Roadside Bodhisattva

by Di Filippo, Paul

  “Yasmine, that was really, really awesome. You are the best. I never knew about half the stuff you showed me. Maybe more than half”

  Yasmine lay on her back, her boobs resting low and flattened across her chest. “Well, you’re still young, Kid. You’ve got a lot to learn. But don’t count on learning it all from me.”

  “Yasmine, I know why you’re saying that. It’s because you’re leaving for the West Coast. But so am I! I mean, I’m cutting out of Deer Park. I don’t want to be there any more. The whole scene has gotten real old.”

  She turned to look at me. “What about your best buddy Sid? Does he feel the same way?”

  I made a noise to show I was disgusted with Sid. “No. He’s planning to stay. He’s gonna settle down, says he’s too old for the road any more. We’ve pretty much ended our partnership. So that means I can go anywhere with you.”

  Yasmine turned to face me, rising up on one bent arm. The way her boobs moved started to get me stiff again. But I was afraid from the ultra-serious look on her face that there wasn’t going to be any more sex, then or ever.

  “Listen, Kid, you are awfully sweet. You’ve been a lot of fun at the Diner. I like the way things don’t get you down that much. You’re always believing that any shitstorm will eventually turn your way. That’s kinda charming, even if life doesn’t always come around to your expectations. And that sex was—it was what I needed at the moment. And I think maybe you liked it a little bit too.” Yasmine stuck her hand under the sheets and grabbed me. She made an exaggerated look of shock. “Oh, Jesus, not again!” But she didn’t take her hand away.

  Now I was aching and confused. “I did, Yasmine! I really did like it! And there’s nothing to stop us from going away together and doing it someplace new every day. I—I love you, Yasmine.”

  Yasmine sighed. “Kid, you don’t love me, you’re just crazy about the idea of having a woman—any woman—that you can call your own. But you can’t really call me your own. There’s too much of a gap between us, between the stages of our lives. I’m twenty-nine years old, and you’re—what? Sixteen?”

  I could’ve lied, but I didn’t. “Yeah.”

  “You’ve got a whole lot of stuff to get through, territory that I’ve already marched through. And it’s a bitch, those particular years. I don’t wanna redo all that with you, because I’ve got a big new scary frontier of my own to explore. Trying to make a permanent relationship out of one fuck between people as different as you and me is a big mistake. You see what I’m saying?”

  Again, I could’ve lied, said I didn’t understand her argument. But I found out to my surprise I really did. So I quoted some of the Prophet’s words.

  “’Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.’”

  Yasmine tipped her head and her eyes got shiny. “Kid, that’s beautiful. Is that poetry?”

  “It is. It’s from one of my favorite books.”

  “You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?”

  I was feeling all noble and big-hearted. “I am. And it was two fucks.”

  Yasmine squeezed my dick. “Let’s make it two and a half.”

  She went under the sheets then, and we didn’t need a condom for what she did.

  All of that went through my head as I got close to Deer Park. But these thoughts and memories of Yasmine were already starting to feel like part of my past, not my future. And it was notions about my future that had me mixed-up.

  Maybe I didn’t want to leave Deer Park right away after all.

  Because maybe there was a real chance for me at long last with Sue.

  Look at what had happened when I had taken my best shot with Yasmine. I hadn’t hung back like a wimp when the opportunity to go after her had sprung up. I had just acted spontaneously, stepped forward and presented myself like a super-confident stud. And everything went better than I ever could’ve hoped.

  This attitude was what was missing when I tried to approach Sue. I realized that now. Because Sue was almost my own age, just a year older, I somehow got more intimidated by her than I had by Yasmine, who just seemed like she came from another world. Sue was more real to me than Yasmine. Her opinions meant more. Yasmine was just a kind of beautiful dream, but Sue represented something real. So naturally I got all screwed-up and tongue-tied and confused around her. Because we had a chance for something long-term.

  Not that Sue was guaranteed to hop right into bed with me as soon as I turned my new confidence on her. She was still gonna be her old thorny self. I’d have to work hard to get her to fall for me. But if I could only make some headway with Sue, then I wouldn’t mind staying in Deer Park for a while longer, who knew how long? And that would mean Sid and I could be buddies again.

  The closer I got to Deer Park, the more excited I got about my chances with Sue. I wanted to go to her right away and start in on convincing her we were meant for each other, even though it was pretty late. But then I got a little embarassed about smelling like Yasmine. I hoped Sue would never find out about what Yasmine and I had done. I mean, I wasn’t mad at Sue about whatever had happened between her and Jayzee. But being a girl, Sue might feel different about stuff like that, especially since she had such a low opinion of Yasmine, and what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt me. And I couldn’t take a shower, because Ann and Sue were probably asleep in their apartment. So as much as I wanted to see Sue, I decided not to push things tonight.

  Back at the trailer, I came down from my emotional high and stumbled inside, totally wiped. No Sid. Must be with Ann. I kicked off my shoes, got out of the dead kid’s suit, and was asleep in about half a second.

  Next morning the whole world still looked different. I was totally convinced I had the world by the balls. Everything was going to go my way.

  Outside the diner, I spotted Sonny’s new bike chained to a railing. I was glad he was feeling good enough to ride again. I saw Angie over by the pumps and waved. He smiled and waved back. I noticed the grass needed cutting again, and looked forward to helping Sid handle that chore. Maybe he’d let me rake. I could almost smell the fresh cuttings.

  Inside, a good-sized crowd was being served by Ann and Sue. Even the stupid jazz from the juke sounded sweet. Yasmine had said yesterday she’d work two more weeks to give Ann a chance to find a replacement for her, before she left for California. Ann had agreed, but told Yasmine to take at least another day off. I was kinda glad I didn’t have to see Yasmine and pretend nothing had happened between us. At the grill, Sonny was the usual efficient short-order machine, sliding buttery eggs off his flipper while simultaneously popping up toast that was the perfect shade of brown.

  Sitting down, I said to Sonny, “Where’s Sid?”

  “He ate already. He’s in the back room.”

  Those were the first completely stutter-free sentences I had ever heard Sonny utter. They were pretty simple, but still. I was so surprised I didn’t register what they meant for a minute.

  “At the sinks?”

  “Yeah.”

  I went into the back room. There was Sid, doing my job.

  “What’s up, old man?”

  “Just figured I’d take my turn in the barrel, punk. Start to earn my own million dishes. Maybe show you how this job should really be done.”

  “You don’t have to do that, Sid.”

  “Have no fear, Kid. I don’t do anything I don’t wanna do.”

  “Well, that’s—I mean, thanks.”

  “Not necessary, Kid. Go grab some chow. Then there’s a lawn that needs mowing.”

  Sometimes I swore Sid could read minds.

  I caught Sue when she was resting inbetween delivering orders. She had half her ass on a stool and was chewing on a drinking straw. The way her butt hung partly off the stool made me think of nothing except seeing her naked, Sue and me
together like Yasmine and I had just been.

  “Hey, Kid. What’s up? Wanna take over my tables for a minute so I can grab a smoke?”

  “Hey, Sue. Can’t do it. Gotta mow the lawn right away, before it gets too hot out.”

  Sue shrugged. “Oh well, I’ll live. How was your walk last night?”

  “Excellent. I got some good thinking done. Today I feel like my life is starting all over again.”

  She looked at me slantways. “The funeral got to you that much? Life is short, that kinda crap?”

  “Not the funeral, at least not one hundred percent. Some other stuff too. Hey, listen, Sue. Instead of you cooking tonight for me, what about us going out for some fast food? You drive, I’ll treat.”

  “Okay. But after I gotta draw some flash for Bruno.”

  “I’ll keep you company.”

  “No way, Kid. I can’t concentrate with anyone hanging over my shoulder. This is serious work.”

  I didn’t argue then. Arguing was the old me. I figured I’d convince her after supper.

  The day went fast. At lunch Ann said she’d be giving out more raises if the business kept going so good. Sid said, “How’s that sound to you, Kid? Good enough reason to hang around?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Guess ol’ Sid knew what he was doing when I signed us onboard this fine corporation some weeks ago.”

  “No argument there,” I said.

  Sue and I went to a KFC for supper, down toward Angie’s apartment. We split a family meal. It was the first time I had seen Sue really eat bigtime. Generally she just pushed her food around the plate. I couldn’t figure why she stayed heavy. Maybe she had one of those girl problems, eating when no one was looking. Anyhow, I was glad to see her enjoying herself.

  She mopped up the last blob of gravy with her last biscuit and said, “Man, that was a nice change from canned and frozen shit. KFC was my favorite meal when I lived with my folks. Neither of ’em could cook worth a damn, and the only pizza place that would deliver in our neighborhood really sucked. Thanks, Kid.”

  “Glad you liked it. We can do this a lot if you want.”

  “Can’t indulge like this too often, Kid, unless I wanna graduate from farmer jeans to tents.”

  Back at Deer Park we sat in the car for a minute, outside the Lodge. Crickets made a racket in the dark, and the moon was up. It seemed pretty romantic to me.

  “Okay, Kid, I’ll see you tomorrow—”

  I leaned over and kissed Sue on the mouth. Her lips were salty. At first she didn’t respond, but then she kissed back for real and gave me a quick jab of tongue before pulling away.

  “That’s all you get on a first date.”

  “What about that night we went to Jayzee’s together? Wasn’t that our first date?”

  “Only if you’ve got the weirdest rules for dating I ever heard of. I’ll see you tomorrow, Kid.”

  She was out of the car and inside the door of the rental office before I could think of anything else to say or do. Since the migrants had come to live at Deer Park, the no vacancy sign had been lit up every night and the rental office had become just the clubhouse where Ann and Sid seemed to hang out every evening, watching tv and doing who knows what, behind closed blinds. I assumed that despite Sid’s denials, he and Ann were getting it on regularly, probably on the old busted couch in the office. I hoped Sue didn’t catch the old folks doing the nasty as she made her unexpected entrance.

  I got out of the car and headed for the trailer, kicking the gravel, feeling bummed and frustrated but maybe a little positive too. At least I had gotten a kiss off Sue, the first one since that trip to Jayzee’s. I had my hand on the trailer latch when it dawned on me. I was acting like the old me, not the guy who had fucked Yasmine two and a half times. Sue just needed a little more convincing, some signs that I really wanted to get next to her. This was no time to be pulling back, slinking off to my hermit’s cave like some wounded hyena. Time to be a lion.

  The back door into the apartment was unlocked. It was generally that way, so that Sid and I could shower when we wanted. We knew enough not to go in if the lights were off, but that wasn’t the case now. I tiptoed in silent, figuring to sneak up on Sue bent over her pad at the kitchen table.

  But she was nowhere in the apartment.

  I went to the door connecting to the rental office. Should I bust in on Sid and Ann to ask where Sue was? Well, why not? There was no do not enter sign hanging up, and the office was the public front of the business. We were all grownups here. They shouldn’t be ashamed, and I wasn’t going to see anything I couldn’t handle.

  The knob twisted easily.

  I was looking at Sue from behind. She was stripped down to her underwear and bra, and her new tattoo showed black above her waistband. She was kneeling on the floor in front of the couch, her wide ass that I had dreamed of was spread atop her heels. On the couch Sid was sitting with his pants off, hairy legs splayed, his head lolling, his arms flung across the back of the couch. Sue’s head was going up and down in his lap, just like Yasmine’s had bobbed in mine.

  Time froze for me then, turned into one forever undying instant that was like a million, million hot knives piercing every part of my body, but especially my eyes and my gut.

  Sid saw me first. He yelled, “Jesus Christ, Kid!” then bounced up, all wiry muscles except for his stiff dick, and lunged for his pants. Sue didn’t react as violently. She just turned calmly around, still kneeling, and swiped her forearm across her wet mouth before saying, “Don’t look so surprised, Kid. I warned you I liked older guys.”

  Somehow I found myself outside, collapsed to the ground. The smell of the cut grass that I had loved that morning stung my nose like garbage. I dug my hands into the dirt, catching a fingernail on a stone so that it really hurt. I ripped up two handfuls of dirt and grass and flung them into the night.

  “Ouch! Quit throwing stuff, Kid. We gotta talk.”

  I glared at the shadowy figure of Sid. “Get away from me, you fucker! I’ll kill you!”

  “Okay, that’s cool, let it all out. I deserve any name you want to call me.

  “You creepy geezer bastard! Ann was supposed to be your girlfriend and Sue was gonna be mine!”

  Sid sighed. “Kid, where the hell was that ever written down? Shit happens as it happens, not the way we think it should happen. Besides, I think Angie might be a little pissed off if I put the moves on his woman.”

  I thought I was going crazy. “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Angie and Ann have had a thing going for weeks now, ever since you and I busted him out of his shell.”

  “But I thought—”

  “That’s the problem with thinking instead of observing, Kid. It always leads you astray. No, the two of them are pretty serious. When Angie talked to his brother recently, he even got Vito’s blessings on the arrangement. Angie always loved Ann, even when she was married to Vito. That’s why he took Tony’s death so hard. That’s why he hung around afterward.”

  “But you and Ann were in the office every night—”

  “Not for weeks. Angie picks her up and they go to his place. I was running the office alone until we got the cabins filled up. After that—”

  “After that, you were fucking Sue every night!”

  Sid’s voice was calm and not even a little apologetic. “That’s right, Kid. How we fell into it, I can’t even remember. Neither of us planned it. A look, a word, a kiss. It don’t take much more than that. But what we’ve got between us now is mutual, and it’s good, and it’s one of the reasons I’m not leaving here.”

  “Does Ann know?”

  “We haven’t talked about it outright, but she has to know something’s up at this point. And a few little things she’s said make me think that what Sue and I are doing are okay by her.”

  I stood up. My legs were shaking. “Well, it’s not fucking okay by me! You promised me stuff, Sid. Whether you said it out loud or not, you promised me stuff.
You promised to be my pal and to treat me tit for tat. Remember that? Your famous rule for living. Well, did I ever shit on you by stealing your woman? Did I?”

  “I was never your woman, Kid.” Sue’s voice was angry. Barefoot, still in her bra and panties, she came to stand next to Sid. “I never led you on that way. But I did once think we were good friends. But now you’re being such a whining baby about who I choose to fuck, I don’t even think you’re my friend any more.”

  Ganged up on me, Sid and Sue were too much to take. I turned around and walked away. I couldn’t think, my brain was spinning apart.

  Sid called out, “Kid, where are you going? Don’t do anything stupid—”

  “Let him go,” Sue said. “He’ll calm down.”

  I just ignored them both.

  Where was I gonna go? What was I gonna do?

  I thought about heading to Yasmine’s house. But I realized she was a dead end. She had already written me off, not in a mean way, but pretty definite. We had no future together. I thought about going to Angie’s place and telling Ann everything. She was Sue’s guardian, she could make Sue stop screwing Sid. But I had a hunch that Sid was right, that Ann would just fall in behind him and Sue, approving their hookup. I thought about crashing with Sonny and Evelyn just to get out of the night, but that wouldn’t lead anywhere, wouldn’t change anything.

  Sid had everybody hypnotized, that was the problem. His line of bullshit had everyone convinced he was perfect, could do no wrong. I was the only one who knew what a crock of shit he was. Him and his tit for tat.

  Tit for tat. Yeah, okay, why not?

  I went back to the trailer and got all my stuff packed away in my knapsack. Sid’s pack sat on his bunk, mocking me. Looking around the place, I tried to remember how it had first appeared to me, that day Sid and I scrubbed it clean. Full of promises and light and excitement. Now it just looked like a busted-down old shitbox. But it didn’t matter to me anymore. I was gonna be back on the road soon.

  But not until I settled the score with Sid.

  I flopped down on my bunk, but I never slept all that night. Sid didn’t come back to the trailer. I pictured him and Sue curled up in bed until the image was burned into the undersides of my eyelids. When it got light, I walked up Route 1 until I came to a payphone outside a donut shop. I dialed the number that was painted on the side of the police car parked there.