When You Make It Home

by Claire Ashby

  Although having the coolest brother in the world and a best friend who always knew what I needed didn’t replace romantic love, it certainly eased my desperation for companionship. I knew leaving Bradley was the right choice when I moved back to my condo, because in my own place, I felt less alone.

  Later that afternoon, I sat with Ellie while she waited on a bench out front for Jake to pick her up.

  “We’re clearing out the spare bedroom this weekend, so I can do the baby’s room after we find out what it is.” Her hands traveled around her belly as if she were peering into a crystal ball.

  “I can’t believe it’s time to do that already.”

  “Our twenty-week ultrasound is next Wednesday, and we want you and Steve to come over for dinner, so we can announce the baby’s gender.” The more real her baby became, the more real mine was, too. Ellie was so excited that I forced myself to perk up for her sake.

  “I can’t wait,” I said. “I hope we both have girls, so they can be best friends like we are.”

  The desire sounded juvenile, but Ellie cheered. “We’re going to have so much fun. You’ve got to tell everyone, so I don’t have to keep quiet anymore. You promised—”

  “Okay.” I held my hand up. “I’ll tell Steve this weekend, and then we’ll go from there.”

  Ellie threw her arms around me, and I watched over her shoulder as Jake pulled up. Theo stepped out of the truck, and I was hopeful for a moment. He shot a glance my way, did a half wave, and took off on his crutches across the street to The Tavern. My heart sank as I watched him go.

  “Don’t worry, it will work out,” Ellie said, referring to my talk with Steve.

  Jake stepped out of the truck and headed straight for Ellie, his handsome face aglow.

  “See ya later.” Ellie was lucky she never had to go home alone.

  After they drove away, I turned my attention to the door of The Tavern.

  I wondered if Theo was hanging out with the carefree brunette. He’d probably take her back to his mom’s place and feed her Mac and Cheese Hot Dog Surprise. Then, instead of watching old movies on TV, they’d have hot sex all night and sleep in each other’s arms till the sun came up. And since I was torturing myself, I allowed myself to remember how I put my hand in his and he held it for a minute before he pushed it gently, but firmly, away. I thought about how he touched my belly. I had wanted him to kiss me, and I was sure he could tell I wanted him to, but he hadn’t. I’d been completely foolish. He’d declared in the beginning that he wasn’t about to hit on a pregnant chick.

  I went to Steve and told him I was leaving for the day.

  “Yeah, you’re looking a little rough. You want to hang out later?” He peered at me with concern. For a beat I thought about telling him everything, but then my old friend Fear rushed back in, and I wanted to get away to worry alone.

  The baby’s father is not who you think…

  “No, I only need to catch up on sleep.”

  He looked as though he would hug me, and I stepped out of reach. I didn’t want him to meet my bulging stomach.

  For three days, I hid in my condo trying to get the courage to tell my brother what happened. Every time Theo drifted into my thoughts, I pushed him out. Ellie was right; I didn’t need the distraction. My life was about to change, and I needed to focus.

  On Tuesday, when I called in sick for the fourth day in a row, Steve expressed worry. I told him we should talk and asked him to come by when he got the chance.

  I crawled back in bed and tried to lose myself in a Gillian Flynn novel. Ten minutes later, I was still on the same page when someone knocked on the front door.

  “That was fast.” I stepped aside to let Steve in.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” he demanded, looking me over. I’d pulled my hair into a sloppy ponytail and was wearing baggy sweats. I slouched against the door with my hands stuffed in the front pocket of my hoodie. I’d grown enough that he should have been able to see my condition without me telling him.

  “I’m pregnant,” I blurted.

  His gaze dropped to my belly and snapped back to my face. To make it easier for him, I pulled off my hoodie. Underneath, I wore my old Dave Matthews shirt that failed to cover my bump.

  “Oh shit—you’re big!” He swiped his hand over his mouth, his eyes wide.

  “Thanks a lot.”

  “How long have you known?”

  I looked away and tugged on the hem of my shirt. “Over two months.”

  He staggered back, jamming his fists into his pockets. At once, I took in that I had done everything wrong. My sweet brother was devastated I’d left him out of my life. I read the anguish on his face as he turned away and searched the room. I stood there wishing my condo looked more together; the lack of order added to the evidence that my life was a mess.

  “Steve, I should’ve told you sooner. Ellie wanted me to—”

  “Ellie knows?” His head jerked up. “What about Jake—does he know too?”

  I nodded slowly.

  “But you couldn’t tell me? Unbelievable.” In three long strides, he was at the door.

  “Wait, Steve… I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” I followed after him. “Please don’t go.”

  He yanked the front door open and turned to me with troubled eyes. “We had a pact to always be honest with each other.” My little brother by minutes stood all grown up, towering over me. His pain from my betrayal left him visibly vulnerable. “I have to digest this.”

  He turned and walked away.

  When Steve and I were kids we rarely fought. Maybe that was abnormal, but the truth was that Dad and Nina worked long hours, and Steve and I needed each other. We couldn’t afford to be disconnected because that meant being alone. At times we did get mad. We’d call each other names and shove one another, but soon we’d give in to laughter. And with laughter came forgiveness. But Steve didn’t return my calls that night, and he didn’t come in to work the next day. No one was laughing.

  Ellie could have gotten him to see the light, but she was at her ultrasound appointment. Steve and I were supposed to go to her house for dinner to find out if Jake and Ellie were having a girl or a boy. I worried he might skip the dinner.

  Busy with the morning shipment of inventory, I moved about the store, checking on employees who were going through the boxes. When I overheard my name spoken in a hushed tone, I stopped to listen.

  “It’s break-up weight. She doesn’t need to worry about being seen naked, so she’s hitting the pizza,” one of the college girls on our staff said, twisting her glossy hair around her finger. She had her back to me, as did Hazel, our oldest staff member. Grandpa had hired her ages ago. She didn’t have any family of her own, and even though she couldn’t manage to do anything right, Steve and I didn’t have the heart to let her go.

  “I don’t know,” Hazel said. “I’m thinking she looks pregnant. When someone’s growing a baby they start looking fat, but only in the middle—like Meg.”

  I stepped behind a bookcase. I still heard them chatting from my new position, but I couldn’t make out the words over the pounding of my heart. I was exposed. Ellie was right: they were onto me. I spent the rest of my day hiding in the back storeroom, cowering in my office if anyone came near.

  At the end of the day, I slipped out back. I escaped into the rain and climbed into my car. I had to undo my pants. I was trapped with the truth. My body wasn’t going to let me be in denial anymore. Had my mother felt trapped when Steve and I took over her body? I pushed the thought away. I didn’t want to think of her.

  Tonight was Ellie’s night. Steve had better be there. He had to forgive me. The grip of regret weighed me down because I knew I’d been wrong for shutting him out. I wanted to take away the pain I had caused. No secrets ever again.

  E
llie practically vibrated with anticipation, flinging her door open before I rang the bell.

  “Look at your belly. You look great!” Ellie patted my bump. “We had the doctor write the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope, so we could all find out together, but I can’t wait. I wish Steve would hurry up and get here.”

  “Oh Ellie, he might not come. I told him yesterday I’m pregnant, and I haven’t heard from him since.”

  “Come on.” Ellie took my hand, leading me down the hall. “I spoke with Steve, and he’s okay. He just feels left out, and he doesn’t understand why you didn’t want to tell him.” She leaned in close, her voice hushed. “You need to talk to him. Get him excited about the baby, and he’ll get over it.”

  The second we stepped across the threshold to the living room, I saw Theo. He sat in the middle of the sofa with glasses on, reading the e. e. cummings book. I stopped walking so my brain could catch up with the situation.

  “Hey there.” He peered over the rim of his glasses.

  My words dried up in my throat so I gave a little nod.

  I should have assumed he would be there, but I’d been wrapped up in my own drama. I recovered and followed Ellie to the kitchen.

  “Ellie,” I whispered, “you didn’t tell me he’d be here.”

  “I thought you’d know.” She tilted her head. “You’re a wreck. What is it with you? Are you sure there is nothing going on with you and Theo?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. He likes to irritate me.”

  “Then ignore him. Can you help me with the salad? I want to go check on Jake—I’m afraid he’s going to peek in the envelope.” Ellie glowed in her emerald-green maternity top, with hair piled atop her head. She slipped out the back door to where Jake was grilling burgers in the drizzle. Unlike the last time I was at Jake and Ellie’s house, the pleasant smell of mesquite and cooking cow made my mouth water and my stomach rumble.

  I was at the sink washing lettuce when the swinging kitchen door flew open, and Steve and Theo walked in. I dried my hands, and Steve embraced me. My body settled into the comfort of his warmth.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” My voice wavered.

  He stepped back an arm’s length and looked me over. “I can’t believe you and Ellie are both having babies.” He tentatively touched my bump. “Honestly, I know you two insist on doing everything together, but this is ridiculous.”

  Theo leaned against the counter on the other side of the kitchen, watching my exchange with Steve.

  “Well, there you go, Meg—I told you keeping secrets was stupid,” Theo said, and Steve’s body tensed as he looked from Theo to me.

  “He knew?” Steve asked jerking his thumb in Theo’s direction. I didn’t move, but Steve read the answer on my face.

  “I didn’t tell him.”

  Steve’s eyebrows pulled together.

  “He figured it out on his own.” I pointed at Theo accusingly.

  My brother shook his head in disgust and stormed out to the backyard.

  “Gee, thanks a lot.” I turned from Theo, trying to focus on making the salad, but couldn’t resist casting sidelong glances his way.

  He picked an apple from the fruit basket and tossed it in the air. “Hey, don’t blame me because you excel at being deceptive.” His voice was casual, but I sensed undercurrents of hostility. If I were a dog, my hackles would have been raised; I was in no mood for his brand of nonsense.

  I turned to face him. “Oh, what difference does it make to you?” I snapped, shaking the paring knife in his direction. “Why don’t you mind your own business?”

  “Point taken—I’ll leave you alone. You don’t have to wave that knife at me.” He took a bite out of the crunchy apple.

  Tired of pretenses, I let my guard down. What did I have to lose? “Why didn’t you come see me again… after the other night?” I cringed at how pathetic I sounded.

  “You left without saying goodbye. I’m not dense, Meg.” His gaze traveled down to look at my belly. “Anyway, you’ve got enough problems, you don’t need me around.” His focus returned to the apple. When he took another bite, his lips glistened with the juice. As I watched him chew, my mind went blank.

  He looked up at me.

  “Don’t call my baby a problem.” I blinked and stepped back. “I overslept. I had to pick Ellie up for our doctor’s appointments, and I was late.”

  “Nice excuse, but you could’ve left your number,” he shot back.

  “You know where I work, you know where I live—you can come by any time you want.” My eyebrows shot up. “How was I to know you were waiting for an invitation?”

  Jake walked in through the back door with the burgers covered in foil. He shook the rain from his disheveled brown hair. “You guys ready to do this?” He looked from Theo to me.

  “Let the fun begin.” Theo tossed the half-eaten apple in the trash and pushed away from the counter, returning his weight onto his crutches. He followed Jake to the dining room.

  I took my frustration out on an unlucky pepper and a defenseless tomato. Why had I let Theo get under my skin again?

  Ellie came in with Steve on her heels and paused to close her umbrella. “I can’t take it anymore. I won’t be able to eat until I find out what we’re having.” She rushed to the dining room, leaving me alone with Steve.

  I focused on tossing the salad. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him glaring at me. I sighed, reluctantly turning to him. “Look, let’s keep it together for Ellie tonight, and we’ll hash it out tomorrow.”

  “Deal.” Steve took the salad from me, and we made our way down the hall to the dining room.

  Jake motioned us to our seats. “She’s tearing the envelope.” Jake hovered near Ellie as if she were a feather floating to the ground, and repositioned himself around her, making sure she stayed adrift. I wanted to know the pleasure of someone holding me up. But maybe some of us were meant to hit the ground. Otherwise we’d never learn to bounce. I could bounce.

  Ellie’s hands shook as she unfolded the paper. “A boy!”

  Jake wrapped Ellie in his arms, stroking the sides of her face, murmuring to her.

  “Congratulations, Uncle.” Steve gripped Theo’s hand. Then he turned to Jake. “It’s a boy!” They high-fived.

  I hugged Ellie. “Yours better be a girl,” she whispered. “I have a closet full of pink.”

  The festive energy made the time fly by. Jake, at the head of the table with Ellie and me on either side of him, kept the conversation going. Steve sat on the other side of me. The casual observer wouldn’t have noticed how much tension hung between Steve and me—except when our elbows would bump, and he’d jerk away as if I’d poisoned him. He cheerfully joined in with ideas and questions about Ellie’s plans for the baby’s room. I didn’t pay any attention to Theo at the other end of the table. Instead, I put all my energy into pretending everything was fine.

  After dinner we moved into the living room, and Ellie brought out coffee and a plate of her famous brownies. My anxiety slipped away once she sat with me and we compared our growing bellies. I had tuned out the men, only taking in the soothing melody of their voices mingling. So when the conversation turned abruptly back to me, it took me a moment to catch on.

  “Since everyone else here is already clued in, what does Bradley think about all this?” Steve said. The room went quiet. One of my worst fears hit me: Steve assumed Bradley was the baby’s father.

  “Not now, Steve,” I pleaded.

  “Come on, Meg, don’t tell me that even Bradley doesn’t know you’re pregnant?”

  He waited for me to speak.

  “No, he doesn’t know.”

  Steve’s jaw clenched. “Crap, Meg—if I was going to be a dad, I’d want to know. This isn’t only about you.”

/>   “Leave her alone, man.” Theo’s tone was low, but firm. All eyes turn to him.

  “Stay out of this!” Steve snapped back, and Ellie gave me a pained look.

  “Let’s all calm down,” Jake said.

  I got up because I knew I had to leave once I revealed the truth. Turning back to the room with my arms crossed in front of me, I took a deep breath.

  “Wait a minute,” Steve said, the hard look on his face made it clear he’d had enough of my vagueness. “I’m calling Bradley, tonight. He has a right to know.”

  I blinked, still trying to work out how to explain that part of the truth.

  Theo crossed the room to Steve. “Back off, man,” he barked, getting right in Steve’s face. “It’s not your place.”

  “Dude, I’m not going to fight a man on crutches—move out of my way.”

  “Steve…” I looked around the room, trying to mask my embarrassment. “Bradley did not get me pregnant.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Who, then?”

  “After Bradley and I broke up, Jason and I reconnected… on Facebook.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Steve’s hands were knotted into tight fists at his sides. “Why haven’t I seen him around? Did he get a divorce? Did you tell him?”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Meg.” Steve closed his eyes. “How many times are you going to let that dirtbag hurt you?”

  “Yes, he knows.” I nodded. “He’s back with his wife.”

  Chapter Five

  Thunder boomed as I raced, splashing through puddles, across Ellie’s rain-soaked lawn. Rain pummeled me and seeped through my layers of clothes. I fumbled with my keys. Shivering, I bit down on my lip. I flung the car door open and collapsed onto my seat, choking out sobs. I jammed my keys into the ignition, managed to start my car, but couldn’t calm myself, trembling as rain and tears dripped from my face.