Something Old, Something New

by Linda Louise Rigsbee

  For a minute after the patio door slid shut she stood in stunned silence, too shocked by his outburst to think of a response. Not that there was much left to say. The picture he painted was incredibly clear. Slowly the numbness wore off and shame brought tears to her eyes. No simple apology was going to rectify this situation.

  The smell of burning food broke into her thoughts. She turned, uttering an exclamation that came from nowhere. She clamped both hands over her mouth, warmth flooding into her face. There wasn’t time to dwell over her profanity. She raced over to the stove and lifted the lid. The potatoes were ruined. She turned the fire off and poured a little water into the cast-iron skillet to keep it from sticking. As she replaced the lid, the fire alarm went off. She turned the exhaust fan on and grabbed a chair, climbing into it to get high enough to shut the alarm off. It took three attempts, but she finally bounced high enough to shut off the alarm.

  Had this happened any other time, she would have suggested they go out for supper, but the roads weren’t the only thing icy tonight. Hopefully he would be calmed down enough to talk about it when he returned from the chores. This had to have been building for a long time. With a heavy sigh, she started supper again.

  An hour later it was full dark and he still hadn’t returned from the chores. The food was cold and she wasn’t hungry. He could heat it up if he wanted it. Leaving the food on the table, she decided to take a bath. Maybe the warmth of the water would help her relax before they talked.

  Later, as she was drying off, she heard the shower in their bedroom come on. At least he was back in the house. It was freezing out there. She dressed and went to the kitchen to warm up some food for him. A half hour passed, and then an hour before she decided to check on him. The bedroom door was shut, so she knocked on it.

  “Alex?”

  There was no light under the door. Her heart skipped a beat and then went into overtime. Did he go back outside? She opened the door.

  “Alex, are you in here?”

  A quick check of the bathroom and bedroom revealed he was not there. She put her coat on and headed for the back door. A thought struck her, and she turned to the garage. His truck was gone. Her stomach squeezed into a knot. He was upset and driving on ice. Pulling out her phone, she dialed his number. The phone rang and went to his voice mail.

  “Alex, please call me. I’m worried about you.” She hesitated. “We need to talk.”

  Snapping the phone shut, she shut the door to the garage. It was pointless to leave him a message. He would have seen on the ID that she was the one calling. If he wanted to talk, he would have answered it.

  There was little she could do other than put the food up so it wouldn’t spoil and wait for him to come home. Several times she had the phone in her hand, ready to call Katie. This was between the two of them. The last thing he needed right now was the humiliation of having people out looking for him.

  Another hour passed. It was almost 10:00 pm. Where would he go for this long? Was he drinking? It was a dry county, so he’d have to drive a ways to do that. Besides, Alex didn’t drink…or did he? Josh didn’t drink either, until he married Lori. Josh wanted a baby but Lori didn’t. Was their situation so different?

  As the night progressed, her fear became anger. If she did something like this to him, he’d have a cow. Once he had said she ran away from conflict rather than settle it. That was what he was doing now. Well, let him pout. He knew how to get home, and if he didn’t want to stay at home, he could go stay with Katie.

  She put her nightgown on and crawled into bed. At first she lay on her back, her eyes wide open. Finally exhaustion became sleep.

  At midnight he came home, changed into his pajamas and crawled into bed. He said nothing to her, nor did he touch her. For a long time she lay awake listening to him breath. At least he was safe. Maybe he’d be willing to talk about it tomorrow.

  The next morning it was daylight before she woke, and he was gone. There was no note, nothing. He probably went to work. But then, he had never acted this way before, so it was hard to tell.

  After the animals were fed, she went back to the house and started cleaning. She was cleaning out the refrigerator when the land line rang in the office. She picked the receiver up on the fifth ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Carmen?”

  It was Josh. “Speaking,” she said.

  “Who is the girl this time?” Josh asked in his usual abrupt way.

  “What girl?” Carmen barked. One thing she didn’t need today was Josh stirring up trouble.

  He snorted. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I saw him with a little blond girl at lunch yesterday. At first I wondered what happened to you, and then she turned around and I saw it wasn’t you. He sure likes to pick them young. She didn’t look over 18…if that.”

  “Maybe it was a client.”

  Josh snorted again. “Not hardly. If she had a dime to her name, I’d be surprised. Her hair looked like it hadn’t been washed in a month and her coat was wrinkled and full of holes.”

  One thought came to mind instantly, and it wasn’t infidelity. “Is that the only reason you called, Josh?”

  “I figured you ought to know.” His tone was flat.

  “Thanks,” she said in a tone dripping with sarcasm. “I trust Alex. Bye.” She replaced the receiver without waiting for his reply.

  Josh was probably right about one thing. The girl probably didn’t have a dime, and if she knew Alex, he had probably bought the food she was eating. He had always expressed sympathy for the homeless, but said he would never offer cash because he figured they would spend it on whatever got them into that situation in the first place. Odds were, after he made sure she had enough to eat, he probably bought her a new coat.

  That was Alex. That was the man she had been neglecting lately to spend time with the twins.

  She paced the living room, talking to herself. Alex was all she could think about. Come to think of it, that was why she started spending so much time with the babies. Not today, though. He wasn’t going to come home tonight and find her gone again…if he came home tonight. Her stomach twisted into a knot and her eyes burned with the threat of tears. What if he never came back? If only Mom were here to advise her.

  She grabbed her coat and headed for the garage. Alex had once asked if Josh would be the person she turned to when they were having problems. Now she knew. Josh was the last person she wanted to talk to. Mom would have been the first, but since that wasn’t an option, Mums was her second choice. If Mums was partial, it would be toward Alex. She stopped at the garage door. Maybe a good walk would stimulate her mind. She kicked off her shoes and tugged into her work boots.

  Crunching through the slushy snow, she walked down the drive, up the road and down the Reynolds drive. By the time she arrived at the Reynolds home, her nose was the only thing that had been activated. Blowing it on a tissue, she rang the door bell.

  Mums opened the door, and after one look at Carmen’s face, ushered her into the kitchen.

  “I told Josh he shouldn’t have called you,” she said as she poured two cups of coffee.

  Carmen dropped into a chair, tears welling up in her eyes. “It isn’t about that.”

  Mums sat down at the table opposite Carmen and nodded. She sipped her coffee, no doubt waiting for further explanation before commenting again.

  “It’s all my fault,” Carmen plunged into confession. “I’ve only had three people on my mind lately; me, myself and I.” She sipped her coffee. “I’ve been neglecting Alex.”

  Mums lifted her brows. “That seems hard to believe.”

  Carmen made a face. “I know. I was thinking about him all the time, until the twins came along. The first day I was with them was the first day I didn’t miss him something horrible.”

  Mums stared at her coffee. “And you thought missing him so badly was wrong.”

  “Isn’t it?” Carmen said.

  Mums lifted her gaze from the steaming cup of coffee and si
ghed. “Your marriage is young. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes by the depth of your love.”

  “Yes, but when he comes home, I practically attack him.”

  Mums smiled. “Is that what is troubling you? I doubt that Alex views it as a problem.”

  Carmen’s face felt hot. “No. The problem is that I’ve spent so much time with the babies that I hurt Alex.”

  Mums nodded, her gaze shifting back to the coffee cup. “He is sensitive about not being able to give you children. I suppose a man puts a certain amount of pride into the fact that he can father a child.” She shrugged. “I would have thought Alex was bright enough to realize that having the ability to father a child isn’t what defines a man.”

  “I’m sure he does,” Carmen said. “But he takes his role as provider more seriously than most men. He knows how badly I wanted a baby, and it hurts him to think that he can’t provide one.”

  Mum’s gaze lifted slowly from the coffee cup and fixed on Carmen. “But he can.”

  Carmen looked away. She didn’t come here to discuss adoption with Mums and AI wasn’t something she would ever agree to. AI was for animals, not humans. That wasn’t the issue right now anyway. Or was it? How could Alex know why she had decided to spend so much time with the twins, or why she hadn’t gone with him to Texas? He had been incredibly good at reading her so far, but this was different. She hadn’t discussed anything with him willingly so far. Either someone had pushed her into it or she had avoided it. How could they communicate when she wouldn’t discuss things? Instead of discussing this with Mums, she needed to sit down and discuss it with Alex. It wasn’t bad enough that she had humiliated him by reviving an issue they had already settled. She had humiliated him by hiding things from him, as if he were some kind of ogre who would punish her when he found out. And yet, even when he discovered she had been hiding something, his reaction was shame that she felt uncomfortable about telling him. Adjusting to marriage wasn’t easy for either of them, but she hadn’t been doing her part. She could only blame herself for their communication problems. Sitting around waiting for him to initiate the discussion was a continuation of the neglect she had already been pouring on him. Yet here she sat, whining to Mums about it instead of talking to him…giving him the respect he deserved. Hopefully she hadn’t waited too long.

  Her gaze swung back to Mums as she stood. “I’m going to talk to him about this if I have to tie him down to do it.”

  Mums’ smile was wry. “That would be interesting to watch but my guess is that you won’t have to do anything so drastic.”

  Carmen walked around the table and leaned over to hug Mums. “Thanks for listening.”

  Mums patted her arm. “Any time.”

  The back door opened silently when she pushed on it, as if she were in a dream. Maybe Mums had shaken her awake from a daydream and she now walked in the light of reality. Alex had watched in silence as she struggled with the issue of wanting a baby. He had swallowed pride when he found the pregnancy test strip, and then again when she wanted to work in the nursery at church. He had tried to be happy for her when the twins came along…even accepted it gracefully when she had declined to go with him to Texas. And then, all those times when she had come home late, talking about the babies. He needed her companionship, yet he had listened patiently. There was a limit to his patience, and she had crossed it. If marriage to Alex had taught her one thing, it was that life without him now would be smaller. That was no surprise. She had agonized over that decision before they were married. Yet since their marriage, pregnancy had been her deepest concern. She had humiliated him…made him feel less of a husband for what he couldn’t provide.

  Making the decision to marry him was the easy part. She wanted to do that. Deciding to give up motherhood was the hard part. Apparently following through with that decision was impossible for her. Even so, there was something else…something much more basic. If she hadn’t been so obsessed with the idea of having biological children, she might have seen it. More than likely, Alex did.

  Since the day they met, one thing had been obvious to her. They were from completely different backgrounds. In fact, their differences had been so great that she hadn’t taken his interest seriously at first. Before they started having children, they needed to get to know each other. She still hadn’t been able to talk to him about her place on top of the mountain. If she didn’t want to complicate their relationship with that, how could she think of complicating it with children?

  She stopped, sensing a presence. When she lifted her head, a horse stood in front of her. Her gaze rose to the rider and her pulse bolted as she met that bittersweet chocolate gaze.

  For a moment they simply stared at each other. Retaining eye contact, she walked over to him and put a hand on his leg, gazing up at his somber features.

  “I’m sorry, Alex. I don’t know what I can say or do to make up for the way I’ve treated you. It was inexcusable. My only defense is that I didn’t realize I was hurting you. I’d never do that intentionally. You mean everything to me.”

  For an agonizingly long moment his gaze drifted from her eyes to her mouth, and then back again. Finally the muscles in his leg tightened and she stepped back, allowing him to dismount. When he turned to her, she hesitated, waiting for any indication that he actually wanted her in his arms. He held the reins in one hand, watching her expectantly. Maybe he needed assurance as well.

  She stepped toward him, lifting her arms. That was all it took. In an instant they were in each other’s arms. She snuggled against his chest, feeling the warm goodness of him.

  “Oh my gosh, Alex,” she whispered. “I thought I had lost you.”

  He hugged her close. “Not likely. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I had no right to talk to you that way.”

  She leaned back, gazing up into his face. “You had every right…so many times, but you didn’t.” A tear rolled down her cheek and made a death defying leap to her coat. In the wake of its success, came more tears. “When you left last night and didn’t come home, I was afraid you might never come back.”

  He frowned. “I had an emergency call.

  “But why didn’t you answer my call?”

  “Why didn’t you answer mine?”

  “You called last night?”

  He shook his head. “I called today.”

  “Oh.” Her face turned warm. “I didn’t have my phone with me. I left it on the charger.”

  He shrugged. “I left mine in the truck on the charger last night. By the time I got back to check it, I knew you’d be in bed. Anyway, I was on my way home.”

  “You were avoiding me.” It started out as a question, but the answer was obvious…so obvious that he didn’t respond.

  She sighed. “Who was the girl?”

  He frowned. “What girl?” Comprehension removed the furrows between his brows. “News sure travels fast around here.” When she didn’t respond, he continued. “She was a homeless girl…kind of put me in mind of you.”

  “You’re so sweet.”

  He groaned. “I was anything but that last night. The look on your face… This morning I realized that the way I was acting would drive you right into his arms.”

  It was Carmen’s turn to be perplexed. “Who?”

  His lips formed a sardonic smile. “Josh.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I keep telling you he’s married now.”

  “Yeah, and I keep telling you he’s still in love with you.” He lifted a brow. “Was he the one who told you about the girl?” When she didn’t respond he concluded in a controlled tone. “I thought so. When was he at the house?”

  “He called,” she said evenly. “What was her name?”

  “Who?” His expression was bewildered for only a fraction of a second, and then he made a face. “I don’t know if she even told me. If she did, it probably wasn’t her real name anyway.”

  Carmen smiled. “So you agree that a relationship between a man and a woman can be platonic.”<
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  His gaze traveled over her face. “Oh, I believe your feelings for him are platonic. It’s him I don’t trust.”

  “So, do you think I’m easily led or do you think he would force himself on me?”

  His brows furrowed again and his gaze drifted off in thought. “Neither, I guess.” Finally his attention came back to her face. Leaning his head down, he kissed her softly on the lips. It was a kiss that lingered in an exciting way. When he finally ended the kiss and lifted his head, she gazed up at him.

  “Mums says a couple should never go to bed angry.”

  The dimple appeared below twinkling eyes. “Oh, I don’t know. If you’re going to be angry with each other, I can’t think of a better place to make up.

  He released her and mounted Ed. Kicking a foot out of the stirrup, he reached down for her.

  She grinned as she grabbed his hand and stuck a foot in the stirrup. “I suppose it is better than a lonely dirt road on a cold day.” She swung up behind him and put her arms around his waist.

  He kicked Ed into motion and headed for the house. They were both silent for a while. The only sound was that of Ed walking and an occasional winter bird song. They were nearing the house when he finally spoke.

  “What did Mums have to say about all of this?”

  Carmen laughed softly. “Nothing, actually. I went there to talk to her, but I realized you were the one I needed to talk to, not her.”

  He patted her hand. “That’s my girl.”

  She grabbed his hand. “I realized something else too.” She hesitated. Maybe it wasn’t a good thing to bring up babies right now, but he needed to know. “I realized that no matter how much two people love each other, they need time to adjust to each other before they complicate their lives with the responsibility of children.”

  He was silent for a long time.

  “Alex?”

  “I’m still here,” came the dry reply.

  “Are you ever sorry you married me?”

  He turned in the saddle until he could look at her face. “No.”

  She smiled up at him. “I’m so glad I have you.”