Yellow- the Struggle

by Lipa Nandes

  My hand began to shake, the room started to spin, and my head was dizzy. I knew he wouldn't believe what I had just said, he knows me well to much. I was aware that, and if I wanted him to stay with me, I'd have to tell him exactly what happened.

  "From Tuesday morning till yesterday." I sighed defeated.

  The words crawled out of my mouth to curb the ultimate shock, but the damage has been done, and I couldn't do anything to take that back.

  "Why? For god sake Neva, you just came back home..." He sights with no hope in his eyes; “Did you eat? Sleep? Anything at least?" I didn't reply "Neva, we're talking about three days in a row, and you know you have to eat, you need to rest. You can't keep going on like this; it has to stop now." He wanted so badly to yell at me to vent all his anger and disappointment; I could sense it.

  But I'm so shocked to know and see that he stills worries about me.

  Despite all of the shit I did to him in the past; I can't even

  believe he is here, with me.

  chapter two

  "I'm sorry, I’m so sorry! I tried, I swear I tried..."

  The tears started to overtake me again, and my breathing

  became uncontrolled. I just wanted to disappear from good not to drag anyone else to all this confusion.

  "You tried? How many times? Have you taken a good look at that?" His eyes were full of anger.

  That wall was haunting me, everything that was there only made me suffer, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop. I needed him to stay with me; I needed to have him by my side because alone, I know I can’t deal with any of this shit again.

  "He just came back again," I say with deep despair in my voice.

  My mouth was dry, and my breathing has this weird pace.

  "I thought that you—” He didn't finish that sentence, but I know exactly what he is going to say.

  He thought that I'm cured or I came back to my real me. But he was wrong, and I don't think he knows if I'm capable of being the same person he met before all this.

  "How many do you think are hanging there? Two hundred? Three hundred? Just say something, fuck!" His face turned red; he was furious with me, his eyes were full of sorrow and

  sadness.

  I was the one who got him in that state. I sighed. It was all my fault.

  "Please forgive me, stay with me tonight, please. I promise, I promise I'll stop, I have to be able to stop, I need your help! Please."

  My words came out confused in my mouth, my brain couldn’t think, the tears wouldn’t stop, and the desperation to see him out of the door would increase.

  I looked at him, but the expression on his face was indecipherable, and I no longer knew what I had to say to him.

  "You have to stop this, seriously you have Neva, I adore you, you are my best friend, but this is not right. You cannot go back into this again; it's not good for you." He told me full of worry in his voice.

  I didn't even want to believe he was telling me those words

  because I didn’t deserve them; I didn’t even deserve him to be here right now with me.

  "I feel so tired. I swear I tried to stop, I wanted to control

  myself, but he appeared. And then I felt more and more lost because I didn't know what to do, and the paper sheets were right in front of me." I said through sobs, my tears didn’t give way to my eyes, and at that moment, I felt completely out of me, it was as if the weight of the world had me fallen at once.

  "This is so hard for me; I'm sorry to have called you and dragged you back into this mess, you don’t deserve it! Sorry for being a bad friend." I conclude with all the sincerity that was still within me.

  The pain in my chest was huge, my despair was even more prominent, my head began to ache, and the room began to whirl again.

  I sat on the foot of my bed, resting my head in my hands. I didn’t know where to go, or what I could do to stop my obsessive writing effectively, but coming home now might not have been the best decision for me or for my family.

  Marcus approached me lowering himself until his eyes met mine; he wiped my tears with his thumbs, looked straight into my eyes; "Hey, I'll always be here for you, but you have to stop, you have to get out of the house, you have to talk to me, your brothers and maybe Kyle again."

  Just hearing his name makes my heart clench. Hearing his name still hurts me, but I screwed up with Kyle, I know.

  "But please, you have to try, and you will see that with time

  everything will be much easier." He concludes.

  Is he telling the truth?

  It will be more easier?

  After a year, I was practically alone and isolated; I got used to myself every single time, I used to keep everything to myself because only then was I sure that nothing more could hurt me. That's the only way I had to control everything around me.

  After a year like this, how can I go back to being what I used to be? How can trust in someone again?

  Does no one see my suffering? Or how difficult is all this for me?

  "I can’t lose you again; I don’t know if I would take it if it

  happened," I told him through tears and sobs, I feel so lost at this moment that even I do not know if what I said makes any sense.

  He got up and with it took my wrists pulling me into the grip of his hug; "You will not lose me if you don’t lose yourself. You have people who like you, and you cannot give up, please. The college without you doesn’t make much sense; I miss you." His voice was so calm, his words soft as velvet, and my tears were finally starting to stop.

  We must have been in that hug for a few minutes, but I didn’t want to let him go, because I didn’t want him to leave me alone, I didn’t want to be alone tonight because I don’t trust myself to be alone at my mercy.

  "Stay with me, please. I know I've asked you this, but I need you, please."

  I knew I was being selfish in asking him this, but, I can not solve this on my own, I can’t run alone, Marcus is my crutch, he's my support, he's my haven. He is my calm.

  "Okay," he finally replied; "But only today, you have to stop. This is not good for you, not good for your parents or your brothers. Look at me," he said to me in a calmer voice this time and putting my hands on my shoulders. I didn’t dare look at him directly; I was super embarrassed by it all.

  "Let's go to bed. I'll stay with you, but please try to rest,"

  I gave him a half-smile and sighed with relief to know that he was staying, I had to find a solution to stop it. At least I have to try, being who I was before everything that happened to me.

  "Let me just go change my pajamas, this one is all sweaty," I said as I let go of his hug and headed for the walking closet, which at this point I hate with all my strength because now, it's full of more… feminine clothes.

  When we lay in bed, I put my head on Marcus's chest, I felt safe there, and I knew that since he had been with me, nothing wrong could happen to me.

  "Yellow!?" He called me.

  I don’t remember the last time someone treated me by that name; it was so weird to hear it again.

  "Yes," I answered him in a muffled voice.

  "You know the big news?"I lifted my head to look at him.

  "No, what's happened?"

  "Do you know who ended up moving to Mrs. Gladys's?"

  What? Did she sell the house? Why am I always the last person to know these things?

  "No, who?"

  "Kyle." He told me promptly and without blinking.

  "What? My—" Shut up, Neva!

  "Kyle? Are you sure?" He can only be fucking kidding me this time.

  I know his parents always want to buy a house near the beach, but why Mrs. Gladys fucking house?

  Why for god sake!

  "Because, well, I don't know but, your brothers didn't tell you?

  "My brothers?" I half-smile. "Nope, they didn't tell me shit in this fucking house."

  I hate to be here, and I hate my whole family.

  "And you know something else?"
He tells me to smooth the ambiance. "Tomorrow night, he will be throwing a party at his house, your brothers are in, I'm in too, and I thought you could go there for a little you know, to distract yourself from..." He points again to that freaking wall.

  Fuck!

  Of course, my brothers were going to that party, those three are like three peas in a pod, without me, of course. After the big news and knowing about that party, my mind began to wander, and I started thinking that maybe I could go to the party, I had stayed home since I got back two months ago,

  perhaps I could use that opportunity to meet new people or, at least, go out for a few hours to distract myself from everything, just like Marcus said. I think it would be good for me.

  I don't want to ask him to go with me because probably he has someone to go with, but still my stupid mouth!...

  "Can you..."

  "Sure, I'll go with you to the party," he responded to me even before finishing the sentence.

  That's why I like him; sometimes, it’s seems like he's inside my head reading my thoughts.

  I couldn't feel happier for having him as my best and only friend.

  chapter three

  I woke up in the morning, and I didn't want to leave my room for anything in this world.

  My parents were going to see Marcus, and I almost certainly knew what they were going to say as soon as they saw him; "Neva, again?!" or "When will this stop?" among other shit they usually say in these situations. Like they do in the past.

  But I just wanted to put it behind me, to leave the past in the past and enjoy the present, but this black cloud that is always following me is constantly there to remind me...

  "Are you awake already?" Marcus asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  I wonder if he is still upset with me.

  "Yup," I murmured.

  "Did you sleep well?" He raised his head to look at me, to

  confront me, to rub salt in the wound again.

  "I think so." I lied to him once again.

  I couldn't sleep much. I spent most of the rest of the night looking at him. The way I just hurt him in the past, and yet, he seems to have some hope for me. I regret the things I do and say to him because I was a shitty friend to him, and yet, he still cares about me.

  "Mmm, I'm going to pretend to believe you… But now if you'll excuse me, I have to go home, and you have to try to rest a little, okay?" He got up from the bed, and I dragged myself to get up and go downstairs with him.

  I led him to the main door, said goodbye to him and closed the door as fast as possible for my parents not to see him.

  When I turned to go back to my room, I came face to face with my mother, who was in the foyer.

  My body freezes right there, and I feared the worst, that she would scream at me again, or send me back to rehab, but this time she surprised me.

  She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight hug, kissed me on the cheek; "I'm here if you need me," she said.

  That was the last thing I expected from my mother. It was so strange.

  I tried to smile, I tried to cry on her shoulder as well and open up to her, but my mind just began filling with anger, and I closed myself off again.

  "What the fuck do you know, I don't need you, and I don't need anyone," I yell at her.

  Marcus was the only exception. He didn't abandon me in that rehab or mental institution, or whatever it is.

  Marcus writes to me once in a week to tell me everything that was going on with him. Despite all the bad things I do to him, he just kept me writing a letter to me, and I was so happy when I read them. But like the words, I feel so hurt when I read

  because, I wasn't there with him, I no longer exist for anyone, I was just — something!

  What week had been like at school, all the parties he had gone to, all the rumors about me.

  I'll admit, it was hard for me to read everything people said about me when they didn’t even know what had happened. They used to say that I was a drug addict, I was a spoiled girl who has done this kind of things, drinking too much and do drugs, to have some attention from people that I put myself in these situations on purpose!

  But they are all wrong. They don't know the real truth.

  They speculated about what it might have been, they put labels on me, drug addict, psychotic, depress girl.

  But then, with my prolonged absence, they start to forget about me. It was as if I had never existed, as if everyone in school never knew me.

  On the one hand, I was relieved to know that people had continued with their lives, but I never thought my family and Kyle would do the same.

  "Neva, please…" Tears streamed down to her face, but I didn't care.

  I went upstairs to my room. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt anger at myself, at the person I had become.

  I have now so much anger and hate inside of me that I don't know how to control it, how to get rid of it, I feel lost.

  I needed to distract myself for a few hours, I needed to think about what I would like to do before everything that happened, it might help me stay away from this mess I have inside of me.

  I walked into my walk-in closet and rummaged through my clothes and my skirts, dresses, and sweaters; I found my black yoga pants and my black tank top, and that's when I remembered that I wore these clothes to wash my car.

  That's it!

  I'm going to wash my car today.

  I got dressed, pinned my hair with a ponytail, picked up my cell phone and my earbuds, and went to the front yard to wash it.

  I think I got a little excited about picking it up again, it's been more than two months since I got back home, and I haven't drive yet.

  I went down the stairs, and before I went outside, I went to the kitchen, where my parents and my brothers were eating a late breakfast, I took a liquid yogurt from the fridge and announced.

  "I'm going to wash my car." Immediately after I said it, I felt everyone looking at me even with the fridge open door block myself to them. I peer a little, and the looks revealed some confusion, perhaps fear, and then everyone became a little calm and didn't make any comment.

  I left the house, and for the first time in a long time I felt the sun on me, the warm summer breeze, and for a while, I felt free, I felt that nothing had changed, but everything had changed, I didn't want to know.

  I wanted to feel normal again, and I know I need it.

  I put my earbuds in, picked up my phone, and pressed ‘PLAY.' My ears instantly flooded with the sweet chords of a good rock song — I missed rock music.

  I opened the garage door where I used to park my car, and when the gate began to open, I noticed that my car is covered with an old blanket.

  I stood still as if I had frozen. I swallowed hard, the nerves came back to me, my feet didn't obey my mind, and I began to feel my eyes swell up with tears.

  Calm down Neva, be calm. Everything will be okay; I thought to myself.

  I shook my head, and I got into the garage and started uncovering the car.

  "I'm back," I whispered to him as I ran my hand over the hood. For a moment, I remembered all the good things I did with him.

  All the trips to the beach, every night I would pick up Marcus at his house and go to the movies or dinner or do something else. It wasn't my cars fault, it wasn't he who caused it all, so I could never get upset with him.

  Oh my god, I'd forgotten how stupid I sound sometimes to think that my car has feelings.

  This thought made me laugh, and my mood suddenly changed. The anger I had felt dissipated a little.

  I put the old blanket on the floor and went to the key box.

  I sat in the driver's seat and could not help but hug my car. I put the key in the ignition and turned.

  The sound of the engine startled me, but I missed his sound. I could feel the vibration running through my body as my baby came to life.

  I drove him out and started to clean.

  Minutes after I began washing it, I saw through the
corner of my eyes the main gate opening.

  I stopped what I was doing, took the earbuds out of my ears, and waited to see who was coming in.

  A black GMC rolled into the driveway; I had no idea who it might be.

  The car engine shut off; It took a few minutes to get out of the car, probably regretted coming here, I guess.

  But then the driver's door opened, and I saw who had arrived. It was him, Kyle, and as usual, he was dressed in those ridiculous clothes that only he wears. A light blue Tommy polo with dark blue khaki pants and sail shoes.

  Once again, he doesn’t match with the car he has.

  Oh my God, I wasn’t even prepared to see him this early, I thought I was only going to see him at the party!

  That short, light brown hair spiked up, his white skin, his thick lips, and those brown eyes met mine.

  Fuck!

  What the hell is he doing here? Why do my brothers still insist on bringing their friends back home…?

  My mind sometimes goes wild, and I'm terrified of her!

  "Clark," He said to me before I could put my earbuds again.

  I rested my earbuds around my neck.

  See Kyle there! I don't know. I couldn't help but feeling

  nervous.

  “You're…" He looked at me with those big eyes wide open.

  "Here?" I answer him with a faded smile.

  He looked at me a little confused and shocked. I don't know what else he was thinking.

  "I didn't know you're back." He said to me with some fear in his voice. But then, with my silence, he continues. "What are you doing?"

  What an idiot!

  "Oh! This?" I replied, rolling my eyes and look back to my car. Then I look to him shake my head down to the floor. "Therapy? I think..."

  I'm not so sure what to say to him at this moment.

  "You still ride that?" He arched his eyebrows.

  "Yes, why?" I ask him with some rage in my voice.

  "I imagined you in a Mini Cooper, or at least a more recent model." Was he mocking me?

  "Excuse me? My car is a classic, okay. Don't offend him!" I yelled.

  I don't know what it triggered in me, but my anger started to rise through my body, and I was starting to feel furious. This is not good. Not good at all.