When the Lights Go on Again

by Annie Groves

  Charlie exhaled unevenly.

  ‘This chap – the chap who Daffers was involved with before me – is a widower now, and it seems that he…that they – well, I’m pretty sure that all Daffers intended to do was to offer him her condolences, since he’s a close neighbour, and that he’s the one to blame for things getting out of hand. She’s not the sort to deliberately…Well, like I said, I can’t and won’t blame her, but the truth is that things have gone further than they should and poor Daffers…’ Charlie paused for effect, and heaved a deep sigh.

  Her brother really ought to have gone on the stage, Bella thought grimly.

  ‘Charles?’ Vi begged.

  Charlie took another deep breath. ‘I hate to have to say this but the fact is that they were caught out in a compromising situation and now, for her sake, the sooner this chap is able to make a decent woman of Daffers, the better. Of course I could refuse to co-operate, but – well, when you love someone you want them to be happy, and if the only thing I can give her to show her how much I love her is my agreement to being named as the guilty party in our divorce, to protect her, then that is what I will do.’

  There were a dozen probing questions at least that Bella wanted to ask but now wasn’t the time.

  Vi, who had half made to stand up, was now sitting back in her chair, one hand placed over her heart, the other clutching the edge of the table for support.

  Bella knew how much Charlie’s news would upset her mother, and what a blow it would be to her. Pity for her softened Bella’s awareness of how difficult their mother could be. Charlie’s divorce would be very hard for her to bear, and she would see it as another humiliation on top of the humiliation she had already suffered over their father leaving home to live with his assistant.

  Everything that Bella was thinking was confirmed when her mother turned to Charlie and told him, ‘Daphne may have behaved very badly, Charlie, but she is your wife. I shall write to her for you and tell her that, and I shall write to her mother as well…’

  The last thing Charlie wanted was his mother getting in touch with Daphne or her family and discovering the truth. Furious with his mother for making things difficult for him, he longed to be able to escape – from her and from the problems she was causing him. As always when he was confronted with an obstacle to his plans, he blamed everyone apart from himself.

  ‘No! You mustn’t write to Daphne or her parents,’ he began furiously.

  ‘Why not?’ Vi demanded.

  Bella had seen and heard enough. She could tell from Charlie’s expression that things weren’t going the way he had planned and that the situation was going to get very unpleasant unless she did something to avoid that.

  ‘Mummy, you can’t interfere. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be dignified, or worthy of you. Charlie has just told us that he feels honour bound to let Daphne have her divorce and it is only right that you respect his decision, and be proud of his…his generous and honourable treatment of her.’

  Charlie listened to Bella with relief. She certainly knew how to handle their mother.

  ‘That’s right, Ma,’ Charlie agreed. ‘A man’s honour is very important to him. Especially when he’s in uniform and he’s about to go into action. I’m not saying that I wasn’t tempted to plead with Daffers to change her mind, but a man’s got to be a man – and honourable, of course.’

  Charlie was right, Vi acknowledged reluctantly. It was important that he did the right thing, and that he put being honourable above his own feelings. And that would certainly show that stuck-up Mrs Wrighton-Bude, Daphne’s mother, which of their two children knew the right way to behave. How ashamed she must feel having to explain to all her friends – her ‘bridge club set’ – that her daughter had behaved in such a shameful way and her with a husband who loved her, who had saved her brother’s life and who was about to be sent overseas to fight for his country. In her shoes Vi didn’t think she’d have been able to show her face anywhere. She, on the other hand, would be able to tell everyone just how well Charlie had behaved. Poor Charlie, whose heart had been broken.

  ‘Well, I suppose I shall have to feel sorry for Mrs Wrighton-Bude,’ Vi announced, ‘for having been so shown up by her daughter in such a dreadful way. She must feel so ashamed, because of course it will reflect on her and the way she has been brought up.’

  ‘I wanted to come up and tell you rather than send a letter.’ Charlie quickly picked up the ball Bella had set rolling for him, keen to get the most benefit he could from his mother’s sympathy for him. ‘Not that it was easy. All the way up here I kept on thinking that Daphne should be with me…’

  ‘You’re over-egging the bread,’ Bella warned him in a quiet murmur, but Charlie ignored her, going over to Vi’s chair.

  ‘These last few weeks have been pure hell, and to make the whole thing even worse, I’ve practically bankrupted myself driving over to see Daphne and her parents and then sorting out…well, everything that needs to be done, so that I can provide the necessary evidence that will enable Daphne to sue me for adultery.’

  When Vi shuddered, Charlie assured her untruthfully, ‘It’s all right, Ma. It’s all done very neatly; the solicitor arranges it all. I just have to say that I was at such and such an hotel on such and such a night with a Miss A – even though neither of us was anywhere near the place. Our names will appear in the hotel register and that will be enough. Of course, the whole thing is damnably expensive. More so than if I had actually been guilty of adultery. My solicitor was rather shocked that Daphne’s father hadn’t offered to cover all my expenses, but, well, call it foolish pride, but I couldn’t bring myself to go cap in hand to him, to ask him to help me out, even though three hundred pounds is nothing to him.’

  ‘Three hundred pounds?’ Vi gasped.

  ‘Yes. Luckily I’d got a bit put by. I’d been saving for after the war, thinking that me and Daphne would be wanting to buy our own home then.’

  Vi’s emotions overwhelmed her. ‘Oh, my poor boy, I’ll do what I can to help you, but the most I can manage is a hundred.’

  He’d done it. Charlie crowed inwardly in triumph.

  ‘I hate taking money from you, Ma, especially after what Dad’s done. I’ll pay you back, I promise. At least now all I’ve got to worry about is doing my bit for the country, and making sure we get this war won.’

  ‘It’s definite that you’re going into action, then?’ Bella asked.

  ‘Looks like it,’ Charlie confirmed. ‘All leave’s cancelled after this weekend, and we’ve been told we’ve already got orders to ship out. No one’s saying for definite, but it’s got to be Italy, with Sicily already invaded and won, and some of our men already with the American Fifth Army at Salerno.’

  Bella nodded. What Charlie was saying confirmed what everyone seemed to be expecting. She had no idea what part her own Jan would be playing in any invasion of Italy. Jan’s fighter pilot squadron based in the South of England covered the South Coast and the Channel, and as far as Bella was aware, it was the heavy bombers, both American and British, that were being used to make raids on Germany’s defences in Italy and Germany itself.

  If Italy could be captured then the way would be open for the Allies to really drive back the Germans.

  Italy – that willing little bed partner Bella had made all the fuss about had had an Italian look about her, Charlie reflected, well pleased now with the result of his hard work, and typically and conveniently forgetting that it had been Bella who had saved the day for him.

  Life just didn’t seem fair, Vi thought bitterly.

  She had been so proud when Charlie had married ‘up’ to a girl with a double-barrelled surname, and so had Edwin. But then Edwin had been tempted away from her by that dreadful scheming creature who had worked for him and with whom he was now living openly in sin, despite the fact that, technically at least, he and Vi were still man and wife. And now here was Charlie, her son, saying that his wife wanted a divorce. How could life be so cruel and unfair
, especially to her? She had always lived a blameless life, selflessly devoting herself to the good of others, looking around for the right kind of husband; marrying Edwin for practical, sensible reasons, unlike her twin, Jean, who had fallen in love with the first man who had asked her out, and then marrying him without even considering what his future prospects might be.

  Then she’d taken in their younger sister’s illegitimate child, who had caused her nothing but trouble, only to have Fran carry on as though she and Edwin had been cruel to the boy instead of giving him the best of everything.

  She’d even insisted that Edwin buy this house here in Wallasey, for Edwin and her children’s sake rather than her own, so that Bella and Charlie could mix with a better class of people. It was because of the sacrifices she had made that Edwin had done as well as he had, and the family had risen to the position where others looked up to them and envied them.

  Then the country had gone to war and everything had changed, and Vi didn’t like those changes.

  But it was poor Charlie she must think of, not herself. She must make sure too that people knew how badly Charlie had been treated, and how honourably he had behaved in return. Just mentally thinking the word ‘honourably’ made Vi feel better. No one could argue against or criticise a young man who behaved honourably.

  FIVE

  ‘Oh, you’re still awake.’

  The tone of Sasha’s voice made it very clear to Lou that Sasha didn’t welcome the fact that Lou was sitting up in bed in their shared bedroom, instead of being asleep.

  Lou had been giving a great deal of thought to Sasha over the course of the evening, her concern for her twin growing with everything that her mother had said about Sasha – and, more importantly, everything she had not said.

  Lou had learned that ‘Sasha isn’t doing Bobby any favours by trying to force him to turn his back on his comrades in the bomb disposal service by asking for a transfer into other military duties’ – her father’s comment.

  And, ‘I can understand that poor Sasha worries about Bobby doing such a dangerous job, but having a go at your dad because he won’t help her to persuade Bobby to ask for a transfer isn’t the right way to go about things. Your dad’s a man of principle and he respects Bobby for insisting that he intends to stick with his comrades’ – their mother’s statement. And all the things in between that hadn’t been said but which Lou had been able to sense with the maturity that being in uniform and having to work as part of a team with others had brought her.

  ‘I could tell this afternoon that she wasn’t herself,’ Lou had admitted to her mother when they had been in the kitchen together after tea, washing up the tea things, a family ritual that Lou had once done everything she could to escape, but that today she had loved because of the opportunity it gave her to share a special closeness with her mother, as two adult women.

  ‘I thought that it must be because of me and because she thought I’d been talking about her behind her back.’

  Jean had sighed and shaken her head. ‘There’s no reasoning with her these days. I wouldn’t mind so much if I thought that she was happy, but when I can see that she isn’t…’ She’d turned to Lou, her hands still in the washing-up water, red and slightly chapped from all the hard work they did. Looking at them, Lou had felt a surge of fierce love for her mother, and an equally intense wish that she could do something not just to put things right between her and Sasha, but to help her mother as well.

  ‘I’ll try and talk to her, if you like,’ she had offered. ‘I’d planned to tell her anyway how sorry I am that I was so mean to her when she and Bobby first started going out, because I didn’t want things to change and I just wanted it to be me and her, like it had always been.’

  Lou had guessed that their mother had expected Sasha to return home early from her tea out with Bobby because Lou was home, and that she was upset because Sasha had not done so. Because of that Lou had set herself the task of showing her parents, and especially her mother, that she was not upset or offended and that she was happy in their company, telling them about her own life in ATA, or at least giving them a carefully edited version of it so as not to alarm her mother, listening to the news with them, laughing when her father reminded her of the racket she and Sasha used to make with their music and their dancing, and listening with genuine interest whilst Jean brought her up to date on things that were happening within the family.

  But all the time Lou had been trying to think of the best way to break down the barriers between her and Sasha.

  ‘No,’ she answered her twin now with a warm smile, ‘I wanted to wait up for you so that we could have a proper chat. Do you remember how we used to talk so late into the night that Mum threatened to make us sleep in separate rooms?’

  When Sasha didn’t respond but turned away from her instead, and started getting ready for bed, Lou tried again.

  ‘Mum and Dad were both saying how much they like Bobby.’

  Sasha, who had put one foot on their shared bentwood chair whilst she removed her stockings, stiffened but didn’t say anything.

  ‘I’m really sorry that I was such an idiot and behaved so badly when you and Bobby were first seeing one another, Sash,’ Lou apologised generously. ‘I was so immature and selfish, wanting to keep things between us the way they had always been.’

  Sash had returned to removing her stockings. Her twin had lost weight, Lou recognised. Even the dim light of the bedside lamp couldn’t conceal how pinched her face looked. Lou looked towards the window with its heavy blackout covering. If only Sasha would just make some response, but her twin was behaving as though Lou simply wasn’t there.

  Lou wasn’t going to give up, though. Not for one minute.

  ‘I was so jealous of Bobby,’ she continued, laughing at herself, ‘him being with bomb disposal and being a real hero. You must be so proud of him, Sasha.’

  Now at last her twin reacted, turning to face Lou, her eyes blazing with emotion in her pale face.

  ‘Proud of him for risking getting himself killed when he knows what that would do to me? When he could ask for a transfer out?’

  Sasha’s voice held so much anger and so much pain that Lou could feel that pain in her own heart.

  ‘I hate this war. I hate it and I just want it to be over, before it can take Bobby from me,’ Sasha burst out.

  In a flash Lou was pushing back the bedclothes and getting out of bed, her one thought to comfort her twin, as she ran across the space that divided their single beds.

  ‘Oh, Sash, I’m so sorry.’ Lou reached out to put her arms around her twin.

  ‘No you’re not. You’re enjoying this war, like everyone else: Mum and Dad, and Grace and Seb, and…and everyone. Well, I’m not enjoying it. I hate it. I hate everything about it, everything.’

  Sasha had torn herself free from Lou’s embrace before Lou could stop her, snatching up her toilet bag, obviously intending to go to the bathroom.

  Lou watched her go, her heart aching for her twin, knowing instinctively, because they were twins, that what Sasha had really wanted to say was that she hated everyone involved in the war rather than merely everything.

  Poor Sasha. Of course her twin must be worried about Bobby, especially with him having such a very dangerous job. Lou wasn’t in love herself so she felt that she couldn’t truly appreciate how it must feel to know that the person you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with might be taken from you. On the other hand, she did know girls who were engaged and married, and whilst they were naturally anxious for their loved ones their feelings about the war did not match Sasha’s. Feeling very troubled and concerned for her twin, Lou went back to bed.

  Sasha was an awfully long time in the bathroom. Because she was upset or because she was hoping that Lou herself would be asleep by the time she returned, Lou wondered. If that was the case, perhaps right now the best thing she could do for her twin was grant her that privacy, Lou accepted tiredly as she stifled a yawn. It had been a very long
day and hopefully there would be time for them to talk properly to one another tomorrow, when Sasha was feeling calmer.

  When she opened the bedroom door and saw that the room was in darkness, Sasha let out her pent-up breath in shaky relief. There was no point in her trying to explain to her twin how she felt. Lou simply wouldn’t understand.

  Putting her wash bag on the dressing table, Sasha felt in the pocket of her dressing gown for the familiar reassuring security of her small torch. She had bought it and its batteries on the black market, and it and Bobby’s engagement ring were her most precious possessions. Both of them gave her comfort and helped her to feel safe.

  Very carefully she put the torch under her pillow and then quickly removed her dressing gown. If she concentrated and didn’t think about the dark and the ice-cold shudders of fear it sent crawling down her spine, she could be in bed and reaching for her torch before it had the chance to take hold of her. What she must not do once she was in bed was think about how the weight of the bedclothes reminded her of being trapped in the bomb shaft, knowing that if Lou let go of her she would slip completely beneath it, swallowed up by the darkness, and the weight of the bomb and the earth around it pressing down on her smothering her.

  She was in bed now but she was trembling so much she couldn’t get hold of the torch. A cold sweat was filming her forehead, panicky nausea gripping her stomach, her heart pounding and her lungs refusing to expand to take in air. A horrible choking sensation tightened her chest, as the seconds ticked by, her panic only releasing her when she finally held the torch and switched it on. Light. It made her feel so much safer and calmer. With the little torch on she knew she wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night fearing that she was still trapped beneath the bomb and that she was going to die.

  It had all been so different when she had first been rescued. She had been so happy then, so grateful to Lou for staying with her, and even more grateful to Bobby for taking her twin’s place and then her own so that she could be rescued. It had been only after Lou had joined the WAAF that she had started having these awful feelings of panic and fear, flashbacks to how it had felt to be trapped under the bomb. At first she had tried to ignore those feelings, hoping that if she did they would simply go away, but they hadn’t. Instead they’d grown worse, tormenting her at every turn, making her afraid to go to sleep in case she woke up in the darkness thinking she was still trapped. The torch protected her, keeping the darkness at bay, but nothing could protect her from her fears. Fears that were all the worse for her knowing that every day Bobby risked losing his own life because he worked in bomb disposal. The thought of him being trapped as she had been terrified her. She had forbidden him to talk to her about his work because she simply couldn’t bear hearing about the shafts they had to dig to get down to some of the bombs. She had nightmares about those shafts; about being trapped in one of them with the earth burying her, slowly choking her to death.