Something Old, Something New

by Linda Louise Rigsbee

  The hand left her breast, caressing its way down her side, pausing briefly on her waist and then continuing down her hip. Slowly it descended, leaving a wake of tingling nerves. As he lifted her leg and began pressing his lower torso against her, she finally realized his intent.

  Forcing her leg down, she slid her hands down to his chest, gently pushing him away.

  “Don’t,” she said in a voice shaking with emotion.

  He was quiet for a moment, but he never released his hold on her, nor looked at her face. His breath was warm on her cheek. Slowly warm lips kissed their way down to her neck in a devastating caress. His deep voice was husky with desire.

  “I won’t go all the way.”

  They had already gone too far. She mustered all her emotional strength and pushed him further away. Looking up, she met his sultry gaze.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have led you on that way.”

  “We’ll leave our clothes on,” he continued as if she had not spoken. His gaze went to the couch and then back to her hopefully.

  The full import of his actions hit her, bringing a flood of warmth to her face.

  “Whether we have our clothes on or off, it’s still sex,” she said, squirming from his embrace.

  “No it isn’t …”

  “I don’t care about contrived rules,” she interrupted, pulling away from him. “or the modern definition of a virgin. I want it to be sanctioned by God. I want to make love to you, not have sex. I want to wake up tomorrow feeling content, not guilty. I want our wedding night to be special.”

  He stepped back, his expression a mixture of frustration and contemplation. Running a hand through his hair, he took a long deep shaking breath.

  “I understand,” he finally said, shoving his hands into his pockets. Maybe he figured they were safer there. “It’s like opening presents Christmas Eve and then wrapping them back up so you can open them Christmas morning.

  She caught her breath. Good analogy, except that was only part of the issue.

  “Kind of, except that in this case, God told you not to open them in the first place…and he saw you do it anyway.” She let her breath out in a relieved sigh. “I’m sorry. It isn’t your fault. I…lost control, I guess.”

  His laugh was short and strained. “I guess.”

  It was a moment that had gone too far, and yet it had turned into a learning experience. Maybe he was closer to understanding her point. Certainly she understood his perspective better. Still, it was a reminder that they must keep their distance. No wonder chaperones were considered a necessity in the old days. Even when they were both determined not to let this happen, it was difficult to avoid such incidents.

  On Friday the chicken house was completed. Once they moved the chickens, there would be no reason to walk down to the farm every day. In a way that was a relief, and yet it was a sad thought. It was the only home she had ever known. Leaving it was like leaving Mom and Dad behind. Of course, in a normal relationship, that would eventually happen anyway. Once again it crossed her mind how pleased they would have been with Alex.

  That evening after work, Alex examined the chicken house.

  “It looks like they did a good job,” he said, shutting the coop door and turning to her. “I’ll bring a couple of cages home from work tomorrow, so we can catch the chickens and bring them all up here at once.”

  “I don’t mind walking down and getting the chickens a few at a time,” she said. “I can carry four at a time.”

  He glanced down at her, his eyes twinkling with humor. “So that’s how you stay so slim.”

  Stepping around her, he stared down at the old farm. “It looks so lonely down there.”

  “It is,” she said.

  He swung around, his solemn gaze searching her face. “Were you lonely when Katie was there?”

  She leaned against the chicken coop and stared down at the house.

  “Yes, but what made you think that?” Her attention shifted to his face.

  “I don’t know. You just seemed lonely…like something was missing in your life.”

  She smiled up at him. “It was, but I found it.”

  His smile was slow coming. “I wasn’t talking about me.”

  “Then what?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know…maybe a purpose. You seemed lost.”

  Actually, she had lost purpose in life then. Everything was a struggle, and life in general wasn’t heading towards her goal. At that point her goal was a family of her own. That goal was no closer now, but every second of her life was enjoyable now. The biggest reason was Alex. Would she slide back into that lost mode? Was Alex so exciting to her because he was something new and different?

  She sighed. “I never had torrid thoughts about Josh.”

  “What made you decide to marry him?” His intent gaze was fixed on hers.

  “I didn’t,” she stated flatly.

  “But you two were engaged.”

  “No. By the time he asked me to marry him, I already knew I didn’t want to. Everyone simply assumed we were going to be married because we spent so much time together. I guess we did too.” She sighed again. “What a strange relationship.”

  “Did you kiss each other?”

  She lifted a brow. “Yes. Do you want to know all the details?”

  He made a face. “Not really. I just want to understand your relationship.”

  “Does it matter?”

  He shrugged. “I guess not.”

  She stepped forward and put an arm around his waist, gazing up into his face.

  “I think you want to know for sure that it’s over between us. I can only tell you this. When you and I kissed that first time, I didn’t know a kiss could be so exciting. I never knew how delightful a dance could be until you waltzed with me in the barn. And I never felt so special in my life as when you took my hand and held it at the old mill.”

  She released his waist and stepped in front of him. Taking both his hands in hers, she focused on his intent gaze.

  “Alex, I can’t find the words to tell you how much you have enriched my life already. I feel so alive now. I want to be with you always…for the rest of my life.”

  A slow smile worked its way up to his eyes. “For someone who can’t find the words to express her feelings, you’re sure doing a good job of it.” He kissed her hands individually. “Let’s go to bed.”

  When she stiffened, he grinned. “A Freudian slip, there. What I meant to say was; it’s almost time to inside.”

  He took her hand as they walked to the house and she looked up at him.

  “Do you have to work tomorrow?”

  He squeezed her hand. “Only until noon. I’m going to have the next two weekends off, so I told Dr. Worthington that I’d work tomorrow.”

  She gazed up at him with mock surprise. “Wow. Your boss lets you off for weddings and things like that? I heard he was pretty tough to work for.”

  He tousled her hair with his other hand. “Yuck it up. He’s getting ready to be your boss.”

  She laughed. “I think I know how to handle him, though.”

  His laugh was sardonic. “With a ring in my nose and a ball and chain on my ankle, no doubt.”

  “Alex!” She slapped him playfully.

  Thus their evening began on a pleasant note and ended much the same. Dinner was quiet and uneventful.

  The next afternoon, when Alex got off work, they transferred the chickens to the new shed without incident. The chickens liked their new run, which was purposely left full of weeds. There were two runs, so that grass could grow in one while the other was being used. The run was eight feet high and had a top, so they wouldn’t fly out and nothing would get in. A water line had been run to the coop, and included heaters. No doubt Alex still remembered the way she kicked around in the snow for the half tires, stomped them to get the ice out, and then filled them with water carried from the old farm house. He was spoiling her, but he insisted she had it too rough before.

  O
nce the chickens were happy in their pen, she turned to Alex.

  “Do you mind if I get a few rabbits?”

  He frowned. “Why? Don’t you have enough to do yet?”

  “Well, if you don’t want me to, I won’t.”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t want you to have them,” he said. “I asked why you wanted them. If you want them, get them.”

  She shrugged. “I like fresh rabbit meat every once in a while, and I like taking care of rabbits.”

  Shaking his head, he laughed without humor.

  “Somehow those two statements don’t seem to go together.”

  She kicked his boot playfully. “Says the veterinarian who envisioned steak lines on the buffalo.” She sighed. “My dad always used to say that every animal on the farm should pay its own way.”

  Alex grunted. “It’s a good thing he didn’t know you were marrying me, then.”

  She winked at him. “You’re one animal he would have been proud to have on the farm.”

  For a second he looked confused and then grinned. “He wouldn’t have liked my safari animals,” he clarified.

  Carmen broke off a long stem of grass and poked it in her mouth. “Yes he would have. He loved animals, but he spent his entire life scraping to make ends meet. He would have loved you.”

  Alex eyed her thoughtfully. “What about Josh?”

  She sighed. “Actually, he never liked Josh much. Strange, isn’t it? He thought Josh was a superb farmer.”

  “Does Josh like animals?”

  “I guess. He takes care of them…like he does his machinery, but he doesn’t love them the way Dad did.”

  “And you love animals, Heidi.”

  For a moment they looked into each other’s eyes. It went without saying that Alex liked animals. They were connecting the dots now, drawing the boundaries of their relationship. Why hadn’t she ever thought about their mutual love of animals? It had been staring her in the face for months. Maybe she hadn’t thought of it because it seemed inconsequential at the time.

  He plucked a long piece of grass and stuck it in his mouth, gazing reflectively at the wild hills.

  She grinned up at him. “I’m a bad influence on you.”

  His gaze came back to her and he pulled the grass from his mouth, studying it.

  “I was just thinking that you’ve had a decidedly positive influence on me. I never would have known how exciting a simple life could be.” His gaze came back to her face. “Especially when the right woman is in it.”

  Pretty words again, and yet, considering his history with women, maybe they were more than mere words. Whatever the case, they were either honest or meant to give her joy. Either way, the words were the product of a kind heart.

  Chapter Six

  Another quiet evening together brought them exactly one week before their wedding. At church Sunday, the subject that she was staying at his house was avoided. Alex had been taking her to church for a long time, so they were greeted together warmly and everyone asked how repairs were coming along on her house.

  One of the girls who watched the babies in the nursery was ill that morning, so Carmen volunteered to help. Alex went to services with Katie and Bill. Babysitting wasn’t something she had ever considered doing. Strange how a person’s mind could get set on something and see nothing else. Having children of her own was such a priority that she had missed something truly gratifying.

  As the congregation sang a hymn, a deep voice could be heard above the others, strong and confident. She smiled, grateful that Alex didn’t know he was out of tune. No one had the heart to tell him, and it didn’t really matter anyway.

  Gradually, the parents came in and picked up their babies until she was left with an 8-week-old little girl. The baby woke and started crying, so Carmen warmed her bottle and sat down in the rocker to feed her. No one was there to show her how to hold the baby, but the most natural position seemed to be as if she were breast feeding it. The infant stopped crying as soon as the bottle touched her lips, and started sucking the nipple. She made baby sounds as she nursed…sounds that aroused an instinctive reaction. Carmen leaned forward, softly kissing the baby on the forehead. It was so warm and soft, and smelled heavenly.

  When she lifted her head, a figure in the doorway caught her attention. Alex was watching her. His expression indicated he might be a little annoyed.

  “The mother should be here any minute,” she said quietly.

  He nodded. “I’ll come back in a few minutes.”

  He disappeared down the hall without another word.

  The mother arrived a few minutes later and as Carmen finished cleaning up the nursery, Mums and a few other women walked in. They herded her back into another room to discuss plans for the wedding next Sunday.

  Carmen had chosen the colors pastel violet and light gray, with the theme being hearts and the flowers being forget-me-nots. The color scheme was simple, but was turning out elegant the way the women worked with it. The last thing they discussed was her wedding dress, and Mums was still talking to her about it when they emerged from the room.

  “I suppose it makes sense,” Mums said to Carmen, “but where are you going to get one?”

  “What?” Alex asked as he joined them.

  “Carmen wants to rent her wedding dress,” Mums said.

  Alex frowned at Carmen. “Who rents a wedding dress?”

  Carmen’s face warmed. “It’s been done for a long time, but it’s getting more popular now.”

  “Why don’t you just buy one?” Alex said.

  Carmen shrugged. “Why? And wear it once? That seems kind of wasteful.”

  “So, give it to something like the Salvation Army afterward,” he suggested.

  “Why don’t I just rent one?” Carmen said. “You’re renting a tuxedo, right? It makes more sense for the man to buy his tuxedo. At least he might wear it again sometime.”

  His reflective gaze gave way to a smile. “Well, there you go, Heidi. Logic wins again.”

  She smiled up at him. “I’ve already made arrangements to rent one and I really like it.”

  He put an arm around her shoulders. “If you really like it, then that’s the one you should get.”

  He glanced back at Mums, who was watching them with a satisfied expression.

  “Bye Mums,” he said as they turned to go.

  It was the first time she had heard him call her that, and the tender smile on Mum’s face made it clear that she was pleased. Mums had apparently accepted Alex as one of the family.

  Carmen slipped her hand into his and smiled up at him. “I love you so much.”

  He squeezed her hand, his gaze troubled. “I just hope you never regret marrying me.”

  Hopefully he would have no regrets on that topic either.

  Monday morning while she was feeding the horses, Brutus was watching the hills with unusual interest. Occasionally he would stand and bark. Then he would growl deep in his chest. It was eerie and disturbing. The area he was watching was where she often saw deer in the early morning hours.

  “Brutus,” she reprimanded. “Leave the deer alone.”

  Brutus looked up at her and then walked back to the barn, lying down beside the door.

  That evening she prepared a special supper for Alex and dressed in the white sundress he liked so well. Putting the food in the oven to keep it warm, she decided there was enough time to feed the horses before he arrived.

  She fed the horses, hoping Alex would like the perfume she wore better than the horses did.

  As she turned to leave the barn, Josh stepped through the door.

  “Here you are,” he said, slurring his words.

  Carmen stared at him. He sounded like he had been drinking, but Josh didn’t touch liquor. His face was flushed, but his walk was as fluid as always.

  “What’s the matter?” she asked as she stepped away from the stall.

  His eyes were bloodshot and a little glassy. His gaze traced the curves of her body absently. “
Lori,” he summed up in a word.

  “Is something wrong with Lori?” She frowned up at him as he walked closer.

  He snorted. “The usual. You need to talk to her.”

  If there was one thing she didn’t need to do, it was talk to Lori about what was troubling them. She hung the empty bucket on a hook.

  “Josh, this is between you and Lori. It really isn’t any of my business and it would only upset Lori more if I said anything.”

  Not that there was anything to say. Lori didn’t want children. That was pretty straight forward.

  “It should have been me,” he said, for the first time stumbling slightly when he moved.

  “What should have been you?” Carmen stared up at him as he stepped closer.

  “The first time. It should be me.” Josh took her by the arm and leaned down, brushing her lips with his before she realized his intent.

  She jerked back and twisted her arm from his grasp. “Don’t, Josh. You’d better go. You’re drunk.”

  He laughed without humor. “I’m not drunk. I only had two beers.” His hand shot out and captured her arm again before she could get away.

  She stiffened, her voice gaining an edge.

  “Leave me alone, Josh.”

  He sobered, pulling her toward him.

  “He’ll leave you. I won’t.”

  She jerked her arm free again and turned quickly to get away from him. In her haste, she slammed her shoulder against the stall. Her shoulder scraped off the stall, catching the strap of her sundress on a board. As she surged forward to get away from Josh, a ripping sound followed her. She glanced down at her shoulder and saw blood oozing out of the scraped skin. A small tear was left where the strap had connected to her dress in the front.

  Josh grabbed her arm again. “Carmen, come here!”

  She twisted free again and darted around a pole, holding the strap against her chest so the bodice wouldn’t fall.

  “Leave me alone!” she gasped as she darted fro the door. She tripped over a piece of twine, plunging to the hay.

  Josh was instantly beside her, grabbing her arm and twisting her to face him.