by Lipa Nandes
I hate this! I hate Kyle Adams!
"Hey, Neva, relax, I was just messing with you." He laughs as if nothing happened between us; "Why are you washing your car like that?"
I looked at him with my eyebrow raised, he was trying to push me to my limit, and I didn't know how much longer I could
handle it.
First, he comes to my house and then queries me on how I clean my car! I clenched my fist, and I could feel the fury in my eyes. But still, I closed them, took a deep breath, and tried to respond more calmly.
"Firstly, it's a '72 BMW. Secondly, I know how to wash my car, and thirdly, get the fuck out of here." That was me responding calmly.
I felt all the muscles in my face tighten, and I was about to
explode.
"You have some serious problems; really. I was messing with you. Don't take everything so seriously!"
And it was then that I realized that everything I wanted to leave in the past was haunting me and taking me back to a place that I want to escape.
"Sorry!" I told him with a little annoyance.
I crossed my arms because I was not only upset with myself, but as it seems, the madness inside my head was about to start a war for something insignificant, and I knew that things would go very badly from there.
"Apology accepted, besides, I missed seeing you." He said with a smirk.
"Hey… Uhm. there's going to be a party at my house tonight, and I was wondering, since you are back, if you wanted to come for a bit?" He smiled at me.
His smile was contagious, very contagious, and I had already thought about going to the party even before he invited me. But what the hell did he mean by saying he missed me? Could he miss me if he'd never tried to contact me before? Or see me?
"What? Miss seeing me? Why?" Why did I even ask that shit? What is wrong with me?
"Because since you left…" He sighed. "I don't know, it was as if you had never existed at school, despite all the rumors that said about you. Everything was great before you left, and before, we were…" He shrunk his shoulders. "you know, we were dating."
Oh my god, he remembers. Why?
I know we used to date before I buried myself into a fucking deep, deep hole.
We were fucking perfect together; he makes me laugh, he used to take me to the beach and try to teach me how to surf, and then, after the surf lesson, he always takes me to eat ice cream in Santa Monica Pier because he knew that when I was younger, I used to go there to eat ice cream with my grandfather.
I'm so fucked up right now.
But what do I do?
I know we used to date, but I've left that in the past, and I hope he does the same.
I'm not good at handling situations like this. We ended our relationship badly because — never mind!
But I know I have to give my life a second chance, that it's going to be okay.
"The past stays in the past Kyle, and I just want this to be a new beginning." I sighed.
"Oh, okay, then. Sounds good to me, I think," He said with a little sadness in the eyes.
"See you at the party?"
"I think so," I gave him a fake smile, but I think it was enough to show him that I was ready to move on.
"Great, I'll see you soon then." He waved at me and then went to my house to meet up with my brothers.
chapter four
After washing my car, I checked the time on my phone; it was late.
Why did nobody come to call me to go for lunch or something?
I'm not a monster, am I?
I walked into the house with my dirty clothes, and my brothers were already leaving; I assume they were going with Kyle to buy some things for his party.
"Hey, Tom," I called him. I don't know what it is about my family, but I always feel very nervous about talking to them. I knew I should spend more time with them, but I didn't know if they even wanted to have me around.
"Yes?" He looked tense.
"Um… Kyle." I started to fiddle my fingers as if I wanted to ask for approval from him to be able to go to the party despite being invited.
"Kyle invited me to the party so…" He looked at me, and his eyes became softer. It was as if he had been relieved that I had talked to him so calmly, I suppose.
"Yes, we know. I'm glad you're going, but, please, if you need anything, talk to me," He said with concern in his voice.
Wow!
He was worried about me, and I could see that.
Maybe it was time for me to start working on my relationship with my brothers, perhaps I need someone after all.
"Thank you, but Marcus is coming with me," I told him, with a faint smile on my lips.
"Of course. He goes where you go. Another thing before I go." He paused; "How did your conversation with Kyle go?"
Oh shit, what did he tell them? Is he still here? I don't even remember if I saw his car outside.
"Okay, I guess" I lied to him.
"Great! I'll see you later," With a small smile, Tom and Owen walked out the door. And apparently, Kyle had been out of my house for a while now, and I didn't even notice it, but I think it's a good thing, isn't it?
I went to the kitchen to see if there was any leftover food from lunch. In the fridge there was a message for me ‘You have a plate of food in the fridge. – Mom and Dad."
Well, at least I can get something to eat before the party. I put my food in the microwave to warm, and I grabbed my phone to send a message to Marcus.
What time are you getting here? I pressed send and waited for a response — even a little text message like that is excruciating for me to write.
Hello to you too. 7:30? Well, he ended up answering a lot faster than I was expecting.
I checked the time before I answered, and I still had an hour and a half to get ready for the party.
Sounds good to me, see you then. I reply.
When I finished eating, I went directly to my room to pick out my outfit, or at least try to find out what to wear, but when I entered, I saw a white flowery dress on my bed, I don't wear dresses, and a fucking yellow knit jacket.
Who the fuck was in my room? I hate when people go to my bedroom without my permission.
Calm down Neva, just calm down; It was probably my mother who came to my room, I thought.
I closed my eyes, tried to control my breathing, and count to ten.
When I felt my breath slowing down and when I opened my eyes.
Oh fuck, my mother must have seen the wall of my room.
Will this nightmare ever end?
There are too many things happening at the same time. And I don't know how to manage everything that goes on in my head. Sometimes I just want to kill myself.
I went to my walk-in closet to try and find some pants and a plain shirt, but guess my fucking luck! There isn't one pair of pants for me here!
Urgh!
I guess I will wear that ridiculous fucking little dress!
After the problem of what to wear was resolved, against my will, I must say that I went to take a shower.
I tried to take all of the stress and the nerves out of me.
I wanted to relax a little and realized that everything was going to be just fine, that I would have fun, and afterward, I could feel a bit more relieved.
I left the bath calmly than I could imagine; I was going to leave. I wrapped my towel around me and dried up my hair. I put on the dress my mother had chosen for me.
I usually don't wear this kind of clothes really, but all my black clothes have disappeared, I put on my Vans and texted Marcus.
How much longer till you get here? I look at the mirror, and I look pathetic in this thing!
I hate my mother!
I was beginning to feel impatient, it's twenty minutes after seven, and he's not here yet, he should have arrived by now!
I'm downstairs; your mother just opened the door for me.
Great, now I had to control myself even more than ever when I got downstairs.
I grabb
ed my purse because I need a place to put away my cell phone and my keys, and then I went downstairs.
Marcus was standing by the door, but there was no sign of my mother or father. Well, that's a relief.
He looked at me with some confusion in his eyes;
"You look—" His eyes are wide open.
"Don't say a fucking word, please," I'm warning him…
"This party is going to be so much fun," he says with a big smile on his lips!
"Sure! I just wanted to have your enthusiasm." I replied.
"We can leave whenever you want Neva, but please try to have fun."
I couldn't say anything, I gave him a brief nod, and off to Kyle's house.
When we got to his house, I saw that Kyle, Tom, and Owen were at the front door greeting everyone that arrived.
I think half of the people were from Chadwick, and the rest were from Columbia college.
When people looked at me, it seemed as though they saw a ghost. I was a little bothered by it, but for now, I decided I would ignore it.
Kyle looked up at me with a big smile and completely surprised, then he walked toward me.
"Good to see you, Neva." He looked at me, from my head to toe.
I know I look ridiculous in this dress, but please, don't make me feel worse — I thought to myself.
"Yeah, I guess so," What did he want me to say?
"Are you not happy to see me?"
What the fuck, Kyle? "I guess I'm glad…" I replied with a weak smile. But I think I shouldn't have said that because I saw how his eyes sparkled a little.
This situation could not be more awkward!
"See you soon, okay?" He said and turned on back towards the door.
"Mhm," I murmured.
I went into the house where the music was deafening. The house was full of people, and I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. I needed a place where I could breathe, or I needed to find Marcus, who disappeared as soon as we got here.
I was looking for him around the house, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me, it was so strange to be back.
Then, I started thinking about what everyone had said about me when I left school.
Drug addict, depressed girl! All of that was being thrown at my face.
I began to feel nervous, tense, and disoriented. My breathing began to get out of control, and I felt the urge to get out of the house, to get some fresh air — or I could go to the kitchen and pour a drink for me! The devil inside me suggest.
No, no! I can't drink, not now.
But still, my feet and my inner devil lead me into the kitchen were in the balcony were a few bottles of whiskey, vodka, beer, and red cups!
I look at them, and my body instantly began to shake, my head was spinning, and I panicked!
I have to run away from here; I can't drink, I can't drink!
I pushed past a bunch of people as I made my way out of the house through the back door.
When I got outside, I felt the fresh air entering my nostrils. I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of the ocean, and my heart began to slow down.
I managed to control what I was feeling at that moment; it was not easy to do it, but I promised myself to try as best as I could.
I took a few more steps forward and found the perfect place to sit and enjoy one of the few things I couldn't see from my house; the beautiful sunset.
Yellows, oranges cover the sky, and a few purples tons too, it was so lovely to see mother nature paint the sky like that.
It's so peaceful.
I sat down on the grass, and all of the noise from the party seemed to disappear behind me, it was as if at that moment, it was just me and the sunset.
"There you are, I was looking for you inside," I looked back and saw Kyle a few inches from me.
He sat next to me without saying a word.
The silence was lovely, but a bit strange because things between Kyle and I didn't end on the best terms.
I remember his graduation day when I show up completely high and drunk. I say a lot of meaningful thing to him like; "I hate you"; "You will never be happy"; "You are a selfish prick!"
I ruin his day, but I was so out of me when I did that, and he was so embarrassed with my poor behavior.
Was he still upset with me because of that?
"What are you doing out here?" His eyes met mine.
I'd forgotten how handsome he is, with those brown eyes, his thick lips, that thin hair that only he has.
Suddenly I was invaded by those old good feelings that I had for him. It was as if he had some magical power to make me feel this way again.
"There was a lot of noise in there." I sighed. "Besides, have you seen this fantastic sunset? I can't see one like this from my house." I change the subject because A) I started feeling nervous with him there and B) I was freak out if I stay inside much longer.
"It makes a great photo, don't you think?" He asks me with his beautiful smile.
That smile, I missed that smile so much.
I raised my arms, and with my hands, I made a triangle framing the sun right in the center.
Kyle moved to sit right behind me, his legs were around me, and I could feel his chest against my back.
"Stay still," he told me so softly that my breath runs a little wild. Then he took his cell phone out of his pocket, put his arms around my chest, and pointed the camera at the center of my hands.
"There you go, now you've got your sunset to look at any time," He told me whispering into my ear.
His face was inches from mine, and as I looked at him, our lips almost touched.
I was unable to say anything at that moment or even think about something else.
"I missed you, Neva," he said, whispering against my lips. He put one of his hands on my face and rested it on my cheek.
I close my eyes for a second, but once again!
The confusion inside my head got the best of me — “He left you alone, he abandoned you in that place, he didn't even call you, he doesn't care about you," my mind threw all of it to me, right in my fucking face.
I can't do this; I can't stay near him. I'm going to hurt him.
"What the fuck are you doing? Get away from me. Are you crazy?" I said as I stood up immediately and backed away from him.
Kyle stood up as well and moved toward me, his hands cupping my face looking directly into my eyes.
"Can we try again? Please?" His voice was charged with despair as if our time together had not come and gone.
I wasn't sure what to answer because it was confusing for me to come back here and see my family, see Marcus again, and now this with Kyle.
It didn't seem like a good idea. Besides, I'm not good enough for him. I am a total mess.
"Get away from me, Kyle, please," I begged. I felt the rage eating me alive, and I knew things were going to go very badly if I let it get the best of me.
Kyle grabbed me by the wrist, but I pulled back.
What the hell is going on in that head? He's completely crazy.
"Please Neva, just listen…"
I had to cut it off; "No, Kyle, no… I'm not going to…" Fuck I can't even follow my line of reasoning anymore. "I'm leaving. I should have never come here in the first place."
I hit my arm against him, turned my back, and left as fast as I could.
I push back everyone in my way out and still not knowing what the hell Marcus been doing since we got here!
But I need to step back from here fast!
chapter five
Now that I had left that house, I started walking down the street to go back to my room.
I should have never left my house, and I should never have thought that everything could go back to normal. I was no longer the same person, and I no longer felt the joy of living; in fact, I am completely dead inside.
Urgh!
It's all so confusing now.
I don't know how to function anymore. I sighed with my thinking.
I felt like nothing th
at nothing mattered to me, it was as if I didn't want to live, but at the same time, I wanted everything to be back to normal.
Everything is so fucked up!
As I went down the street, I got more nervous about going home.
It was an empty feeling; so empty, so hollow and so sad.
I spent too much time away from here and I forgot how it was like to get home. I forgot how I liked going to parties, having fun, flirting with Kyle.
I am now just a body full of anger.
But how can I control these feelings? The more I think, the more I feel lost.
Already close to home, I saw a car parked on the other side of the street that I recognized very well — a black '69 Charger. My stomach twitched, I got chills in my skin, and my blood became ice cold.
I stood there for a few minutes trying to figure out if this was real or just part of a nightmare.
I let out a heavy sigh; all of my steps calculated; my head started to spin.
How many demons do I have to kill tonight?
I knew that sooner or later I had to face them but couldn't they take a number and be spaced out?
Fuck! I screamed inside of me.
I crossed the road and headed for the car (which I shouldn't have done.)
As I approached the vehicle, the driver's door opened, and I saw one of my biggest nightmares right in front of me.
Oh my fucking god! You've got to be kidding me.
I'm done with this shit.
My lips tightened, my body was nervous, and my hands began to shake.
The uncertainty of what could happen was driving me
insane.
"Neva!" His voice makes me shiver. I couldn't stop looking at him, at those dark eyes, like the night, a few inches away from me, his dark hair, his smells, his light brown skin like mine, his voice.
All of him was right there in front of me, and I went into a total panic!
I don't know why I felt so nervous in his presence; it's like he had some control over me.
"Patrick," I answered. I didn't even have anything to tell him. I didn't even know why he was here or how he discovered I had come back, nobody knew.
"What the hell are you wearing?" He pointed his finger at my dress and looked at me from head to toe; then he was silent, then he laughed at me because he only sees me with my black clothes. I was starting to lose my temper, and I wasn't about to put up with more shit tonight.