by Drew Sera
I sat by him and tried to be a strong shoulder for him, but fuck, the poor girl must be scared to death. On top of which, Paul threw gas of the fire by suggesting that Colin and Anthony put the scars on her. I know this text was damaging to Colin. I just didn’t know what to say to him. It fucking sucked. I heard him take a deep, shaky breath.
“Matt, I’m not going to make it.”
I looked at Col and could tell he was really on the edge. His legs were bent at the knees and he had his arms stretched out on top of them. His eyes and mouth were tightly shut to keep himself quiet. He needed to let it out though.
I put my arm around him and tugged him so he’d lean his head on my shoulder. He was overcome with tons of built up emotion and it finally burst. The crying would make him feel better.
“I need her, Matt.”
“I know you do, Col. You have to think positive.”
I held him against me as he tried controlling his tears and voice. Movement caught my eye near the breakfast bar, and I looked over and made eye contact with Anthony. He looked tense, and I knew he was worried that something else had happened. He walked closer and looked down at us. His hands were tight fists, and I could tell he was storing up tons of emotions as well. He didn’t have much left in his reserve tank either.
“What happened?” Anthony asked quietly and cautiously. Anthony crouched down next to Colin and kept his fisted hands on his knees. “Col, what happened?”
Colin just shook his head at Anthony and wasn’t saying anything. Realizing that Colin was too upset to say anything, Anthony looked over at me.
“Colin got another text,” I said quietly.
Anthony stood and picked Colin’s phone up off the table and began reading it while Colin struggled to stand. Colin yelled at Anthony to not look at the text.
“Leave it, Anthony!” Colin moved towards Anthony, but I kept him from going closer. None of us needed a physical altercation. “Matt! Fucking let go of me! Don’t let him see that text!” Colin struggled to get out of my hold, but I kept him away from Anthony.
“Col, stop. You have to calm down,” I told him firmly while I kept him against the wall.
Anthony had seen the picture and read the text. It only took a few seconds. He set the phone down on the table and looked at Colin.
“Why didn’t you want me to see it?” Anthony’s tone was sharp. “Why?” This time he yelled while holding a hand over his chest.
“Because! I’m trying to protect you! You don’t need to see that fucking shit! Goddamn you, Anthony!”
Colin was shaking and Anthony still had his fists balled up.
“She means something to me too, Colin! You aren’t the only one that loves her!”
Anthony was pacing in front of the breakfast bar while I still held Colin’s upper arms.
“I know that! That’s why I don’t want possibly the last image of her to be a bad one in your head!”
“Fuck! Fuck you, Colin!” Anthony didn’t know what to do. He continued to pace and run his hands through his hair. “Why did you have to fucking say that?”
Things were going to get out of hand quickly if I didn’t try to diffuse the situation. I hated seeing the two of them like this. I love them both like brothers and while I didn’t think either would throw a punch, I couldn’t risk it.
“Colin, calm down,” I told him and pressed my hands firmly against his shoulders.
I looked over at Anthony; thankfully, he wasn’t lunging at Colin. Anthony was quiet, but I could see his chest rising and falling rapidly. He walked towards the guest room, and I turned my attention back to Colin.
“Col, you’ve got to calm down. Sit down.”
I brought him a glass of water and sat down next to him and tried rubbing on his shoulders to get him to relax some. His shoulders were tight, and I knew it was due to all of the stress.
“Why did I say that to him? I didn’t mean it.” I sat quietly and let him work out what he needed to say. “I meant what I said about trying to protect him. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I wasn’t expecting to see her again.”
“Anthony knows.”
It had been a few hours since the text and Colin was calmer now and had his head down resting on his folded arms that sat on the table. Around 11:30 p.m. Anthony came into the kitchen and had his shoes and jacket on. He looked at me and said that he needed to get out of the house for a while.
“Anthony,” Colin started to say.
“I just need some air.” Anthony wouldn’t look at Colin but had kept his voice calm.
I nodded at him and told him to be careful and to keep his phone with him. I felt uneasy though as I watched him walk out the door. Separation can be an enemy.
7
Saturday, January 11th
Anthony
I had to get out of the house for a while. I was so angry and upset over what has happened in the past twenty-four hours, and I didn’t know how to work through what I was feeling. I just knew that I hated the way I felt right then, and I had to figure this the fuck out. My chest felt, like it was being crushed.
Every time I looked at Colin, I’m reminded of what he and I share with Sydney. I hated what he said to me tonight. I couldn’t shake it from my head, and it made me feel like I could throw up. I thought that the best place for me right then, was out of the house.
Anger and sadness went back and forth, fighting to be the overall feeling. I remained irate that Paul took her from Colin and I. Sadness wracked my body and heart, and I couldn’t fathom that I may never see her again. But the brutal honesty of that was there, and it was crushing me. If she’s hurt and scared, then I deserve to be too. It’s only fair.
I stopped in the liquor store in the lobby of Urban Towers and bought a bottle of 190 proof Everclear. While I took the elevator up to my floor, I began to think about my alcohol preferences. I hated the shit and rarely ever drank. But when I did, it was to combat something really, fucking bad. The last time I drank was when I left Colin’s the night of Sydney’s first scene, which I was a part of but was a fucking coward. Now, I’m getting ready to drink again. This time I will be smarter though and not do it in a bar where a bartender will be babysitting me. If I just drank until I pass out, then maybe I’d sleep and be able to face the next day without Sydney.
I held my key card over the electronic card reader and pushed the door opened and faced a cold, empty place. My darkness. It was fitting, given the circumstances. My fucking dark world was waiting for me. Sydney had pulled me out of darkness and now without her, I was going right back to it.
I kicked the door shut behind me, headed straight for the kitchen and pulled down a glass. I stared at the bottle for a few minutes and decided I’d wait. This was some of the strongest alcohol around, and it was actually banned in many states. It was virtually odorless and tasteless. It would be easy to drop some in a glass of Coke and pass out on the couch.
I went to take a shower first but didn’t make it past the bed. I had to sit down on it. It was made, but memories of the last time I was in this bed took over. I brought Sydney here and made love to her the night before I went with her to her first appointment with Chris. I didn’t fuck her in this bed, but I made love to her, which was actually a first for me. Between the two pillows was the yellow sock monkey. I reached for it and held it up so I could smell her vanilla on it. I felt my chest cave inward as a large lump had formed in my throat.
No one was here to try to make me feel better or tell me “it’s okay” or to “let it out.” There was none of that shit going on here. I let my body fall backwards on the bed and felt sorry for myself. My heart hurt; my stomach hurt; my soul was lost. If I had to live without Sydney, I’d have to get used to feeling lost and empty like this.
I needed to do something. I couldn’t just sit. I went back to the kitchen with every intention of doing what Sydney used to do to deal with how she was feeling…write. I had a lot on my mind and a lot to keep my hand busy.
I can’t im
agine what you must be going through Sunshine.
But I need to find that place of darkness that we both have known before, that I have
known before.
It may be, no is, the only way I can bear not being able to keep you safe.
I have failed like never before.
Please forgive me for not protecting you as I promised I always would.
I was so fucking angry that Paul took her from us. I shoved the paper away from me and got off the barstool and began pacing. I was suffocating and needed to stop the pain. I poured some liquor in a glass with some Coke and downed it. I couldn’t really taste the liquor but felt the burn. I found the number to a sadistic Pro Dom I had met through Will years ago. I knew it was late, but I had a burning need to feel some amount of pain that would possibly be a fraction of what Sydney was dealing with now.
The guy’s name was Victor, and I told him what I needed. Victor belonged to a sadist club and that’s where he met Will. I just needed someone to pound on me for a little while. I needed it to be worse than the pain I felt over Sydney. Victor told me he could come in the morning, but I told him I needed it urgently and would pay him extra. He agreed and said he was on his way.
While I waited, all I could do was think about her. I took a few sips of the alcohol and welcomed the burn while I scrolled through some pictures of her on my phone. I had to set the phone down because the aching in my chest was becoming almost unbearable. I mixed a little more alcohol in a glass with some Coke, hoping it would take the edge off, but my thoughts kept returning to Sydney. How soft she felt in my arms and how good she felt with her head perched on my chest. I was in a daze when my phone buzzed with a text. I grabbed it, hoping for some good news. I prayed for it. I’d call this thing with Victor off if I knew she was safe. I frowned when I saw the text from Colin had no news about Sydney. I slid my phone to the side and rubbed my forehead.
CE: Anth, I’m sorry. Wherever you are, please be safe and come home soon.
Without Sydney, I was standing in my home. I had two great friends who I considered my family. Without Sydney, all I had was Colin and Matt’s friendship. I’d no longer have someone to hold at night.
Security called me and said Victor was here, and I authorized them to allow him up the elevator. I took a few, deep breaths and then took a long sip of the alcohol and Coke. I’ve never sought out this kind of behavior and never thought I ever would, being that I grew up around physical pain. Emotional pain is something relatively new to me, and I’ve never hurt like this before. I was having a hard time dealing with this kind of pain and didn’t know what to do to ease it. I knew Sydney was hurting and was killing me. I could stand getting beat on as long as it took the other pain away…even if just for a while.
“Anthony, it’s good to see you again.” I let Victor in and he set a black bag on the floor and shook my hand as if it mattered. “So, you want to do this here? I don’t want to mess up your place. It’s nice.”
“Look, I don’t want you to make a crime scene or anything. I just need some physical pain. But not in the face. I have to go to work eventually.”
I walked around him to the kitchen and opened a drawer and counted out one thousand dollars in hundreds. I tossed the ten bills on the counter and looked up at him. He had to be at least 6’5” and looked like a linebacker. I gripped the counter to keep myself from looking too nervous. He took the bills, pocketed them and looked me in the eye.
“For a thousand dollars and at this hour, you must be really desperate. I’ll make it real good,” he said to me with a cocky smile. A chill ran through my body as he looked at me and began rolling his shoulders. “All right, I’ll ask you the same things I ask all my clients. Do you have any injuries or places I should avoid?” I shook my head. “Do you have any hard limits or triggers?” My attention fell on Sydney again. She had limits and triggers. “Anthony?” I looked up at him questioningly. “You don’t have any triggers or limits? Anything I need to know?”
“No, let’s get on with it.”
“So, what will it be? Any preferences? Fists only or want me to throw in some impact implements?”
I didn’t care. I just needed it over so I could drink and pass the fuck out.
“Whatever. Doesn’t matter to me. Surprise me. Just not the face.”
“What about blood?”
I was losing patience with Victor.
“I don’t fucking care! Just, whatever! Keep it off my face.”
“Red, will be your word,” Victor said firmly as I swallowed my last swig of the Coke and liquor. I stared at him over the rim of my glass, and he gave me a challenging look. When I set the glass down he pointed to the couch.
I went over and stood where the couch was and kept my back to Victor. He kept mumbling some things, and I kept my answers as short as possible, only partially listening. I waited for the first blow. I thought I would have been more scared of what was coming, but instead, Sydney filled my head. I wanted to touch her again, hold her hand safely in mine and sit up with her at night.
My thoughts of Sydney were interrupted by a familiar noise. An unwelcome, familiar noise and suddenly my senses were heightened as I was trying to get confirmation that I really had heard what I thought I had heard. I turned my head slightly to try and pick up that fucking sound. The swooshing noise was my confirmation right before the fucking belt came down on my back.
Fuck! I shook my head as I stared out my window to the blurred lights of the Strip. It’s almost fitting in some sick ass way - a belt. I took a deep breath and gripped the back of my couch and took it. I used to run from this shit.
God only knows what Sydney is going through. Ow…fucking buckle. I grabbed at my side where the buckle hit sharply, stood up to full height and grabbed his arm in mid swing. He looked pissed, but I didn’t fucking care.
“Fuck! Watch the goddamn buckle.”
“You didn’t mention that as something I should avoid. Unless you’re saying your safe word, turn back around and shut the fuck up, Anthony.”
“Yellow. Better? Now watch the fucking buckle.”
He nodded his acknowledgment, and I turned back around and braced for the blows. One after another made quick contact with my back.
“You have a mouth on you, Anthony. You’d make a terrible submissive.”
I didn’t give him the satisfaction of a response. I just focused as best as I could on the lights outside my window.
“First time bottoming, Anthony? Never mind…you don’t have to answer. I can tell.”
He was bringing that fucker down like he hated me. Just like Bruce hated me. I caught a few on my lower back that made my knees give out and buckle against the back of the couch. I pushed myself upright and gripped the back of the couch tighter now. Those fucking hurt and being right around my kidneys, it nearly knocked me down. But it didn’t fucking matter. Sydney was worse off than I was.
“Need to stop, Anthony?”
I shook my head. I tried to roll my shoulders and stand up, but Victor roughly grabbed me by the back of my neck and firmly held it while he began swinging that damn belt. It was hard for me to swallow.
“You’re stubborn. Unless you say red, I decide when you’ve had enough.”
Bruce.
When the noise from the belt stopped piercing the air, he let go of my neck and I heard him opening his bag. I stood and rubbed on my neck. He came back over and showed me the black gloves he put on that had metal rivets and studs on them. He rubbed his finger over the fingers on the other gloved hand to show me the metal plates and studs he had sewn into the fingers. Sadist indeed.
“Will this be alright?”
“I told you that I didn’t care! What about that statement is confusing to you?” I yelled at him.
He grabbed me by the back of my neck again and pushed me down to my knees so that I was still facing the couch. I’d wear his handprint for a while. He held me by my neck and began punching and slapping my back. It really fucking stung with tho
se studded gloves. While he did this, he was telling me that I needed to show some respect. I’m sure it was his response to my frustration over his constant questions. I don’t know how long it went on. I zoned out for a few minutes, I think. I just gripped the back of the couch and took it.
“How about the dragon tail? I brought that with me, too.”
“Fuck, Victor! Are you fucking asking me or telling me? Since you’re bitching about what a lousy bottom I am, let’s take a look at your topping skills. I told you that I don’t fucking care what you do to me!”
Suddenly, things got out of control. After my outburst, he gripped my neck harder, grabbed my shirt and yanked me away from the back of the couch. I was off balance and almost flat on my back. I barely got up on my elbows before he put his knee in my gut, grabbed my neck and slammed my head onto the ground.
Everything in my line of sight went fuzzy for a moment and my head hurt a lot. Fuck, I think I hit my head really hard.
It felt good to shut my eyes. I faintly felt something hitting my stomach, though I had no clue what it was. My head hurt, and it was excruciating to open my eyes, so I just left them shut. That was short lived and my eyes shot open when I felt him straddle me and sit down on my thighs. He grabbed my belt, and suddenly Bruce and Connor flooded my aching head. The pain in my head was some of the worst pain I’ve felt before and it rendered me incapable of moving much.
The punches continued landing on my chest and abdomen, and with each hit my bare skin rubbed on the floor. I struggled to focus.
Wait, was my shirt off?
Fuck, my head hurt and I shut my eyes again for a second. He yanked on my belt again and I took a swing at him, hitting him square in the jaw. Through my blurred vision I swear I saw him smiling. The weight was removed from me, and I relaxed my body and shut my eyes again.
“You’ve got a little fight in you, don’t you, Graves?
I opened my eyes when I felt the weight back on my body. My head hurt so bad that I couldn’t put a sentence together to stop this shit. I was being jostled around, and I think I was lying on my side.