“I like the idea of a lot.” He whispered back, I grinned as I knelt up, leaning against him and kissing him. Until there was a knock on my door, so I sat back on my knees frowning at my door until it opened.
“You should get some rest Casey.” Mum said, I looked at Mickey, “Dad’s going to take Abi to school then come back and we’re going to go the hospital with you, okay?”
“Okay.” I said nodding, “that sounds like a good plan. George said he’ll be there tomorrow.”
“So definitely some rest, as George is usually quite perceptive.” She said, Mickey snorted quietly, “good night.” She said, I nodded.
“Night.” I replied.
“Good night.” Mickey said, before pulling me back towards him as the door closed.
I gave Abi an extra-long cuddle before she went to school, mostly because she wouldn’t let me go. In the end, Dad pulled her off me telling her she’d be late otherwise and got her into the car.
“Does she know?” Mickey asked, I shook my head.
“No, she doesn’t know.” I said then felt him rub my arm. “I’m not sad about that, she doesn’t need to know, she’s eight. There’s no point in sitting her down and saying your brother’s going for an operation to get a penis.”
“I’m not even sure Abi’s aware of what a penis is.” Mum said, I smiled as Mickey laughed. “And if she does, I’m pretty certain it’d just confuse her.”
“True.” Mickey said, “now if it’s okay, can I have a shower?” He said, Mum nodded as I did.
“You’ve got almost an hour.” Mum said, “use it wisely.” She added, I followed Mickey up the stairs.
Dad arrived back with a McDonalds breakfast then got us into the car and drove to the hospital. They were expecting me, which almost unnerved me. I was moved to a room and given a hospital gown almost instantly then I just had to wait because I didn’t know where to go and there were no nurses around to tell me where to go.
Mickey was the first to appear, he stuck his head around the door and practically beamed when he saw me, so he came to sit next to me, as I hadn’t moved from the middle of the bed yet.
“A very nice man, with a very soft looking beard came and took your parents.”
“George.” I replied, “he must be doing a session with them before me.”
“I like your gown.”
“Isn’t it wonderful.” I replied, he grinned.
“Really suits you.”
“I thought so too you know. I might start wearing one every day.”
“You could get different colours. Oh different patterns, I walked past a kid who had ducks on theirs, you should have ducks.”
“Ducks would be pretty cool.” I agreed, “or spaceships.”
“That’d be amazing.” Mickey said.
“You’ll come and visit me, right?” I asked, his smile softened.
“Of course I will. The moment I’m told you’re allowed visitors I will be here.”
“I told you, you didn’t know what you were getting in for.”
“And I told you, there is nothing off the top of my head I can think of that stops me wanting to kiss you.” He replied, so I kissed him, simply holding his chin then smiling at him.
“Ready Casey?” I heard George say, I looked at him.
“I’m ready.” I replied. then jumped off the bed and went to him.
“I presume this is Mickey.” George said, Mickey shook his hand.
“George?” He replied, George laughed.
“We can have a chat too if you want.” He said, Mickey looked at me for a moment.
“I might take you up on that.” He replied, “for now though, I’m going to go, if that’s okay with you?” He asked, I nodded.
“Come and visit though.”
“You know I will.” He replied, squeezed my hand then left, I watched him go until George had me follow him to a therapy room.
“Am I allowed to hug you yet?” I asked once we walked in, George laughed.
“As you’re eighteen I’ll say you can.” He replied, so I did, he hugged me back and it felt nice. “Should we start with that fact you’re more affectionate towards people? Or do you want to discuss that later?” He asked, as I took the offered seat.
“I hadn’t noticed.” I replied, “where are my parents?”
“I’ve had a few words with them, then I sent them to the café because now I want to talk to you. In person.”
“Okay.” I said, “that’s okay.” I said nodding as he opened his book.
When I was younger, a lot younger, he called it his Case File to make me laugh, and it worked. Out of everything he said to me, that made me giggle and in turn, relax to talk to him. I bought him a new one every Christmas because it felt like an appropriate present to give your therapist, and because he was going through them quicker than he could buy them in the early years. I figured now he must have an actual Case File with the number of books he had about me.
“Your Mum said you had a lot of friends here?”
“Group helped.” I said, he smiled, “they’ve become friends to me, rather than just group therapy mates.”
“That’s good.” He said nodding, I agreed.
“It’s fun, especially given Milo and Kaiden have had bottom surgery, so they’ve been unbelievably helpful the last few weeks.”
“Helped with your nerves?”
“Oh I’m still nervous. Extremely nervous but I sort of know what’s coming.” I said, he nodded.
“And school?”
“I did my last exam yesterday.” I said, he smiled, “now I don’t have to go back anyway, it was a bit shit not going honestly, but I couldn’t risk not feeling safe. I couldn’t risk getting myself all worked up before coming here.”
“And that makes perfect sense Casey, and was very sensible of you.”
“If I could’ve quit school at twelve, I would’ve.” I said, he laughed.
“That unfortunately, isn’t how school works.” He said.
“I know.” I replied, “but I did it.”
“Yes, and I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for getting through school. Especially with six A’s in your GCSE’s.”
“It was easier to study than socialise.” I said.
“So are we expecting low marks for your A-Levels?” he said, I smirked.
“I don’t know what you could possibly be referring to George.”
“Your parents are very proud of you.” He said, I looked at him, “your Dad was telling me about a few weeks ago.” He said, I frowned to myself, “he panicked because you went on bathroom lockdown.”
“I cut myself shaving.” I said, he nodded.
“He told me he was so relieved that, that was all you had done.” He said, I looked at my hands. “They’re proud of how far you’ve come, of the fact you can talk to them now, the fact you have made friends and started a relationship.”
“Things a normal eighteen-year-old should be doing.”
“Casey you are a normal eighteen year old.” He replied. “Extremely normal if what your Mum said is true.” He added.
“About Mickey?” I asked, he nodded, I smirked to myself.
Doctor Knight was doing my surgery, and she lived up to her reputation in group when she came to see me the evening before.
“Casey?” She asked, I nodded as I sat up in bed, I’d been trying to find the TV remote for the last hour, it didn’t seem to exist, so I gave up and had almost fell asleep.
“Doctor Knight.” I replied, she smiled, “I’ve heard a lot.” I said, she laughed.
“I’m sure you have.” She said nodding to me, I grinned back. “So, I’m just here to talk you through what I’ll be doing tomorrow okay?” She said, I nodded, “if it gets too detailed, just let me know and I’ll spare you the gore.”
“Okay.” I said nodding to her as she sat on my bed and showed me what she had on her clipboard, it was a diagram of a penis and an arm, she took me through it step by step and I allowed the gore
because I was curious then she asked me to choose my favourite arm.
“If it were to change how I do T, could I have it on my thigh?” I queried, as I looked at my forearms.
“Your poor thigh is probably very used to being pricked by now.” She said, I looked at her, “it’d be better in the long run to use your arm skin, then you can have full feeling. However, don’t think I’m saying you can’t change the method you have T but I think we’ll discuss that post-surgery?”
“Okay.” I agreed, “left.” I added, “it’s bigger.” I added then blushed.
“That’s fine.” She said as she wrote something on her clipboard. “Now rest well Casey, I’ll come and get you in the morning.”
“Okay.” I said nodding, “oh.” I added, she looked at me as she stood, “where’s the TV remote?” I asked, she laughed and went into the drawers alongside my bed, passing the remote to me, “thank you.” I said as I turned it around in my hands so I could press the on button.
I woke up very, very early the next morning, so I lay looking through the blinds as the sun rose then got out of bed and found the en-suite, going in and shutting the door behind me staring at the long mirror I was stood opposite.
I knew nothing I could see was going to change, I knew Doctor Knight although amazing wasn’t a magician, but I still examined my face I had shaved the morning of my exam so my chin was bare, but that was okay. Today, that was perfectly fine.
I undid the bow in the back of my hospital gown, pulling down the sleeves and holding it around my waist so I could look at my chest, which I guess didn’t look too bad today. The scarring had gone, they’d gone a long time ago, so looking back at me was just a chest, a normal chest. I ran my hand from my neck down, leaving it resting on my stomach then I closed my eyes, remembering how Mickey had looked topless, the only difference really was the little trail of hair from my bellybutton to my pants, mine was black whereas his had been light brown like his hair.
I took a very deep breath in before stepping out of my gown, although I kept my eyes focused on my chest, I hadn’t seen myself fully naked in years, I’d banned any mirror that went below shoulders from the bathroom and my bedroom as I didn’t want to see it, but I forced myself too, because I knew by tonight it’d have changed, so I looked at myself, seeing myself for the first time in years.
It still hurt, I felt the familiar tinge in my chest as I looked at myself in the mirror when my eyes began to water, I looked back up, looking at the vent in the ceiling until the want to cry had passed by.
I took a deep breath, went to the toilet, brushed my teeth and redressed myself in my gown, looking back at myself for a little while longer then leaving the en-suite. I’d barely climbed back into bed when Doctor Knight appeared, a big smile on her face so I smiled back because all of a sudden, all the nervousness had gone. I didn’t feel like jelly anymore. I felt ready.
She spoke to me as they wheeled me to surgery, she spoke to me the entire way about anything that didn’t relate to surgery, she squeezed my hand before washing hers and putting her big long gloves on then her mask and her hat, I watched as she prepared herself then she came to stand by my head.
“Ready Casey?” She asked, I nodded.
“I’m ready.” I replied, turning my head back and watching as they put my mask over my nose and mouth, I tried to keep my eyes open as long as I could, focusing on Doctor Knight but they soon dropped shut.
⚫⚫⚫
I think I'd be fonder of my nurse if she didn't make me do things. I was laying in my designated bed, looking through the gaps in the in the blinds of daylight outside, not daring to move until I was told it was completely necessary to, then she appeared.
"Up you get Casey!" She declared loudly, so I turned my head, "I need to change your bed, you need a wash and new clothes." She stated and almost threatened to begin changing the bed with me in it.
"I'm a patient, you should be nicer to me." I said, she laughed.
"You are not ill young man, just feeling a little sorry for yourself."
"It hurts to walk." I moaned, far too overdramatically.
"Oh I know." She cooed back at me, "I'm still going to make you do it." She stated, so I gave up, sitting up carefully then getting out of the bed, finding a new t-shirt and pair of boxers to change into then waddling to the little en-suite. "You're due a bandage change today." She called through to the bathroom as I pressed the button that started the shower which was a waterfall, the water literally came tumbling down, whilst also making the entire en-suite wet.
"Will that hurt?" I shouted back, she hummed, it unnerved me. "Thanks." I said, "that helped a lot."
"Such sass." She replied making me smile as I slipped into the shower, standing with my back to the water so I could control how wet I got, the shower felt great. Really, really great, as did the fresh clothes. "Alright, take a seat." She said, so I did, wincing slightly as I sunk into the mattress. "Would you like it in any particular order today, sir?" She asked, I laughed.
"I'm good with blood, catheter then bandages if you're good for it." I said, "what even has my life become." I said, she laughed then began to prepare the needle to take my blood. "Are you feeling any pain?"
"Sort of, not bad pain, just an ache pain." I said then watched as she put the needle into my vein. "It could be much worse."
"Well, that's a bright side of life isn't it." She said, I smiled, as she tidied up the needle, then asked me to sit back, so she could flush my catheter, and everything about that was uncomfortable, although the changing of the bandages trumped everything beforehand, I had to squeeze the pillow tightly until she deemed me done.
"Fuck me, that was difficult." I said, she raised an eyebrow at me but allowed it.
"Don't worry, they'll be off soon." She said, "as will the catheter you'll be back to normal before you know it." She said, I laughed.
"I think you mean I'll finally be my normal self." I said, she squeezed my arm.
"You apparently have a visitor this afternoon." She said then raised an eyebrow, "a man." She continued, so I laughed.
"George?" I queried, she nodded.
"We'll come and get you when he arrives." She said, "make sure you move about, don't be lazy Casey." She stated, I laughed whilst watching her collect the kidney bowls she had placed on my bed.
He arrived around two pm and unfortunately, he required me to actually put on pants. I was taken to a meeting room, which had tinted windows and blinds over the door, George was sat at the table in the middle of the room, his notebook in front of him.
"Hello Casey." He said, I smiled at him then took a seat, although, it took a few wiggles to finally be able to sit comfortably. "Lovely day." He stated, I shrugged.
"I haven't been outside." I replied, so he smiled, almost evilly.
"Well shall we make this meeting a walking one, this room is far too dark, far too clinical." He declared, I agreed but winced at the thought of walking. "Your nurse told me you needed to walk." He said, pointing his pen at me, I laughed.
"I'm trying to avoid it. Honestly." I said, he nodded then stood, I sighed but followed. He opened the door for me then lead me down the corridors until we reached a set of French doors, which took us out into the hospital garden.
We followed the pebbled path around all its winds before finding a pretty secluded bench to sit on, that was when George decided the small talk was over.
"So, how do you feel then?" He asked, I nodded.
"Amazing." I said then laughed, "a bit in pain." I added. "But I suppose no pain no gain." I said, he laughed.
"Can you tell me what you had done?" He asked, I frowned at him. "I know, it's all in my notes, but I want to hear it from you, and I want to know your feelings on it." He said, I nodded slowly, mostly thoughtfully. I did know what had been done, I just couldn't remember every single medical term that had been used. "In your words." George added, I smiled at him.
"I know that they did phalloplasty." I said, I'd been learning that w
ord for years. "So, they formed the penis, the testicles and the urethra." I said, "so I should be able to pee standing up, but can't have sex, which is totally fine. I always saw myself as a bottom anyway." I said then sighed, "that was oversharing." I said then looked at George who smiled.
"Continue?" He suggested, I nodded slightly.
"It took eight hours, they did everything in one go, and used the tissue from my forearm, I think that hurts more than anything else." I said thoughtfully. "My feelings on everything?" I asked, he nodded, "fuck yes I have a penis." I said, he laughed, so I did. "I am happy. I've seen it, this morning actually, when my nurse changed my bandages, and it looks like I wanted it, there's still some visible stitches but, they should fade."
"Great." He said, I nodded to him. "So, obviously, now for the fun part."
"Your professional questions." I said, he laughed then nodded.
"Do you regret your decision?"
"No, not at all." I said, he nodded.
"Do you think you had the surgery at the right time?" He asked, I nodded.
"Yeah. Honestly. I know a lot of people were saying I was very young, but I know what I wanted. I know what my body needed and I think it was the right time." I said then looked at him and smiled, "I had been waiting practically eighteen years to get this done." I said, "I think if I waited any longer, I'd have burst."
"Would you change anything?"
"No, I don't think I would." I said, "I think it's gone quite smoothly." I added then laughed. "Actually, I haven't seen Mickey yet, I'll let you know." I said, he almost smiled.
"You know we're still going to meet, for a little while at least."
"I'd be disappointed if we weren't." I replied, he laughed.
My nurse had developed a habit of checking on me every fifteen minutes or so, she wanted to make sure that I was actually moving. I wasn't but she didn't need to know that. I'd counted seven minutes from her last check when my door opened again, I barely had enough time to pretend I hadn't been sat in bed, staring at the new bulge in my pants.
"Sometimes I look at my penis too." Mickey said, I lowered the cover, "I mean, it's right there." He continued, I grinned at him.
"Hello." I said, he grinned.
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