“Actually, I met him at Mark Twain’s just like you. We’ve been together for months and we were talking about getting married and then complications set in, more than I really feel like going into. It just gets me upset to talk about it but we ended it in New Orleans. It was quite an adventure, driving to New Orleans on a motorcycle in the rain. I thought he would change his mind about leaving after we had this awesome time for almost a week, but he didn’t. I flew home and now I’m spending time with my boys and doing some stuff with the agency.”
“It’s must be fate us running into each other. I broke up with Tiffany last week, the girl I’ve been seeing. Let’s go to dinner and console each other, purely platonic.”
“I don’t know Danny, somehow that wouldn’t seem right even though he left me.”
“Come one, it’s just dinner and it will take your mind off of him for a while.”
“You’re right, the kids will be in Orlando this weekend going to Disney World with their dad so I’ll be alone and I don’t want that. It’s a date.”
“Will you wear that white dress that you had on in your modeling composite? That’s a knock out.”
“Yes, if you wear that black sport coat that I like.”
“It’s a deal, let’s go out and style and profile.” This was one of Danny’s catch phrases he used and she liked it when he said it. Only he could get away with it because that’s exactly what he did. With Adam, style was a t-shirt and jeans but with Danny he looked like he just stepped off the cover of GQ. They were so completely different, she liked Danny but not in any way the type of feelings that she had with Adam.
When she dropped him at his house, he turned back and unexpectedly kissed her, just a slight touch of a kiss but a kiss nonetheless. So it has begun— life without him, the breaking of the bonds between them. She had never thought another man’s lips would ever touch hers again. Now, only a mere ten days since he had gone, someone had kissed her—how peculiar, how peculiar indeed!
Later, walking through the grocery store, she felt like life had played a trick on her. She never wanted to be with another man again. She was struggling to be brave but having had no contact with him had disillusioned her about life. She was facing the reality that he probably wasn’t coming back or if he ever did, he would not be coming back to her. She knew he wasn’t crying over her or having sleepless nights. Damn him—damn him for making her go out with Danny. Things are really over now. She missed him till her bones ached but that didn’t make him return to her. She thought he might at least send a post card, that would be harmless enough and she would know he was safe.
She would be in the charity fashion show this weekend and go out with Danny. Was it such a short time ago that she was with him in New Orleans, lying in his arms, saying “I love you”. Now it seemed as if it never happened or that it had happened long ago.
Every time the phone rang, she jumped, hoping against all odds that it was him but it was Chloe’s Mom.
“I’m helping Chloe organize the show and she asked me to call you. They need someone to go down to the newspaper office in one of the designer dresses and take some photos for publicity for the event. Would you be up for it?”
“Am I? You bet. You couldn’t have picked better timing. The boys are with their Dad and I’m available to take the trip down there. Clearwater’s OK, I don’t mind the drive.”
She hurriedly dressed and styled her hair with clips and faux diamond accessories. She brought props along that she always had available in case they might enhance the photo shoot. She was delighted and wished she could have called Adam to tell him her news.
Chloe’s Mom had brought a choice of three dresses. They were spectacular. She chose a black lace dress that was so impeccably designed it looked as if it were made for royalty. The shoot went well at the newspaper office and she was delighted Chloe had chosen her to do the shoot.
This time, it was Danny she phoned; she just had to tell someone. After his congratulations, he invited her to watch him at soccer practice and she agreed believing it was a healthy step in her recovery. She realized, after all, that life would go on without Adam. Perhaps there was some light ahead.
Saturday evening found her preparing meticulously for her date with Danny. Chloe had encouraged her to accentuate her long manicured nails with attention getting features. They looked like faux nails; they were painted with artistic designs. For modeling photos, they accentuated her hands beautifully. Jackie, a friend of Arianna’s from the agency wore light feathery gold body power and against a tan, it looked fabulous. She had stolen that idea from her. Working in the modeling industry allowed her to play at life and dress in outrageous looks.
Pulling into Danny’s drive, she felt good. For the moment, she refused to think about Adam.
“Danny, you look wonderful,” she said.
“Arianna, you look delicious.”
They stood staring at each other, each proud of their escort’s appearance. His custom white shirt was open just enough to see his lean tan hard chest. The aroma of him made her stir. He was an edible magazine cover.
The angel white dress she wore had a seductive slinky fit, one bare shoulder added to the allure. They were a good fit tonight. They strolled into the restaurant arm in arm.
“So, beautiful, what do you plan on doing now that Adam’s out of the picture?”
“Well, handsome, I guess I’ll just have to reach out and grab you.”
“Sounds good to me—I am here and he’s somewhere roaming the US and you haven’t even heard from him.”
“It’s hard to talk about him. It’s painful just saying his name. I’m sure you don’t feel like talking about Tiffany, do you?”
“No, you’re right. We won’t mention them again tonight. What else is going on with you? Are you still modeling?”
“Yes, every chance I get. I take anything that’s thrown at me. The Tampa Bay area is not exactly known for this industry. There’s very little out there going on except lots of promotions.”
“Still, it’s pretty cool that you’re doing something you like instead of having some boring 9 to 5 job like most people have.”
“I don’t want to ever go back to working in an office again if I can help it. Although, I know that’s unrealistic but if I can’t make a living doing this then I’d like to start my own business.”
“That’s the way I feel about soccer, if I’m not good enough to go pro, I don’t know what I will do. I can’t imagine myself tied down to a house payment, kids and stuff. That’s way too much responsibility—maybe in another decade or so.”
She felt a slow burn inside her, his words echoing Adam’s sentiments. Young men, she thought, definitely seemed more adverse to commitment and responsibilities than women. She had these commitments and although it could be daunting sometimes, she would never regret having children so young or wanting a home instead of apartment living.
The enigma of why Adam had left her seemed clearer as time went by. She could not imagine that her two adorable boys could be a burden to anyone, not even the hardest of hearts.
“What are you trying to say here, Danny, you mean you wouldn’t marry me because I have a house and kids?” she said jokingly.
“Let me think about it, your sudden proposal caught me off guard.”
“Of course, we’ve got the platonic thing too. It would have to be a marriage that was unconsummated.”
“No, that couldn’t happen, especially the way you look tonight Ari.”
She had moved closer to him in the curved booth, his nearness comforting to her. Tonight they both wanted the same thing, to forget the lover who had left them and who both felt the sting of rejection.
Danny cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. This was heaven and hell all at once. It was wonderful to have the relief of the intense pain she was feeling but she felt she was betraying Adam even though he had left her.
“Danny…I…I...oh—nothing.” Instead of continuing to speak, she returned
his kiss, tightening her grip on his arm.
“Do you want to go clubbing Aria or just go to my house and let me hold you all night?”
“How about a little of both?”
She danced with him pressed up against her and was charmed by his bad boy antics. It was easy getting close to someone like Danny. His smile, his playfulness and his style and profile (as he created) was becoming. Danny was clear about what he wanted, casual relationships and soccer. She knew the lines with him and they could have never gone further than just friends.
By the time they slipped into each other’s arms on the davenport, she was slightly intoxicated from him and the Margarita’s they had been sipping all night.
She started to unbutton his shirt and kissed his softly. He kissed her fingertips and pulled her closer. She thought how shocked Adam would be if he could see her now, lying in the arms of another man, and she thought about how shocked she was with herself.
“Arianna, I know what we said before about platonic, but making love to you just seems right. It will change things between us. I don’t know if that’s good or bad but I want you tonight.”
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I need you right now too. Maybe it’s because we’re both hurting so much and this is what we need right now but right now is all we have.”
They clung together in an awkward embrace, loving each other but both needing something from the other that they really didn’t have to give. Holding each other after, she noticed a tear fall from Danny’s eye. She looked down to hide her own and didn’t know what she was doing except just escaping for the moment. Their good-byes were stilted as they both knew they had crossed a line they probably shouldn’t have but it was too late for regrets. She hoped they could still be friends.
Chapter XVII
The Postcard
On the morning of the fourth week since Adam’s departure into nowhere land, Arianna’s hand held the thing she had most coveted; a postcard had come from him. She was trembling as she turned the card over. Joshua was in her arms and she held him tightly as she read.
“Joshua, do you remember Adam? This postcard is from him.”
Postmarked from Dallas, Texas it read,
I was lying in a sleeping bag one night, thinking about my gypsy girl, looking up underneath the stars, wandering if her hair was still red. I knew she was about to be divorced and I came into her life, she swallowed me up and I ran away. I lay here wondering if there will ever come a day when she might…
At the end of the sentence, he scrawled black illegible marks she couldn’t read, as if his thoughts had trailed off, but he did not intend for her to know what they were. The post script read,
I had a great time with you in N.O. Love, Adam
She was holding the card that his hand held. Gingerly holding it as if it were him, she would keep it with her. At least she had this one last thing from him and with the words her heart so desperately wanted to hear, “Love, Adam”.
What was he thinking when he wrote “she might one day”, do what, and be what? His words repeated themselves over and over in her mind, while she tried to define what he meant. Daring not to read anything positive into it, but at least knowing he had thought of her. Even though it was only a month since he had left, she had changed. The hours and days since he left were cruelly hard on her and it took all her strength to survive still smiling. Making love to Danny had changed her. She had believed that no other man would ever touch her, and now, (in a short span of time), it had already happened. It was surreal, all that had transpired these last months. She jumped up, thinking of Adam, and said,
“Guys, want to go on an adventure. I’ll show you where Adam lives and then we’ll go to a diner for lunch.”
A short time later they were at his condo, looking out on the balcony at the Gulf of Mexico. His condo was exactly as he had left it that day. The strewn clothes were everywhere and still dishes in the sink so apparently his Mom or his wife has not been there to straighten things out. She had thought they would be and she had thought they key would no longer be over the door but it was. It was as if time had stood still this last month.
“Where did he go, Mama?” asked Brent.
“He went away. He said he needed a vacation and he wanted to ride his motorcycle far away and see different places.”
“Is he coming back?”
“I don’t know Brent but if he does, I don’t know if we will ever see him again.”
The lingered on the balcony for a while watching the waves wash over the sand. She turned to look one more time and then left. She took the boys to the beach and they waded into the water as she watched them. She had thought it would make her feel better to be in his place, but it was eerie and sad. She looked back up at his window from the beach and wondered where he was and if he might be thinking of her now. They left and went on with their day of fun and once again she thought how lucky she was for the one true thing in her life, her boys.
On Sunday, the boy’s dad took them to Busch Gardens, their favorite place. She was glad for that, she found it more and more difficult to confront her sadness and keep it hidden from the children. Again, she found herself wishing to be around something familiar that had his signature on it. Motocross races were always held on Sunday at the Sunshine Racetrack in St. Pete.
Thick, woolen heat covered her as she stepped through the thistle grass. Racers were streaming sweat down their blackened faces. Watching the daring riders fly over the hills, she imagined him appearing at the next lap.
After a while, she took her blanket and left track side and sat near some open field under a tree. Closing her eyes, she listened to the music of the race, the loud motors humming—the roar of the start of a hundred bikes. The aroma of the exhaust was all consuming and the noise was excessive, he belonged here, this was his arena. She thought she might open her eyes and find him standing over her. She wished she could will him to appear.
She could feel the pinch of her cheeks as the sun had been upon her now for several hours and she knew she should leave. She had burned her face and arms but didn’t care. At least, she thought, she would be able to feel something instead of this dead awful sadness.
Driving home, she was about to cross over the bridge that would take her back to Tampa, when an invisible set of hands took her instead to the exit leading to Adam’s house. She wouldn’t go in, but she thought she would just have an ice cream cone and walk the beach—just be near where he had lived and they had loved.
She had dressed as if she were going to see him, a soft pink halter top, jeans dotted on the side with rhinestones. It wasn’t what you would wear to a motocross race or for a stroll on the beach. She grasped her heels in her hands, and let the sand and water cross against her feet as she meandered through the crowd. His condo was only a few short blocks away from the beach, just around the corner from where she had parked. Perhaps she would just walk by and sit in the gazebo where they had taken Chinese food and sat many times.
As she turned the corner onto his street, the silver from his bike was visible. Her breathing came in uncontrollable puffs as she felt she must be hallucinating. She had imagined him being there a thousand times, but now he was there. She must go forward, she had to, even if he asked her to leave or became angry that she was there, it didn’t matter—it would have been impossible to not seek him out now. She walked the stairs up to his door with pure adrenalin surging, not knowing whether he would even answer the door or if Patty Jo might be inside or if he would refuse her entry.
The knock seemed to vibrate in her hand and travel to her feet and for one panicked moment, she wanted to turn and run, terrified of what he might say to her.
A shy grin greeted her and a soft voice spoke,
“Somehow I just knew you would be here today. You must be clairvoyant. I’ve only been home for a few hours and here you are. Every time I heard a noise since I got home, I was sure it was you. I half expected to find you here already when I walked in toda
y. Come here, girl.”
She could not speak and just stared at him. Walking into his arms, she couldn’t relax for fear or what he would or wouldn’t say.
“Surprised to see me, I take it.” He laughed and the crazy glaze she had seen in his eyes so often before he left was gone. He was dark skinned apparently from his being outdoors on the bike, his sapphire blue eyes appearing even more beautifully blue. He seemed relaxed and calm.
“I always believed that someday I would see you again. I thought if I did it would be at a distance, that maybe I would catch a stolen glimpse of you from afar. I came by here several times since you left but never had any real hope that you would be here. I always expected your condo to be locked up and sold, that you would leave word for your Mom to let everything go. When I received your post card, I had some renewed hope that maybe you still liked me a little and were thinking about me.”
He took her by the hand and they walked onto the balcony. He sat down on one of the chairs grabbing her and pulling her onto his lap. She leaned against him to hug him and he pulled away saying,
“Damn, that hurts like hell.”
“What?”
Exceedingly slowly, he pulled off his shirt to let her see his colorful chest. An array of empurpled yellow skin with tinges of black covered him. At his sternum, a small lump protruded.
“Adam, what happened? Did you get into a fight?”
“I got beat up all right, but not by a guy?”
“No, don’t tell me, a girl did this?”
He laughed and she reveled in hearing his voice again but was in sheer joy to hear him laugh again.
“Oh, it hurts to laugh. You should see the look on your face. No, not a girl, a mechanical bull kicked the crap out of me and threw me about ten feet before I hit the floor. I was at Gilley’s in Texas and you know I had to ride the bull, especially when all those cowboys were betting me money. I was doing all right and then they kept adjusting the speed up. I slammed up against the metal on the saddle; I could hear my chest bone crack. The pain was so intense, I just let go and I flew across the room. This is about four days of healing the way it looks now.”
Sweet Sins Page 13