by Lindsey Beck
“I need to get better quickly.”
“Then you shouldn’t have let this go for so long,” Matthew argued, gentling his voice to sooth away the challenge he heard in hers. She was hurting from a lot more than just her arm. Yesterday’s argument was still bothering her. It was still bothering him.
“This will take time to heal. Slower is better.”
Janie mumbled as he turned away to make some notations in her chart. “I’m sorry about yesterday,” he softly admitted.
“It’s okay. I’m sure I shocked you plenty the last few days.”
“Partly my fault. I should have been there for you, Janie. You should have never gone through the things that you did.”
“I made choices, Matthew. Same as everybody else. You‘re not responsible for those decisions,” Janie replied as she slipped off the table. “Why did you leave, Matty?”
“It’s complicated.”
Janie opened her mouth to argue, but Matthew held up his hand to interrupt her. He already knew she was spoiling for a fight and she would not settle for a half-hearted explanation. And he wasn’t finished with his explanation yet. “But a lot of it had to do with you and me. You were recovering and I felt the need for some space. I needed to prove that I could make it in this life without you and Jake. I needed to prove to myself that I was more than just a recovering addict.” And I needed space from you to protect you from me, he silently added.
“You were always more than just a recovering addict, Matty. Had you been planning to leave? Or did you leave because of the kiss?”
Matthew swallowed hard, knowing a truthful answer was going to reveal more than he wanted. “Both.”
Matthew watched an array of emotions cross her expression as she searched his gaze. He felt helpless to stop the pain he was invoking.
“So you were planning to leave me,” she whispered.
“Not just you…Jake too.”
“But you left because of the kiss too? I don’t understand.”
“I planned to leave once you were back on the road to recovery, Janie. The kiss sped up the timeline,” he paused, willing the next words from his mouth. They would only be half-truths and he hated how they would hurt her. “You always felt too much for me, Janie. It was never like that for me. I couldn’t be there the way you wanted me to.”
Matthew’s gaze dropped to her hands. She was absently rubbing the inside of her palm. “So, Jake was right. I was always just the little sister of your best friend.”
“No. It wasn’t like that,” he reached for her hand, but she pulled it just out of his grasp. “You were like a sister to me, too.” Sister, friend, lover, soul mate…
“I see,” she whispered. Janie retrieved her purse from the nearby chair. “I guess I’ve been wrong all these years, Matthew. Thanks for helping with the shoulder. I’ll see you next week.”
Before he could stop her, Janie had exited the exam room and was already down the hallway.
“Okay, so tell me what’s bothering you,” Shelley wedged herself onto the picnic table beside Janie. They had met at a park halfway between their two homes so that Emma could play with her cousins and vice versa. Janie had spent the first part of the afternoon, snapping photos of the group in action back dropped in the beautiful colors of fall. Now she was brooding at the picnic tables, munching on the leftover lunch the kids didn’t eat.
“Am I that obvious?” Janie asked, moving over to give Shelley more room.
“Yep,” Shelley teased, biting into an Oreo cookie.
Janie grinned. “You have no shame.”
“Never needed any.”
Janie chuckled and looked over at Emma as the boys tried to tag her.
“Out with it, Janie.”
She sighed and dejectedly threw down her latest cookie. “Where we wrong about Matthew?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, did we see more than what was really there?”
“Okay. Back up and tell me what you are talking about.”
Janie quickly recapped the last week for Shelley and then sighed as she came to the conversation yesterday. “I asked him why he left.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yep. I sure did.”
“What did he say?”
“That I felt to much for him and that I was like a sister to him.”
Shelley shook her head. “I’m not buying it. I saw that man sit by your bedside, pray for you, read for you, and hold your hand. I saw him help you through recovery and physical therapy.”
“It’s no less than I did for him when he went through rehab,” Janie softly replied, looking down at her hands.
Shelley gently touched her shoulder. “And you were in love with him when you did.”
Janie shrugged. “What does it matter? I have Emma and a good career. I have you and Jake, Harry and Diane. There’s nothing more that I could ask for. I’ve been blessed.”
“You could ask for a partner, a friend, a lover…How about a father for Emma? Someone to help you raise her and bear life’s burdens? Someone to fall asleep with at night and pray with when times are tough? What about those things?”
“Maybe I’m not meant to have any of those things,” Janie sorrowfully whispered. “I’ve loved Matthew my entire life. There’s no one else that I want. I’ve waited eight years to finally see him again. Now that I have, I can have some closure. He really doesn’t feel the same about me. I have to accept that and move on with life, knowing I will probably never have any of the things you just described.”
Concern etched Shelley’s face as she studied her friend. “You could always date other men? See what other fish are out there.”
Janie shook her head. “Matthew’s it for me, Shelley. I need to get used to being alone.”
“You’re four o’clock just canceled.”
“Thanks, Debbie,” Matthew said as his receptionist shut the door to his office. He glanced at the clock and then picked up his phone. He hated Mondays. He was ready for it to be over, but he wasn’t about to let his last appointment of the day cancel on him. He had been waiting all weekend for four o’clock Monday.
“Hello?”
“Janie?”
“Matthew?”
“You canceled your appointment?”
“Yes, sorry. I can’t make it.”
“Come on, Janie. Your shoulder is never going to get better if you skip physical therapy. You need to do the exercises on a regular basis…”
“I know, Matthew. I know, but Harry and Diane came down with the flu and couldn’t keep Emma today.”
The reality of Janie‘s life as a single mother punched him in the gut. He had never considered the difficulties she faced on a daily basis being a mother and working. He had been keeping the idea of Janie being a mother separate from who she really was. “Bring her with you.”
“What? I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“She would be into everything, Matthew. She doesn’t sit still for very long and she’s very curious about everything.”
“It’s fine. It’s my office and I don’t care if she gets into everything. Bring her with you.”
Janie dipped her finger into the sticky sweet and sour sauce and grinned. “This is heaven,” she sighed, closing her eyes to savor the flavor.
Matthew chuckled as he watched her face. “Really? McDonald’s sticky sweet and sour sauce, huh?” He reached over and dunked his own finger into the sauce. He popped the finger into his mouth and sucked off the sauce. “Nope. I don’t see it.”
“Hmm,” Janie chided with a small glint in her eyes. “You have no idea.”
“Really? Enlighten me.”
“Well, it’s not so much the sweet and sour sauce, you see, but the fact that there is a playground,” Janie waved to the play area in front of them where Emma was piloting a rubber airplane. “Cheap and fast food complete with toy,” she teased, picking up the remnants of Emma’s happy meal. “And time to actually sit down and eat a meal in leisure.”
Matthew laughed. “Emma’s amazing, by the way.”
“I like to think so, but I’m biased.”
“So Harry and Diane keep her during the day?”
Janie shook her head. “No. Owning my own business has lots of perks. She stays with me most of the time, but Harry and Diane keep her when I have photo shoots or doctor’s appointments.”
He frowned as Janie looked away and chewed on the end of a French fry. “Don’t you ever have time for yourself?”
She shrugged. “She spends the night with Jake and Shelley occasionally. That gives me some time.”
She shouldn’t have to work so hard. Matthew tried to hide his discontent, but Janie just smiled. “What? I’m happy, Matthew. I’m sober. That has to count for something.”
Matthew shook his head. “What about your paintings?”
“What about them? I haven’t painted in over eight years. I haven’t had the desire or the inclination to. I consider that part of my life over. I have photography now and it helps me express my inner artist.”
“Such a waste. You were very talented.”
“I am very talented, you mean.”
“Matty! Matty! Look at me!” Emma called from the top of the slide. Matthew looked up just in time to see her throw her legs out and zoom down the slide.
“W-o-o-o-w! Would you look at that! That was awesome!” Matthew shouted as he left the table and met her at the bottom of the slide. He scooped her up into his arms and planted her on top of his shoulders. Emma shrieked as he carried her around the enclosed playground.
“Do you think Matty will be here, Momma?” Emma asked a week later as they stepped into the movie theater.
“I don’t know, Sweetheart. Does it really matter?” Janie asked.
Emma solemnly nodded. “Yes. I really like Matty. He’s nice and he gives great pony rides.”
“Well, Sweetheart, Matty is a grown man. I don’t know that he’s going to want to come to a children’s movie.”
“But the whole church was invited, Mom. You did remember to tell him, right?”
“Yes, I told him yesterday. You told him yesterday. But, Sweetheart, he may have had other plans and we can‘t expect him to be with us all the time.”
“But why?”
“Because.”
“What’s the matter, Mom? Don’t you like, Matty?”
“I love, Matty, Sweetie. He’s like a brother to me.”
“Does that mean I should call him Uncle Matty like I call Uncle Jake?”
“Hmmm. I don’t know. We could ask.”
“LOOK, MOM! He’s here!” Emma took off in a run before Janie could stop her. By the time Janie had turned around, Emma had launched herself into the large leather chested man’s arms.
“Hi, Em-bug!” Matthew greeted as he squeezed the little girl tighter. “Where’s your Mom?”
“Hi, Matthew. Sorry about that,” Janie said as Emma began to chat a mile a minute. Matthew laughed and repositioned her in his arms so that he could walk. Janie trailed behind slightly, feeling a little like the odd man out as they made their way to the movie theater.
Matthew paused at the door and opened it. He smiled down at her as she passed. It was a smile that she hadn’t seen since Matthew was a boy. The last time she remembered seeing it was the last time he had been truly happy.
For the first time, she actually felt a little jealous of her daughter. Janie wished she could have been the cause of that smile.
Chapter Thirteen
Two months later
Matthew shut off the motorcycle, kicked out the stand, and removed his helmet. He hurriedly climbed off the bike. The street lights barely illuminated Janie’s studio.
In a frenzy, Matthew secured his bike and then ran around to the rear of the building. He took the rear steps two at a time until he reached the private door to her living quarters. He rang the door bell and stepped back. It felt like an eternity before she answered the door a few minutes later.
Janie was clutching Emma, tears creeping into her eyes. Janie’s hair was dripping puddles of water onto the trembling little girl whose hair was also wet.
“Matthew? Thank you for coming. I wasn’t sure what to do.”
Matthew pushed the door open and stepped into her living quarters. Janie had called him fifteen minutes ago in a panic. He hadn‘t been able to make out much just that something was wrong with Emma and she needed his help. “What’s wrong?”
“She has a fever…106. I can’t seem to bring it down. She woke up a few hours ago and it’s been climbing ever since.” Matthew recognized the creeping panic in her voice. “I tried to call Harry, but they didn’t answer.”
Matthew reached forward and felt Emma’s head. Feeling how hot the little girl was, he gathered Emma into his arms. Emma began to cry, but Matthew’s medical training kicked in.
“It’s going to be okay, Janie. Calm down, okay?” he assertively stated, reaching out and gently cupping Janie’s jaw. When he saw the panic lessen slightly, he continued on. “Have you given her anything?”
“Tylenol…about an hour ago.”
“Do you have any Children’s Motrin?’
“I’m not sure. I’ll go check.” Janie began to rush from the room.
“Janie?”
“Yeah?”
“Bathroom?”
“Down the hall and to your left.”
Matthew picked Emma up again and moved her to the bathroom. He quickly ran a tepid bath and deposited her into the tub. Emma’s cries turned to screams as he began to douse her with the cool water.
“Here,” Janie shoved the bottle of Motrin at Matthew as she joined him on the bathroom floors. “Don’t cry, Emma. Momma’s here.”
Emma’s crying only worsened, but Matthew continued with the buckets of water. After nearly thirty agonizing minutes, Emma’s fever began to decline. Matthew let Janie take her from the shower and dress her.
Matthew gently touched Janie’s shoulder. “She’s going to be okay, Janie, but I would feel better getting her checked out. Let’s go ahead and take her to the hospital.”
The hours seemed to pass in the Emergency Room slower than normal, but finally Emma was seen, diagnosed with strep throat, and sent home with a prescription of antibiotics.
Matthew had driven Janie’s car to the emergency room. As the two girls, drifted to sleep in the back seat, Matthew stopped at a local Walgreens and had the prescription filled. Afterwards, he drove through an all night McDonalds and picked up Big Macs, a couple of orders of French fries and apple pies.
As he pulled up to Janie’s house, he peaked into the backseat. The girl’s heads rested against each other. Matthew’s gut knotted. Janie and Emma’s hair matched so perfectly that it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began.
Desire for what could have been roared to life in his stomach. This feeling flared more often now during the last two months. Truth be told, he was even more in love with Janie now than he had been eight years ago. He should have stayed away, but Emma kept drawing him back. He loved her too.
That could have been his daughter…
Matthew physically pushed the thought away by getting out of the car. He unlocked the house. When he returned, Janie was stretching, blinking against the bright porch lights. Matthew reached in and unbuckled Emma, tucking her safely into his arms. He glanced at Janie and smiled.
“Mickey D’s is the front. Grab it for me, would you?”
“Sure. Thanks.”
“No problem.”
Janie followed Matthew into the house. She swapped the fast food with Matthew for Emma’s antibiotic. She gently prodded the little girl awake and gave her the artificially sweet smelling liquid. Emma quickly fell asleep again. Janie checked her forehead once again. Satisfied that she wasn’t running a high fever again, she joined Matthew in the kitchen.
She snagged a few fries and then sank, exhausted, into her chair. “Thank you for coming Matthew. I don‘t know what I would have done without y
ou.”
He grinned. “Anything for you, Janie,” he paused, biting into his burger, followed by a large gulp of coke. “You can call me anytime, you know that.”
“Thanks.”
They chewed thoughtfully for a few moments. Janie downed a large amount of coke before she glanced at the clock and yawned. “I can’t believe its 3 AM. It seems like it took forever.”
Matthew’s silly smile widened. “Yeah. Emergency rooms are like that. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait,” Matthew’s concerned gaze swept over her face. “Hopefully, you don’t come down with it, too. Strep is highly contagious.”
She shrugged. “I’ll get through it somehow even if I do.”
His smile fell as he studied her. “It’s hard for you, isn’t it? Being a single mom.”
“Yes. It’s hard to watch her grow up without a Dad. It will be even tougher when she starts to ask questions…and I don’t have the answers. For now, she thinks this is how it’s supposed to be.”
“What will you tell her?”
Janie sighed. “I have nothing but the truth, Matty. I’m not proud of what I was, but I won’t hide it from her.”
Matthew finished off his meal in silence and then leveled his gaze at her. “Emma should start to feel better in a day or so. Why don’t you both come to the farm this weekend?”
Janie’s eyes lit up. “She’ll love that.”
“Good. Jake and Shelley have agreed to come too. It will be like old times.”
Her smile faltered somewhat, but she covered it quickly. “Just like old times.”
Matthew’s prediction was right and Emma was feeling better by the weekend. Her pediatrician had signed off a clean bill of health and instructed Janie to finish out the course of antibiotics.
“You can hardly tell she was sick,” Shelley commented as she joined Janie at the coral. Emma was laughing and screaming as she and her older cousins chased Matthew around. Matthew reached back, caught her, and threw her up in the air. Giggles erupted as he attacked her with a round of tickling.
Janie’s heart lurched. Emma and Matthew had been together nearly all day. He had taken her on a pony ride, showed her the goats, let her hold baby chicks, and offered to take her fishing next weekend. Emma’s eyes had lit with excitement…more than anything Janie had ever seen. It was plainly evident that Emma was missing a key element in her life. An element Janie didn’t think she would ever be able to provide.