"How are you feeling?" He asked then came and stood next to the bed.
"Bruised." I said, he laughed, "I waver in and out of pain, seeing you however that helps."
"I brought chocolate." He said.
"Well, you made it better." I said nodding then patted my bed, he took the hint and took a seat then opened the massive chocolate bar and held it to me. "You've made it a whole lot better." I said then took a piece of the broken chocolate. "No Morgan?"
"He has been kidnapped." He said, I frowned at him, whilst rubbing my fingers to get the chocolate off.
"Kidnapped? Is there a ransom note?" I asked and took another piece of chocolate.
"He's gone to Ireland, he says he'll be back around Monday, so after you move into the accommodation thing. He'll come visit you then."
"Will he bring chocolate?" I asked, he laughed.
"How are you actually feeling?" He asked, I smiled.
"Good. Honestly, there's actually something there, like, you know when people who've lost a limb say they can feel it itch?" I asked, he nodded. "I've always felt like there was a part of my body missing and now it's like, it's there." I said. "And it's an amazing feeling." I said, he grinned and kissed me, I sighed against him, so he looked at me, “oh that was happy. Definitely happy.”
“I told you I liked penis.” He said, I kissed him again, hugging him as close to me as I could until he somehow managed to tug on my catheter.
“Ow,” I said against his lips, he blushed.
“What did I do?”
“You don’t want to know.” I replied then leant my head against his, “but that hurt quite a bit.” I said then shook my head at him.
“Your parents will kill me if I say I injured you.” He said, I laughed.
“I’ll tell on you tomorrow.” I replied, he tutted at me.
“Oh. I gave.” He said, going into his back pocket and passing me a little piece of laminated card. “But I only really want you and Morgan there, so invite your group friends and Aoife to make it look as if I have friends.” He said, I smiled as I read what I could now tell was an invite.
“Function room?” I said, he shrugged at me.
“We’re not having a house party. Do you think we’re stupid Mickey?” He said, I laughed, “so function room, then you’ll be coming back with me because it’s my birthday and I want you to.”
“Three months.” I replied.
“There or thereabouts.” He said nodding.
“I’ll come back with you.” I said, he grinned.
⚫⚫⚫
I had been summoned by Doctor Knight, she had refused to come and meet me, telling me to come to her room because I needed to walk. My Nurses had started to use it against me now. I’m sure, but I still managed to walk to Doctor Knight without really putting pants on over the boxer shorts Mum had brought me, they were big enough to pull of just being shorts. She smiled a very amused smile at me as I went into her room.
“Come take a seat Casey.” She said, “they’re soft, I promise.” She added, so I did, almost sinking into the seat and feeling quite thankful for it.
“I think this is the first soft seat I’ve ever sat on.” I said, she laughed and came to sit opposite me.
“I’ve been reading your record, with George.” She said, I nodded to her, “you have been transferred to my surgery rather than continuing to get testosterone from Manchester.”
“Well, that makes sense.” I said, she agreed.
“You mentioned wanting to change how you take it?”
“Yes.” I said warily, “I currently take it weekly, on a Thursday but I suppose Mum’s right it’ll get in the way sooner or later.”
“Do you have a preference of what you want to change it too?” She asked, I shrugged.
Kaiden had patches, he’d told me they were like a smoker patch, he changed it every night but you couldn’t put it back on the same part of your body which to me sounded almost like too much effort. Milo had the injection every three months, actually, most of them had the injection every three months, it was just Ashley and Harvey who didn’t take T. “You can come off it. That’s an option.” She said, I frowned.
“Won’t that reverse the effects?”
“Not straight away.” She said, I shook my head.
“I love T, or, I love what T does. I don’t want to come off it, I guess my only option is changing to the three months.”
“You realise you will experience dips in testosterone then?” She asked, I looked at her, “when it is due, you will feel that it’s due.”
“But that’s okay. Right?” I asked, she looked back at me thoughtfully.
“It’ll be a higher dose than what you take now.” She said, I nodded, “so, you will feel it when it’s injected, it’ll be more than it is now.” She said, I bit my lip. “Then it will drop towards the end of the three months. So, for example, you will feel more sexually active after you have had your injection, but feel a bit less when it’s due.”
“And if I stay on the weekly?”
“Nothing changes.” She said lightly, “but, I understand what your Mum is getting at.”
“I do too.” I agreed then gasped as I closed my legs, I saw as she resisted laughter. “You must get some satanic pleasure from this.” I said.
“Of course not.” She said sounding shocked, I smiled at my knees “How about,” She said, I looked at her, “we keep you on the weekly for now, you’ve just got a new appendage, let’s not throw you completely out of whack. In say, three months we sit down, have a discussion and make a decision then.”
“I can work with that.” I said, she smiled.
“Now, should we do a check-up? My nurses are telling me you’re quite happy with the new addition.”
“I am, extremely so! It sucks that I can’t see it yet.” I said, she smiled at me as she stood, telling me to and taking me into the little connecting Doctor’s room, she stood me behind a curtain.
“Arm first please.” She said, so I held it out to her. I hadn’t looked at my arm, I feared it’d make my knees go weak so I looked over my shoulder as she checked under the bandage, I heard her amusement loud and clear. “When you leave.” She said, I looked at her, “soak your arm in…”
“Almond oil?” I said, she smiled at me, “Milo mentioned it.” I added.
“Hopefully you have a good boyfriend like him who rubs it for you.”
“I wish.” I said, she grinned before telling me to remove my shorts, so I did then watched as she unwrapped the bandages.
“Want to see?” She asked, I nodded so she turned me to a mirror, I stood just looking at myself for quite a long time. “Good?” She asked.
“Oh my God.” I said, she smiled, “I mean I’ve been telling people I have a penis, but I have a penis.” I said then looked at her, “thank you.” I added, she shook her head at me, “no, no thank you. I would never have gotten it without you.”
⚧
3 Weeks After
I was moved into a hospital accommodation following a meeting with Doctor Knight who had stated that I could in fact walk and that my penis was doing well. She made my parents help me move, then promised she’d come and see me at the end of the week to remove my bandages completely.
“Still feel bruised.” I said, Dad laughed as he placed the suitcase that I apparently needed down and put my backpack on.
“Is it worth it?”
“Yeah.” I said nodding, “I saw it in the mirror the other day. It’s worth it.” I said, he smiled, “what’s in the suitcase?”
“Your entire bedroom.” He replied, I frowned. “Mum packed.”
“Oh.”
“Toothbrush, razor, enough underwear, pyjamas, day clothes, t-shirts, long t-shirts in case it’s cold, some socks.” She began to list, I looked at Dad,
“This is more painful.” I said, he smiled.
“Don’t worry we’ll be gone tonight.” He said, I laughed. “Mickey said he was staying this week?” He asked, I nodde
d slowly.
“Wednesday I think he said he was coming, staying for a few nights.”
“I’m glad you’ve got company.” Mum said, I agreed.
“And George?” Dad asked.
“He’s gone back home, but will get the train down to talk to me one more time before I’m fully discharged.” I said nodding, he nodded back. “Could you guys maybe stay for lunch?” I asked, Mum almost instantly began nodding.
There was a knock on my door that night, I groaned at it because it meant I had to move. My parents had gone just before they were required to pick Abi up from school, so I’d hunted out the remote and sat watching afternoon television whilst enjoying being able to use my phone again.
I gave up in the end and stood, going to answer the door, almost laughing when I saw Kaiden on the other side, I let the laugh out when Milo appeared.
“We figured.” Kaiden said, as I stepped back to let them in. “We’d do group here tonight.” He continued then stood back himself as Milo came in, followed of course by the rest of the group.
“We brought food too.” Jesse said, showing me the box of pizza, Ashley followed with two big bottles of drinks.
“Group’s just not the same without.” Kieran said, I laughed. “We sat for about ten minutes then thought screw it.” He said.
“So how are you feeling?” Milo asked, I looked at him, genuinely unable to wipe the smile off my face.
“You’re walking so you’re doing well.” Kaiden said, I nodded.
“I’ve sat down all afternoon though.” I said, as they chose to sit on the oversized couch and armchair set up, they left one of the armchairs for me to sit on, so I did. “It’s nice not being checked on every fifteen minutes to see if I’m moving.” I said, Kaiden and Milo almost instantly agreed.
“And the, ‘you only need paracetamol’.” Milo said.
“Yes! Where the hell was the morphine.” I said then took a slice of pizza.
“Are you still bandaged?” Kaiden asked, I nodded.
“Doctor Knight said she’ll take them off Friday.” I said. “Apparently everything looks okay.”
“That kind of sucks.” Jesse said, I looked at him, “I wanted to see it.” He added, “in like the least sexual way.” He added quickly, as everyone giggled around him.
“You can see my arm, if you want.” I said, he looked at me, my bandage had been downgraded to an oversized plaster and I had seen it, when I’d sat down and fully prepared myself to.
“Have you never seen a penis?” Kieran said, Jesse rolled his eyes, “no genuinely because that’s all it’ll look like.” He said, Jesse tutted.
“I want to see your arm.” He said, I laughed wiping my fingers on my shorts then peeling off the top of the plaster, the gasp that was replied made me grin.
“Oh my God. Ow.” Ashley said, I nodded.
“I said to my Nurse, my arm I think is where the most pain is coming from.” I said, as I recovered it.
“I want it on my thigh.” Jesse said then looked at Ashley. “Got it?”
“I’m not doing your surgery you know.” He almost squeaked back.
“But if I can’t speak, or can’t make my own decisions.” Jesse said dramatically.
“I don’t think you’d be getting bottom surgery, more like a machine shut off.” Ashley replied, Kieran almost sniggered behind them,
“They’re more domestic than we are.” He said happily, I grinned.
“Have you used it in the bathroom yet?” Milo asked, so I looked at him, “I’m just curious.” He added.
“Not standing.” I said, “they removed the catheter and said to just sort of get used to using it before attempting to stand.”
“You ignored them, right?” Kaiden asked, I nodded slowly whilst chewing the pizza he laughed, “like a sprinkler?” he asked, I nodded.
“It was terrifying.” I said, they both grinned at me. “And it just wouldn’t stop.” I said covering my face, they all laughed.
“We brought you present.” Kaiden said, nodding to Luke, I looked at him as he revealed a box from the side of the couch, “almost like a post-surgery care package.” He said, I smiled, moving forward on the seat as Luke set the box in front of me. I opened it carefully, laughing at the five pack of boxers on the top, so I stood to look in it properly. There was a bottle of almond oil, a book, a very big bar of chocolate and a doughnut to sit on.
“Thank you.” I said amused, they all grinned back at me.
“And you’ll be back at group when?” Riley asked, I laughed.
“The week after next hopefully. With a fully functioning penis.” I added, they all whooped at me as I retook my seat without really thinking about it and groaning almost instantly.
“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.” Kaiden said, I laughed.
“Just don’t sit on your balls. That hurts.” Milo said, I laughed behind my hands.
“Now, should we actually do group?” Harvey asked, I nodded.
“Sorry I won’t speak again.” I said, Harvey shook his head.
“Don’t be silly.” He said, I took another piece of pizza. “Bring to circle?”
“T appointment.” Jesse said raising his hand, “two weeks’ time.” He said.
“With Doctor Knight?” Kieran asked, Jesse nodded.
“Who else.” Milo said, everyone agreed.
“Excited?” Luke asked, Jesse nodded.
“I almost wet myself when I got the letter, I was so excited.” He said laughing, Ashley head-butted Jesse’s shoulder, it made grin.
“Well,” Luke said, we all looked at him, “we’re having talks about surgeries.” He said, “I’ve been put on the waiting list for top, and bottom is in the pipeline.”
“That is amazing.” Jesse said, Luke nodded.
“We’ll have to go out for a pint Jesse.” He said simply.
“Jesse is still sixteen.” Kieran said.
“Sorry, I said that in front of your carer, bad shout.” Luke said.
“And we’ll take you out for a pint when you can sit on bar stools again.” Kaiden said, I nodded to him. “We can hide Jesse amongst us, Kieran will never know.” He added.
“Good shout Kai.” Luke said pointing at him as I sat back in my seat, watching them as Kieran rolled his eyes and Jesse laughed, whilst Ashley cuddled Jesse’s arm.
Milo shook his head at them all his amusement clear on his face until he decided to join in, getting instantly pointed at by Kieran, so I smiled at Riley who shook his head at me.
“They’re mad.” He said, I nodded.
“They’re awesome.” I replied.
⚫⚫⚫
I was visited by a nurse every morning, they started to become like the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, I’d hear the keys rattling as they tried to get in through the door and I’d jump as quickly as I could out of bed and make it look as if I hadn’t been attempting to sleep in.
The Nurse always knew better, looked me up and down with a slight disapproval then made me take a seat on the couch so they could take a blood sample and my blood pressure.
“Have we had any progress with the standing to pee yet?” I asked, the Nurse smiled whilst tapping my arm.
“Give it a few weeks Casey.” She said, I sighed at her, “at this point it’d probably still be a bit tender to touch.” She said, I sighed at her, she knocked my arm so I laughed. “What are you doing today Casey?” She asked, I shrugged lightly.
“I don’t know yet. I’m not even sure if I’ve got any visitors today.” I said.
“The gardens are lovely for a walk.” She said, I laughed.
“You’re not getting me to walk if there’s no one to walk with.” I said, she smiled.
“Fine, but don’t be lazy.” She stated, “if I come tomorrow morning and you’ve been lazy there will be trouble.”
“I’m sure there will be.” I said, she nodded as she left the accommodation, so I had some breakfast. There was a knock on the door around lunch time s
o I went to get it, having to take a very deep breath when I got to the door as I still wasn’t quite used to it hurting every time I stood up. I just stared when I opened the door.
“Casey.” She said, I gasped.
“Aunt Cassie!” I squeaked back at her then hugged her almost instantly groaning. “Ow.” I whispered, she laughed whilst cuddling me ensuring it wasn’t painful. “What are you doing here?” I said, she shook her head at me as she pushed my hair back.
“How on earth could I not come and visit my favourite nephew when he’s having life changing surgery.” She said then held my chin, “you’ve grown so much Casey.” She said, “a proper man now.” She added, I looked away from her although continued to smile, “I thought I could take you out for lunch. I’ve got the car so not too much walking for you.” She said, I nodded.
“That sounds amazing.” I replied, “I just need to put pants on.” I said, looking down myself. I probably had to change the t-shirt I’d been living in for the last three days as well, and I did although felt slightly underdressed in jogging bottoms whilst also feeling slightly rebellious as I wasn’t wearing any underwear.
She drove us to a little tea room, and ensured we got the most comfortable seats in the entire room. We both got a sandwich, and a big piece of cake each then sat for a moment admiring the size of the piece of cake.
“So, I feel as if I’ve missed out on all the good stuff.” She said, I laughed.
“Did Mum tell you I had a boyfriend?” I asked, she gasped at me.
“Tell me all the details now Avocado.” She said.
“Surely not them all.” I replied, she grinned at me, “Mickey he’s wonderful, he’s tall, very tall but kind, so kind and clever, he’s extremely clever.” I said, Cassie smiled at me. “When I told him about me, he asked about my surgery. He didn’t freak out; he didn’t do anything he just…”
“He sounds perfect Avocado.” She said, I nodded. “Your Mum told me about your grandmother’s party.”
“She isn’t my grandmother.” I replied, she tutted at me, hitting my arm very lightly. “She isn’t, and she’s a bitch.” I added, then bit my lip. “She called me…” I began then looked at her, “my birth name.”
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