In any case, she couldn’t…wouldn’t, let him walk her up the mountain again. She’d tell Alex in due time, but the time was not now.

  After thanking Mums, Carmen returned to the truck and waited while Alex opened the door for her. He paused before shutting it.

  “What did Josh want?”

  She stiffened and avoided his gaze. “Nothing. He just wanted to play big brother.”

  Alex grimaced as he shut the door. His step was brisk as he walked around to the other side, but when he climbed into the truck, his expression was bland.

  As he maneuvered the truck through muddy ruts in the drive, she covertly studied his profile. The phrase ‘mature male’ rattled around in her thoughts. He was that. Did he think of her as a mature female? Probably not. A feeling of disappointment welled up for a moment, but she pushed it away.

  Alex’s deep voice interrupted her thoughts.

  “You’re quiet this evening. Did someone say something to upset you?”

  “No, I was just thinking.”

  He neared the intersection where the road branched to her house and his. “Where do you want to put the gifts?”

  She glanced at him. “At your place, I guess. There’s no point in moving them twice.”

  “Our house,” he corrected.

  “We’re not married yet, so it’s still your house.”

  It wasn’t intended as an argument. She was simply setting the record straight. Alex glanced at her, his expression quizzical.

  “Tired?”

  “Exhausted. I don’t know why I’m so tired. I haven’t done enough work today to justify my existence.” She sighed heavily.

  “I think you’re missing the goats,” Alex said as he maneuvered the last turn to his house.

  “Maybe…or maybe I just don’t know what to do with all that time. I’ve cleaned the chicken house and…I don’t know. Maybe I should get a job.”

  He hesitated. “Well, if you want to, but you’ll have plenty to do after we’re married, and I was looking forward to having you home.” He pulled into the yard, put the truck in park and turned off the engine.

  Selling the dairy goats had erased a part of her identity. Getting married would erase her name as well. For a moment the idea of totally losing her identity was a frightening reality. Her life was going to change when they married. Actually, it already had to a degree. She was becoming more dependent on him.

  Pushing the thought from her mind, she released her seat belt and opened the door without waiting for him. Scrambling down out of the cab, she reached in the back for one of the boxes.

  Alex dropped to the ground on the other side. “I’ll get them,” he said. “I’ll put them on the porch and you can take them in the house if you want to.”

  Unable to resist, she lifted a box and carried it to the door on her way in. After Alex unlocked the door and opened it for her, he went back for the rest of the boxes. As he brought the boxes to the porch, she carried them inside. There were so many things they didn’t need. But they appreciated them, all the same.

  Once all the boxes were in the house, he turned to her. “I’ll put them up later…or you can when you’re here next…or we can together…”

  It wasn’t like him to flounder over small decisions. He gazed down at her in the dimming light, his expression readable for once. It was pure desire. The words “mature male” crossed her mind again. If she refused him, would he find satisfaction somewhere else? Desire was burning the circuits of her mind as well. What she wanted to do right now was stay the night. And why not? No one seemed to think there was any reason for them to wait. In fact, some would never believe they had waited. Why miss out on the magic of tonight? The moon was full, the temperature cool for early August.

  Dragging her mind kicking and screaming back from desire, she sighed.

  “I’d better go.”

  “Well, if you’re tired.” He reached into his pocket for the truck keys.

  “No, I’ll walk,” she said.

  “Walk? You can’t walk. It’s dark.”

  She smiled up at him. “It isn’t dark yet. In any case, I’ve walked that path many times from or to the creek at night.”

  “It’s not safe. There could be a snake.”

  She turned to the door, ignoring the internal voice that begged her to spend the night at his home.

  “There could be a snake in the daylight.”

  “Yes, but you could see it then.” He followed her to the door and onto the porch, snapping on the light.

  “Carmen,” his voice was stern. “Don’t walk across there.”

  “I can still see.” She kept walking and he followed. Finally he caught up with her and swung her around. Grabbing her shoulders, he stared down at her.

  “Why are you doing this?”

  Why? Because if she stayed with him any longer, she might be sorry in the morning. Why couldn’t a mature male understand that without being told?

  His hands slid off her shoulders and down to her arms.

  “Josh said something to upset you, didn’t he?”

  “No,” she said.

  “Then what?” His warm hands on her arms did wild things to her pulse.

  If she needed to start talking to him about intimate things, this was a good one. While they were dating, it had seemed wise to avoid making him aware of her desire for him. With only two weeks remaining before their wedding, that was a mute issue. If he was going to take advantage of her, he certainly would have done it before now.

  She met his perplexed gaze, her face growing warm.

  “If I stay any longer, I’m afraid I might not go home tonight.”

  Comprehension washed the confusion from his face. The smile started as a twinkle in his eyes and spread to his lips. As they broadened into a smile, a large dimple appeared in the upper part of his right cheek.

  “Well, don’t,” he said.

  She gazed up at him. “I’ll be sorry tomorrow, and I don’t ever want to be sorry about time I spent with you.”

  One dark brow lifted. “Well put.” He stepped over to the truck and opened the door. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”

  “I can walk. It
’s not far.”

  “Don’t be stubborn.” His voice was soft, but the tone was firm.

  She climbed into the truck and remained silent until they got to her house. Opening the door, she slid out of the truck, thankful that he didn’t get out of the truck or try to assist. For a moment she paused, gazing up at him. Was he angry? Was she being a prude?

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “You’re welcome.” He gazed down at her, his expression difficult to see in the fading light. Finally he spoke, his voice soft and controlled.

  “You’d better go inside, sweetheart.”

  She shut the door firmly and walked away. The truck lights stayed on the door while she unlocked it, and for several minutes after she was inside with the door closed. For a few minutes she was afraid he would come to the door, but finally the truck turned around and left the yard. Watching the house on the hill from the kitchen window, she knew a moment of regret when his lean silhouette disappeared into his house. The lights went out and the night was stark. She stood in the darkness for a long time, and then finally went to bed.

  He didn’t even try to take advantage of her, nor did he think she was being immature. He seemed to understand so much. Maybe he’d understand about the place on the mountain. Dad did.

  Chapter Two

  In the morning she dressed in boots, jeans and a cool cotton blouse. She stood on the porch and gazed at the mountain. It wasn’t really a mountain by most people’s standards. It was barely more than 500 feet taller than her house at its peak. Still, it was wild and rugged. Its rock foundation frequently broke through the vegetation in jagged ledges. A mixed forest of deciduous and conifer trees formed a dense covering of mottled greens. The trees flowed gracefully down the mountain side, ending in the pasture where the goats used to graze.

  It struck her suddenly that she missed the goat dairy…or at least what it represented. It had finally been in the black and she was actually making a profit. It was her money, her place and her decision. In two weeks Alex would be making the decisions and everything that once belonged to her parents would belong to him as well.

  She shook her head to remove the unbidden thoughts. Why was she thinking about this now? She was the one who wanted Alex to make the decisions - and the goat dairy had never been more than an income to her. She wouldn’t need that now. Maybe that was it. She would no longer be paying her own way. That idea hadn’t troubled her with Josh, possibly because she had never thought of them as a married couple? Yet she had considered his home a sanctuary from the cold winters. If she had married him, she would have been using him. Was she using Alex?

  She stepped off the porch and headed for the dairy. It wasn’t as if Alex would rule her life. He was the one with the money. It was only fair that he make the decisions about it. She would be free to do as she pleased all day…after all the chores were done. Her gaze lifted to the mountain behind the dairy. He didn’t want her to go up there alone, but then, she had never gone alone. First there had been her father and then Josh. Alex would take her up there now. Josh was wrong. Alex wouldn’t think it was foolish or childish. He would understand. Then why was she so reluctant to tell him?

  The dairy door creaked on its hinges when she pulled it open. It smelled dusty and old. She flipped on the light and let the door swing shut on its own. Her footsteps echoed off the block walls.

  Toenails clicked on concrete behind her and panting announced that Brutus had arrived for his breakfast. She turned to greet the Great Pyrenees dog that had guarded the goat herd so faithfully.

  “Good morning, Brutus,” she said as she patted his head. “You must be hungry.”

  She removed the lid from a plastic trash can and scooped out some food for him. Dumping it in his food bowl, she watched a moment as he wolfed it down. After cleaning his water bowl out in the big stainless steel sink, she filled the bowl with water and set it on the floor near his food bowl.

  Flipping on the radio, she wandered into the barn. A few leaves off a bale of alfalfa hay sat in one corner, its pungent aroma fading with time. The rest had been moved to the mall of the new barn. Some of it would be used as winter fodder for the two goats she had kept. Both were pregnant. Her idea that they would provide meat and milk didn’t impress Alex. He said she could buy all the meat and milk she needed. Canned goat milk wasn’t the same and goat meat wasn’t exactly in high demand in this area. She still had some meat in her freezer, as well as some frozen colostrum. More than once someone had purchased frozen colostrum cubes from her to feed a newborn calf. The goats always produced way more than the babies needed.

  When she walked back through the dairy, Brutus was lapping water. After a brief look at her, he plodded back out of the dairy. He spent most of the day guarding the goats. As much as she loved him, he had never been a pet. Her parents had always cautioned her against making pets of the farm animals. Some of them wound up on the table. There were pets, though - cats and a little Cocker Spaniel that died two weeks after Mom died. After Dad died, there was neither time nor emotional strength for a pet. Maintaining a relationship with Josh was exhausting enough.

  She hadn’t recognized it as depression then, though. It wasn’t until after Alex arrived that she began to feel alive. Finally there had been direction in her life that had nothing to do with money; animals that had nothing to do with food on the table.

  On that thought, the horses needed to be fed and watered. Leaving the dairy, she crossed the field and then the creek, hopping from one stone to another to avoid getting her boots wet. Up the hill to the house she climbed, and across the well maintained lawn to the barn. When she entered the barn, Ed snorted and Princess nickered. Casper stuck her head out of the stall and eyed Carmen with anticipation. The barn smelled like horses and leather.

  One by one Carmen brushed them with a curry comb while they munched a breakfast of oats. Releasing them to the corral, she watered them and then opened the gate to the pasture. Casper was the last to leave the corral, pausing beside Carmen for an extra dose of attention. Her pink nose felt like velvet. The filly was mostly white with a few brown spots, almost the opposite of her mother. Both Ed and Princess were a red-brown color with white speckles on their haunches…typical Appaloosas.

  Carmen sighed as Casper finally moved away. The three of them headed out to pasture. They were so graceful, their muscles rippling under shiny coats as they moved. She had always loved horses. Yet a horse ranch had been a dream she knew would never come true. Everyone should have at least one unachievable dream. Alex had made the horse ranch dream an achievable dream. She’d trade it in a heartbeat for the one he took away.

  She turned toward the house. That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t his fault. He wanted children too. Still, he was content with adoption. The doctor could be wrong. She wasn’t going to give up that dream until she was certain that it was impossible. Mom and Dad hadn’t given up, and their patience had been rewarded with a child. She and Alex wouldn’t give up either.

  Her face warmed at the thought. What would it be like making love to him? For a moment she let her imagination dwell on the feel of that lean body against hers.

  She sighed. It wasn’t proper to think of such things…though it was certainly enjoyable. No one needed to know about her torrid thoughts, except God, of course. Still, thinking about it and acting on it were two different things…weren’t they? Was she really so different than Lori?

  She pushed the thought from her mind. Of course she was. Lori’s desire wasn’t born of love. It was born of lust.

  In his bedroom, she began stripping the sheets off the bed. Picking up his pillow, she closed her eyes and hugged it. The scent of his cologne was still on the pillow. What would it be like to sleep next to him…wake up next to him? Would they make love at night or in the morning…or both?

  She blushed and jerked the pillow case off. Why did her mind keep going back to that?

  After changing his sheets and throwing the soiled ones into the washer, she left the h
ouse. She’d come back at noon and put them in the dryer.

  Once again she crossed the field. By the time the chickens were fed the day was getting hot. Returning to the relative cool of the dairy, she picked up a broom. There was no reason to clean the dairy. She had done that when they sold the goats, but then she had been in a rush. Now she wanted to savor some memories. And so, with the radio on, she swept the floor and remembered the first time Alex had held her in his arms as they danced in the barn. Maybe it had been a silly thing to do, but it had certainly brought her closer to his heart…although she hadn’t thought so at the time. Would they have been married months ago if she had acquiesced? If there had been someone before him, would he have cared? Was he sexually frustrated, and did he think about other women?

  She tossed the broom aside and felt vindicated when it bounced off the wall. Everyone thought she was being immature about this, as if there were something ridiculous about the idea of a 25-year-old virgin. Maybe Mary was right…and yet, that would mean her parents had been wrong. How could people go to church on Sunday with one set of morals and spend the rest of the week with another?

  She snapped the radio off and left the dairy. It didn’t need to be cleaned and she was out of the mood. The garden needed weeding anyway.

  Alex was wrong. She didn’t have enough to do…not meaningful work, anyway. It would be comforting if she thought things would change after they were married, but actually, she would have less to do…and more time to think about what was missing in their lives.

  It was getting close to noon when Carmen finished weeding in her garden. Drenched in sweat and covered with dirt, she decided to go swimming in the creek. Slipping into a modest two-piece swimsuit with a full bottom part, she grabbed a towel and headed out at a brisk walk for the creek. Brutus came running out of nowhere, his tail curled in its alert position and his big tongue hanging out.

  “Aren’t you afraid the goats are going to miss you?” she asked, patting him on the head. “You miss the herd too, don’t you?”