by Lindsey Beck
She hated his reply. It sounded rather like a cop out that an actual reason.
“I’m scarred, Janie. No woman deserves to be burdened with my past.”
“Wouldn’t that be the woman’s decision?”
“No. It’s mine.”
“I see,” And here, her temper had gotten the better of her. She had dug through her purse, searching for her precious six year token. She stood once she found it and threw it across the table to him. He had fumbled to catch it. “You think you are the only one with a past? You think you are the only one with scars - addictions? Well, I have scars too. Scars that can be seen and scars that are on my very soul. Based on your criteria, I guess I’m out of luck in the marriage department too.”
Then, she had stormed out. Too angry to go to the car, she had opted to walk down the dock that overlooked the lake next to the restaurant. She rubbed her eyes trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. And now, she didn’t even have her token anymore. Her sponsor was going to kill her.
“So do you want to share what happened when I left?”
Janie jumped at the sound of his voice. She was shocked that he had followed her. Usually it was the other way around. Matthew sat down beside her. Taking her hand, he gently deposited the coin into her palm and closed her fingers around it.
The corner of Janie’s mouth slightly raised in a half smile. She stuffed the AA token into her coat pocket. “I fell apart.”
“I gathered as much. Care to elaborate?”
She shrugged. “Right or wrong, you were pretty much the glue holding me together back then. I mean, I knew Jake loved me, but I didn’t fight to stay alive for Jake,” she softly stated, her face reddening with embarrassment. She couldn’t believe she was admitting this to him…again.
“I started school in the fall. I was searching for a way out of the pain in my life. After you left, my whole reason for existing left. I didn’t understand why God had let me live…what was the point of fighting for my life if you weren’t going to be in it. My life became nothing but pain and how to survive it. I wanted a way to deaden the pain so I started going to parties. There were drugs there of course, but if I had wanted to do drugs I could have already done that…what with all the pain pills the doctors had prescribed me,” she paused reflectively. “No, I had seen what drugs could do to a person. I didn’t think there was any harm in just a few drinks.”
“But it didn’t stop there,” Matthew knowingly filled in.
“No, it didn’t. I liked the way I felt when I was drunk and I slept better. Soon, it was more than just a few drinks at parties. I didn’t need the parties anymore to get drunk. I bought my own. Whiskey, vodka, rum, beers…anything to numb my emotions so that I wouldn’t have to deal with reality,” a sad smile twisted her lips. “Whiskey became my favorite poison. I could pass out faster with it.
“One night, after a pretty massive binge, I woke up in the emergency room.”
“Alcohol poisoning?”
Janie nodded. “Turns out pumping my stomach botched my suicide plans…”
“Suicide?” Matthew’s voice caught in his throat.
“Jake was there. He had been crying…told me he couldn’t lose me and that he loved me. I was such a brat. I told him I had heard that all before.”
Matthew’s jaw hardened as he looked out over the water. “Did Jake get you help?”
Janie shook her head. “I wouldn’t let him.”
“What!” Matthew’s anger nearly brought him off the dock.
“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help, Matthew. You know that,” Janie softly stated.
“And you didn’t want help?”
“No. I didn’t want to live anymore. I stopped to buy beer on the way home from the hospital and I was going to drink myself into oblivion again.”
They were silent for a few minutes, each absorbed in their own thoughts. Matthew slowly released a long breath. “So, what eventually made you turn the corner?”
“Jake sent Harry Loggins to stop me.”
“The drunk who hit you head on?”
Janie grinned. “He doesn’t have that title in my life anymore. He’s my sponsor now.”
“What happened?”
“Harry stopped me at the liquor store and convinced me to go to dinner with him,” she paused, throwing a small pebble into the center of the lake. “And for the first time, someone really listened to me. I don’t know why, but I was in the mood for sharing. I told him everything and then…then he prayed for me. It was the simplest prayer that I had ever heard, but it was like a life shock to my heart.
“I didn’t stop crying for two whole days, but I didn’t drink. Harry took me to detox, and my first AA meeting and from there became my sponsor.”
“So you’ve been sober for six years now?”
Janie nodded. “I don’t know where I would be if God hadn’t sent Harry into my life.”
“The same place I would be if God hadn’t sent you and Jake into my life.”
Janie sighed.
“What?”
“I was just thinking about how ironic it all really is.”
“Okay, I’ll bite. Tell me.”
“Well, you’ve always had me on some type of pedestal, Matty. I think you saw me as someone who could absolutely do no wrong. You never really saw the real me. You saw a straight A, goody two shoes, Christian girl. You always saw yourself as some major screw up who could never measure up. All I ever saw was just you. You were a lost and scared little boy who was hungry for the truth who longed for love and a family.
“Now, you’re the one who graduated at the top of your class with honors. You have the career you always dreamed about and the farm to call home. I’m the college drop out with an addiction that I still have problems conquering. I live in a small apartment above my studio with a small area for painting that has remained untouched,” she paused, smirking. “So you have to ask yourself, who the real failure was. The irony really and truly is that I am really no longer worthy of you.”
Matthew threw his keys down on the coffee table and sank down on the couch. Wearily, he rubbed his face. How did everything get so turned around? And why hadn’t he known Janie needed help?
Because of the promise he had exacted from Jake.
He had re-established contact with Jake several years ago, but with one stipulation. Janie could never know anything about him. She knew that Jake kept in touch with him, but she never knew any specifics.
Still, he had trusted Jake to at least tell him if something like this was happening to Janie.
Then again, why should he? Jake knew how Matthew felt about Janie and still Matthew had left her. No matter how right he thought his intentions, he had given up every right to know what was going on in her life.
And how could she even think that she was not worthy of him?
This was all screwed up and it was all his fault.
He should have never left her like that. He still thought that leaving was the right thing to do, but he should have explained himself. He should have told her he loved her and always had.
That was the reason why he hadn’t dated in over ten years, the reason why there was no other woman in his life, and the reason why there would never be another woman in his life.
But his love was also the reason why he had had to leave and stay away. How in the world did he explain that to someone as stubborn as Janie? One thing was for sure, he would try to tomorrow. And he would explain to her that he couldn’t see her again except as a patient.
“I’ll be up in just a minute.”
Matthew closed the door to the small studio. It was the end of the day. Truthfully, he had hoped that maybe she wouldn’t be open and he could avoid this for a little longer. He slowly circled the small studio taking in some of her work. He was all too familiar with her style.
He stopped by a small album and began to flip through the smooth pages. Pictures of babies, families, and weddings lit up the pages i
n black and white stills. One portrait caught his eye and instinctively he knew that it was Janie.
The subject’s face was skillfully obscured from view. Instead, the still shot seemed to draw focus to the designs that were intertwined on her limbs. Matthew now had a direct answer to his question about her tattoos. Desire flared in his stomach.
The portrait still maintained Janie’s sense of modesty. A soft sheath covered her breasts and thighs, but her stomach was bare as well as her back, easily allowing the viewer to appreciate the detailed handiwork of a talented ink artist. Nothing could be seen that wasn’t generally appreciated in a bathing suit, but still it took his breath away.
“I did that one for Henry,” Janie softly stated, reaching forward and closing the book. Matthew turned to her, noting the color that had reached her face. “It was a little embarrassing, but I figured I owed him. He did give me a huge discount on the tattoos.”
“I’m sure that he was inspired by a certain artist’s handiwork.” Janie’s face flared even brighter. “How long did it take?”
“Several years. Mostly because I traveled so much. Henry had to fit me in whenever I was back in town.”
Matthew glanced back at the closed book. “Why so many?”
She absently shrugged. “They covered up the ugly scars.”
Matthew’s eyes swung back to hers, locking onto her gaze. “They were apart of you. They could never be ugly.”
Janie blinked at the sudden compliment. At a loss for words, she turned away. “I’m not exactly pretty anymore, Matty. No one wants someone who looks like they were patched back together like Frankenstein.”
Matthew’s hand stopped her. “Who told you, you weren’t beautiful?” he asked, discarding her casual use of the word ’pretty.’ “And where in the world did you get the idea that no one would want you?”
“You left, didn’t you?” the words were barely more than a whisper, but they punctured his heart. Janie took several steps away from him, swiping her eyes. She moved to the door and turned her open sign over. “Just in time, I was going to close up right before you got here.”
“Janie, don’t change the subject.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to rehash the past again. I had enough of that last night.”
“Why can’t you just let the past go? We could be friends,” Matthew was exasperated.
“No.”
“No?”
“Because despite what you say, Matthew, I know how you feel.”
“You don’t know anything! We shared a couple of very heated and passionate kisses. You think I haven’t done that before. I’ve done that and worse.” Matthew saw the color drain from her face, but he was too angry to regret the words yet. “I’m not a saint, Janie. I’m not proud of what I did in the past. Why can’t you understand that? I was a drug addict. I stole to get high. I sold drugs to kids. I had sex with people I can’t even remember. I shot up with junkies and sold myself to get high on some more. You think that’s something I really want to share with anyone? You think that someone should still love me once all is said and done? I am what the bible calls the worst of all sinners. If there is a sin to be committed, believe me Janie, I’ve done it. Whatever you think you‘ve done, believe me I have done worse.”
There was a light knock on the door. Janie turned away from him to answer it. Matthew ran his fingers through his hair and let out a frustrated groan.
“Hi, Harry.”
Matthew looked up at the name to see the familiar man coming in through the front door. He was caring a small sleeping child in his arms. Janie wouldn’t meet his eyes as she led Harry over to him in the cramped space.
“Harry, this is Matthew. Matthew, this is Harry.”
By the way she said it, Matthew knew that Harry was familiar with his track record with Janie. If that hadn’t tipped him off, the way the man was now sizing him up only confirmed it. Harry nodded once at Matthew and then turned to Janie.
“She wore herself out today at the park. Dianne and I already fed her and bathed her for you so she’s ready for bed.”
“Thanks for watching her today, Harry. You and Dianna are life-savers. Would you mind putting her upstairs in her room for me?”
“No problem.” Harry moved past him with the sleeping child and Matthew felt his stomach drop as he caught sight of the little girls blond braids.
She looked exactly like the little girl that Matthew had met almost twenty-five years ago.
“You don’t owe him anything,” Harry hissed, as Janie rushed ahead of him and opened the door leading to her living quarters. “I heard what he was saying to you, Janie. Anyone within half a block could hear.”
“I know that, Harry. I really do and I appreciate your concern.”
Harry studied her face for several heartbeats. “But you’re not going to listen to me, are you?”
“No. No, I’m not. Matthew has never understood the full reach of God’s ability to redeem. He still doesn’t. I can’t ignore that and I can‘t stop trying to show him that.”
“But you have so much more to be concerned with now than before.”
Janie’s eyes fell to her little girl and she sighed. “I know.”
“I don’t want to see you hurting again.”
Janie slowly exhaled. “I love him, Harry. I can’t stop it. You know that.”
Harry shook his head. “Don’t I know it. Dianna and I talk about it all the time.”
“Dianna is a smart woman. I’m glad you found and married her, Harry.”
“I’ll be back down in a second. Don’t let him crush you again, Janie. You understand much more about what he’s going through than even he knows.”
Harry went upstairs as Janie returned to where Matthew stood. The color had drained from his face. They both waited until Harry was gone to speak.
“Janie?”
“I don’t know who the father is,” she cautiously began. “I had a lot of partners when I drank. I found out when I went into rehab. Harry offered to marry me when I found out.”
“Why didn’t you marry him?” Matthew finally managed to squeeze out.
“He wasn’t you,” Janie solemnly whispered, her face flushing. “I got very lucky with Emma. Even though she was exposed to so much before I found out I was pregnant, I had my life in order by the time she arrived. She’s healthy, but she has a some learning disabilities. Something that is related to my alcohol induced stupors and something that I have to live with and have to forgive myself for daily.”
Matthew drew in a long breath. “I had no idea. I don‘t even know where to begin. Things were not supposed to turn out like this.”
“It’s not all bad, Matty. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter, a stable income, and a gift to see the truth. And out of all that, I’ve learned that God can redeem anybody anywhere for anything. Then its like it never happened. When God forgives, He never remembers all of the bad things that I did to myself or Emma. I am a new creation.”
“All well and good, Janie, but….”
Janie shook her head. “No. No buts. You won’t convince me otherwise on this. You may believe that you’ve done a whole lot worse than me and that may be true, but I believe in a God who can love us despite ourselves. And I believe that He washes away our pasts and makes us new. I’ve seen it through you and Harry. I lived it through myself and Emma.”
Matthew turned away, ran his hands through his hair and left. Janie sank into a nearby chair. Her fingers trembled with emotion as she tried without success to wipe tears from her eyes. She didn’t bother to look up when the door opened and Harry joined her.
She lightly fingered a small scar on the inside of her palm. A silent reminder that she was forever linked to this man by blood.
“He is never going to admit that he loves me, is he, Harry?”
“No, Janie. I don’t think he will.”
“What am I going to do, Harry? He’s the only man that I’ve ever loved.”
“We’re going to pra
y, Janie. That’s what we’re going to do.”
Matthew threw the chart across the room. Angrily, he shoved his hands through his already mangled hair. It was all there. In her chart. He should have seen it before. He had been too flabbergasted to actually see Janie in the exam room that he had missed the pertinent details in her chart.
The history of her alcoholism, detox, and recovery. Her doctor had faxed over everything about her even down to the nitty gritty details of the emergency c-section to bring Emma into the world.
Where had his brain been? Oh yeah, on the tattoos. Foolish, stupid, man!
Matthew paced the room. He wanted to hit something. Why hadn’t someone told him about Janie? Why hadn’t he known what she was going through? More now than ever, he was starting to see that his leaving had been a mistake.
But what else was he supposed to have done? Stayed? Fallen further in love with her? Shackled her to a recovering meth addict who prostituted himself and others? What kind of life would that have been?
A wonderful one.
Yeah, wonderful for him. He pushed the thought away, but he couldn’t push away the feeling that he had royally screwed up. Nor could he push away the feeling he was about to mess up again.
Janie’s sharp intake of breath caught Matthew’s attention. He stopped the stretch on her right shoulder and looked up. Her face was turned away from him, but he caught a glimpse of discomfort before she masked it again.
She had really done a number on this shoulder. Letting it go for the last year hadn’t helped either. Matthew waited a few more seconds before he began the rotation again.
“Better?” he quietly asked as his fingers guided to the source of the pain. Gently, he applied pressure. A slight nod was his only response. He sighed and released her arm. “Go ahead and put your shirt back on. I think we’re done for the day.”
“You’re going easy on me,” she accused.
“You’re in pain.”
“That’s a given.”