“Put me in a dress the moment she caught me.” I said then looked at him, “I remember that.” I added, “I ran away from her, because I didn’t want to get changed.” I said, he nodded.
“I went with your Mum to the pool that following Friday, it was your lesson.” He said, “she obviously took you in the ladies changing room and put your swimming costume on and you were distraught. You’d presumed because I was there that I’d get you dressed, you didn’t stay for the lesson that afternoon because we couldn’t calm you. We genuinely just thought you were a tomboy.” He said, “I’d never heard of trans until I met George, I will admit that but it made so much sense when we figured it out.”
“I don’t remember that weekend.” I said shaking my head, “I wish I did.”
“It’s okay.” He said, “I do.” He added. “Half because it was the first time someone had left me alone with a child, and that was quite terrifying.” He said then squeezed my shoulder and turned me to look at the shelves we’d walked to. We stood in silence as we both looked at the variety of razors before us, I was waiting for him to say something, it felt like it was never going to come.
“Electric.” He said, I looked up, “I think.” He added, I nodded once, it was probably his effort to reduce razor blades in the house, “this one, yeah?” He asked, I just nodded whilst taking the box he offered me, it was blue and that was about as much as I could get from it.
“That’s a lot of money for a razor.” I said, he shrugged lightly.
“If you want your cheeks to join you in adulthood, you spend the money.” He said, “it’s an investment.”
“An investment.” I repeated amused. I carried the box close to my chest as we walked down the toiletries aisle, I watched as Dad picked up a can of shaving cream then put in more toothpaste.
I probably shouldn’t have, at eighteen, been as chuffed with the fact my father was buying me razor, I really should’ve gotten past that milestone a while ago but I still refused to put it in the trolley as we walked around the rest of the aisles until he made me blush by reaching a more age appropriate milestone by putting a box of condoms in the trolley.
“No chance.” I said, he laughed.
“Who said they were for you.” He replied, I looked at him, having a stare off with him until he gave and laughed. “Better safe than sorry, they’ll be in the bathroom discreetly.” He said, “I however appreciate that right now, it’s no chance.” He added, I smiled to myself as we walked to a cashier.
⚧
3 Weeks to Go
I quite enjoyed lying with Mickey, whether it be in my bed or his. His was far more comfortable, we’d established this but he seemed to stay over at my house more than I did his.
We’d turned the lights out a while ago and had just lay looking at each other, he’d had his last exam earlier this afternoon and had appeared at my door, half in his uniform, his tie hanging loosely out of his pocket telling me he’d seen enough numbers he ever needed to see and he just wanted sleep.
Although he did appreciate my Mum making him tea, then he lay with me, really struggling to go to sleep, so I rubbed my cheek against his then slipped my head between his neck and his chest so I could stroke his chest and down his arms I got to his waist before I could tell he’d fallen asleep. It made me grin slightly then snuggle closer to him, so that I could fall asleep as well.
He woke me up, although, I think he unintentionally woke me up, I then woke him up because I moved to see what I could feel.
“Casey.” He whined at me, I looked up as he rubbed his eyes, frowning towards my window were light was coming in through the curtains.
“You woke me up.” I replied, ensuring I sounded like I was accusing him enough. He laughed sleepily.
“Well, I’m going to blame it on you.” He replied, I tutted. “Take it as the compliment it was intended to be.” He said. “I’m tired, shush.” He added.
“Do you have to go to school today?” I asked, he shook his head.
“No.” He said, “not necessary. I think Morgan is doing an exam today, but…” He shrugged, burying himself in my pillow, rolling onto his stomach then groaning.
“I can get rid of that.” I said, he looked at me, “in a nice way… I guess.” I added, he laughed whilst rolling back onto his back, so I sat on the bottom of his stomach, I felt as his hands ran up my back until he could hold my waist then grinned. I kissed him, really kissed him because I could feel that he enjoyed it. He groaned at me when I sat up against it, I laughed then covered his mouth.
“I can hear movement.” I whispered, he frowned, “it’ll be dad going to work.” I added.
“How frowned upon is getting your rocks off in your boyfriend’s bathroom?” he whispered through my hand, I squeaked when I laughed.
“Very!” I replied, “especially as your boyfriend is right here.” I whispered back then moved off him. “I’ll sort it for you.” I added, “after I know my Dad’s gone to work.” I finished, he smiled, “my Dad bought me condoms… you know.” I whispered, Mickey raised an eyebrow at me, “I thought about it.” I said.
“Wait what?” He said, I sighed.
“I did, I really thought about it, and I didn’t figure out anything new, I just figured that yeah after surgery, I’ll probably be happy to use them.” I said as I lowered my head. “Then I got a little bit sad because it sucked that I couldn’t let you…” I said, he raised my chin.
“You know it doesn’t matter to me Casey; I’ll say it every day if I need to.” He whispered back, I swallowed.
“I wish you could.” I replied, he almost smiled.
“And when you can, you’ll be spoilt rotten.” He said, “believe me.” He added before laying on top of me, I began laughing almost instantly as he lifted my knees to put them around his waist, pushing against me until I had to catch my breath.
“This is good.” I said, he winked at me.
“I know.” He whispered back then kissed me softly, grinning at me before going in for a longer kiss.
I found myself at Milo’s flat after group finished, as I’d brought up pre-surgery and he and Kaiden felt the need to help me as much as they possibly could before I went into the hospital. He made me a cup of coffee then sat me on the couch with Kaiden and went into his bedroom.
“Nervous?” Kaiden asked, I nodded slowly.
“Yes. It’s becoming real and that’s quite scary.” I said. “How did you prepare?” I asked, Kaiden smiled.
“Admittedly, I disappeared for almost five months.” He said, I frowned, “I got it done in my gap year so to speak, so I just dropped off social media and because I wasn’t in school, no one saw me. I didn’t go to group as I healed, I didn’t even see Luke as I healed.”
“Why not?”
“I was scared.” He said then sighed, “Luke knew I was getting my surgery, of course he did but I felt as if I lost a bit of confidence. I don’t know what it was.” He said as Milo reappeared carrying a holdall. “I genuinely became a bit of a hermit which I don’t recommend but I’d gone through recovery and I was fine physically.” He said shaking his head at me, “when I came back, Luke had come out which was amazing and suddenly I felt okay because I gave my binders and my packers to Luke and I had a purpose.”
“Did you feel naked?” Milo said, Kaiden looked at him. “Not so much with my bottom surgery, but when I had my top I was really conscious of not wearing my binder for a while, I kept forgetting and panicking then I got changed in front of Avory and it made things easier, it took me longer to show him my penis though.” Milo said.
“Really?” I asked, he nodded.
“It was odd, I knew he wouldn’t judge it or dislike it for that matter, but I felt slightly conscious.” He said.
“But equally, it’s a new body part.” Kaiden said, “when I was explaining my hiatus to Luke he said, and it was lovely and simple, but when he got new frames on his glasses, he felt quite conscious of people seeing him because they were different.”
“Yes!” Milo said, Kaiden nodded.
“As was my packer, it was really weird. I remember waking up half way through the night sometimes thinking I’d left my packer on.” Kaiden said laughing, it made me smile.
“I so wish I’d had a packer; I think it’d have helped my confidence slightly.”
“STPs saved my life.” Milo said, I frowned, “I never had a packer, I forever had stand to pee devices, I had a funnel thing to start with then I brought a STP packer, it was the best thing ever.”
“I can’t even go in the men’s bathroom.” I said, hearing my voice waver lightly, “it’s too difficult, I used to, with my Dad if I had to of course, but I just can’t.”
“Believe me you will.” Kaiden said, I looked at him, “once you master using it yourself, you pee at every urinal you see.”
“It’s quite satisfying.” Milo said, I began laughing again.
“That’s like one of my main goals, use a urinal.”
“You have goals?” Kaiden asked, I almost shrugged.
“Use a urinal, go swimming in just trunks and have sex.” I said then blushed as they both grinned at me.
“Add masturbate to that list.” Milo said, I looked at him. “The first thing Avory insisted I learnt to do was pleasure myself because it was far more rewarding, which it was.” He said.
“I asked Mickey if he’d teach me to do it.” I said, “I must admit, we practically dry humped and it was the best thing ever.” I said then covered my face.
“What’s in the bag?” Kaiden asked, sparing me the embarrassment.
“What I took to the hospital with me.” Milo said then opened it as I stood.
“Is this just not unpacked?” Kaiden asked, Milo laughed.
“Since last summer, no, it’s been unpacked and washed, I repacked it last week to show Casey.”
“I appreciate that.” I replied as I looked at him, he nodded telling me I could unpack the bag. I pulled out six matching pairs of big boxer shorts, then some t-shirts, there were three pairs of pyjama pants and two towels.
“You spend a lot of time without pants on.” Kaiden said. “You spend a week or so just sat there with no pants on because what’s the point of pants.” He said, I smiled.
“You should get a list, you doctor should give you a list beforehand but Kaiden’s right, pants didn’t exist until at least week two. I lived in the same t-shirt for a while too and take something to sit on, Avory and I figured out because I sleep on my side, we could put a pillow between my thighs and it saved a lot of pain.” Milo said, I nodded.
“And the question I have to ask for Mickey’s sake.” I said, they both nodded to me, “do you get to choose your length?” I asked, they both laughed.
“My doctor chose mine.” Milo said, “and I’m not complaining about it.”
“I requested I be long enough that it’s comfortable soft but satisfying hard.” Kaiden said, I smiled at him.
“And is it?”
“It favours the right sometimes.” He replied, I laughed because I was under no delusion that I was mature. All three of us turned when the door opened, Milo smiled.
“Go away you’re cis.” He said, to who must have been Avory, he laughed.
“How dare you!” He replied as he closed the door then walked around us, kissing Milo when he got to him. I just looked at them, well, him but definitely them. Because my God they were an attractive couple, but Avory was very, very attractive.
“You’re a drag queen?” I asked, Avory nodded.
“I am a drag queen.”
“That is awesome.” I said, Avory laughed.
“I’m going to get a shower, staying for tea?” He asked, I looked at Kaiden.
“Nah, better get home, Casey I’ll give you a lift.” He said, I practically whispered my thanks as Avory nodded, kissing Milo again before going through a door.
“He’s gorgeous.” I said.
“Well thank you.” He said nodding, “I think so too.” He added. We repacked his holdall before we left, then I followed Kaiden down to his car.
“Please excuse the mess, Luke likes to leave things.” Kaiden said, as I got in the passenger side, I almost laughed as I saw an art folder with Luke’s name on and a few empty takeaway coffee cups. “He’s a messy sod.” He said simply, as he reversed out of his space and began to drive me home.
“Sorry to be so forward, but are you gay?” I asked, Kaiden laughed.
“I like boys, yes.” He replied, “but I do like girls too, quite a bit. I’m pan.” He said, I nodded.
“Do you love Luke?” I asked, he laughed.
“No.” He said shaking his head, “I thought I did, when I was a little younger, I figured I must do but no, Luke’s just my best friend and he always has been, it’s been great because we were both coincidentally trans.
I came out when I was eleven, he came out just last year, so it wasn’t as if we influenced each other which many swore we did.” He said rolling his eyes, “we chose our transition names together.” He said happily.
“So, you do love him,” I said, he looked at me. “Platonically.”
“Extremely so.” He said, “although he’s a good kisser.” He said grinning at me.
“When did you guys meet?”
“Primary school. We were in the same class then I wouldn’t leave him alone, we went to the same secondary, I came out over the summer – to Luke before anyone and he was totally cool about it.”
“Well that makes sense.” I said, he laughed, “I have a trans friend,” I said then looked at him, “Aoife. She used to make me smile a lot.” I said happily, Kaiden laughed.
“What happened to her?”
“She’s still at home.” I said nodding, “we met when we were twelve, by chance almost. I remember whispering with her once that we could just swap, we said we could cut the cost of the surgery and I could have her penis and she could have mine…” I said as I looked at him, Kaiden laughed.
“That’s adorable.” He said I covered my face.
“She was probably my best friend admittedly.” I said nodding, “last time I spoke to her she was on the waiting list for her surgery.”
“Did you ever fancy her?”
“Yeah I did,” I said laughing, “but, equally she was the only other person I knew.”
“That’s fair.” He said, “she could come to group.”
“I thought it was a boy’s group?” I said, he nodded.
“It is but she’d be very welcome.”
“She’s coming down to see me next week.” I said, “before my surgery, she said she has to see me.”
“Yeah I get that.” He said then pulled up outside my house. “If you need anything before your surgery, even if it’s just to talk to someone who isn’t your therapist or your family, your boyfriend. Someone who just gets it, give me a call.”
“I will.” I said nodding, “Thanks.” I added grinning lightly, before getting out of his car and waving before he went.
I felt alone as I stood at the bottom of the staircase that lead to the school hall. I was waiting for my name to be called, waiting almost too long as my last name began with an A but I didn’t question it, I just stood whilst looking at the floor, holding the sleeves of my blazer whilst trying to remember everything I’d revised about English.
“Mr Casey Ansel.” I heard, I looked up and began up the stairs, ignoring the childish giggles as I went up the stairs with the rest of the A’s behind me.
It was comforting that you didn’t have to talk to anyone during an exam, you didn’t even have to make eye contact if you didn’t want to, although I did search the room, trying to clock people to avoid, there were definitely more eyes on me than the exam paper that had just been placed in front of me.
Mickey h
ad already finished his exams, therefore had technically finished school as he didn’t have any learning left to do, Morgan just had his business studies exam left. So, after my two-hour English exam that I’m sure I rambled through more than I should’ve I went to find him. He was sat in the common room with just business revision in front of him, he didn’t even flinch when I sat down.
“How was English?”
“Gibberish.” I replied, he laughed.
“Are you coming to business class?” He asked, I began nodding.
“I might as well. I actually have nothing better to do. How sad is that.”
“Very.” He agreed, I smiled as he looked up then frowned at me, “what did you do to yourself?”
“I had an incident shaving.” I said then looked down, “it hurt.” I added, he nodded.
“It does. I did that when I was thirteen and shaved without telling anyone, obviously, everyone knew.” He said, I smiled, “I tried to stay off school. Mum wouldn’t allow it.” He added, I laughed as we stood and began to the business class.
⚫⚫⚫
Abi was very, very loud on the morning of her birthday.
“It’s still dark out.” Mickey whispered as I groaned and tried to hide in his chest, he began laughing although it almost sounded like a sob, which really made me laugh.
“Oh my God.” I moaned as I heard Mum and Dad get up.
“Remind me why I slept over last night, like genuinely what made me say, yes Casey I’ll stay over.”
“You felt sympathy for me?” I said as I leant my chin on his chest so I could look at him, “or the blowjob had something to do with it.” I added, he laughed, covering his face.
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