When You Make It Home

by Claire Ashby

  He rolled me carefully next to him. Smoothing my hair back from my face, he kissed my forehead, my eyelids, the tip of my nose and my cheeks. He hugged me to him and stroked my back in the dark, dropping kisses along my shoulders and neck. Theo was attentive and affectionate, and I reveled in the moment with him, waiting for him to speak. And in the process of waiting, I fell asleep.

  When I woke up, he was sitting on the bed next to me, holding my hand. I smiled at him, confused by the angry glare in his eyes.

  “What’s this about?” His tone edged toward irate, and when he held up my hand, the light caught and sparkled on my diamond ring, still perched on my finger for the entire world to see.

  “It’s nothing.” And then I added more bashfully, “Bradley wanted me to take my engagement ring back, use it to get something for the baby. It’s no big deal.”

  Theo sat on the edge of the bed, holding my hand, staring at my ring. All the comfort from our night together slowly evaporated like little bubbles popping in the air.

  “It doesn’t mean anything,” I said.

  He winced and dropped my hand. “It means nothing? He picked this ring out for you. He wanted you to wear it forever, didn’t he? And now you’re with me, but you have on his ring.”

  I took the sheet with me when I moved off of the bed. My clothes were strewn about the room during the throes of passion last night.

  I snatched my shirt off the floor. “It’s not his ring. It’s my ring. That’s why he insisted on giving it back to me.” How could a stupid ring mean more than the night we’d had? “I only put it on so I wouldn’t lose it.” I’d located my pants, but still searched for my panties. I needed my panties; going commando was not an option when walking through an emotional hailstorm. Exposed, I longed for the security and comfort that comes from being snug in my underwear.

  “Well, that makes perfect sense,” Theo grumbled and walked out of the bedroom, leaving me alone to hunt for whatever security I could find.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Theo spent the morning holed up in the nursery. The room was off-limits to me, so I paced in front of the closed door. “Can’t we talk about this?” I hollered.

  “I have nothing to say,” he called back.

  I gave up and went to get ready for work. On my way out, I tried again. “See ya later.”

  I faintly heard him mutter through door.

  “Can’t I have a goodbye hug?” I pleaded. I was about to give up when the door opened, and he shuffled out on one crutch. He looked at my hand, on which I still wore the ring.

  “I’m going to see about selling it today. I don’t want to carry it in my purse and risk losing it.” On one hand, I knew I was giving him excuses, but on the other hand, the ring didn’t mean anything to me anymore. He was making a big deal out of nothing.

  His lips twitched and then curled into the smile I loved. Theo took me into his arms. The warmth of his body against mine eased my tension. He held me tight, and if I could believe in the message of his body language, I would know that he wanted me as much as I wanted him and that what we had would last through anything. But Theo didn’t speak. His breath was hot in my hair, and when I pulled back his mouth came to mine. His kisses, tender at first, became possessive.

  The front door swung open and Cortez glared at us.

  “Aw, come on, guys! You knew I was coming—tone it down.” He kicked the door shut and marched to the baby’s room, swinging a gallon of paint.

  Satisfied that everything was okay in the world again, I left the boys to work.

  I spent most of the day in my office, trying to catch up on piles of paperwork. Between juggling Ellie’s workload, shopping for two, afternoons in bed with Ellie, and evenings in bed with Theo, I was falling behind on everything. If I only pushed myself harder, I could get it all done.

  Midday, I went to Café Stay to help with the lunch rush. More than once, I caught women glancing from my ring to my belly. I knew the fixed stare of the single woman. We’ve all been trained by the princess fantasy, the hope of one day being swept off our feet by a handsome prince. The apex of the dream is the ring in place of a glass slipper, and the happily ever after is a baby on the way.

  I probably shouldn’t have been so comfortable being a fraud, wearing a ring that no longer proclaimed engagement. But I reveled in the approval of strangers, transformed by their acceptance. The whispers and looks stopped. Let’s face it; being pregnant alongside a devoted man was way more acceptable than just being pregnant. That reality was a truth I carried every day.

  Even Hazel agreed. I was lugging a stack of magazines to bring to Ellie’s house, trying to make my way to the front door, when she blocked my path. “There’s that gorgeous diamond again,” she gushed, clapping her hands together rapidly. “We were all so happy to see Bradley, yesterday.”

  Was that only yesterday?

  Perhaps I should have stopped right there and explained the situation. However, it really wasn’t her business, and Ellie was waiting for me. Ellie spent hours alone in bed, and she counted on my time with her. So I breezed past Hazel with a smile on my face. “Goodnight, goodnight,” I sang cheerfully.

  My approval rating plummeted at Ellie’s house. After filling her in on all the highlights of my dinner with Bradley, she fastened onto one detail. “I can’t believe you have that ring on your finger.” Ellie finished the grilled chicken salad I had picked up for her at The Tavern. Because Ellie’s diabetes diet was so restrictive, I didn’t want her to have to watch me eat. I’d scarfed down a burger in the car and brought in an apple to nibble on.

  “What’s the big deal? It’s nothing more than costume jewelry.” I shrugged, flipping through a baby magazine. “I’m creating the illusion of a woman following a traditional path.” That sounded like good reasoning to me, but Ellie, with her mouth full of lettuce, rolled her eyes. “Besides, I’m not keeping it forever. I’m going to hock it. Bradley doesn’t care.”

  “What does Theo think?” Ellie, being Ellie, brought it back to the real issue.

  “That’s the million-dollar question. What does Theo think?” I sighed. “Initially, he was pissed. But when I explained why I had it on, he understood.”

  Ellie set her empty salad bowl on the bedside table and sifted through the pile of pregnancy and baby magazines. She shot me a skeptical look. “He understood why you’re trying to look married?”

  “No, originally I was wearing the ring so I wouldn’t lose it, and he seemed to get that. Today at work, I realized people were less in my business, so I’m thinking I’ll keep the ring on for a while.”

  Ellie gave me a skeptical look. “I don’t know. That sounds sketchy, Meg.” She propped her expectant-mom mag on her baby bulge, mirroring me. The belly shelf—another pregnancy perk to add to the list.

  “Whatever. It’s a façade.” With the ring, I had stumbled onto an invisibility cloak and could disappear from everyone’s radar. Who could resist that?

  “Theo cares for you,” Ellie said. I knew he spent a lot of time with Ellie since she landed on bed rest. “I’d hate to see you hurt him.”

  “Please, I’m with him almost every day. We laugh, we have fun together, but he’s going to leave me. I can sense it. Once he’s done helping me, he’ll move on.” It occurred to me that I wasn’t doing a good enough job looking out for myself. The pain hit me all over when I thought about Theo going away. I knew better than to let myself get too close, but I had done it anyway. “Honestly, if the ring bothers him, I’ll take it off.”

  “Hey, check this out.” Ellie leaned toward me, and I realized she was ready to reroute the conversation. “This was printed in the UK and the title of the article is: ‘What Kind of Mum Will You Be?’” Ellie giggled. “What kind of mum will you be?” She repeated, embellishing the words with an English accent.

  The question fr
ightened me. My mother had thrown in the towel before we’d hit two. Then Nina came along and treated Steve and me like her favorite emerald earrings, something she carefully put aside until the right occasion when she needed to impress someone. But when she could get away with it, she wore her dissatisfaction at being a stepmother like a medal she had earned along the way. I wanted to do better than the women who came before me.

  I should have gotten a dog to practice with, or at least a fish. I needed mom training. Was I genetically predestined to fail as a mother? What if I created another human being that was going to go through life knowing she was not whole, because how could she be if her mother couldn’t love her? Crap. Wasn’t it a little late in the game for me to fall apart in complete panic over a simple question, with a British twist?

  By the time I returned home later that night, my condo was dark. Theo and Cortez had cleared out, leaving no evidence they had spent the day working. The closed door to the nursery loomed in front of a room full of secrets and surprises. I wondered what was going on in there. But I promised Theo I would wait.

  I went to bed alone and unsettled, missing Theo by my side. I wanted to get back to the place where we connected, but I also considered mirroring his withdrawal and putting up walls to protect myself before he pulled out on me. Self-preservation. I sensed his departure coming; I could feel it in my heart and in my bones. My thoughts kept me awake for so long that I was convinced I wouldn’t sleep at all, but after enough tossing and turning, I gave in to a fitful slumber. The rattling of pills in a bottle pulled me back to the surface. I listened to the sounds that were all too familiar: pills in bottle, a pause as he popped pills into his mouth, swish of water, gulp, pill bottle being tossed into bag, bag zipped shut. Then he landed clumsily onto my bed, wrestled himself out of his clothes, and worked his way under the covers until he found me. His hands moved across my body and I rolled into the warmth of Theo.

  “Mmmm… I thought about you all night,” he whispered, his breath hot on my neck.

  “Me too.” I was flooded with relief, which washed away when I smelled alcohol seconds before he kissed me, and then I tasted it on his lips.

  He pulled back and brushed his thumb across my cheek. “I worry about you.”

  I laughed. “You worry about me? I worry about you.”

  “But you shouldn’t.” He flopped onto his back next to me. I could barely see the outline of his profile. He sighed, sounding impatient. “You should worry about yourself. You see everything all wrong.” His words slurred.

  “What does that mean?” I asked, my chest tightening.

  “Well for one, you don’t see that I’m messed up.”

  “Oh, on the contrary, anyone can see that you’re a train wreck waiting to happen.” I slipped my hand under his shirt. “Have no illusions about that.” The truth was, I wanted to fix Theo, but if I couldn’t, if there was nothing that would make him well again, I still wanted him. If he was going to be in pain and medicated for the rest of his life, I still wanted him. But I couldn’t humor myself with the idea that he might stay with me. If there was one thing my life had taught me, it was that people leave no matter how much you want to hold onto them. Or maybe there was something about me that wasn’t worth sticking around for.

  “Well, that should be a warning sign.” He sighed. “The baby is going to be here soon. I shouldn’t be wasting your time. You don’t need my problems.” He took my hand and moved it from his waist to his chest. His heartbeat thumped against my palm.

  “Stop talking that way.” My voice broke. “I want you here.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my breasts and belly pressing against him as I clung to him. “Theo, have you thought at all about going back to physical therapy? There has to be a way to help you get better.”

  “Sshhh…” He took my hand and pressed kisses along the inside of my wrist; his other hand stroked my thigh. “I’m not done with my list.”

  “I don’t care for your list. I’m serious.” I turned his face to mine, trying to get him to focus, but he closed his eyes. “Listen to me. You’ve only been getting worse since you stopped going. Maybe we can find you someone new to see. I’ll do whatever it takes, whatever you want.”

  “Then listen to me.” He took a deep breath. “You need to hear this. You still got that damn ring on?”

  “I don’t want to get into it again about that.” I removed the ring and reached across Theo to put it on the bedside table. He gripped my hips, holding onto me.

  “Do not put that back on your finger.” He laced his fingers through my hair, making me look him in the eyes. “I want you… I need you to be mine,” he said.

  I leaned my forehead against his. “I’ll never put it on again,” I promised. “I’m sorry, Theo.”

  He kissed me then. Sliding his hand up my thigh and reaching under my nightshirt, he tugged at my panties. I wanted him to keep talking. I longed for his words. I would have held my breath for a promise. Any promise of a life with Theo. Instead, I helped him remove my underwear. He eased inside me with a deep sigh and I let go of my thoughts and responded to his touch. Our bodies moved together. After we cried out to each other, he curled around me and said, “I love you, Meg.” He covered my mouth with his palm. “Sshhh… Don’t speak.” He whispered into my hair, kissing me below my ear. “Just know I love you.” He held me tight against him, his eyes shut, and he murmured, “I love you.”

  I watched as he fell asleep, his chest rising and falling. I traced his scars, kissed his fingertips, and worried. I worried that he’d leave me soon. I worried that he would never truly be better, and I worried that with each pill he swallowed, I was losing a little more of him. The pills were taking his pain, and they were taking him with it.

  And when I woke the next morning, he was gone.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “How do you know if you’re in love?”

  Steve was lying next to Ellie, and I was sitting cross-legged at the foot of her bed. Sunday mornings were one of the few times that Steve and I spent together that wasn’t at work. He usually hosted brunch at his house, but with Ellie’s required bed rest, we’d taken our routine to brunch in bed. The looks on their faces suggested I had informed them I had dynamite strapped to my chest.

  “You can’t trust your feelings when you’re pregnant,” Steve said, and he failed to pull away before Ellie smacked him on the shoulder. “Ouch. Why’d you hit me?”

  “What do you know about pregnancy? Or feelings for that matter?” she asked. “You’ve managed to stay emotionally removed from every woman you have ever gotten involved with.” Then to me she said, “What makes you think you’re in love?”

  I opened my mouth and then shut it, unsure how much of the night before I should share. Steve cut me off.

  “See, that’s just it: If you have to think about it, it’s not love.”

  Ellie looked at him with skepticism. “When have you ever been in love?”

  “Besides with you… never.”

  Ellie groaned. “Well, loving me doesn’t count!”

  Steve shook his head, looking more serious than usual. “I’ll tell you exactly why it does count. Every time I think I love someone, I talk myself out of it.”

  “Well, that’s romantic,” Ellie said. “No wonder you can’t keep a lady.”

  “Wait—indulge me for a moment here. I know I’m not in love with a girl if I can talk myself out of it. When I was in love with you, Ellie, no matter what I did, the feelings were still there. I couldn’t escape it.”

  Ellie put a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Don’t do this. You’re breaking my heart.”

  Steve took her hand. His eyes danced with humor. “Give me your heart, Ellie, and I promise you’ll never regret it.” He tried to kiss Ellie’s hand, but she pulled back, squealing. He told her, “We can be gone before Jake gets back. I�
��ll raise your child as my own.”

  “My husband will hunt you down and kill you. Quit with the flirting! Knock it off so Meg can tell us what’s going on.”

  While they went through their routine, I thought about what Steve had said, and I decided he was onto something. “So how did you get over Ellie?”

  He shrugged and crossed his arms behind his head. “When I accepted that my feelings for her would never be reciprocated, I moved on.”

  Ellie giggled. “You mean you moved on to the next girl.”

  “Whatever works, my friends, this man will do. There are many women in this world, and I don’t want to sleep alone.”

  “So who is she?” I still didn’t know anything about his mysterious special someone. “Are you in love again?”

  “Tell us about your new lady,” Ellie said.

  “Like I said, I’m not big on falling in love, and you two don’t need to know who’s been sleeping in my bed.”

  The little one did a somersault on my bladder, and I got up to pee, although fifteen minutes hadn’t even passed since the last time I relieved myself. As I shut the bathroom door, Steve called out: “So, Meg, are you and Theo taking it to the next level?”

  “Nope,” I said sharply and slapped the door shut, stunned by how quickly I knew the answer. Even though I’d craved Theo’s declaration of love ever since the first night we were intimate, I couldn’t acknowledge what had happened the night before unless he told me he loved me again. While sober. Maybe I was being unfair, but I couldn’t hold onto words spoken by a man hopped up on alcohol and pills.