You Are Here

by S. M. Lumetta

  “I’m getting a divorce.”

  “But … I … why?” Growing up, I’d always wanted her to. She’d been undeservedly loyal to him, I never thought I’d see it happen.

  “Why?” She stared at me, incredulous. “It wasn’t a decision I came about lightly. A lot of thought—and arguments—went into it. I finally stood up to him. He always blamed me, but took it out on everyone around him, especially you … and me. After you left, that didn’t change.

  “And once Drew finally told me about you being alive, it all solidified. I was living as if I were dead, and that was hurting all of us, not just me. You boys are my joy, Sugar bear, and I thought I’d lost one of you because of my own cowardice.”

  She lifted my hands to her lips and kissed them before she smiled.

  “Please don’t be upset with Drew,” she begged. “It couldn’t have been easy for him when I would bring you up in conversation. I really did think about you every day. Truly, honey. Every day.”

  “I’m not mad at him, Momma. It’s not his fault.” I shook my head. I’d never thought of the burden I’d put upon my brother.

  She remained silent for a moment before speaking again. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, Grey. I can’t undo the past, but I’d like to start over somewhere if you’ll let me.”

  I hated to admit it, but I knew what she meant. It was like looking at myself, asking Drew and Nash for forgiveness, to accept me as I was now.

  “Baby?” Lucie’s quiet voice coupled with her gentle touch wrapped itself around me. She placed her chin on my shoulder and settled her arms around my upper torso. A hand rested on my heart. I began to calm. I took a deep breath and turned to kiss her.

  “Momma, this is Lucie, my wife, my angel, my love.”

  Gleefully, my mother reached across the table and grasped Lucie’s hand. “I have heard so much about you, sweet pea. Thank you for taking such good care of him. It’s so wonderful to meet you.”

  Lucie beamed. “It’s so nice to meet you, Claire,” she said. “I’ll have you know that he takes excellent care of me, too. Even if he won’t admit as much.”

  She grabbed my face and kissed me again. “Excellent,” she reiterated.

  “He was always a thoughtful child,” my mother said. “I never doubted he would treat a lady well.”

  The screen door slid open, and Drew emerged from the house with a huge tray of grillables, followed by Charlotte’s parents, and Vivi’s brother Holden and his husband, Jeff. Charlotte was just behind them, a fussing Edie in her arms and a hyper Gibson at her heels. As soon as she saw Lucie and me, Edie started making those adorable anticipatory happy grunts. Charlotte laughed and handed her to me.

  “Daddy’s girl,” she mumbled, offering me a wink.

  I waved to Holden and Jeff as Lucie jumped up to hug them. Holden came to shake my hand, wishing me a happy Father’s Day.

  “Hopefully for you two someday soon, yeah?” I offered. They were waiting on a decision from some potential surrogates.

  “Fingers crossed!” he said. “Our number one choice should be getting back to us any day.”

  Gibson ran up to him then and dragged him away to play monsters or something that included lots of growling. In my arms, Edie babbled happily, slapping playfully on my chest as Lucie sat back down next to us.

  “This,” I said, turning Edie to face my mother, “is your granddaughter, Edie Vivianne Sawyer.”

  My mother stared at me in awe before speaking. “Sawyer?”

  I chewed on my lip. “Yeah, we’re all Sawyers now. It was the only name I felt comfortable with.”

  She fought to stem her tears as she regarded me warmly. “It fits you better,” she declared, clipping the extra emotion away.

  At that moment, Nash charged through the gate into the backyard in his typical I-own-this-joint style. “’Sup, kids?”

  Vivi sauntered behind him, performing her normal eye roll with an uncharacteristically huge smile. “Hey,” she added. “Happy Father’s Day!”

  I nodded. Drew, who was standing close by, kissed her cheek and slapped Nash on the back before putting a beer in his hand. Gibson ran up and punched Nash in the thigh.

  “’Sup, Nash!” he yelled and ran away.

  “Are you using that kid to get back at me, Andrea?” he asked Drew, jutting his chin toward the boy. “I think he bruised me.”

  Drew smiled. “Clearly I taught him well.”

  “Heyyy, Mrs. E!” Nash boomed. “For a second, I thought I was a teenager again. Then, I remembered we kids were all married and responsible.”

  “Ish,” I cut in.

  “Dick,” he retorted under his breath. “When’d you get in town, Claire?”

  “Last night,” she said, smiling, her attention still captured by Edie. My mother reached across and held out her index fingers for Edie to grasp, which she did. I lifted her bottom so she sat on the tabletop, holding her sides steady.

  “It was a … surprise.” My mother looked up at me, offering a grateful smile.

  I smiled back, letting the little boy who’d missed her shine through just a little.

  “Well, it’s good to see ya, lady,” he said, patting her back and leaning down to kiss her cheek. “I hope Tennessee’s treating ya good. You’re looking hot.”

  “Nash, you’re more full o’ shit than a pig pen,” she replied, clearly amused. “Knoxville is lovely, but I think I’d like to move back to New York to be near my boys … and girls.”

  She looked between the lot of us before wrenching a finger away from Edie to ruffle Drew’s mess of hair as he sat down next to her.

  Nash looked at me and raised an eyebrow in question. He knew I’d had no contact with her since I’d been “back,” so I nodded to indicate I was okay. He took it at face value, stepping back and slinging an arm around Vivi.

  “Okay, attention, attention! That means shut it!”

  “Holy hell,” Vivi groaned. “As if you speak softly enough for anyone to ignore you.”

  “Shush, woman, I’m making the announcement!”

  “I think I’m deaf,” I muttered to Lucie, who snorted and put her hands over Edie’s ears in case Nash kept shouting.

  “I’m pregnant!” Vivi jumped in, completely stealing Nash’s thunder—and clearly enjoying it.

  Nash roared. “Oh, come on!”

  “Just passed into the second trimester,” she continued, rubbing a circle on a barely protruding bump.

  Charlotte and Lucie erupted in that high-pitched girlie-squeal that rendered mere mortal men paralyzed. Drew and I shared a look of pain as we rubbed our ears. Our wives jumped up and ran to hug her. Congratulations were said all around, handshakes and hugs delivered.

  “I’m pretty sure it was my super sperm that sealed the deal. Clinics beg me to donate—I could be the father of nations.”

  “Ew,” Lucie grunted, frowning in disgust.

  “Seriously,” I agreed. We both cackled.

  Vivi smacked Nash on the back of the head.

  “Oh,” he continued, undeterred, “did we mention, twins?”

  Everyone’s eyes grew wide and mouths dropped. Lucie and Charlotte returned to their squealing state as congratulations recirculated.

  “Okay, now you’re just trying to show everyone up,” Drew said, bumping Nash with an elbow.

  Charlotte hugged Drew’s side. “I really hope they look like Vivi,” she teased.

  Nash’s eyes narrowed. “Give me a fucking break!” he shouted, possibly legitimately insulted. “I am hot.”

  She reached out to slap him playfully across the face “Duuuude, certain young ears love to emulate their uncle Nash. So put a leash on the language, ’kay? Thanks.”

  “Busted,” I singsonged. Lucie flicked my ear. “What?”

  “Whose mouth was I threatening to wash out with soap earlier?” she asked.

  “I knew it,” Nash cut in. “He’s a dirty talker, ain’t he?”

  Everyone groaned.

  Holden tossed a
chewed-up dog toy at him. Nash gagged when he realized it was slimy, to boot. He threw it back at Holden.

  “Nash,” I said, revulsion plain in my tone. “My mother is right there.”

  Lucie cupped a hand at her mouth and stage-whispered in Nash’s direction, “Yes!”

  I stared at her, mouth hanging open. She widened her eyes and played innocent. I heard snickers and chuckles all around us.

  I shrugged and sighed, “Absolutely no love.”

  “On the contrary,” she said, leaning into me and linking her arms around my waist, “You have so much love, baby. So much.”

  I shook my head and kissed her, reveling in a moment of pure contentment.

  When my mother timidly asked to hold Edie, I paused long enough to see the rejection set in. “Sure,” I said, finally. “I mean, of course.”

  When I handed my daughter to her, my mom’s face lit up. She began to bounce her granddaughter on her lap and coo grandmotherly nonsense at her. Edie ate it up.

  The afternoon became a constant lazy volley between contentment and tension for me, like aftershocks of stress. It was an understatement to say it was a memorable first Father’s Day for me.

  Something in my heart had finally settled—something I hadn’t thought I needed to address. But you can’t plan to be happy without stumbling over the reasons that remind you why you should be. Those reasons are what make you work a little harder.

  I still didn’t believe I deserved the life and love I’d been graced with, given the road I took to get here, but perhaps I had begun to earn it.

  THE END

  Acknowledgements

  It has been a long road to get here. FINALLY. But I very clearly wouldn’t have made it without the vital support of several people.

  First and foremost, Mom. No one on earth believes in me the way you do. If anyone could take credit for keeping me afloat, it would be you.

  Daddio, TheHef, you both are the ultimate parental supports.

  Lisa, for being my self-adopted sister and all the gruesome feels that job entails … like sharing a brain. Starfishloveyou!

  Erin, for every “idea.”

  Dawn, for reading days, foulmouthed skits, and road trips.

  Deb, for your unwavering love of this story that gave me confidence to continue it when I had little left.

  Helena, for your amazing friendship and font of authoriffic knowledge.

  Neens, for your awesome, hilarious, and invaluable friendship.

  My filets: thank you for keeping our little circle a place of love and support. Assgrabs and boob squeezes for all of you: Debra, Katherine, Leisa, Helena, Erika, Amanda, Nina, Alice. I will keep coming up with retreat (read: escape) ideas until it happens. If we are all on old-lady scooters by then, so be it.

  Kayla and my Writer’s Collective critique group, for your unflinching and excellent feedback.

  Janine and the Write Divas, for your sharp red pen and manuscript spotlight.

  Marla, for your eagle eyes.

  CP Smith, for putting my mess in order.

  Last, but certainly not least, massive love and hugs for everyone of you that came from the Twilight Fandom. If not for this crazy and awesome community I’m so proud to be a part of, I would not have made it back to the belief I could be an author.