Casey

by Cameron James

  Four months ago, I was accepted for the surgery, so we moved, first to be closer to the hospital, second to start a new life for us.

  "You're happy?" George mused, over the sketchy internet connection, I'm not sure whether it was his or mine.

  "Very, honestly. I even have friends." I said, George smiled.

  "You've come such a long way. I am so proud of you Casey." He said, so I smiled at him, although, he appeared concerned. "Is there something else?" He said, I nodded. I figured when I was eleven, there was no point in even trying to lie to George, he always knew.

  "Tiny." I said, whilst showing just how small with the gap between my finger and thumb.

  "Well?" George asked.

  "I like a boy."

  "Oh." He seemed intrigued.

  "Really like a boy and I think he likes me back as well. Well actually, I know he likes me back as he kissed me, BUT that isn't the point, I would like advice on how to tell him all about me? All about this?"

  "You tell him the truth." He replied, I sighed.

  "I was afraid you were going to say that."

  "Casey, you're never going to know how he really feels about it, unless you tell him the truth." He said, I sulked. "I know, I know it sucks when I make sense." He said then I glanced up, "I get that a lot." He added, I nodded.

  "Neither me, nor his best friend can figure out how he's going to react. That scares me." I said.

  "You've told someone?"

  "Morgan." I said, "he asked why I was a bit jumpy in the boy’s bathroom, I broke down and told him everything, he made me happy, because it didn't bother him, at all. I asked him how Mickey might react, he said that he didn't know." I explained, George hummed.

  "I tend to find that accepting people, are never friends with bigots." He said, "nine out of ten times at least."

  "I guess they're okay odds." I murmured then looked up, seeing a raised eyebrow.

  "Do you really like him?" George asked, I shrugged.

  "I really don't want him to hate me, or to think I'm tricking him. He's so nice, but, he's gay, he could get really angry."

  "Is he the type too?"

  "No." I began sulking again.

  "Casey."

  "I'm going to his house this afternoon," I said, George nodded. "I plan on telling him."

  "Casey, afterwards make sure you keep your parents in the loop, also, if you need me, call me." He said, I smiled.

  "It'll be out of hours." I said, George laughed.

  "Casey, I'm never off the clock, not if someone needs me." He said, I nodded.

  "Make Suzanne something nice for tea." I said, he laughed quite happily.

  "We're ordering Chinese." He replied, "but I'll do the dishes." He added, I nodded.

  "Good." I said, "thank you." I added, he nodded.

  "No problem, Thursday, right?" He asked.

  "Thursday, yes, I'm in school until half twelve, so any time after." I said then saw his journal come into view as he tried to pencil me in.

  Mickey's bedroom was amazing. Really amazing. He had a big double bed in the middle of his room, his wardrobes were built in so filled the entire wall opposite to the door, two wardrobes and a chest of drawers with a cork-board above it. The cork-board had a white board screwed into the middle of it which currently had a module number on it, the surrounding of the cork-board was full, full of pictures, tickets and notes. He had a large window on the far wall, it was three windows next to each other, two had the blinds down, the middle one had them up, there was a coffee table in front of the window which had a laptop half closed on it and a money box.

  "Like what you see?" Mickey asked, I jumped then looked at him.

  "Your room is amazing." I said then let myself wander in, walking towards the cork-board and reading his notes then taking in his pictures. "Did puberty hit you hard this year?" I asked, pointing at a baby-faced picture of Morgan and him that was stuck on by a red drawing pin.

  "I was fifteen then." He said, I looked at him over my shoulder, "if I shave, I still look like that." He added.

  "Baby-face." I said, seeing him shake his head then sit on his bed, stretching himself out, putting his right arm behind his head and his left in his jeans pocket. I walked around the rest of his bed, looking out his window.

  "Are you okay?" He asked, I nodded, very quickly. "Come sit." He said, so I turned, "I'm not going to make a move on you or anything." He added then raised his eyebrows. "Unless you want me too." He said, I laughed then pushed off my shoes, leaving them next to his bed before I climbed on, sitting next to him, keeping my legs close to my body and holding onto my shins to keep myself together. "Casey." He said, so I shook my head.

  "Mickey, I," I began then chickened out, I chickened out so hard that I laughed. "I guess I'm just nervous, you know, boy’s bedroom, parents out." I said, he smirked, then he sat up so he was looking directly at me.

  "Equally," He whispered; I raised my eyebrow as a response. "We are eighteen, so it isn't as naughty being home alone." He said, I tutted.

  "Take the fun away why don't you." I said, he laughed then moved towards me, so I nodded to him, being kissed very quickly after.

  "I wouldn't dare take the fun away." He said, I bit my lip. "Do you know how attractive you doing that is?" He asked, I frowned, "when you bite your lip, it's like, I can't even compare it to anything." He continued, I raised my eyebrows at him then kissed him again, and again, and again.

  At some point we moved, so we were laying opposite each other, practically pressed up against each other and the only reason I knew that was because I could feel his excitement in his pants, it wasn't a surprise, as I was turned on as well. Actually, I think this was the most turned on I'd ever been in my life, I just couldn't show it.

  "Aren't you?" He asked in a breath, I looked at him whilst licking my lips, "aren't you enjoying it?" He asked whilst catching his breath, I looked down. "Casey, we don't have to." He said, so I shook my head.

  "Stop." I said then looked up, "don't continue. I need to tell you something." I said then placed my hand on his chest, "I'm sorry." I said then closed my hand and took it away from him. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner." I said.

  "Casey." He repeated, "it can't be that bad, it could never be that bad, so stop panicking and tell me." He said, I met his eyes.

  "It is that bad." I said, he almost laughed.

  "I doubt it Case." He said, still smiling at me, I took a deep breath in.

  "Mickey, I was enjoying it, fuck me, I was enjoying it but I can't show it, I can't." I said, then I swallowed, "I don't have a." I said then grew annoyed at myself. I sat up, pushing my palms into my eyes so I couldn't see him, "Mickey, I was born a girl." I said, and heard nothing, I didn't give myself sight until I felt him touch my shoulder.

  "Casey look at me." He said, I took my hands from my eyes and slowly turning, meeting his eyes. "You were born a girl?" He asked, I nodded, "that's not that bad." He said, I let out a deep breath, "really. That is not the worst thing you could’ve said to me." He said, I shook my head,

  "You're not annoyed?"

  "No." He said, and seemed confused.

  "You don't think I'm a prick tease or anything like that?" I said, he shook his head.

  "Of course not." He said, "I am puzzled, yes, but I'm not angry."

  "Puzzled." I said, he nodded.

  "Well give me a break, I have a few questions." He said, I sort of accepted that, "I like you still, you know." He said, I frowned, "honestly. I know, it's like expected for me to have this big dramatic reaction and be annoyed at you, but I like you and I can't help that." He said then smiled, "equally, I don't know much about it. So maybe ignorance is bliss." He added and I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to launch forward and kiss him, kiss his lips, his nose, his forehead, all over because he deserved to be smothered in kisses. Instead, I decided to ask.

  "What questions?"

  "I take it you are girl to boy?" He said, I nodded, "you identify as gay?"

  "
That's complex." I said, he frowned, “I know I'm not bi. I like boys, I have always liked boys and I genuinely do like boys, we just don't label it, it's easier."

  "We?"

  "Mum, Dad, George." I said, he frowned lightly, "my therapist." I said, he nodded slowly.

  "So, you're trans... sexual?" He asked, I hummed.

  "Gender."

  "What's the difference?" He asked, so I looked at him. "Sorry. Shouldn't I have asked that?"

  "No, no, ask everything, please." I said, "I'm just trying to figure out how to. Transsexual is an old term. The older generation tend to use it more, it was to describe someone who wanted surgery, but it’s just not used anymore, unless someone identifies as it, then by all means.”

  "You've had surgery?"

  "Half of it." I replied, he nodded, "it's the reason we moved here, so I could get the rest of my surgery."

  "The surgery will give you a…"

  "Yes." I said nodding, and I saw a slight smirk on his face, I hit his arm.

  "Thank you." He said.

  "Why?"

  "For trusting me." He replied, I shook my head.

  "You'd have found out one way or another, maybe when you tried to cop a feel." I said, he smiled.

  "Come off it. Thank you for trusting me. I won't tell anyone, I promise." He said, I exhaled.

  "Thank you." I replied, "Morgan knows." I added.

  "Of course Morgan knows." He replied, shaking his head a little amused then looked at me.

  “What?” I asked, he laughed.

  “Can we keep kissing? Because that was good.” He said, I grinned.

  “I guess we can.” I replied, “because, I agree, that was good.” I said, he grinned back happily.

  ⚫⚫⚫

  George had suggested when I moved over that I joined a group therapy session. He understood that I didn’t want a new therapist, I’d grown extremely close to George over the last seven years, a new therapist was well out of the question but he didn’t want me to think I’d lost actually talking to a person, rather than a video call on a laptop.

  He wasn’t wrong, I started in group therapy before I started school and I’d been enjoying it.

  “Digestives right.” I said as Kieran came into group carrying a plastic bag.

  “Excuse me, chocolate digestives.” He said, I smiled then waited until he’d put them on the plate to take one. “Careful, Luke likes his digestives.” He said, I smirked whilst taking a second and going to sit on the circle of seats. There was only nine of us who met in this session and they were all nice.

  “So how many weeks now Case?” Harvey, the leader asked once everyone had sat and no one felt the need to bring anything to the circle.

  “Seven.” I said nodding, “it’s so soon.” I said, they all agreed.

  “Can I ask about this surgery?” Jesse, one of the younger members of the group asked, we all nodded to him, “I didn’t know if I could, you know since it involved your penises.” He said.

  “What do you want to know?” Kaiden asked, he hummed.

  “I don’t know, everything, I don’t know a thing about it.” he said, Kaiden smiled at him.

  “Which did you get?” He asked Milo.

  “Phalloplasty.” Milo said, I nodded.

  “That’s what I’m getting.” I said.

  “And what I got.” Kaiden said.

  “Isn’t there scarring though?” Jesse asked, we all hummed back at him.

  “Yeah, but…” Milo said whilst rolling up his sleeve, “it does get better. I got surgery last summer.” He said then ran his fingers down his forearm, “and it’s cleared up alright.” He said, I had to agree, you could tell he was scarred but it wasn’t obvious. “I suppose though, I should thank my boyfriend who was forever rubbing almond oil on it.” he said, I grinned.

  “I don’t think my… Mickey would do that.” I said, Kaiden laughed.

  “My Luke certainly didn’t.” Kaiden said, Luke scoffed back.

  “I’m not your boyfriend.” He replied, we all laughed very slightly. “And your scar is on your thigh.” He added.

  “I wanted it on my thigh.” I said, “I got told no because I inject my T into my thigh.”

  “You inject T yourself?” Jesse asked, I nodded.

  “Weekly dose. Technically my Mum does it.” I said, he smiled at me.

  “Wait, what’s the other penis option?” Ashley asked, “don’t change the subject.” He added, hitting Jesse, it made me laugh.

  “Metoidioplasty.” Harvey said.

  “What’s that do?” Ashley asked.

  “They use what’s already there.” Kieran said, I almost laughed but I kept myself mature and covered my mouth.

  “But that’d be miniscule.” Ashley stated, I wasn’t the only person who laughed then. “Wait, so you all got the same?”

  “I got phalloplasty but I also got urethroplasty and scrotoplasty.” Kaiden said, Milo nodded.

  “I also got erectile implants.” Milo said.

  “What are all these plasty?”

  “Urethro so I could use it to go to the toilet, scroto to form a scrotum.” Kaiden said.

  “Erectile implants because sex.” Milo said, we all began giggling again.

  “I also got a hysterectomy.” Harvey said.

  “Really?” I asked, he nodded.

  “Package deal so to speak.”

  “Did you freeze your eggs?” Milo asked, Harvey shook his head, “I think that’s my biggest regret. I love my penis and I’m over the moon that I’ve had surgery but I wish I’d frozen my eggs so I could have kids with Avory. We keep talking about it every now and again and it’s just so hard to persuade myself to have kids that aren’t mine.”

  “You’re twenty-two?” I asked, he nodded.

  “You’ve got time, believe me.” Harvey said, Milo almost smiled.

  “Are you getting all the plasty’s?” Jesse asked, I nodded to him.

  “Phallo, utethro, scroto. I’m not getting erectile implants though; I’m getting an injection a year later so it can naturally get hard.”

  “Awesome.” Jesse said, I laughed.

  “Are you enjoying school?” Riley asked, I nodded to him smiling at him.

  “Yeah, it’s good. No one knows I’m going stealth. Well, I tell a lie.”

  “You came out to someone?” Kaiden asked, I nodded.

  “Morgan and Mickey.” I said, he grinned at me.

  “Is he your boyfriend now?”

  “Unofficially, he came to my house the other day, we just sort of made out… and it was good.” I said, “I feel though I need to know for sure, I need to confirm he’s okay with me.”

  I said then sighed and looked at Luke, “Your girlfriend is cis yes?” I asked, he nodded, “and your boyfriend?” I asked Milo, he nodded to, “how?”

  “My girlfriend doesn’t care. Admittedly, we slept together before we got together and she just knew from the off so to speak. She was fine, she knows I’m a boy.” Luke said, I sighed.

  “Avory’s a drag queen, he has no say on my gender.” Milo said, the circle laughed.

  “Has he stuck around?” Kieran asked, so I looked at him.

  “Has he stuck with you or did he turn and run away the moment you uttered the words I am trans to him?” He asked, I nodded.

  “He asked me about my surgery, he wanted to learn more.”

  “Keep him.”

  “Oh my God keep him.” Kaiden said.

  “He cares.” Kieran said, I almost smiled. “He’s worth it because he cares.”

  “Okay.” I said then laughed, “that’s good.” I said.

  “How on earth do they use what’s there, there is nothing there.” Ashley said, we all began laughing again.

  “I am eighteen this weekend.” Morgan declared as he placed his bag on the table making both Mickey and I sit up as his bag took up the entirety of the table.

  “You’re only seventeen?” I asked, he nodded then frowned at me, “You look like a man.”
I said, Mickey laughed.

  “Want to go bowling?” Morgan asked, I nodded, “then you guys can stay the night. Yeah?”

  “Cool.” Mickey said.

  “How old are you?” I asked.

  “Seventeen.” Mickey said.

  “No.” I said simply, Mickey smiled.

  “Not eighteen until August Casey.”

  “He’s a baby.”

  “I refuse to believe I am older than both of you.”

  “And smaller.” Mickey said, I scowled him.

  “I’m going to have a longer dick than you.” I replied, he snorted as Morgan rolled his eyes.

  “I’m going to History. Saturday? I’m busy Friday night.”

  “Are you?” Mickey teased, Morgan almost blushed then left the common room, “You’re so going to have a longer dick than me,” He said sighing, I laughed.

  "Wow." Mickey stated, "there is more hickey than neck." He said whilst using his finger to lift Morgan's chin and turn it in a way that I could see that there was in fact, more hickey than neck.

  "Wit-woo secret boyfriend." I practically purred, making Mickey laugh as Morgan dragged his head away.

  "More like not so secret girlfriend." He replied, I looked at Mickey, then straight back.

  "You have a girlfriend?"

  "Yes!"

  "You?"

  "Yes!"

  "You?" I asked, again. Morgan rolled his eyes, "am I too shocked? Is this too shocked?"

  "You're too shocked." Mickey replied, so I hid behind him.

  "Isabelle hardly comes down, leave me alone." Morgan whined, whilst reaching into his pocket for his wallet. "We used the night the best we could." He continued, so I looked at Mickey, who mouthed 'they had sex.'

  "Oh!" I said, making him laugh as Morgan asked for three student packages then turned to get the money from us. "I swear I thought he was gay." I whispered to Mickey, "If not, bi."

  "No, it's just the way he stands." Mickey whispered back, making me laugh until I coughed.

  "You're talking about me, aren't you?" Morgan said as we followed him around the till to change our shoes.