The Perpetual Quest for the Perfect Life

by Pace, Michelle

  As she fought off hyperventilation, her eyes raked over the shrine of gifts left for Ryan. Amongst the flowers that lay in various states of decay were scattered offerings such as a faded Vikings pennant, a toy car, a waterproof frame with a picture of Ike, and a bottle of Red Headed Woman that looked brand new. Realization crippled her. Ryan would never taste Mitch’s brew. He’d never hold Ike, or see him play ball. He was gone and never coming back. She tried to cover the sob that escaped her as she read his epitaph.

  It’s not the length of life, but the depth. Ryan jumped into life and never touched bottom.

  She fell onto her back and curled into the fetal position on the wet ground six feet above her brother’s casket. Snow swirled around her as a feral wail erupted from her.

  As Avery pulled into her driveway, she saw Shilah placing his bags in the trunk. Freezing to the bone and drained dry of tears, she stared at him numbly. Finally, she opened the car door and climbed out.

  Exhausted from the run and the heartache in the desolate cemetery, she leaned against her car for support. Her throat ached from the sobs and screams, and she struggled with what to say. Shilah slammed his trunk shut and turned to her. He folded his arms, a frown marring his handsome face.

  “What the hell? Why are you soaking wet?” he asked.

  Avery couldn’t find her voice and had she been able to, she didn’t know where to begin.

  “I’m going back to the hotel.”

  Avery looked at her muddy shoes. She had expected the blow, but it hurt nonetheless.

  “I don’t play games, and I won’t be shut out. I can’t keep trying to build something with you if you won’t let me in.”

  He opened his car door and climbed in. Avery released a long breath, not sure if it was relief or panic she was feeling. She pushed off from her car and walked slowly to Shilah, who rolled down his window. Knowing she should say something to him, she opened her mouth, but she couldn’t put the words together. Shilah’s eyes seemed to battle with anger and sadness at the same time. He smirked.

  “As usual, Avery Harper is keeping the cards she’s been dealt close to her chest.” He threw the car in reverse and sped off.

  Deflated, she watched his car disappear around the bend in the road. She looked after him long after he was out of sight. She turned to her large home, surveying it levelly. She needed to put it on the market. Since the day she bought it, her luck had changed for the worse.

  She took a long hot shower and bundled herself in warm, dry clothes. She lit a fire, poured a glass of chardonnay. After her second glass, she moved to the closet and retrieved Ryan’s box from the hospital, placing it on her coffee table.

  She sat back on the couch and tucked her legs under herself. She poured a third glass of wine and stared at the box as if it were a ticking bomb. She allowed herself to remember the last conversation she’d had with Ryan.

  Avery had been thrilled to find out she was pregnant. She and Jason had just gotten engaged, and they would have to move up the wedding date, but Avery could live with that. When she finally went to the OB, her heart was broken when she was told they didn’t see a heartbeat. They told her she’d miscarry, and it was best to let her body do it on its own if she wanted to have a family in the future. She’d gone home and cried to Jason, who seemed relieved. He didn’t cancel his poker trip, and naturally the day after he left for Vegas, she started bleeding. Unsure what to do next she called Ryan. Ryan spent an hour on the phone with her, talking her through what to expect, and instructing her on when to seek help.

  “Tell Jason that when I get home I’m going to take him out back and kick his ass.”

  “You just focus on your own family. You have enough going on without worrying about me.”

  “You wanna talk to Nicole?”

  “There’s no way I’m stressing her out with this right now. Don’t you tell her either.”

  “They said they’ll induce her the day after tomorrow if she doesn’t go into labor first. God, I can’t wait to meet the little guy.” Nic and Ryan knew they were having a son.

  “Me neither.” Her voice was soft and sad.

  “Shit, Avery. I’m such a dick. The timing of this just sucks. I wish to God we lived closer. I hate that you have to go through this by yourself.”

  “Just tell Nicole to have that baby already so you can come home. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Love ya, sis.”

  “Love you, too.”

  Ryan was killed nine days later, just before they were set to come home.

  Avery wiped the tears from her cheeks and grabbed her keys from her purse. She used the teeth of her key to pop open the tape, desperately needing to see what was inside.

  The contents were benign: a laptop, black and blue pens, post-its, a leather-bound notebook, a snapshot of Nic and several of Ike as a newborn, and several stamped birth announcements (blue envelopes with baby feet stamps). Avery noticed one of the birth announcements was larger and bulkier and when she picked it up, she could tell it had a disc inside. She turned it over, and saw it was addressed to Aaron. She dug a little further in the box, found the charging cord to the laptop and plugged it in. She turned the box upside down and an open pack of grape gum fell out. She turned Aaron’s invitation over in her hands several times and picked up her phone, dialing his number.

  “Hey.” He sounded chipper.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m on my way to Nicole’s.”

  “Change of plans. I need you to come here. Alone.”

  “If I had a nickel…”

  “I’m not in the mood, Aaron.”

  “Well, that’s probably for the best, because I only like you as a friend.”

  She sighed loudly.

  “All right, I’m on my way. Do I need to bring anything?”

  “Beer. Lots of it.”

  After hanging up with Avery, Aaron made a quick call to Nicole to let her know he’d be late. He’d been at her house nightly, always leaving very early in the morning before Ike woke. He held fast as she battled the emotional roller coaster that revolved around them coming out as a couple. Torn between elation and anxiety, Nicole clung to him like a life raft. Watching her cry over the disapproval of the peanut gallery made him want to punch someone or something, but the issues were so abstract and widespread, he had no solid target to direct his anger toward.

  He stopped at the gas station and bought a case of beer, arriving at Avery’s ten minutes after they’d talked. He rang the doorbell, and shouted, “Special delivery!”

  The smile faded from his face when she opened the door. Her eyes were bloodshot and she wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup for the first time since seventh grade. She flung the door open wide, allowing him entrance.

  “What in the hell?” he asked. She took the beer and ripped it open, handing him one.

  “Nah, I have to drive.”

  “Suit yourself.” She popped the beer and took a drink as she led him into her living room.

  He looked around the room and saw a pile of things on her coffee table next to a box that said “Ryan’s Locker.” His stomach tied itself in a double knot. They sat down on her couch and Avery handed him a blue envelope.

  “This is addressed to you. It was in Ryan’s locker at the hospital when he died.”

  He regarded the envelope with apprehension.

  “I’ll take it with me and open it later. I really need to get to Nicole’s.”

  “Aaron. I know how selfish this sounds. I could have opened this without you—I wanted to. But it’s yours. I just really want to know what’s inside. I need to see it and I think you do, too.”

  Her grim expression convinced him to appease her. He ripped the envelope open, and a DVD accompanied a birth announcement with Ike’s picture. The DVD had a post-it attached that said ‘watch me” in Ryan’s familiar scrawl.

  “I think I’ll take that beer now, Avery,” he murmured, and she left the room, returning with the entire case. He popped the to
p of one, gulping half of it down. As he stared at his reflection on the DVD, Aaron’s heart thudded in his chest. Though certain things couldn’t get more ugly than they had in Minnesota, Ryan seemed to have thrown him a posthumous curveball. For a moment he considered snapping it in half, but he glanced at Ike’s baby picture and stopped himself. As if she’d read his mind, Avery plucked it from his hand, and placed it in her DVD player. She joined him on the couch and after they exchanged a tense look, he chugged the rest of his beer. She moved close to him, like a small child afraid of the dark. He threw an arm around her and Avery pressed play.

  They were instantly greeted with a zoomed in close-up of Ryan’s face as he adjusted his webcam. Aaron saw the familiar brick wall behind him, and knew the DVD was filmed in their Chicago apartment. Ryan was wearing his old Hawkeye shirt from back in the day. He looked happy, but exhausted.

  “Hey, buddy. I tried to call you, but it looks like you changed your number, too. Mitch said you’re back in J.P. so I’m coming to see you. I hope you won’t shoot me for being on your property.”

  Avery and Aaron both snorted.

  “There’s no easy way to begin, so here goes: You were right. I was wrong. When you walked out that door, I was terrified. I knew I’d lost you and was pretty damn sure I was going to lose Nic. I pulled all the bottles out of the minibar and the pills out of my bag and started planning a cocktail to end it.” Ryan stopped talking and looked away, his jaw clenching.

  “Lucky for me, Avery happened to text me a picture of Anna in her Halloween costume. I just couldn’t put my family through it.” They watched as Ryan took a deep breath and covered his eyes, as if reliving the event.

  “Aaron, I tried to stop. For real. I knew you were serious about telling Nicole, so I sent the email from Nic’s account and changed our phone numbers.” Ryan paused, looking up as if he was in pain from the memories.

  “A month later, I slipped up again and she caught me. She said she was pregnant and she was done with me. She was leaving and I would never know my own kid. That was my rock bottom. So I started counseling.”

  Avery sniffled next to him, and Aaron sat with a hand over his mouth, tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

  “Even if you never speak to me again, it’s important that you know what you said to me made a difference. You can show this to Nic if you feel you have to, but I hope you won’t. I’m getting help. I want to be the husband she deserves and I want to be a great dad, like mine.”

  They watched as Ryan bent down and picked up a newborn baby.

  “Aaron, this is Isaac … or as Nic insists on calling him, Ike.” Ryan rolled his eyes and grinned. “You know Nic—it’s more ‘rock n roll.’ I want you to be his godfather. I can’t think of anyone better to look out for my son.”

  Tears rolled down both of his cheeks and Aaron sniffed. Avery covered her face next to him.

  Ike started fussing and Ryan murmured comfortingly to him. He turned back to the camera, his happy eyes glistening with tears.

  “I’ll see you soon, man. I have to go.” The TV screen faded to black.

  Aaron was stunned speechless. He and Avery sat frozen, staring at the static on the television.

  He stood abruptly and threw on his coat.

  “Where are you going?” Avery cried. He picked up the case of beer and stuck it under his arm.

  “I’m going to see Ryan.”

  “Wait. Let me go with you.” She went for her coat and purse.

  “No. I need to do this shit alone.” He was out the door before she could argue. He opened the truck door and then slammed it shut. He knew he’d be way too drunk to drive by the time he was through. He headed out on foot. All the way to the cemetery, he fumed. Rage overtook logic, and he downed another beer. He haphazardly threw one empty beer can after another in the ditch along the way. Finally he arrived at the cemetery and stumbled along in the dark toward Ryan’s grave. He shone a flashlight at the tombstones; he didn’t want to bitch out the wrong ghost. He finished the can he held in his hand, crumpled it and threw it at the headstone. It bounced off and disappeared in the darkness.

  “You son of a bitch. Just when I think you can’t top yourself, the fabulous Ryan Harper does it again. You had to be great at everything. Now you can even haunt with the best of them.” The night was still, and he heard an owl hoot nearby.

  He plopped down into the snow, leaning against Ryan’s grave. He picked up a bottle of beer someone had left and popped it open. After sniffing it, he took a swig.

  “Not bad. Only the best for you, my good man.” He dumped some on the grave. “One for me and one for my homie.”

  He drank the rest of the bottle, then a couple more beers even though his head was already spinning.

  “Man, I shouldn’t have said that stuff about the car hitting you. We’re not better off without you.” He felt new tears on his face. The thought that Ryan had lived a year after their fight and they’d never spoken broke his heart all over again. He slammed more beer as the tears rolled on.

  That fucking overachiever even had to die when someone told him to.

  “I can’t believe you sent me that email and let me think Nicole didn’t want to talk to me anymore. That was low, even for you. I ought to dig you up and kick your ass all over again. Now I’ve got to decide whether to tell her about the DVD. Thanks a lot.”

  He angrily wiped away more tears.

  “I love Nic, Ryan. With all that I’ve got. I’m going to marry that girl. And to answer your question, no—I won’t be Ike’s godfather. I’m going to be his father.” A coyote howled in the distance.

  “Hello there.” A deep voice came out of the night. Aaron jumped, nearly pissing himself as a flashlight turned on under Jack’s face and he plopped down next to Aaron.

  “Hey, Jack.” Aaron popped another beer open and handed it to Jack, who accepted it silently. They sat drinking, by the light of their flashlights. Aaron sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

  “Should I start planning the bachelor party now?” They both laughed, and then stopped. Then Aaron started laughing again.

  “Well … maybe I should ask her first. She might have an opinion on that.”

  “Yeah, they usually do.” They sat for a bit and finished their beers. Aaron opened another.

  “Ryan wasn’t just my friend, Jack. He was family.” Aaron’s voice shook and he didn’t care.

  “I know, amigo.” They drank another beer in silence. Jack stood and paced around to stay warm. Aaron realized he was soaking wet from sitting in the snow for so long.

  “I gotta take you back to Avery’s dude. She’s flipping out,” Jack reasoned.

  “Can you drive us to the city?” Aaron stood, his head spinning. He nearly fell over, but Jack snatched him by the sleeve.

  “Why?”

  “Gotta get a ring.”

  “Listen, Romeo. I already have Shilah in the truck, drunk as shit. So you’ve got two options. You can go to Avery’s and you can sleep this off or I can dump you at Shilah’s hotel.”

  “Can’t you drop me at Nicole’s?”

  “I don’t think she’d appreciate that in your current condition.”

  Aaron uttered a resigned sigh.

  “I’ll go to Avery’s. My truck’s there.” When they returned to Jack’s truck, Shilah was passed out in the passenger seat.

  Jack heaved a tired sigh. “You two need to get your shit straight or I’m fixin’ to move back to Texas where men can hold their liquor.”

  Aaron woke up to the sound of Avery banging pans around in the kitchen. He smelled bacon, and short of a slight headache and cottonmouth, saw no sign of the epic hangover he so richly deserved. As he rolled off the couch, he recalled every stupid thing he’d said in the cemetery the night before. He thought about saying he’d be Ike’s father to Ryan. He felt petulant and regretted verbalizing it.

  He didn't remember much after Jack dropped him at Avery's. Groaning, he glanced at the box of Ryan's possessions and
rubbed his face with his hands.

  When he walked into the kitchen, Avery was piling food onto two plates. She glanced up, and looked a hell of a lot worse than he felt.

  “I hope to hell you're hungry,” she murmured.

  “I could eat. I think I have frostbite on my ass cheeks.”

  “Me too.”

  “Did you call Nicole last night? All I told her was that I'd be late.”

  “Mm hmm. Then you called Nicole and went on and on. She finally made you give me the phone.”

  Maybe I don’t remember everything…

  “Christ, Aves. What did I say?”

  “You told her all about Ryan's DVD. I tried to stop you from calling her, jackass.”

  Aaron hid his face in his hands, elbows on the table.

  “She's cool, Aaron. According to her, none of it was a big surprise. She was worried about you, though.”

  Aaron cringed at his behavior.

  “Is that all I said?”

  “Besides telling her you loved her about a hundred times? Yeah.”

  Aaron uttered a relieved sigh and looked around.

  “Where’s Shilah?”

  Avery stopped eating mid-bite and put her fork down.

  “I heard he moved in with you.”

  “He did. It just didn’t work out.” She picked up her fork and began to eat again.

  “Must have been a hell of a fight.”

  She shrugged and continued to chew.

  “He told me he took you to meet his parents. That’s some serious shit for a guy, Aves.”

  “He left me.”

  “I’ll talk to him.” Aaron’s expression softened as he saw her work to maintain a poker face.

  “Don’t bother. You have enough on your plate. Are we going to go get this ring, or what?”

  Aaron gaped at her, stunned. They both turned at the sound of someone coming in the front door.

  “Knock-knock! Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Sandra Harper’s voice carried into the kitchen just before she appeared in the doorway. She glanced at Aaron, her lips set in a hard line.