“Let’s go before we get any sadder.”
Changing moods, they bought some gris-gris and both donned the colorful beads and walked around Bourbon St. Everywhere they walked, nude woman were abundant in the doorways of the clubs there and in the windows.
“I still can’t get used to all the nudity. Everyone is so casual about it here. It is bazaar how accepted this is.”
“You can’t help but look, they’re everywhere. I know it makes you uncomfortable, Babe, but, trust me, I see them but I’m not looking at them if you know what I mean. I only look at you when I want to see beautiful.”
His words touched her and she mentally played the words again in her head so she could save them in her memory.
“You know, I’ve never been this close to so many naked girls since gym class.”
“Me, neither,” he laughed.
“I’m glad to hear that. With your good looks, I thought you might have a secret harem somewhere.”
“I’m a one woman kind of guy. I know you probably won’t believe that but I am. I never gawk at woman anyway. That’s not my style.”
“I know that. That’s one of the reasons it was so easy to get close to you, I didn’t feel you taking in all the girls around us, especially the ones trying to hit on you.”
“Anyway, what about that drawing, changed your mind yet? What if I win at Galaxy and that’s the pay off, come on.”
“OK, let’s just go get the drawing but you’ll probably being throwing knives at it after I’m gone.”
“Never, ever, ever would that happen—it will be something that I will cherish.”
They sought out Heidi and waited for her to do their portrait. She had no photographs of him and hoped Heidi would capture him for her. An actual artist depiction of him while at the French Quarter would mean more than a photograph. It would have more meaning.
After Heidi had finished drawing Arianna, she took a place behind her, watching her complete the likeness of Adam. The drawing would have to come to life for her. It would have to breathe and save her when he was finally gone. The mist from the air of New Orleans would forever be on the matte grey paper.
She watched her smudge the charcoal across the page. His resemblance began to appear and she smiled, grateful that she had managed to catch some of his essence. It wasn’t exactly as she had hoped, but it was close enough.
“It’s all right but I think you are much prettier. I look like I belong on a wanted poster. I like that.”
She rolled the drawing up and tucked it under her arm. More important to her than jewels, she felt comforted that she had something to hold onto.
“Thanks, Adam. I’ll hang it in my bedroom and look at you before I go to sleep and when I wake up.”
They returned to Bourbon St. and she challenged him once again at the Arcade.
“Since I have my drawing, how about if we play for whether or not you leave town?”
“Funny. You know I can’t do that.”
“I know but just for fun. Besides, you almost always beat me anyway.”
“You know if I lose, I’m still going.”
“Yes, but still...”
She played as if her life depended on it. She had to win, just for herself as if fate itself were at work in the universe of her and Adam.
“Damn it, woman—I’m going to beat you, there’s no question about it.”
For whatever reason, he played miserably. She was delighted as she joyfully whipped him. If ever she could have beaten him, it would mean the most now and she did.
“Well, you better start unpacking; I tell you it’s kismet. We should stay together and you know it,” she said jokingly.
“I don’t believe you won. You just made me nervous.”
“Let’s go back to the hotel. If this is our last night here, I just want to spend time holding you.”
They lay together but this time it was different. There was a visible tension as they both knew the morning would not be another day of fun in New Orleans but her departure back to Tampa.
In the morning, try as she may, she started crying. At first, the tears were light, but soon they pummeled her sun singed cheeks.
“Girl, I knew this would happen. Damn it, you promised. I can’t handle it. I’m getting on the bike right now and just leave you here to find your way back to the airport yourself. I really can’t handle it.”
This time she wasn’t shocked by his words. She knew he didn’t want to hurt her, but he knew no other way than to be brutal with her to stop her from falling on her knees and begging. She didn’t seem to be able to give up the fight.
“How could I have not asked you to stay just once more? We’ve been so happy and you’ve said you loved me many times, how could I not have cried at least once? It’s all right now, I’ll be ok—you don’t have to go to that extreme to just leave me here. I don’t want a good-bye like that.”
“Girl, I love you, I do. I can’t help it that I’m crazy or should I say this situation with all of us in it is crazy. I know I’ve hurt everyone and I know I’m hurting myself but I just can’t go back. For right now, I can only move forward in this direction, it’s just the way it has to be. Just try to forgive me and forget me and go on with your life and remember that once we had loved each other and it was close to perfect but life got in the way.”
It was another muggy, grey day and it mirrored her everything. She got dressed and packed without saying another word. Their good-bye was more daunting than she had imagined even though she had mentally prepared for this moment ever since they left Florida.
She held onto him from the back of the motorcycle for the last time—the sign for the airport looking like doom. She hoped he would be safe and that somehow would find his way and that his journey would bring him some sort of internal peace. the world. She knew her new world without him would be spiritual darkness.
At the airport, she felt numb but grasped her drawing tightly to her. As she gathered her things to begin her entrance into the plane, she said,
“Adam, you’ll call sometime to let me know your safe or write me a postcard to let me know what you’re doing, won’t you?
“What would be the point of that? I have to break ties with you, I have too.”
She looked at him and was surprised to see one single tear running down his right eye. He didn’t wipe it off or pretend it wasn’t there. He let her see it and this meant something to her. At least she could take the knowledge with her that he did care about the heartbreak occurring between them.
“Be happy, Arianna. You deserve it more than anyone I know. You’re a saint to me. You take a lot but keep giving. I’ll never forget these times we’ve had together and this trip. I was so reluctant to take you and it turned out to be one of the best times of my life and I thank you for that.”
She walked backwards at the gate for as long as she could; straining to see his face for as long as possible. He began walking away without turning. She despaired that if he did not look back it was a sign he had broken all ties with her.
She went to her seat alongside the window, holding on to the drawing as if it were him. Somehow in the next few hours before she arrived in Tampa, she would have to regain her grip on life and not let the children see her in pain or make them be a part of this grieving that she would be doing. She could not bear to think of him as gone from her forever. He’ll come back to me. He has to or I will perish. It is not our destiny to be apart. She drifted off into a euphoric daydream where they were married with babies running around him. That’s the way it should be, it must be. He had to come back.
Chapter XVI
Danny
A week went by without any word from him but his mother called her many times. Mrs. Ryder was in a state of such dismay looking for answers of why he had left the way he did. She sobbed loudly whenever she called and begged her for details of what had happened and why he had left. She asked if she could take her to dinner so she could explain to her what transpired. Ari
anna didn’t relish the thought of speaking to her about all that had happened but she knew Mrs. Ryder was falling apart and she owed that to her. If it were one of her sons, she would expect the same.
“Yes, I’ll come over. I understand how upset you are. I miss him and love him dearly. I always will. I know that might make you feel uncomfortable because I realize how awkward that is when we are both married. It’s shocking to other people besides us and I get that, I do.”
“Please come over as soon as you can. Do you have any free time tonight?”
This last week had been stressful. She had imagined that he would ride 100 miles or so and turn around and come back to her. She had forced herself to believe that.
Mrs. Ryder and Arianna dined in Clearwater at the Kapok Inn. One of Tampa Bay’s tourist traps filled with beautiful scenery and gift shops. It was an open spaced dining area that proved to be peaceful to her.
“So please, Arianna, begin. Tell me why my son has left town. I have not been this upset since my husband died. He calls me but he won’t say a word about it except to say it’s not your fault.”
“It’s hard to say what happened exactly. He just had a meltdown. He had made an appointment to see a lawyer to start the divorce proceedings and he never went. He said he couldn’t go through with it and that maybe he still had feelings for Patty Jo. Then he said he loved me but didn’t know if he could be the guy I needed him to be for the kids’ sake and mine and maybe he should get back together with his wife. But then he said he had never loved her as he loved me and didn’t see the point. He just kept going back and forth and then said if he couldn’t please anyone including himself, maybe he should just go away and live by himself somewhere and wander around for a while.”
“This is just crazy. He has a wife here and financial payments to consider. I hear what you’re saying but it seems like there’s got to be more to it than that. He wouldn’t just leave because he was confused about what girl to have a relationship with.”
“That’s the truth as much as I know it. He just seems to be torn apart and unable to make any commitments to anyone at this time. He also said he wanted some freedom from everyone to think about his life and what direction he wanted it to go in.”
Arianna felt hurt by her remarks as if Adam’s only obligation was to his wife and yet she knew that any mother would feel the same way and that she was the person on the outside.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what does his wife think about him leaving?”
“She says she’s not surprised that he left, that he was always so moody when they were together and that was part of their problems. I don’t get it. I just don’t see what you girls see, my boy just isn’t like that. He is just the finest boy that ever lived. I don’t get it.”
Arianna understood. If it were one of her two boys, she probably would be thinking the same thing.
“Was Patty Jo still upset about him wanting a divorce?”
“I’m sure she is upset. Of course, she is. He’s her husband and they have to try and work it out. We are Catholic; you can’t get divorced and be part of the church. It just isn’t done. She said, though, if he didn’t return within 6 months, she would file. Of course, he’ll come back and they will probably get back together. They have too.”
“I know you and I are devastated. I think Patty Jo has already moved on with her life. She’s has at least one serious boyfriend. I am devoted to Adam and I understand that you don’t want him to get a divorce. It’s up to him now what happens.”
“You have two little boys. You shouldn’t be thinking about divorce.”
“I can’t go back to living the way I was. My husband and I are strangers, living at best as brother and sister. We have no real relationship and haven’t for years. The only connection we have is the children and I can’t see living my life for the next 50 or 60 years completely alone. He feels the same way. He doesn’t care if we get divorced. I feel the children are young enough to adjust.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Arianna. It’s not that easy having someone else involved with raising your kids. My Adam, I know he cares for you, but he’s confused. You may just be a distraction for him, otherwise, why did he leave you. I think he still loves Patty Jo. I don’t think he would be a good step-father. He just doesn’t have those abilities. He’s too much of a kid himself. I am very worried about that. I don’t want your children to be hurt.”
“I don’t know what he would be like as a dad figure, but it doesn’t really matter anyway because he’s gone now and I will probably never see him again. Whatever happens, please believe that I love your son more than life itself.”
They continued talking for almost an hour as she quizzed her about their trip to New Orleans. She had hoped that Adam was in a good state of mind when they parted. She was unable to assure her of that because she didn’t actually know.
After Mrs. Ryder’s departure, she was once again muddled with all the thoughts and reasons of why he did leave and none of her answers were good. Maybe Mrs. Ryder was right and he belonged with his wife but for her things could never be the same. She didn’t know how she could stay married whether he returned to her or not.
At home, she had her little baby Brent close to her. Watching his angelic face, sweet in dreams, once again saved her from a ritualistic madness that seemed to possess her in the dark hours of the night.
Chloe had asked her to be in a charity fashion show and she had declined because of Adam. Now, she wasn’t just unhappy, she was angry. What right had he to destroy her, to leave her so tormented when they had been so happy together? She held Brent’s soft little body close to her, grateful for her two boys.
“Chloe, if you still want me, I’m in. I’m just a mess when it comes to love. I should have told you I would do the show. Besides, if Renee and you will be there, it will have to be great.”
“Great, thanks. You know, I never wanted to say anything to you about Adam, but he is a little off. I guess he’s right for you, but all that Dylan stuff and his moodiness that would make me crazy.”
“I know but that’s such a small part of him, the rest is just…well…unbelievable.”
“Accept that he did leave you.”
“You’ve got a point there. You know what it’s like, Randy is still married and he’s not your conventional guy, being in a band, wearing girls’ skins. You’re not with anyone typical either.”
“No, neither one of us is in the best of situations where our men are concerned. I hope for both of us that things work out, especially for you because you’ve got the boys to think about.”
“Well, I’ll see you there and we can catch up on stuff.”
She was grateful to have a friend like Chloe. The just clicked from the first day they met. They had been assigned to a promotion together and had chosen to partner together in the team assignment. Ever since then they had remained close buds. Arianna had chosen her for the cigarette promotion and she had gotten to know Adam during that time. When she first met Chloe, she was surprised that such a beautiful young woman could be so shy. Most everyone she knew that endeavored to be noticed in the modeling industry displayed overtly obnoxious extraverted behavior, and she included herself in this group. They would dance on tabletops, in the streets, and act on all manner of impulsive gregarious activities.
While the children were in pre-school, she set about completing her usual tasks. Driving back from the grocery store, her thoughts were preoccupied with Adam and she almost didn’t see him but it was hard not to recognize his arrogant swagger. A strut like that could only belong to Danny. His legs were bulging with muscles attributed to his soccer playing, his upper body was lean and almost boy like. He was clean shaven, with slicked back short hair, and dressed like a valet had laid his clothes out for him. Danny was hard not to notice. She remembered how taken she was with him the first time she saw him at the Sam Clemens when he handed her that rose. Danny was always exercising, running; walking and she had seen him
many times several months ago but not recently. Strange that she should see him now with Adam gone away.
“Danny, hey, Danny,” she called out as she pulled her car to the side of the road. Danny squinted and peered at her. He had his soccer ball under his arm and was carrying a backpack; she thought he might like a ride. Danny had a little trouble with the road; he had three car accidents and had lost his license for a year.
“Arianna, how the hell are you? Where have you been? I’ve been up at the Mark Twain many times and thought I would run into you.”
“I’m OK, I guess. I’ve met someone and we’ve been inseparable for quite a while, that is, until now but that’s a long story. Hop in; I’ll give you a ride. How’s the team doing?”
We’re doing all right, but there’s just not much interest in soccer in this area. It has never caught on nationally or locally, more’s the pity. I love it. My Dad’s cut my entitlement spending and says that if the soccer thing is not going anywhere that I either have to go back to college or get a job. That sucks.”
“Danny, your Dad’s spoiled you for a long time. I know that must be rough to be cut off but at least you were lucky enough to have him support you for a long time.”
“Hell, he’s a successful lawyer bringing in the big bucks. He could still do it; he just doesn’t think I’ll make it to play professional. He’s given up on me and that’s awful. I think I’m good enough, I just need a break.”
“I hope you’re right, Danny. If attitude and stamina count, you’re not lacking in any of that. Now that you’re poor, are you still throwing your change on the ground?”
Danny had a habit of only preferring paper money and any change he received he either used it as a tip or threw it on the ground. He said someone would find it and put it too good use.
“Not all of it. I save the quarters now but the rest still goes on the ground. So tell me about this guy you met. I broke up with someone also recently.”
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