Beautiful Bad

by Annie Ward

  “There’s been a misunderstanding, Ian.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I thought you weren’t going to be home until next week.”

  “I’m sure I said this week.”

  “You didn’t!”

  “Well, no worries, hon. It’s not as if I’m going to be cross with you if the house isn’t tidy, for heaven’s sakes! I just want to see you and Charlie. We can order pizza if there’s no food in. Actually I quite fancy the idea of that jalapeño special from Sarpinos. We can do that.”

  “Ian?”

  “Yes?”

  “I’ll see you at the house, okay? Try not to be mad when I see you. Please. There’s nothing I can do about it now.”

  “Come on, Maddie. What in bloody hell is going on?”

  “I’m going to get Charlie and the dogs and go home now, okay? I’ll see you there shortly.”

  “Maddie, you’re winding me up!”

  “I know. I’m sorry, I know. I’ll see you at home.”

  “Fine.” Ian hung up and smacked his fist down on the car seat.

  Having noticed that Ian’s mood had taken a severe turn for the worse after his phone call, the young Uber driver remained silent as they skirted Kansas City and headed for the southern suburbs. Ian was scowling now, wondering what bullshit he was going to find at home. Maddie had been acting differently this summer. The Skype calls he had made from the oil compound had been met with a frostier reception than in years previous. He suspected she was upset about her injury, but he had seen all sorts of uglier accidents over the years, and her disfigurement wasn’t anything a good plastic surgeon and a decent budget couldn’t fix.

  What worried him more was how furious she had been about their argument the night of the accident. Did she actually believe that he planned to leave her and Charlie stranded in Kansas for the rest of her “good years” while he bounced around from Azerbaijan to Tunisia to Yemen? If only he could trade places with her! If only she could spend all that time in third-world airport lounges and secure compounds; all that time she thought was so precious and lovely and all to oneself, and he could be the one to stay home and watch cartoons and eat chips and cookies with Charlie.

  How would she like it? To her, travel was chardonnay on the terrace, and to him it was body odor and bombs. However, a little voice whispered. However. She had put up with quite a lot over the years. As he had once confessed to her, he knew he was glum and angry and paranoid. And still, she’d scratched his head and tickled his face while he lay on her lap watching the horror movies that he preferred to her comedies and dramas. God knows she’d been a devoted mom to Charlie. Best of all, Ian still liked getting drunk with her and rehashing all the same stories about the Balkans—the horseshit heavy-metal band, the crotchless panties on the waitress from the pizza place, the throat-and-crap dinner and the night the mountain burned.

  The last couple of years had been hard. Ian had known he was not going to be some star student when it came to learning how to be a new dad with a tiny baby. He had warned her. And then there had been all that shit with Ebola! Seriously? Fucking health-care workers, who should bloody well know better, were getting on airplanes with fevers. And Maddie wanted to take the baby to Spain? Right. Like that was going to happen!

  I’m not sure what she was expecting, he thought, somewhat miserably. He had changed a few diapers, administered the occasional bottle and supervised one or two baths. But if she could just wait. Just be patient with him. Boys get big, and then they play video games and sports and go camping. They learn to use weapons and talk about famous battles and history, and he would be fine then, wouldn’t he? Yes.

  So he hadn’t earned any medals when it came to helping out with an infant. So he hadn’t wanted to travel on a hot and crowded airplane with her and Charlie to some ridiculous destination that screaming Charlie would never remember, the whole trip torture and Ian in a nasty, defensive mood. Why subject any of them to that horror? He didn’t like to snap at Maddie. It was just better now to keep things simple. Simple. Not her desire for a vacation in Bulgaria. Or Thailand. Or New Zealand. Good God, why couldn’t she just relax for a bit and enjoy not working and being at home while Charlie was little? Did she even know how many times they would have to change planes to get to New Zealand? Charlie would go mad. But she wanted more than camping. Understandable, really. She was a bloody woman after all.

  He’d decided not to accept another assignment for at least six weeks. He’d take Maddie and Charlie somewhere easy, like an all-inclusive holiday retreat with childcare. In Mexico. It was foreign and they spoke another language, and that would appease Maddie. He knew you could fly there direct from Kansas City. Doable. Play with Charlie half the day, give him over to the nursery the other half and drink wine and lie together in bed or next to the pool. He would tell Maddie when he got home, and hopefully it would make her happy.

  * * *

  Ian used his key to enter the front door. Sophie and Skopie leaped off the couch and raced toward him, so excited that they lost their footing on the shiny hardwood floor, sending them crashing into his shins. He dropped down to one knee and let them jump on him and whine, relishing the taste of his fingers as their stubby tails wagged back and forth as if powered by motors.

  After a bit, he stood back up and looked around. This was strange. He waited. Usually Maddie and Charlie came running to him together from the kitchen or the stairs.

  Maddie slipped quietly out from the bathroom at the other end of the great room and stood still, looking at him.

  Ian dropped his bag and walked toward her, arms open for a hug. Her eyes looked glassy, as if she had a fever. “Hi,” she said, giving him a weak embrace. Then she inclined her head toward the chair in the corner.

  Ian looked. Joanna was slumped there motionless, her hands plunged in her pockets, her wild hair hanging everywhere. Ian’s jaw dropped. He hadn’t even noticed her, and now his adrenaline was making him see spots.

  “Hey there,” Joanna said. “Surprise.”

  “Holy. Fucking. Hell. You’ve got to be kidding. I thought I was uncomfortable in the middle of a Nigerian oil inferno. That was nothing. Right! I’m off!” He turned his back on them and started heading back to the front door.

  Maddie ran and stood in front of him. If he’d lost weight, she’d lost more. She was very pale, and her eyes were puffy as if she’d been crying. Also, it became suddenly clear to him that she was absolutely terrified and shaking, almost as if she were about to faint. “I was lonely, Ian,” she said. “I missed her. I made a mistake about when you were coming back. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes since the accident. I saw a new doctor, and he said I may have some sort of brain injury. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “What kind of brain injury? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t want to worry you. I know how stressful your assignments are, and I didn’t want to make it any worse for you. You hate being away from me and Charlie, and if you knew I might be...sick...you would probably just have quit and come home. I didn’t want to mess up your job.”

  “Oh, Maddie. The job wouldn’t have mattered.” He turned and looked at Joanna with helpless hatred.

  “My psychologist thought it was a good idea to get back in touch with Jo. And she was right. We’ve worked everything out. She’s been so helpful this last week. I really have been feeling better, and it’s thanks to her. Please, let’s all try to be adults about this?”

  Ian rubbed his chin as he and Joanna stared at one another. She stood up and walked over ever so sweetly. He looked back at Maddie, seeing naive hopefulness and that horrible scarred eye. “Okay, Petal,” he said.

  He extended his hand. “Truce?”

  Joanna regarded him darkly from under her curtain of hair and shook the hand he offered with a fake smile. The awkward moment was interrupted when, from the staircase
, Charlie cried, “Daddy!”

  Charlie clambered down the stairs and then across the house excitedly. Ian picked him up, and he slung his little legs around his waist. My God, he’s gotten so big, thought Ian, beaming at him. Charlie ate it up and squealed as Ian bounced around the room for a minute singing a song from his childhood in England. “So I went to my granny’s but my granny wasn’t in, so I sat on the chair and the chair fell in!” Each time the chair fell, Ian whooshed Charlie down to the ground and back up again in his arms. Charlie was laughing in a delirium of happiness. Skopie and Sophie saw that it was playtime and began circling them, barking and jumping up on Ian’s legs.

  “More, Daddy. More! More!” This was the first time Ian had heard “Daddy, more, more,” and loved it. His son had gone from a baby to a boy while he was gone.

  “I went to my granny’s but my granny wasn’t in, so I sat on the chair and the chair fell in!”

  Joanna walked past Maddie. She whispered, “I’m going to my room. Call me when this show is over.”

  “What’s that?” Ian said, looking at the two of them. “Is everything all right?”

  “Joanna’s going upstairs for a bit,” Maddie answered, her eyes crawling the floor.

  “She doesn’t have to. She’s perfectly welcome to stay down here.”

  Joanna trotted up the stairs without another word.

  Ian approached Maddie with Charlie still clinging on to him like a baby monkey. “It’s okay, Maddie. I’m not angry. I’m not going to say a word. Except...”

  Maddie perked up. She cocked her head to the side. It was a challenge. “Except?”

  “Since yesterday morning,” he said in a low, warning voice, “I’ve only had to pass through three shitty airports.”

  Maddie reached out and gently took Charlie. “Baby, you know those drawings you did for Daddy? The ones up in the playroom? Go get them so you can show Daddy!”

  Charlie ran off, and Maddie turned her eyes back to Ian, who was waiting. “Three shitty airports,” she prompted, making the boo-hoo face she usually saved for Charlie.

  Ian breathed through his nose while he took this in and then leaned very close to her, his face almost touching hers. “Yes. Full of transport workers that can’t be trusted and people who don’t have the slightest idea how to queue. Several men were dragged out of the crowd and hit with a baton. In two out of the three airports I was in today, half the crowd was staring at me because I’m white, of which a good percent probably were hoping I was going to get pulled out of line and get my head lopped off. It would have been awesome of you to have the decency to inform me that I was going to be ambushed at home as well.”

  Maddie looked away in an unfocused manner and mumbled, “I haven’t been myself. I mixed up the days. I’m sorry.”

  Ian didn’t know what to say. What he wanted, in the worst way, was for Joanna to disappear, to order pizza, and for him and Maddie to play with Charlie and the dogs. There was no way that was going to happen. Suddenly Ian very much wanted to have a cigarette in his basement. “I’m going downstairs.”

  “Charlie’s gone to get some drawings to show you. I’ll send him down, is that okay?”

  “No! I don’t want him down there when I’m smoking. Tell him I’ll be up shortly.”

  Ian planted himself in front of his computers, lit a cigarette and started to play Candy Crush instead of one of his strategic war games. He wanted something mindless. The time slipped by and he felt better. He should go up and see Charlie. See the drawings. Tickle some more. But Joanna was up there. He’d heard her come down a half hour earlier.

  Fuck it. He trudged up the stairs and stood, a stranger in his own house, looking across the open living room to the kitchen. Charlie was sitting in front of the television with some sort of snack on a paper plate, Maddie was cleaning out the dishwasher behind the bar and Joanna was drinking wine and looking at her phone.

  He took a deep breath and marched over to the women, skirting Charlie’s toys littered across the hardwood floor. His conciliatory smile was a surrender flag. “Okay,” he said, nodding first to Joanna and then to Maddie. “I won’t pretend this is not a little awkward, but what the hell? I just got home, and I’m in the mood for a laugh seeing as how the bastards failed to kill me yet again. I’m starving and I need a drink. Anyone else need a drink?”

  Joanna pointedly took a sip of her wine.

  “Joanna, I see you have a drink. That’s good. I’m going to just go out and get some cheese and crackers and more wine—you ladies do like wine, right? Just kidding. We’ll make it a nice night like we used to, back in Skopje. Maddie, do you need anything from the store? Anything to make dinner?”

  “I’ve got leftovers for later if that’s okay. Chicken and rice?”

  Ian had been living on a diet of mostly rice and stringy meat, and it was literally the last thing he fancied. “Awesome, Mads. I’ll be back shortly with some tidbits and wine. Joanna. We’re really in need of a catch-up!”

  After careening out of the driveway as if he had just looted the joint, Ian hit the steering wheel of the car several times. Ninety days in the goddamn sun and then home to this bullshit. It took less than a second for him to decide that he was driving out of the way to Gambino’s for one drink before he went to Walmart.

  It ended up being two glasses of white wine, his reluctant drink of choice ever since he’d sworn off the vodka that had made him a surly insomniac and nearly ruined his marriage. He didn’t look up from the bar except to order and pay, and the pretty girl serving him leaned over on her elbows in front of him. “Having a rough day?”

  “You’ve got no idea.” He left and drove to the store. He rolled through the giant aisles at a fast clip. His detour to Gambino’s meant he had been gone a long time. He grabbed a French baguette. A soft cheese. A hard cheese. Salami. Olives. Grapes. Check out.

  The Nigerian assignment had been a dry one, and after three months of not drinking, he noticed the effect of the wine. He squinted as he negotiated the small-town streets from Walmart to Premium Stock. He picked up two nice bottles of chardonnay for the women and then found himself staring longingly at his favorite vodka, Stoli Elit. After a wistful second he walked away, picked up a bottle of the pinot grigio, which was his inoffensive alternative to vodka, and paid for it along with the chardonnay. He had a pit in his stomach as he drove home.

  He marched into the kitchen with his bags and a yell. “The party has arrived!”

  Maddie stepped out of the downstairs bathroom with her finger to her lips. “Let’s keep it down for twenty minutes. I’ve only just now gotten Charlie to bed.”

  Ian nodded. “I’m going to go up and give him a kiss good-night.”

  “You’ll wake him,” Maddie said.

  Ian considered this and answered, “I haven’t seen him in ages. I’m going to give him a kiss good-night. Without you complaining, preferably.”

  Ian went into Charlie’s room, the room where he and Maddie used to hold hands and watch him in his crib, and sat on the bed. On Charlie’s nightstand was a small plastic cup with water and the home phone from the charging station in the master bedroom. Charlie had never had sippy cups. When Maddie first brought one home, Ian had told her to throw it away—he couldn’t stand the sight of it. Ian knew he was damaged, and many times he’d thought to himself that he should never have had a child.

  But he was so happy that he had.

  Charlie was asleep, making soft noises as he breathed in and out. Ian smiled. Despite his early doubts, Charlie was the best thing that had ever happened to Ian. He pulled a green-and-black paracord bracelet out of his pocket. He slipped it over Charlie’s wrist and pulled it snug. “I made you a new one while I was away, matey. This one’s called a viper.”

  He brushed Charlie’s hair back and kissed his forehead. As it occasionally happened, he was knocked over sideways with affection for the boy
and an even stronger need to protect him. It was a wounded world, to be sure, and Ian no longer cared for it. Back in Iraq he’d had those daydreams about one day living in a cabin in the woods with Maddie. Now he wanted it even more, but for Charlie. The three of them together, safe, off the grid, cozy and warm with a nice big satellite dish for internet and movies. Ideally he’d have an underground bunker in the backyard in the event of a “worst-case scenario.” If the world was to be terrorized by savages and run by brutes, then they would just leave it behind.

  “I love you,” Ian whispered, and for a second Charlie’s eyelids fluttered open, and he saw his dad.

  He held out the new stuffed Minecraft cow that Ian hadn’t seen before and said, “Kiss Moo Moo.” Ian obliged. Charlie smiled and snuggled down into his pillow, asleep again and content.

  “I do love you,” Ian said again. “And I always will.”

  Three, maybe four more years of savings, that was all Ian needed. There was still time to leave the world behind.

  Ian picked up the phone from the table and returned it to the charging station in the bedroom. He didn’t want it ringing and waking Charlie.

  * * *

  Downstairs, Maddie and Joanna seemed to have come around. There was even a bottle of Stoli Elit sitting on the granite bar that separated the kitchen from the rest of the great room. “What’s going on?” he asked, gaily picking it up and turning to Maddie with a smile.

  “I bought that a few weeks ago,” she answered. “I thought that when you got back you might like a real drink.”

  “What about our deal?”

  “One night, a little splurge. No biggie.”

  “Just tonight?” he asked.

  Maddie nodded. “Just tonight.” Joanna laughed out loud at this and then continued scrolling through her phone.

  Ian joined Joanna at the breakfast table with a friendly, if slightly forced, smile. He drummed his fingers on the glass top as Maddie made the drinks.