by Lipa Nandes
"What do you want man? How did you know I was back?" My eyes were wide, and I really want to shout with him, but my words just froze up, and I was in a total panic. Again!
"Firstly, I came here to see you; the guys have been asking about you. Secondly, it's not my fault that your freaking friends post everything on Facebook," he said, showing a picture of me at Kyle's party. "You already go to parties, huh? What did they do to you? " He moved toward me.
I wanted to run away, but my feet felt like two anchors, and I stood completely still.
When I start to go out with Patrick in the past, and with the rest of the boys, we used to make our parties, utterly different from Kyle's parties.
We used to hear loud rock music, drink a lot, and smoke a lot of pot.
Then, Patrick and I will go somewhere else and fuck. This is what we used to do; that is what we used to be together. Two fucked up people.
The fear began to increase throughout my body, and at that moment, anything was possible, but in the wrong way.
He stood within inches from me, touched me with his hand on my face, and tucked my hair behind my ear, then he leaned toward me and whispered.
"I know exactly what you need." He grabbed my wrist, and I didn't resist.
I knew I had to go with him.
Patrick opened the passenger door, and I got in, the moment the door closed beside me, I knew I was in trouble again, but I couldn't go back.
What did you do, you stupid girl? I asked myself.
When he started the engine, I was startled by the loud music he was listening to; a few seconds later, I instantly recognized that voice, that song, that band.
"Are you still listen this?" I asked him.
Karma catches me out of guard; in this very moment, my head spins around the "Sober" music from Tool.
"Looks like they didn't erase everything from you." He gave a half-smile.
"Not everything, I guess!"
What are you doing, Neva, stop talking!
"That's good." He answered me, placing his hand on my bare knee and then, his hand, came up under my dress.
My breathing began to accelerate, not because of his touch, but because I was afraid of him; not of him the person who he is, but I'm so scared of the two of us together because I didn't want to be more broken than I already was.
"Stop, please." I sighed.
I closed my eyes and waited for him to stop, I needed him to stop, if not, I think I might jump out of the car so that I wouldn't have to deal with him.
You're the one who got in the car!
How dumb I was for doing so.
"Relax, babe, I'm messing with you; I missed you." He told me with a smile.
What the fuck was going on? It seems like today was missing Neva day.
"Hey! The guys will freak out when they see you with me."
What did he say? The guys? Oh, jeez, no! I'm not ready for this shit, not tonight.
"What? The guys?" My heart was racing again, my mouth became dry, and my eyes went full of panic.
I'm such an idiot!
The rest of the trip has made without another word, not entirely because of the music.
I was beginning to feel anxious; it was as if my past wanted to pick me up again.
Why can't I have a peaceful life? What the hell I thought when I agree to come with him? I'm such an asshole!
Patrick parked the car in front of a house I didn't recognize, was it his parent's house?
The house was white and had two floors, a small garden at the front, and a porch. There were no plants or flowers, but maybe it was because his parents didn't like them.
I'm now with my devil in person, and I thought of why there are no plants in the fucking garden!
I longed for that house to belong to his parents because that way, I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone else tonight.
We got out of the car, and Patrick came to my side.
"So, what do you think of this house?"
Although I only saw it from the outside, it seemed to me to be a reasonable house, but why is he asking me these things?
"Looks cool to me, why?" My voice was shaky, and I was so afraid of his answer!
"Well, the rest of the guys and I live here now."
I looked at him with my eyes widely open; if I was already in a heap of nerves, now, I just wanted to get out of here or die.
My stomach turned from inside out, my heart was beating faster, and every step I took toward the house is like I had just signed my death sentence.
"Why?" Shut the fuck up Neva, please.
"Because our old spot no longer exists."
He took the key from his pocket, opened the door, and grabbed me by the wrist and take me inside; I was so scared!
"Get behind me," He demands.
I hide behind his back, always following him wherever he went. I try to look around, but it was too dark inside.
Then, I began to hear those voices I recognized, all my past came to the top, all the memories, all the shit I did with them.
I didn't like being that person anymore, I wanted to change, but somehow the universe didn't seem to agree with me.
Then I heard Patrick's announcement in the background.
"Look who I found out there," he took a step to the left, leaving me exposed.
My eyes didn't want to believe what I was seeing; I didn't want to think about what I had done, and I stopped seeing my future at that very moment.
"Clark!" exclaimed Miles. He was by far the best boy in the whole group, and I remembered I used to get along with him, it was effortless for me to talk to him.
He got up from the couch and pulled his brown hair to the back of his head, stepping towards me and gave me a hug lifting me off the floor.
God, his t-shirt smells like a weed; the whole room smelled like weed. Even with the window open, the smell of marijuana is very intense.
He put me down and smiled at me, his blue eyes met mine, and I reciprocated with a weaker smile.
I shouldn't be here.
After Miles walked away from me, Isaac and Ryan waved at me, but they didn't talk. They must have been in a very high state that they couldn't even get up from the couch anymore.
But then, my eyes look at the coffee table, and I saw a few things that are probably better for me to stay away; cocaine, some pink pills, weed, and an empty bottle of Jack.
"Do you want a drink?" Patrick asked me.
"No, I'm fine." I can't drink, I can't let myself turn back to this madness. I have to be strong!
"AHH jeez Neva, live a little, I insist," Ryan said to me. His words crawled to his mouth, and I barely understand what he said!
"No, I really can't..." And I couldn't, I wanted to stay sober! I need to stay sober!
Be strong, be strong. I repeat over and over again, inside my head.
"You what?" Pat interrupted. "We have to celebrate your return. You have no idea how much we missed you." He said, looking directly into my eyes.
Did they really miss me? Did they think of me all that time?
But still, I didn't want to drink; my system has no longer accustomed to it. I was clean in every way, except one that terrifies me the most.
But unfortunately for me, Miles didn't miss the opportunity. He got up, and when he came back to my side, he had in his hand a bottle of Jack Daniels, my favorite man.
"Here, we kept this for you." He says, passing the bottle to me. I knew I couldn't trust my judgment as soon as I drank, I knew that tomorrow I would regret all my shitty choices, and I knew I was a trapped mouse again if I drank now!
But still, my body ignored my mind, and it seemed to be yelling for some Jack.
I can't do it! I can't do it! But…
My hands opened the bottle, and my nostrils immediately felt the scent and warmth of the whiskey, my mouth began to
salivate, and I let myself get carried away by all of it, losing my first battle.
So I close my eyes and sipped. I sipp
ed so hard that the moment I stopped my head began to whirl.
The boys started applauding my return, or the fact that I had drunk it, I don't know, but I see how Patrick looked at me, proud of my stupid attitude.
I felt the warmth go through my throat and down to my stomach.
Minutes later, I felt my body relax a little.
I looked around and I could only think of how I liked to feel this way.
How good and easy it is for me to forget everything. It is in this madness where I found the peace I needed.
I sipped a little more to silence the voice inside my head.
"Weed?" Isaac asks.
"Oh yeah! Make a big one; today is a day to celebrate the return of our little princess." Patrick answer.
He was taking things too far, but it was I who got in the car in the first place.
chapter six
I was sitting on the couch next to Miles, while Patrick sat on the sofa right in front of me.
I was steeped in my thoughts, how my mother would be if she found out I was with Patrick.
How stupid I am to be here! I should go home, turn my back to Patrick, and walk away from him...
I'm super fucked!
"You're very quiet," Miles told me, pulling me out off of my thoughts. I shrugged, I didn't know what to say.
It was a strange feeling because before, I knew what to say, what to talk about. But now, after being sober, I didn't know what it would be like to be with them.
The joint was being passed among all of us until it reached my hands. I took it, though hesitant.
Should I do this?
I drank today, probably shouldn't smoke. But I know if I don't do it, and pass the joint to Miles, Patrick will make me do something worse.
The thing is; at this point, I have two options. Smoke weed or snorting some coke. And between the weed and coke, I choose the weed.
I don't really like cocaine, although I was completely surrendered to her before the rehab thing, but, cocaine is too hardcore for me.
I lost my first battle to Jack, and now, I will lose the second one to weed.
I brought the joint to my mouth and pulled— I must confess; I really enjoyed the taste of the weed in my mouth. How my body relaxes, even more. And when I smoke; my mind cleared up all the shit I have.
My problems evaporate like a puff of smoke. My pupils began to dilate, and I felt a little pressure in my lungs because after all, I hadn't smoked for a year and two months. It wouldn't be easy to get rid of that sensation again.
"What weed is this?" I asked, passing the joint to Miles next to me and, letting out a puff of smoke.
"That's my girl," Patrick smiled at me proud of my stupid question; "It's Purple Haze: nineteen percent THC, do you like it?"
Oh gosh, what I missed during the time I was away...
I loved how purple always made me feel.
Patrick got up from the couch, grabbed the joint form Miles hands, and sat down beside me.
He pulled me closer; "Open your mouth," He instructed me.
I opened my mouth slowly, and as he brought his mouth close to mine. Our lips almost touched; I could feel them as if they were glued to mine.
Then he let out the smoke out of the joint into my mouth, and I caught it in my throat and then, let it out slowly to the air.
At that moment, my state of euphoria was increasing, and we both knew very well what was going to happen next.
But did I want to?
I don't think I'm in a position to think about it now; I think I'm more than willing to do it.
Patrick whispers against my ear, and I could feel some strange pleaser in his voice; "Bedroom?" I nodded at him and saw Patrick's face smile with a little astonishment.
Then, he got up from the couch, kissed me on the forehead, and turned back; "Guys, we'll be right back."
He pulled me by my wrist and put his arm around my neck as we went upstairs.
I felt more nervous as we went up to the stairs, I tried to rationalize what I was going to do but my state of euphoria at that moment was too much high, and I wasn't thinking clearly. We went to the door at the end of the hallway, and when he opened the door, I began to feel more and more excited.
The thrills of all that was boiling into my veins.
I step inside to the room where the walls were covered with flags and posters of rock bands: AC-DC, Metallica, Tool, Nirvana and Guns n Roses.
They are all there, all the bands we used to listen in our private parties.
There were some clothes on the floor, and the bed was undone. As the door closed behind me, Patrick approached and started to touch me with his fingertips around my neck, and then he went down to my arms.
His touch made me feel crazy and anxious, my breathing started to become uncontrolled, and a wave of desire and excitement invaded my lower parts. He knew very well how to make my body respond to him, and I knew how I liked to do things.
He started to kiss my neck, and I felt his heavy breath against me along with the smell of whiskey in his mouth. His hands grabbed my tits, and that was when I lost control of myself.
I turned to him and kissed him intensely, fortunately for me; he kissed me back. I took off his t-shirt and started loosening his pants, and then I looked around.
"Do you have a chair in here?!" I asked him breathlessly. I wanted him inside me, I needed it tonight, but I needed it my way. I needed to feel that I had full control.
I like to fuck, not making love.
In a significant step, he took the desk chair and brought it to me.
"Sit down," I ordered.
He pulled the pants and boxers down to the ankles and sat.
I undressed slowly, and his eyes never stopped looking at me. The temperature of my body kept rising, and I was getting more and more excited. I threw the dress and my underwear down to the floor and went towards him. But first, I need to drive him crazy.
I kneel in front of him, and I saw how his cock is ready for me. I wrap my mouth in him and start to move slowly up and down. I could hear his moanings, his breath coming out slowly to his mouth, and I begin to feel very excited and wet down there.
My thong is rotating inside my mouth, and I started to move a bit faster. When I do that, Pat put his hands on my head to control the intensity of my moves, but unfortunately for him, I don't let that happened!
I love when he can't control himself and want to stop but, I don't function that way!
When I feel that he is almost ready to come for me, I stop, I get up and then sat on top of him without doing anything more.
"Just ride me Neva, the way that only you know how." He whispered against my lips with such despair in his voice.
"Oh gosh, Pat, you just don't know how much I like when you beg like that," I said with some evil in my voice.
He kissed me with such a force and desire, I kissed him back, and when I want to put him inside me, he broke the kiss.
"Wait! Do you have any condoms?"
Is he serious? Oh my god.
"We don't need that shit, trust me," I told him, kissing him again and entwining my fingers through his hair.
I put him inside of me very slowly. I wanted to feel every inch of his erection entering me.
My breathing was getting more and more breathless, and my desire for a good fuck increased.
"Oh shit," I said with a moan move down slowly!
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Oh, god." I groaned again as I moved up, "I feel like a fucking virgin again." I said between my teeth. A little more time in rehab and I transform myself into a fucking nun.
I started to move my hips faster this time, and I began to moan against his lips.
Then I let fall back my head with my eyes shut, I want to feel every inch of him inside of me. Then he started kissing my nipples, running his tongue right on top of them, he knew me so well...
I put my hands on his shoulders, squeezing them tightly, and at that moment, I felt myself in heaven.
"Come for me," I said breathlessly.
"No, you know the rules."
He stopped my hips from moving, and his hands went to my face, he gave me a light kiss on the lips; "I want you to come with me." He said against my lips.
I glanced at him, my breathing began to calm, and I felt that strange connection between us.
Patrick grabbed me by the back of my neck and kissed me; how could I resist him?
I just couldn't!
I began to move my hips quickly, and his hands are now in my hips, I grabbed him by the hair leading him to reach the climax along with me.
The feeling was so good, and it was like a drug to which I was utterly addicted; Just like the first time, when I taste him.
I started thinking about everything I did in the past with Patrick, and the sex with him is the best there is.
That was my fatal combination—drugs, sex, and alcohol.
My body relaxed more and more now, and I couldn't feel my legs.
Before getting up, Pat looked at me and in a breathless whisper told me; "I really did miss you, I mean it."
I was a bit confused because we had never had anything serious, we were more like friends with benefits, and I love it, but from there to evolved into something more than that.
It never really occurred to us, especially me because I don't know, I think I'm too complicated for relationships like that. Not to mention, I still have some stuff to deal with Kyle.
I didn't tell him anything because I didn't want to feed something that wasn't going to have a future, so I gave him a brief kiss on the lips got dressed and went to the bathroom.
My face was bright red, my pupils were still dilated, and the high of purple was still striking me.
I couldn't help but look at myself in the small bathroom mirror, and said quietly to myself; "You can be better than this!" But my words came out as false as my confidence.
I needed to go home; I needed to sleep and forget about tonight.
That's it!
When I got out of the bathroom, I looked at Patrick's semi-open door room, I peered in, and there was no sign of him. I turned around and went downstairs to find him.