by Lindsey Beck
“Shhh. Don’t panic, Janie. One thing at a time, Sweetheart,” Harry softly interrupted, pulling away from her slightly. Gently, he wiped her tears away. “Now, what did the doctor say? How far along are you?”
“About six weeks,” she whispered. “She said something about abortion and fetal alcohol syndrome…I don’t believe in abortion, Harry.”
“Neither do I. Let’s pray about this, okay? And then we’ll do some research of our own, okay?”
Janie returned back to the sober living home with an armload of research and materials. Harry helped her pour through the pregnancy books, the pamphlets, and the handouts the doctor had given her. In the end, they were even more confused than when they began.
Janie set up another appointment with a different doctor for a second opinion. The doctor didn’t immediately jump to the worst conclusions, but he didn’t give Janie much hope either.
“Basically, its just a crap shot,” Janie explained to Harry as they crossed a narrow bridge over a stream. They were walking along the paths sober living campus park. The gentle breeze ruffled her hair. “There’s a chance nothing will be wrong. And there’s a chance that everything could be wrong. There’s no way to tell until the baby’s born how bad the FAS will be. There may not even be any noticeable signs until the baby is older.”
“Did he say anything else?” Harry asked as they paused at the top of the bridge. Janie picked up a couple of falling leaves and tossed them into the stream below.
She shrugged. “Take my vitamins once a day. Eat healthy. Drink lots of water. Stay away from alcohol…”
Harry chuckled. “All sound advice. No talk of abortion?”
Janie shook her head. “No. I liked him. He was straightforward about the whole situation. Gave me the good, the bad, and the ugly in roughly four sentences. When I left, I noticed a Psalm I memorized after my accident displayed on the check out wall.”
“Which one?”
“But I call to God and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned forever…”
They were quiet for a few moments, absorbing the words along with the events of the past two years. Harry stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He cleared his throat of raw emotion as he gazed into the fall weather.
“Sounds like a good doc.”
She nodded, tossing more leaves over into the stream. “Yeah. I think I’m going to stick with him through the pregnancy,” she sighed. “There’s so much to do before the baby gets here, Harry. I have to get my life together, find a permanent place to live, find a job, get insurance….”
Harry covered her wild flaying hands with his own, stilling them and bringing her a sense of peace. “But you won’t be alone. We will all help you. You can do this…one step at a time, remember?”
“I’m glad you came along when you did, Harry…I really am,” she murmered, tears clogging her sight.
Harry gathered her in his arms. “I’m only returning the grace and the favor that was once extended to me, Janie. You came along just in time for me too.”
Chapter Twelve
Back to the Present
“Why didn’t you tell me that Janie was living here?” Matthew angrily demanded.
Jake chuckled and Matthew could only grip the receiver on the phone tighter.
“I see you two finally ran into each other again. It’s about time. It only took a year.”
“You could have warned me?” Matthew seethed.
“That wouldn’t have been fair, Matthew, and you know it. I respected your requests to not let Janie know where you were or what you were doing. I assumed that would also apply to Janie’s life as well.”
Matthew’s shoulder’s drooped. Jake was right. It wasn’t fair to expect Jake to tell him everything about his sister, especially, when he had asked Jake to keep his own whereabouts a secret.
“Where did you see her?”
“In the square in town. Outside of the coffee shop.”
“Yeah, she owns a small studio not far from there.”
“Really?” Matthew sarcastically bit out. “You mean the building that says Photography by Janie that is only eight blocks away from my own practice?”
“Hey! It’s not my fault that you are oblivious to your surroundings!”
Jake was right again. He had heard about a new photographer moving into town a year ago. She was supposed to be quite good. He had just never had a reason to seek her out. And between the farm and his office, his days were demandingly full. It was exactly the way he liked it.
“Okay. Okay…Sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” Jake teased. “So what happened?”
Matthew swore and then immediately regretted it. He was going to have to get his temper under control. “Your sister is too stubborn for her own good.”
“Yes, well, you should know that better than anyone.”
“She saw Angel,” Matthew paused, looking up to the ceiling. “She decided to wait me out.”
Jake was laughing again. “And you couldn’t just walk away?”
Matthew scowled. He hated when Jake was right. He hated that the man and his sister knew him so well. “You know I couldn’t. I haven’t seen her in eight years.”
“By your own choice. And how you‘ve been able to withstand it is beyond me.”
“Come on, Jake. We’ve had this discussion before. We both know she deserves someone better.” Not that Jake hadn’t tempted him a lot in the past few years. Somehow, this simple truth kept him from asking about Janie - finding out where she was and starting a new life with her and God at its center.
“And I have yet to agree with you. Apparently, Janie doesn’t either. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be so upset.”
He was right again. He rolled his eyes, asking himself how he could stand to be best friends with Jake.
“What did she do?” Jake asked.
“Can’t you talk to her? Tell her to stay away from me?
“Janie is her own person, Matthew. A lot has happened in the last few years that you don’t know anything about. I could no more tell her to stay away from you than I could tell her to stop breathing. If you want her to stay away, then you tell her,” Jake emphatically replied. “But I don’t think that’s what you really want.”
“I have work to do.”
“Of course, you do. Try not to hurt my sister too much. Okay?”
“Yeah, whatever.”
Matthew hung up the phone and walked out to the barn beside his house. He had some chores that needed to be done and he had enough pent-up anger to see him through the night.
Janie let out a long slow breath as she finally finished developing the last of her film. She sat back in satisfaction and stared at the work of her hands. The deep rooted fulfillment felt good…not as good as painting, but still good. No matter how hard she tried, she hadn’t been able to paint in almost ten years.
Janie stood and moved to her sink. She was out of soap and started to reach below the sink to refill her container when pain shot through her left shoulder. She hissed, rising quickly.
Last year, she had fallen while trying to get photographs of a local canyon at sunset. She had rolled to prevent her camera from being damaged and had injured her shoulder. The shot had been worth it in the end, bringing in a sale of several thousand dollars, but the incident had deeply hurt her shoulder.
She sighed, it was finally time to admit that the pain was getting worse and not healing on its own. Her doctor had recently recommended a good physical therapist as the last course of action before surgery.
Janie hadn’t like either option.
She had dreaded going back into therapy. She had spent too much time in therapy enduring the torture of learning to walk again. She wasn’t jumping at the chance to return there to deal with something as simple as a shoulder injury.
But she also wasn’t jumping
at the chance to go back under the knife to rack up some additional scars.
As Janie rubbed the growing ache in her shoulder, she knew she was ready to admit defeat. This was getting worse. It wasn’t healing with time as she had hoped. She would call the office tomorrow and see if they could fit her in this week.
Janie shifted uncomfortably on the exam table. She cleared her throat and tried to relax. She really didn’t want to be here. Ever since her accident, she had hated doctor’s offices. She especially hated physical therapist offices. Being here brought back memories of traction, forced exercises, and pain. She shuddered. If it hadn’t been for Matthew, she probably would have never walked again.
Her shoulder wasn’t bothering her too much today. Maybe if she just left now…The rustling at the door told her it was too late. Someone - probably the therapist - was taking her chart down from the door and looking over her records. She groaned. The last thing she wanted to do, besides be here, was go over her extensive medical history.
She was surprised when the door opened so quickly. It usually took them longer to peruse her records and all of the doctor’s notations. How good could this physical therapist be if he didn’t take the time to read over charts?
“Matthew?” His name slipped out before her brain caught up with reality.
His head jerked up in surprise from her chart. Janie’s stomach dropped. This was a terrible mistake. She should have trusted her gut and never kept this appointment. She should have never even made this appointment.
Janie’s cheeks flushed as she hurriedly jumped off of the table and began gathering her personal belongings. After yesterday….Oh, this didn’t look good. He would think the worst of her. He would think she was pursuing him…And given their past, he knew she would never willingly cross the threshold of a therapist‘s office again.….He would think she was chasing him, again. Janie’s cheeks burned brighter. She had to get out of here.
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea,” she murmured, bending to pick up her purse. She grimaced as she reached with the wrong arm and pain shot through her shoulder. “I didn’t know this was your clinic. I would have never….I’m sorry.”
She would just learn to live with this pain. Anything was better than this humiliation. Maybe the doctor could give her the name of a different therapist. Or maybe just something for the pain….
“You’re in pain.”
Janie looked up. Matthew was flipping through her chart. He paused and met her gaze. “Sit down, Janie.” He took her purse, placed it back in the chair beside the table. “It must be a considerable amount.”
“It’s nothing that I can’t live with,” she hurriedly explained.
Matthew nodded his head to her long sleeve shirt. “Do you have a tank top on under that shirt?”
“Yes.”
“I noticed you cringing when you used that arm to pick up your purse. That’s not something you can live with. Now take off your shirt and let me examine you.”
“Really, Matthew, you don’t have to -”
“Now, Janie,” Matthew crossed his arms and stared pointedly at her.
She sighed and quickly unbuttoned the shirt. Why did she have no self-control when it came to this man? Why was she doing what he said? Why wasn’t she leaving? She shouldn’t even be here.
She grimaced again as she pulled her arm out of the sleeve. Matthew rushed forward to help her. He paused as he noticed the tattoos revealed by her tank top.
“Very interesting,” Matthew muttered. “This looks like Henry’s work.”
Janie didn’t think her cheeks could blaze any hotter. She followed his gaze to the artwork on her arms he was now appraising. Lightly he traced the outline of white lilies growing around a deep green vine that twisted around her arm and up to her shoulder. Goosebumps erupted on her skin as his warm fingertips grazed lightly over her skin.
Janie’s heart sped as his eyes floated down her arm and back to her neck. She watched as his eyes flowed from her shoulder to her chest where the flowers plunged beneath the top. Quickly, he averted his gaze and questioningly sought her gaze. Janie swallowed, knowing the answer to the question in his eyes. A question he would never voice. The tattoo didn’t stop at her chest, but rather went down her back, across her chest, around her stomach and down her right leg.
She tried to think of something else. At least, Henry would be thrilled that Matthew recognized his work so easily.
“You should know. You have several of his own across your own back and arms.”
Matthew chuckled. “I just never figured you for much of a masochist. This must have taken years to complete.”
Janie shrugged. “They serve their purpose,” she replied nonchalantly. She felt everything but nonchalant. “Something beautiful covering up something horrible.”
Matthew scowled and lifted her arm. Janie gritted her teeth, determined that she would not show any weakness. “When did the pain start?”
“Last year when I fell.”
“You fell?”
“Yeah. It’s in the questionnaire I filled out. You would know if you read my chart.”
Matthew lifted an eyebrow and reassessed his chart. “I should think that I would be the best one to treat you….considering I am so intimately aware of your extensive medical history…” he muttered, kicking himself for not studying the chart closer. He should have done it before entering the exam room, but he preferred to get information first hand from his patients rather than reading it. “You were taking a picture in the canyon! That place is too dangerous to be at alone! Janie, you could have been killed.”
Her chin defiantly jutted forward. “It was one of my best shots.”
“It couldn’t have been worth it.”
“My bank account would have to disagree,” Janie heatedly returned. She wasn’t backing down from this argument. Love of her life or not, it was time that Matthew learned she was a different person than she was eight years ago. She was stronger than she used to be, more certain about what she wanted than before. “And why would you care anyway? You haven’t exactly made a point in talking to me in the last decade!”
“Your range of motion is definitely decreased.” He began scribbling away in her chart.
“Are you even going to address my question?”
“Let’s go ahead and plan on some cortisone injections and some therapy treatments…”
“Absolutely n –”
“Have dinner with me,” Matthew softly said, not looking up from his notations.
“Tonight?”
Matthew moved away from her chart and back to her arm. Gently, he began to rotate her shoulder. Janie swallowed hard, willing herself not to react to his warm touch or the effect it had on her.
“Yes, tonight. You’re my last patient. There’s a new restaurant that just opened up that I’ve wanted to try.”
Janie blinked. Matthew was asking her to dinner? He had never asked her to dinner before. “Are you feeling okay?”
Matthew sighed. “We used to be friends. I haven’t seen you in a while and I think we should catch up.”
“Oh.” Janie’s spirits sank a little. Why did she always do this to herself? Maybe she wasn’t any different than the person she had been eight years ago. She was still like a little puppy begging for attention…any scrap of attention from Matthew. She already knew she would go and she hated herself for it.
Matthew made a few hurried notations and then returned the file to his receptionist. All the while, regretting the invitation he had just made. He hated that Jake was right. More than that, he hated the fact that he couldn’t stay away from Janie.
He looked out across the lobby and watched as she shifted her weight. He knew without words that her right leg was bothering her. He knew a lot about this woman and still she surprised him.
She was braver than he remembered and more willing to speak her mind. And the tattoos…he would have never pegged her to get a tattoo much less the tattoo he had seen on her arm and chest. And what d
id she mean that they served a purpose?
He wondered how far that tattoo went down and where it stopped. Matthew physically tore himself away from those thoughts. He didn’t need the added temptation plaguing his thought life.
One thing was certain. She was still incredibly beautiful. He couldn’t help but admire the soft curves that were now outlined in her clothing. She was no longer wearing the baggy mechanic uniforms, but her style was still simple, modern, and modest. Qualities he rather liked.
Janie sat down in one of the chairs and crossed her legs. Edges of wrapped vines and flower petals peeked out from the hem of her jeans. It went all the way down.
Matthew groaned, knowing thoughts of that tattoo would haunt him all night long. Silently he sent up a prayer heavenward. He was going to need it to get through dinner without taking her in his arms.
There was a new certainty settling around Matthew’s heart and he would need all the strength he could muster to keep himself away from Janie.
Chapter Fourteen
Janie wasn’t sure when the evening had turned into a disaster. She was pretty sure it was shortly after they had finished their dinners. Janie bit her lip as she silently walked down the dock neighboring the restaurant. She sat down at the end and lazily swung her legs over the edge.
She ran her fingers through her short blond hair, sighing heavily. She should give up. She should have given up a long time ago. Matthew would never see her side of the equation and she should stop hoping.
She had enjoyed hearing about the curveballs life had thrown at Matthew. She was extremely proud of everything he had accomplished in the last eight years and also surprised. He had finally graduated at the top of his class, moved to this small town, and had bought a farm.
A farm. Matthew Chambers owned a full fledged farm. The irony didn’t escape her. The city boy had become a country boy and the country girl had become a city girl. But she understood his rationale. He had always wanted a place to call his own - a home. She didn’t understand her rationale for living in town - just that it suited her lifestyle for now.
They had danced around the more serious topics. Both were afraid of the old memories that could be stirred. Finally, he had slipped up and asked her why she had never married. She had turned the question to him rather than answer it.