Nowhere to Go

by Iain Rowan

  ~

  "Mr. Miller?" There were two of them, a man and a woman, so bulked out by stab vests and dangling black equipment that they seemed bigger than ordinary human beings. They had to come through the door one at a time, and Miller had to walk off ahead of them. He led them to the small sitting room, hovered and offered tea. They sat on his creaking couch, said that they were fine, thank you very much. He sat down opposite them.

  They all sat in silence for a moment, and then there was a crackle of voices and static. The policeman reached up a hand, turned down his radio.

  "You called us last night, Mr. Miller." He flipped open a notebook. "About eight forty-five."

  Now, Miller thought, now he could do some good for once, after years spent living a life unnoticed. He took a deep breath. It was very important that he remembered everything. Every last detail. That he told it clearly, without stammering or repeating. He wanted them to think: reliable witness, good citizen, strong character.

  "That's right," he said. "I did. I saw it."

  "You reported that you had witnessed a serious assault. In Burdon Square."

  "That's right."

  "But as I understand it, you weren't actually present in Burdon Square, you were..."

  "Here. Yes. I saw it on the computer, through a public webcam."

  "A webcam."

  "Yes."

  The two police officers stared at Miller for a moment, and he felt uncomfortable. Had he said something wrong?

  "Can I ask why?" It was the first thing the woman officer had said.

  "Sorry, I don't—why?"

  "Why you were watching a webcam of Burdon Square," she said. "It just seems like an unusual way to spend your evening. Burdon Square, of all places."

  Miller looked from her to the other officer. Both stared back at him with faces that said nothing. A man lay seriously hurt, maybe even dead, and they were more concerned with what he got up to on an evening? No wonder people complained about the police these days. He never liked to, they did a difficult job, but if this was how they treated people then he understood some of the comments he had read on newspaper message boards.

  "It just—I just—I don't spend all evening doing it." Now that he was asked to say why he did it, he could not find any words to describe it. "There's lots of them, you can find lists of them, there's nothing illegal about it, I'm not hacking in or anything, they're open to the public. Councils, organisations, they put one up and for whatever reason they decide to make it available. I just sometimes like to...watch." Oh no, he thought to himself, that makes me sound terrible, like a voyeur, watching the women on their way for a night out, like I have a dirty secret. "I've been...not well. I don't get out very much, and sometimes it's nice to know that there's a world going on out there beyond these four walls, people just doing what they do, going to work, coming home, going out for an evening." He smiled at them, trying to reassure. "Just reminds me that I'm not alone."

  They didn't smile back.

  "But you live alone here," the policeman said. It sounded like an accusation.

  "Yes. I do."

  "So no-one else witnessed the assault you reported."

  "No. Well, anyone else watching the camera would have done, or anyone who watched the tapes back, it would be—"

  "You said you'd not been well, Mr. Miller." It was the woman again. Miller wished just one of them would speak, wished she would stop changing the subject just when he had got to grips with where it was going.

  "What? Yes, I did, but I don't see what—"

  "Do you mind if I ask what's wrong, sir?"

  "I—yes, yes I do mind actually, because firstly, I said I was ill, and now you're talking to me as if I still am, and second because it's none of your business, and third because I saw a man getting beaten half to death last night, maybe even killed, and I try and do my duty and report it and you come here and start asking me all kinds of insulting and personal questions. You're not even acting like you want to catch the terrible people who did it."

  "The webcam." The policeman again, as if Miller had never spoken. "You know who it belongs to?"

  Miller looked back to him, then back at the woman, then back again, feeling as if he was having two completely separate conversations at the same time. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

  "The University," he said. "I think."

  "That's right, sir. A learning resource centre, apparently. We've been in to see them this morning, spoke to one of their technicians, the one who set the camera up."

  Miller felt like he was expected to say something, but he did not have any idea what it should be.

  "They had a problem with some petty vandalism a couple of months ago. Nothing major, but that side of the building's not covered by the University's security cameras, there's plans to extend the system but apparently they're waiting for next financial year. So this technician had a bright idea. He was playing with a webcam anyway, just to learn how to do it, so he set it up in the window overlooking the square, linked it to a PC to record the feed. Takes an image every five seconds, saves them to a hard drive. They get overwritten every three days, but that doesn't matter. If some youth had egged the windows, they could see who it is the next morning, give us an image, see if it's anyone we recognise."

  "Good," Miller said.

  "We were very concerned," the policeman said.

  "Good."

  "Very concerned, Mr. Miller, because no assault had been reported," he said. "And after your call a car was sent round to check the square, and they found nothing."

  Miller raised his hand to his mouth. Oh no. The men had come back and taken the body away. That meant that the victim was dead, his body rotting in the river or hidden by scrubby bushes in a lonely field.

  "So we reviewed the recordings. And do you know what, Mr. Miller?"

  Miller looked at him, at her, at him. "What?" His voice came out very softly, the way you talk when you are in a church.

  "We found nothing on there either."

  The silence in the room seemed to well up around him like floodwater. He could not speak, they did not speak, and he thought for a moment that he might drown. No, he thought. Not again.

  "Nothing for the time you reported the assault. Or half an hour either side. So we reviewed the lot." He paused, stared hard at Miller. "There's nothing there, Mr. Miller. Not from six at night until six in the morning. People coming, people going. No assault. No men from the alleyway. No body on the steps. So we'd appreciate some kind of answer from you, sir, as to why you have made us waste time on pursuing this, when it means taking officers away from genuine enquiries."

  Miller opened his mouth and struggled to remember how you made words come. "I saw it," he croaked. "I wouldn't lie, I wouldn't do something like that."

  "Serious matter, Mr. Miller, wasting police time. We will not stand for it. Do you understand me?"

  "Yes,—but I didn't—I wouldn't—I saw, I'm sorry, I..." The walls pressed in close and he felt as if he was in a dream where there was something terrible just behind him, so terrible he did not dare turn round to look at it, even though it was just about to take him. Not again, he thought. It can't be. I would have recognised the signs. Besides it was never like this before, I never saw things...his thoughts spun away, gone, replaced by the terror that not only had his illness come back, but it had come back worse.

  "Mr. Miller," the policewoman said. "We have a record of you, from two years ago. You called us then, made a number of complaints of harassment. That you were being spied on, persecuted, followed."

  "I know," he said, and tears came into his eyes and he was embarrassed because it made him feel like a child, and he did not move to wipe them away because he could not move, and they ran down his cheeks and felt cold. "I was ill. I know I was ill, I'm sorry, I said sorry before, I was ill and I didn't know it and I thought all kinds of things. I had to go to hospital for a while, and I've been signed off work since, but I am better now. I didn't. I wouldn't..."

>   "Are you still receiving treatment, Mr. Miller?"

  "Yes," he said, and it sounded like a confession. "But I only see someone every couple of months now. And my medication's reduced, I was going to—I was going to be stopping it altogether in a couple of months."

  "Would you mind telling us who is in charge of your care?"

  "Dr Singh, at—at Wood Lane." Not the general hospital. The other one. The place he had spent six months in, putting a life back together after it had been broken apart.

  "Thank you, Mr. Miller." She made a note.

  "Right," the policeman said, and he snapped his notebook shut and put it back in his pocket. "We've had a word with a senior officer, and he's happy that we not proceed with any further action at this time, but we will be writing to Dr Singh, so he can discuss this with you, take any appropriate steps. And I have to warn you, if there's any repetition of this, we're not going to be able to tolerate it. Do I make myself clear?"

  "Yes," Miller breathed, but they did not hear him, so he said it again, more loudly.

  "Good. Thank you Mr. Miller." They stood up, rustling, bulky aliens. "I hope we don't have to see you again. My advice to you is to go and see your GP and Dr Singh as a matter of urgency. As I said, we'll be writing to him, but for your own sake, make sure you've got the help you need, sir. We'll see ourselves out."

  Miller let them go, heard his front door shut a hundred miles away, pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, and let the tears come, ragged and furious. It was a long time until it stopped.

  ~

  When he edged out of the door, Miller felt for a moment as if he were standing on the edge of a mountain, nothing but vast, beckoning space opening up before him. All he had to do was to take one step forward and he would drop, fall for ever, and never be found again. But he swallowed hard and stepped out into the street, and the pavement held him and did not let him fall. The walls of his flat had pressed in so close around him that he had to get out before he was crushed. He had to have room to think, to step outside of his life for a moment and see whether it was all falling apart again.

  He walked the streets at random as the last blue of the sky faded into black, trying to remember how he had felt the last time, trying to feel whether now felt the same. He could remember the facts of it all, the paranoia and suspicion about neighbours, friends, the people he worked with, the fear that filled every moment and the cunning things he did to catch them doing whatever it was he thought that they were doing behind his back. He could remember the facts, but not the feeling, not the way that the terror and suspicion stole into every nerve, every cell, not the way that he felt when he walked into a room and was convinced that a conversation about him had just stopped.

  It doesn't feel like the last time, he thought. Not at all. What I saw was so real, all there, on the screen. He thought of hackers, briefly, video feeds hacked into, bored teenagers or prankster art students staging some kind of happening, drama played out to the lens of a security camera. But he wasn't paranoid enough to believe the first, or naive enough to believe the second. I don't think I can watch the cameras any more, he thought. I don't think I can ever do that again.

  He looked up to cross the road, recognised where he had ended up, across the road from a pub he sometimes drank in at lunchtimes when he used to be at work. The road off to the left was a stretch of nightclubs and bars, quiet now but a human circus in a few hours. The road to the right...

  Miller stood for a moment, then turned right. He had to see for himself. He walked down past the takeaways and launderettes, the boarded up travel agents and the shop that sold wigs in styles that nobody wore any more. He walked past where the Mexican restaurant used to be, and then into Burdon Square.

  It was empty. There was no sense of drama, no crackle in the air. He did not know quite what he was expecting, but it did not live up to it. And why would it, he thought. Nothing happened here. He saw the dark slash of the alley between buildings, the dirty stone of the steps up to the boarded up chapel.

  Miller walked across the square, turned when he was halfway across and looked up at the flat, brutal concrete of the University building. The lights were off, and he could not see the camera. He crossed the road, walked up to the steps to the chapel.

  There were leaves blown into the corners, an empty Marlboro packet, a condom hanging like a slug from the top step, dirty stone. No blood. No telltale signs. Nothing.

  Oh God, Miller thought. I am ill again. But at least this time I know it. Maybe that would make a difference.

  He turned, and heard the click of footsteps on the far side of the square. A woman hurried out of the square, unsteady on high heels, tugging down at the hem of her short black dress with one hand, clutching tight at her handbag with the other.

  "She..." Miller thought and then her footsteps were lost by the rattle of a train on the embankment, rectangles of pale yellow light flickering past for a moment, and then one final arc of blue as the overhead power cable sparked.

  Miller took a step back up the steps of the chapel, then another, his legs weak. A taxi drifted along the far side, slowed. Miller stepped forward, raised a hand but the taxi accelerated away again, until it was just red lights, and then it was nothing at all.

  The lights in the furniture shop window changed colour, warm orange to a sickly green that turned the air into thick water, deep under the sea.

  They came from the alley by the side of the chapel, two of them, not particularly hurrying, walking towards him. One wore a light coat, one a dark coat, and both pulled their hoods up as they walked.

  Miller walked down one step, back up another, no time any more, nowhere to go.