by Lindsey Beck
Her lips turned upward in a sleepy smile and he watched in fascination as her eyes languidly blinked. She rolled slightly, looking up at him. “Sorry,” she muttered with a yawn.
“For what?” he whispered. Had his voice really just dropped an octave?
“Falling asleep.”
He swallowed hard. He could get used to tucking her in every night. “You should get some rest. You want some help upstairs?”
“No, I think I’ll sleep down here tonight.”
“See you in the morning.” He should have retreated. The longer he lingered the greater the temptation. He pushed back some of the short wisps from her face. He told himself he would only kiss her cheek. There wouldn’t be any harm in a small goodnight kiss.
As he bent to kiss her, Janie turned slightly and instead of hitting his target, Matthew’s lips grazed lightly over hers. The feather like touch sent electrical currents through Matthew’s body. He felt his heart skip a beat. His breathing stopped. Everything inside of him locked down. He didn’t dare move. He was afraid what would happen if he did. Every ounce of self-control was draining out of him.
His eyes locked onto Janie’s. The sleepiness had fled from her countenance. Her lips parted slightly and drew his attention downward. He wanted to kiss her again, badly. He wanted to know what it would be like to really kiss her…to really hold her.
“Matthew…” Her breath was warm against his face. Involuntarily, his eyes slid shut. He trembled as she raised her lips to gently touch his again. He felt her arms slip around his neck. Her fingers tangled into his dark curls.
Matthew couldn’t stop himself…not now. The kiss deepened and he felt himself hauling her off of the couch and into his arms. She pressed closer against him as his arms wrapped solidly around her waist.
She was better than any drug. This kiss was better than any high he had ever experienced. She murmured his name between breaths and it excited him more than any hit he had ever taken. She was addicting.
His hands found the skin that peeked out around her waistline. She trembled against him as his fingers gently kneaded the small of her back. He had dreamed about this…desired this more than anything he could ever remember. At that moment, he couldn’t remember why he was trying to stay away from her.
The sound of the front door was equivalent to the sound of reality crashing down around them. Janie felt herself being roughly pushed away. Her knees hit the back of the couch and she lost her balance. She fell awkwardly onto the couch. Slowly, she allowed herself to look to the entryway. Her brother was rooted to the floor. She looked back to Matthew in time to see him turn away and head for the stairs.
Janie wobbly pushed herself off of the couch. The effects of that kiss had yet to wear off. That kiss had told her everything she ever wanted to know about how Matthew Chambers felt about her. It confirmed all her suspicions and she wasn’t letting him go that easily.
“I’m sorry, Janie,” Jake whispered.
She shook her head. “It’s not your fault.”
Janie moved to the stairs and began to carefully climb them. It took her longer than she would have liked. It was painfully slow going, but she hoped it would be worth it.
Clothes were strewn across the room. Drawers were open and empty. Suitcases littered the floors, but were doing little to catch the fistful of clothes being thrown from Matthew’s closet.
“Matthew?”
“Go away, Janie.”
Janie cornered him in the closet. Crossing her arms, she leaned against the door jamb and watched as he haphazardly pulled shirts from his hangers.
“The shoes are next so I would suggest you move,” Matthew harshly retorted as he tried to push past her into the bedroom. Janie shot out her arm and blocked his passage.
“Look at me, Matty,” Janie quietly commanded. Matthew’s head turned the other way. She reached up and cupped the side of his face bringing his gaze to her own. “Don’t leave…please. Not now.”
Matthew’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “I have to, Janie.”He raised his hands and gently dislodged her arm from blocking him.
“Please…please don‘t leave me now. I need you here.” It was her last resort. Her last effective argument. She prayed it would work.
“You’ll be fine on your own, Janie. You don’t need me. You never really did.”
“Yes, I did.”
“When, Janie? When did you ever really need me here?” He angrily bit out, turning to face her. “I screw up everything I touch, Janie.”
“That’s not true!”
“It is true! Look at me, Janie,” he motioned to his arm, rolling back the sleeve to reveal his tattooed bicep. “I was an addict…still am an addict…will always be an addict. It’s time for me to own up to that. Time for me to see if I can make it on my own.”
Janie blinked back the tears and swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. “You are so much more than just an addict, Matthew. You mean so much more to me than just that. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”
Matthew shook his head and started to speak, but Janie moved forward and placed her fingers over his lips. “I know you sat by my bedside everyday while I was in that coma. You started with the Psalms…At first I couldn’t remember who you were, but I was so grateful you were there. I was in and out a lot. I know I would have been lost without those verses to cling to.”
Matthew’s tears started to fall and she gently wiped them away. “It was later in the Psalms that I recognized your voice. I tried to fight for more more moments of clarity, but I was losing. Matthew, I really was losing…” she paused, fighting to maintain her composure. “I knew that if I let go…if I gave up, I would go home. I would be with Jesus and I wanted it very badly. At times, I thought I heard him calling me and then I heard your voice. And I knew it wasn’t time for me to go home yet. God told me through you that I wasn’t finished yet.
“You said, ‘Janie, you fight. Do you hear me? You fight this. I need you here, Janie. I NEED YOU. I can‘t live without you. Please, I…Janie-bug, I love you.’”
Janie stopped, her voice broke under her tumultuous emotions. Tears she had been trying to restrain washed down her face. She had to convince him to stay. She couldn’t lose him…not now. But it felt like a losing battle.
“I need to know if you meant that, Matthew, because I love you and I need you.”
His face twisted in pain and sorrow. He broke away from her. “Don’t say that, Janie.”
“Matthew…”
“It isn’t the same for me.”
“W-What?”
“It just isn’t the same. I can’t love you like that.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Does it really matter?”
His words slammed through her, leaving a growing numbness where her heart should have been.
“I guess it doesn’t,” she whispered. She leaned against the nearest wall for support, forgetting to be careful of her leg. Pain soared up her thigh and into her hips. She gritted her teeth and moved to the door. Jake was standing there. She could see anger rising in his features, but she couldn’t bring herself to feel the same way. She just wanted to be alone.
She could hear their raised voices through the walls of her bedroom. Janie wrapped herself around an old worn teddy bear and closed her eyes against the numbness.
Chapter Ten
It was the second time in her life that she had woken up in a hospital after expecting to die. The harsh lights of the emergency room caused her head to pound even harder. Janie felt vomit hit the back of her throat. She closed her eyes willing the sick feeling away.
Inwardly, she groaned. Somehow her plan had failed. She was still here. The pain was still here. Her heart hurt with longing that would never be filled. Tears slipped down her cheeks. She hadn’t wanted to ever wake up again. That was why she had bought the bottle of Jack Daniels….why she had taken nearly a bottle of her pain medications. She wanted the pain to be over. Suicide seemed much easier
than living.
Matthew had been gone for two years now. She had never heard from him again. He had left that night and seemed to have disappeared. Even Jake hadn’t been able to track him down.
Janie’s spirits had sunk. She didn’t progress with her therapy. She had given it up altogether embracing the limp that the doctor’s predicted would be with her the rest of her life. Her excitement about college had waned, but -it had opened up new doors for drowning her pain.
Alcohol.
She had hoped that the same drug that had threatened to end her life the first time would accomplish the task this time around. It had started with just a few shots of whiskey or vodka at some of the fraternity parties. It dulled her senses. Dulled the ache inside her heart that Matthew had left.
It also lowered her inhibitions.
To avoid her own promiscuity, she started purchasing her liquor at the local package stores. Jack Daniels quickly became her favorite. Last night, she had spent the rest of her life savings and tuition money. She had nothing left. She had bought several bottles of Jack, gin, and vodka.
Going back to her apartment, she had rummaged through her cabinets for the prescription pain killers her doctors had given her. She had refused to take them until now. She never wanted to become like Matthew, but it was then she realized how far she had fallen. She was an addict just like Matthew.
Only she wasn’t like Matthew.
She didn’t want to live. She should have died two years ago.
She had consumed the entire bottle of Jack. She had started on the gin when she started popping the pills. She didn’t remember much after that. Now she was in the hospital…again.
“Janie?” Jake’s voice rang in her ears. Even though he whispered, it sounded like a sledge hammer. “Janie, are you awake?”
Janie squeezed her eyes shut tighter. She wanted to fight against the real world. She didn’t want to see him. She didn’t want to see how happy he was after marrying Shelley or the beautiful babies they had. She wanted out. She wanted out of the nightmare she called life.
It should have been her married to Matthew. It should have been her babies.
“Janie, please…open your eyes.”
Obscenities that made Jake blush erupted from her mouth. As she finished, she added her last request, hoping he would listen to her. “Leave me alone.”
“I can’t, Janie. I love you and I don’t want to lose you…”
“I’ve heard it all before, Jake. It’s a crock of crap and you know it,” she hissed and she harshly rubbed her eyes. “You should have let me go two years ago. Why can’t you let me go now? Oh, that‘s right, you love me. Just like Matthew professed to love me. It a load of….”
“Stop it! Stop it, Janie!”
She saw the tears in her brother’s eyes, knowing that she had pushed to far, but not caring. “You should have spared us all the pain, Jake,” she whispered, as she sat up. Carefully, she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. “And signed the papers two years ago to let me die.”
Jake ran his fingers through his hair as she reached for her cloths. “Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“You can’t…”
“I can and you can’t stop me,” she retorted.
Thirty minutes and many consent forms later, she was discharged.
Janie pulled her car into the parking lot. Digging through her purse, she found a few dollar bills and grinned. Enough to get her at least a six pack. Not her favorite drink of choice, but it would do for now.
Unsteadily, she pushed herself out of the car. She was just reaching the door, when a hand grabbed her wrist. Surprised, she looked up to see the last person she ever expected to see again. Well, the second last person she ever expected to see again.
“Harry?” she croaked.
His eyes narrowed slightly as his gaze flickered over her gaunt face. She saw his jaw clench and saw the unhappiness in his eyes as he finished his assessment. He slowly exhaled, but didn’t lessen his grip on her wrist.
“Come on, Janie. Let me buy you dinner. You look terrible.”
“Why?”
“Why?” his anger flared and Janie felt his grip strengthen. “Because you saved my life once and now it’s my turn.”
She didn’t remember the last time she had eaten. She hadn’t thought she was hungry, but her stomach growled as the bowl of pasta was placed in front of her. She glanced up at Harry, hoping he hadn’t noticed. He was smirking at her, knowingly.
“When’s the last time you ate?”
She looked down at her plate and frowned, suddenly embarrassed. “I-I don’t remember.”
“Too long, then,” he remarked, reaching for her hands. She watched as he bent his head and closed his eyes. He was going to pray. Wow! When was the last time she had done that?
Janie’s food was gone before Harry even had a chance to chew his food. Her cheeks flared a bright red as she tucked her hands back under the table. She quickly looked away, studying the atmosphere.
“Why were you at the liquor store?”
Janie’s attention jerked back to Harry. “Why were you there?” Janie bit out.
He sighed and allowed his fork to rest on the table. Crossing his arms, he leaned back in his chair. He was fifteen years her senior and his age added to his ability to intimidate her. After long moments of silence, Janie finally gave in.
“I wanted something to drink,” she whispered.
“You will never quench your thirst there, Janie. There is only one person who can quench that thirst. You know that.”
Tears started to stream down her face. “I know.”
“I know what its like to not want to live anymore, Janie. It’s my fault that you sit here now in the mess that you’re in,” Janie started to interrupt, but Harry silenced her with a wave of his hand. “But it’s also yours. We have both made decisions that have hurt other people. I hurt you with my decision to drink and drive. You hurt yourself, your brother, and Christ with your decisions to drink.
“All of that being said, Janie, I have experienced mercy and ultimately redemption through Christ. I discovered the Living Water…a Savior because of you Janie. After that day in the courtroom, I vowed to never touch another drink for the rest of my life. What you said about Jesus stuck with me and I began to read my bible. My AA sponsor led me to Christ a few months later.
“I owe my life to you, Janie, and I refuse to let you kill yourself.”
Harry started to pray for her. The prayer was simple and pierced through all of her tall erected barriers. Janie buried her head in her hands, hoping to hid her tears from everyone in the restaurant, but she couldn’t control the sobbing. The dam had finally broken and the events of the last two years came pouring out.
She freely talked about Matthew, the effects of the scarring, and how the drinking had started. Finally, she admitted to how she had been supporting herself and how several times, she had woken up from a stupor next to several men she didn’t even know.
Her heart had shattered when Matthew had left her. She couldn’t understand why she had lived…why she had been denied the one thing that could make her happy.
Harry gently squeezed her hand. “Let me ask you a question, Janie. After everything you’ve been through and done in the last two years, would you feel worthy of Matthew’s love? Would you let him touch you, hold you, make love to you?”
Janie’s face heated again. Knowing that her exploits had been bad, but never as bad as Matty’s, she sighed and shook her head. “No. No, I wouldn’t.”
“Because you don’t know the full extent of God’s redemptive powers. Not yet, anyway. Let me help you. There’s a detox center that is willing to take you tonight. Jake and Shelley have agreed to let you come and stay with them…”
Janie started to shake her head.
Harry stopped, holding his breath, praying she wasn’t turning the whole solution down.
“I can’t stay with them. It’s too painful.”
“Okay, then we’ll find you some sober living arrangements. Then get you enrolled and started in AA. It would be a new start for you away from all of this and all of the pain.”
“I would like that,” she whispered, swiping at her tears. “If I can’t die, I’m sure tired of living like this.”
“Let’s find you a new reason for living.”
Chapter Eleven
Janie’s hands trembled, but not from the detox. Detox was two weeks behind her now. It was a relief to finally be through with the withdrawals - to finally feel clean and purged from the poison that had nearly ruined her life twice.
Harry had walked through the fire of detox with her. He had visited her, counseled her, and prayed with her. Unable to bear the pain of seeing her brother again, he had remained true to his word and helped her find a counseling facility that offered her a chance at living sober.
He had even arranged this doctor’s appointment for her. She blinked up at the doctor, unable to register what the doctor was saying. The doctor kept talking, but she didn’t comprehend a word. She could only stare.
Finally, the doctor had mercy on her, wrote prescriptions and showed her back to the waiting room. Janie numbly walked down the stairs and into the parking lot. Harry was waiting for her.
This could not get any worse.
He stood from the bench he had been waiting on. His smile falling as he noticed her ashen pallor.
“Janie?”
“I’m pregnant.” Janie blurted the words and then couldn’t believe she had actually said them. Misery clouded around her and she slumped down onto the park bench.
“Hey, don’t cry.” Harry’s arms slipped around her shoulders, gathering her into his embrace. She hadn’t felt this safe since Matthew. “This is good news, Janie. Trust me, this is good news.”
“How?” Janie hiccupped. “I was drinking. All this time I’ve been drinking….It’s going to be deformed…have birth defects…all because of me…”