by RH Tucker
“Not much has changed,” I tell him. He turns to me and smirks, keeping his eyes on mine. “Okay, maybe a few things have changed.”
His smirk turns in to a full-blown smile. “Do you still have your pony collection in your room?”
I was in love with My Little Pony. I had dozens of dolls. Most of them are put away in our attic, but I do have a couple out on my dresser. Not that I’m telling Lucas that.
“No.”
I don’t know if he can see through me or just doesn’t believe me, but his eyes pop open. “You do!”
He doesn’t wait. He whisks past me, toward my room. “Luc, no, I don’t.”
He swings my door open and turns the light on. “Ha, I knew it!”
“It’s not the whole collection.” I cross my arms when I get to the door.
His joyful attitude fades a little, as he steps deeper in my room and looks around. Like his, my rooms changed as I’ve gotten older. Gone are a lot of the posters, the princess bed sheets, and my Barbie collection. Although, there are still a few stuffed animals that I never wanted to get rid of. He picks one up, a purple raccoon.
“You still have Mr. Purple Eyes.”
“Yeah.” I know, not the best name, but it was the first one I thought of when my aunt gave him to me. I walk into the room and sit on my bed. “Sit down.”
He eyes the bed carefully for a moment, then sits next to me. I gently swab the towel over his bloody lip, and he cringes.
“Why were you two fighting?”
He closes his eyes, giving a slight shake of his head. “It’s not important.”
“It’s not?”
He takes a deep breath, looks over at me, then closes his eyes again. “I was being stupid. I was pissed off at him for being an ass. For not realizing that you liked him like you did.”
“Luc―”
“No, it’s okay. You never said anything, but I know you did. And I was mad at him for being so flippant about it.”
I pull the wet towel down, staring at it. “I was the stupid one. I should’ve known he didn’t like me like that. I mean, looking back on it, he never gave me any reason to think he was falling for me or anything like that.”
“And that’s why he’s stupid.”
“Luc, I can’t be mad at him for not liking me like that. It’s not like he cheated on me or something.”
“You can’t, but I can.” I haven’t looked back up at him but now I do, as he puts his fingers under my chin. “I can be mad at anyone who doesn’t see what I see. What I’ve always seen. You’re beautiful and smart and funny. You’re it, Jen.”
I feel my face getting red. “You’re just saying that because you’ve known me forever.”
“Maybe I am,” he replies, grinning. “Doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.”
We both fall silent, staring at one another, and I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what should or shouldn’t happen here. All I know is that I want to kiss him.
My eyes jump to his lips, and I see the small cut on the side that I cleaned. Raising my hand, my fingers graze across his lip. He leans in closer, his hand sliding over my knee, then around my waist. It floats up, under the sweater I’m wearing, and when his skin touches mine I feel the electricity. The same jolt that I felt at the lake. And it sparks something inside.
“Take your pants off.”
The whisper is out of my mouth before I even realize what I’m saying. He stares back at me, unsure. But I leave no room for second guessing when I pull off my sweater.
He leans back, kicking his shoes off and removing his pants. When he leans forward I grab his shirt, yanking it off him before I sit down over him. His hands wrap around me, and the charge of his hands on my back sends another shock through me and we still haven’t even kissed.
Sitting on top of him, I hover over his lips, as he looks up at me. We stare at each other, like we’re daring the other one to kiss first. I want to know if this is what he wants. I want him to make the next move.
“Are you sure about this?” Reaching up, he brushes his thumb across my cheek.
As soon as my head nods his lips collide into mine, and the electricity from before turns into a lightning storm. His hands sweep through my hair, as my arms wrap around him. Our lips are like waves crashing into rocks, and he lets out a moan―either of pain from his busted lip or from the taste of me. Whichever it is, I return the sound then run my tongue over his lips.
Turning us around, he hovers over me, his arms holding him in place as his lips still search mine. There are no more moments of doubt running through me. I’m tired of doubting what could or couldn’t be. Of fearing someone breaking my heart. I don’t know what this is, and I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, I just know I want this now. Even if nothing comes of this, I want to keep this for me. Something I can remember forever.
I unravel my hands from around him, pressing them to his chest. “Wait.”
“What?”
“Do you …” I press my lips together, “have protection?”
He smiles. The same smile I fell in love with all those years ago. “Yeah, I think so.”
Crawling to the side of the bed, he reaches down for his pants and grabs his wallet, when his phone chimes.
Looking over at me, a coy smile crosses his lips. “Not that I always stay prepared or anything like that.”
I roll my eyes at him with a smirk. “Better always prepared than not.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
His phone goes off again.
“Need to check that?”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s fine.” Crawling back over, he lays down next to me. “Jen, this is going to change everything. You know that, right?”
I do know that. I don’t know what this will change to, but whatever it is, it has to be good. Right? We’ve got too much history for it to go wrong. And the way he looks at me. Even if I don’t believe I’m lovable, he looks at me like I am. He looks at me like I’m all he needs. I want that.
“You promise?” I tease him, when his phone goes off again. “Lucas, who is that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, can you turn your phone to silent or something?”
“Yeah.” He grabs his pants and pulls out the phone, his demeanor instantly changing.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.” He shakes his head.
“What?” I look at him, unsure why the sudden change.
“It’s nothing.”
Grabbing the phone from him as he tries to turn it off, my jaw drops. Of all the mistakes I’ve ever made and all the stupid things I’ve ever done, I instantly wish I could take back what I just did. He reaches for the phone, but I jerk it away, sitting up.
“What is this?”
“It’s not what it seems.”
I read the first message on the phone. “Hey, just got out of work. Bummed I missed the bonfire. I missed you.”
“Jen, please―”
“I’m glad you invited me though. I was worried you might not like me for a second.”
“Damn it, stop.”
“You must be asleep or something. Text me tomorrow. I can’t wait for our date.”
He rakes his hands over his face, letting out a growl of annoyance, which just pisses me off more.
“What the hell, Lucas?”
“It’s not what it looks like.”
“Yeah, you said that already, but I’m having a hard time believing it. You’re going out with someone?”
“No. I mean, yeah, sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“Jen, please, just let me explain. I―”
“No.”
He jerks his head back. “What?”
“You should leave.”
“You can’t be serious.”
I stare at him like he’s lost him mind. “I can’t be serious? Me? You’re the one who’s dating someone.”
“We’re not dating.” I look at him like he just told
me the sky is green. “I mean, we are, kind of, but … ugh!”
Without another word between us, he gets off my bed and throws on his pants and shirt. Forcing his shoes on, he hops over to my door. I just sit on my bed, my arms crossed, stewing in vexation.
“If you’d just let me explain,” he says, standing next to the door.
“Explain what, Luc? There’s nothing to explain.”
“Yes, there is. Yes, I went out with Sasha, but she’s not you.”
My mouth drops. “She’s not me. Are you serious? That’s great, how romantic. Every little girl dreams about being compared to another girl and being told ‘she’s not you’.”
“Damn it, Jen, no one is you! Don’t you get that? I compare everyone to you. I couldn’t get you out of my head throughout high school and now that I’ve kissed you, I’m completely fucked. You’ve ruined me for everyone. And the crazy part is, it’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. It just is. And I have to live with it. So, I’m sorry if I was trying to move on after you rejected me at the lake. Maybe you’ll be happy to know that there is no moving on for me. When I’m with another girl, when I even try to think of another girl, your face pops up. Your face, your smell, your taste. You.”
He stops talking and I want to look over. I want to believe him, because it sounds true. And what I wouldn’t give for someone to be consumed like that over me. To know that I’m their world. But I can’t get the words I read off the screen out of my head. And knowing that just reinforces my own fears.
I hear his footsteps getting farther away, and then I hear the front door open and close. Then he’s gone.
Chapter 21
Lucas
Have you ever had a dream that midway through turned to a nightmare? But then, as the nightmare plays out, suddenly it turns back into a dream? A fantasy that you’ve been wanting to be real for so long, but you never thought it would be? That’s what I’m having right now.
I remember the beach and hitting Franco. For reasons I couldn’t begin to understand, Jen was the one who came over to check on me, after Franco went all kung-fu on me. We ended up in her house, on her bed, and she cleaned up my bloody lip. She was so close I could smell the honey perfume she usually wore. Her fingers floated over my lips, and before I knew it I was shirtless, she was in her bra, and we were making out.
Suddenly, dread takes over, because now we’re fighting. Fighting over my stupidity, once again. I really should offer my brain up to science once I’m dead because there must be something wrong with it on a molecular level, that forces me to do stupid things or make stupid decisions. She’s yelling at me and I’m trying to explain that I don’t really like the girl who’s texting me. But she doesn’t want to hear it. She kicks me out.
But as I walk out her front door, I’m suddenly transported to our treehouse. The one my dad helped me build. Jen and I would spend hours in there during the weekends. It isn’t really a treehouse, more of a fort, since the only trees in our backyard are palm trees, but we called it that anyways. Only, we’re in it and we’re not kids anymore. And she’s back on top of me, kissing me, running her hands through my hair.
She smells different this time, it’s something new. Something I don’t remember her ever wearing, but it’s still nice. I could get used to it.
“Lucas,” she whispers, and I grab her arm, turning us around.
She tastes different, too. The taste of her skin, her lips, her tongue. It’s engrained into my memory now, but this is different. I don’t care though, because she’s here with me. After fighting, we’re back to where we’re supposed to be. Just me and her, together.
“Lucas,” she whispers again, and I answer with a moan.
My hand runs along her side, sliding under a shirt, and I feel her gasp. It feels so real. It’s like that moment in between dreaming and waking up when you’re not sure if you’re still asleep or not.
“I really like this, but I think you need to wake up.”
Her words are short, like she’s trying to regain her breath. “No, please, Jen,” I whisper back, “I want this forever.”
“What?”
I don’t get a chance to reply. I’m jolted awake by two hands pushing my chest. I crack my eyes open, trying to adjust to the light in the room, and a buzzing immediately hits my head.
“Jen?” I hear the voice again and finally realize I’m not dreaming. At least, not anymore.
My eyes flicker as I come to and see Sasha below me. “Sasha?”
“Yeah.” She curls her lip.
I flinch back, jerking away from her. “What the hell? What are you doing here? What time is it?”
She sits straighter, shaking her head. “It’s three o’clock, your brother let me in. I guess I know how last night went and why you never returned my texts.”
Damn, I slept the entire day. I scan my room, trying to remember what happened. That’s when I see an empty bottle of vodka on my floor. I didn’t drink the entire thing, but after the colossal screw-up with Jen last night, I ransacked my dad’s liquor cabinet. I polished off his schnapps bottle and the vodka one was low, so I figured, what the hell. The memories come back, along with a buzzing in my head, as I wake up more.
“No,” I say, shaking my head and immediately regret it, feeling a throbbing. “Ow. No, it’s not like that.”
“Really?” She scowls for a second, before looking away, sliding to the edge of my bed. “Um, you might want to cover up.”
“What?” I glance down at myself in my boxers. It might not technically be the morning, but my body doesn’t know the difference. “Shit!” I scramble and grab my comforter, wrapping it around my waist.
“I should go.” She gets up from the bed.
“Please, just let me explain.”
“Explain what, Lucas?” She’s already at my door but turns around to face me.
“Explain …” I trail off, trying to think of the right words, while squeezing my eyes shut and letting out an exasperated grunt. “Damn it, how the hell do I keep screwing things up?” She stays by the door, still watching me. “Look, I’m sorry.”
“I get it, okay? We were just having fun. You don’t want a serious relationship.”
“No, I do.”
“Just not with me.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I let out a deep breath. “I’ve been trying to get over someone, okay? Like, really, really, trying. And I can’t. But I wasn’t using you to get over her, I promise. I just thought … I need to move on with my life. I need to actually have a life.”
“And?”
I wave to the bed and my embarrassing half-dream moment I just had with her. “Well, I guess I still have a way to go.”
“Unbelievable,” she whispers, but it’s more to herself than it is to me. I watch her shake her head as she stares at the door. “This is going to sound crazy, but I get it.”
“You get it?”
“Yeah, last year I …” She trails off. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. Just promise me to figure this out before you go out with anyone else. It sucks to know someone you like is hung up on someone else.”
“Sasha, I’m sorry. I never meant to do that.”
“I know. You’re a good guy, Lucas.”
This entire conversation is insane, capped off only by her being understanding and not trying to kill me right now. I’m still trying to digest everything, so all I can muster out is, “Thanks.”
“Whoever she is, she’s a lucky girl.”
An involuntary scoff comes out. “Yeah, well, she practically hates me. I just can’t get my brain to understand that, so I can move on.”
“Then don’t.” I stare at her, confused. “Show her how much you care for her.”
Taking a deep breath, I shrug. “I don’t know if it’ll do any good.”
“Sometimes, we need someone to prove to us how much they want us. It might sound stupid or unrealistic, and even a little demanding, but some of us have been hurt. By people we may have loved, and i
t takes a lot to prove that someone else isn’t going to do that exact same thing.”
I stare at her, soaking up her words while wondering what she’s gone through. “You?”
She shakes her head. “Tara. She went through some pretty shitty things, that’s why she exploded like she did that night at the club. She’s getting better though.” I’m not sure how to reply, so I just nod. “Well, I’m gonna go.”
She waves at me and I wave back, too flabbergasted to say anything. She didn’t yell at me. She didn’t punch me or scream that I was a piece of trash. For a moment I wonder what she went through that made her so understanding, but the moment passes. She told me I need to show Jen how much I care for her and I’d love to do that. I’d love to figure out how to show her that she’s all I want. But I don’t have the first clue as to how.
Chapter 22
Jen
I didn’t know what I was doing the entire night. I didn’t plan for us to be nearly naked at any point, and I sure as hell didn’t expect it to end up like it did. Especially the part where I cried myself to sleep.
The entire week I’m a zombie. Leading up to, and during the bonfire, I felt like things were going to get better. Like I was going to get better. I’d be myself again. But I just mope around all week. Which inadvertently causes me to divulge a tidbit I’ve withheld from Nancy, something I knew she wasn’t going to be thrilled with.
“Jen, you need stop whatever this is.” She waves her fingers at me. “Classes are going to be starting up soon. Have you even looked in to what you’ll be taking your first semester?”
I stay quiet, biting my lip, doing my best to act casual but failing miserably.
“Jen?” She looks at me suspiciously as she pours her coffee.
“Yeah, about that …”
“About what?”
“I’m not going this semester.” I say it so softly while I’m biting my bottom lip that it comes out incoherent.
She must’ve made out a couple of the words though because she stares at me like I just told her I ran over a puppy. “You what?”