Barely Breathing

by Brenda Rothert

  Every dress and skirt I’d tried on had been wrong. They reeked of trying too hard. I’d finally settled on dark jeans that fit just right and a silky black top that cut all the way down to the tiny freckle between my breasts. I wore a new lacy black bra and panties that made me feel super sexy. And ballet flats, since I was at home.

  My hair was wavy and loose past my shoulders. I’d gone a little darker with my eye makeup. Getting dressed for the night had kept my mind occupied this afternoon when I’d been trying not to worry about Grayson.

  The swirl of excitement in my belly wasn’t just from dressing sexy. I was dressed sexy for him. There was no one else in the world who mattered right now. I could put aside everything else and just escape into Kane tonight.

  A knock sounded at my door and I dashed off a quick text to Cara as I went to answer it.

  Me: He’s here!!! OMG I may finally get some!

  I hadn’t slept with a man since before moving to New York, and every time I looked at Kane I grew more acutely aware of the drought.

  When I opened the door, his gaze moved down my body, his eyes darkening with raw approval.

  “Very nice, Viv,” he said in a low tone as he stepped inside and closed the door.

  “Thank you.”

  He wore his usual dark jeans, black t-shirt and leather jacket. The savory scents of steak and spices emanated from the paper bag he carried.

  “Hungry?” he asked, his eyes fixed on me as he set the bag on a console table.

  “Just for you,” I admitted.

  The corners of his lips quirked up in a satisfied smile. “For me, huh? What would you like from me?”

  “Everything.” The word spilled from my mouth before I even thought about it.

  Kane’s dark eyes swirled with something I couldn’t place. He almost looked conflicted. But we were past all that. It had to be something else.

  He put a hand on my hip, the warmth of it encircling me in a possessive way that made me shiver slightly. Eyes still locked with mine, he slipped his other hand into the low v of my shirt, his fingertips sliding past the edge of my bra. My lips parted and a small breath escaped me as he cupped my breast and ran his thumb over my nipple until it was hard.

  I looked down at the thick erection straining the denim of his jeans. When I wrapped my fingers around it, his strangled groan made me bold.

  “This is what I want,” I whispered.

  His gaze grew predatory as he put his hands on my upper arms and moved them into the air. He pressed me back against the wall, pinning my wrists above my head with one of his large hands.

  He dipped his face against my neck, his lips grazing over my jaw line. I let my head fall back against the wall as his free hand roamed beneath the bottom of my shirt, his touch on my bare skin making me break out in goosebumps.

  He pressed his mouth to mine in a hard, demanding kiss. I tried to wrap my legs around him but he was so tall that he had to put a hand under my ass and hike me up on the wall.

  “Oh . . .” I cried as his erection pressed against me. “Kane . . . you feel so good.”

  He squeezed my ass and let me slide back down the wall. Keeping my wrists in the air with his hand, he pulled my shirt up and off over my head, letting it fall to the floor. When he dropped to his knees and pressed his lips to my bare midriff, I moaned and ran my hands over the short dark hair growing out on his head.

  I grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled it up and off. The wide planes of muscle and huge tattoo of an eagle on his back made me feel hot and needy for him. I ran my hands over his hard, bare shoulders and back as he kissed around my belly button.

  “I want you so fuckin’ bad, Viv,” my murmured against my skin. “You don’t even know.”

  The brush of his beard across my sensitive skin made me gasp and sink my nails into his shoulders. The growling sound he made as he ripped the button of my jeans apart was primal. He slid his hands down my hips, taking my jeans down to the floor.

  I was shaking with desire as I stepped out of the jeans, still clutching his shoulders. He pressed his mouth to my wet panties and I cried out again. Then he ran his tongue up and down the seam of my opening through the fabric.

  “Oh God,” I cried. “Fuck me now, Kane. Please.”

  He slid his hands up my thighs, his fingertips gliding beneath the sides of my panties. When he looked up at me and our eyes locked, I saw reverence.

  His hands stilled and he held my gaze. I waited several seconds, my body wound tight with eager arousal.

  “Fuck,” he muttered, sliding his hands out from beneath my panties. “I can’t.”

  He reached for his t-shirt on the floor and I let my emotions take control.

  “No,” I said, ripping the shirt from his hands. “You’re not walking out on me again. Not now. No, Kane.”

  He sighed heavily and pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes. “You don’t know, Viv. This isn’t right. Give me my fuckin’ shirt.”

  “Not right? You lick me through my panties and then decide it’s not right?”

  “Yeah, that’s what I decided,” he said, lowering his hands and glaring at me. His tone was filled with bitter anger. “It’s not right for me to fuck you, Viv. Not because I don’t want to.”

  “Oh, don’t play that,” I said angrily. “Fuck that. What’s really going on?”

  He leaned closer, his face just inches from mine. “I. Just. Can’t. You don’t know me.”

  “I know enough,” I said, forcing myself to hold his steely gaze.

  “You don’t.”

  I threw my arms up in frustration. “Do you have . . . performance issues? Because it’s okay if you do.”

  He shrank back, his expression horrified. “Performance issues?” He gestured at the giant tent shape jutting out from his jeans. “Does this look like an issue to you?”

  “I don’t know. I thought maybe you couldn’t . . . finish or something. We can work through it.”

  His lips parted in shock. A second later he closed them and put his clenched fist up to his mouth, a vein in his forehead bulging ominously.

  “Let’s get one thing straight,” he said. “My dick gets hard, stays hard and fucks well.”

  “Then let’s have it,” I challenged.

  He shook his head and reached out. “Give me my motherfucking shirt, Viv.”

  “No.”

  “Fine.” He narrowed his eyes at me and picked up the leather jacket he’d put on the console table. “I’ll fuckin’ freeze, then.”

  I jogged to the door, my breasts bouncing shamelessly in my bra. Kane scowled at me as I pressed myself against it.

  “You are not walking out on me again.”

  “Don’t do this. I’m not right for you. Just trust me, okay?”

  Something inside me sank hopelessly. I wouldn’t be the only one fighting for this. I stepped aside and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Okay. But this is the last time. Walk out now and we will never talk again.”

  He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

  “Viv . . . I just need time.”

  “Time for what?” A horrifying thought took hold. “Are you in another relationship?”

  “No. Fuck no.”

  My eyes filled with tears. Damn him for reeling me in and throwing me back like this.

  “Don’t,” he said softly.

  “Just go. You’ve humiliated me enough.”

  “You don’t know—”

  “Then tell me!” I clenched my hands into fists at my sides. “Fucking tell me or don’t, but stop playing these games.”

  “You want to know the real me?” he challenged bitterly. “The guy who did six years in prison? You want to fuck that guy?”

  I swallowed hard, the silence between us heavy. “Is that it? That’s why you think—”

  “For armed robbery. I pulled a gun on a gas station clerk, Viv. I would’ve done anything for a fix. Anything. You have no idea what it’s like to wonder for all these years whe
ther you would’ve pulled the trigger if the guy hadn’t handed over the money. I think I might’ve.”

  My heart thumped wildly. He’d mentioned drug use in his past, but hearing he might have been willing to kill over it took me aback.

  “You’re not that guy anymore, though,” I said. “You own a business now. We all make mistakes, Kane.”

  He laughed bitterly. “That’s not even the worst of it, Viv.”

  “Then tell me. I want to know.”

  “Why?”

  “I want to know you.”

  He shook his head, his eyes distant now. “You won’t want to anymore. You want it all, Viv? You want everything?”

  His cold mocking of my earlier words made me shudder. I held his gaze and waited.

  “Fine,” he said. “I have a daughter.”

  I felt my eyes widen with surprise. That, I hadn’t expected.

  “A daughter I’ve never met,” he continued. “She’s nine. Lives an hour away and I’ve never even laid eyes on her. I found out I’d gotten a woman pregnant when she came to visit me in jail. It was too late to do better by then. I wasn’t there when my daughter was born. I never held her. I didn’t so much as buy her a single fucking diaper. How much more worthless can a man be?”

  The hard hatred in his eyes was for himself, then. My heart ached for him. I took a deep breath and spoke softly. “What about now? How long have you been out of prison?”

  “Four years. I paid all the back child support I should’ve paid Cori when I was in prison. I didn’t have the money then and had no way to get it. Now I send child support and presents for my daughter’s birthday and Christmas. I don’t have a right to more. Cori raised her alone. She doesn’t owe me shit. Probably hates my guts.”

  The American Girl bag in his closet at work. My heart broke as I realized who it had been for.

  “Cori is . . . ?”

  “The woman I got pregnant. We’d fucked a few times, that was it. Nothing serious. But I owed her a hell of a lot more than she got.”

  “What’s your daughter’s name?”

  His face crumbled with emotion. “Brooklyn.”

  I took another deep breath in and out. It was cold, so I wrapped my arms around myself to ward off the chill. “Okay. What else?”

  Kane scowled at me. “What else?”

  “Yeah. You went to prison for armed robbery, used to do drugs . . . have a daughter. What else?”

  “Are you fucking with me? Like that’s not enough?”

  I rubbed my hands up and down my upper arms to warm myself. “Is there anything else?”

  He gave me a confounded look. “No.”

  “How long has it been since you used drugs?”

  “Ten years. Last time was the day before I got arrested.”

  I nodded. “So you’re clean, you don’t plan to hold up any more gas stations and you support your daughter?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I can live with all that.”

  He drew his brows together and studied me. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that if you thought knowing those things would scare me off, it doesn’t.”

  “Are you out of your fuckin’ mind?”

  “Everyone makes mistakes.”

  “Mistakes? Abandoning the mother of your child and your child is more than a mistake.”

  “Abandonment is willful. You were incarcerated.”

  He pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. “Is this because you deal with deadbeat parents in your job every day? Are you just numb to it?”

  “A deadbeat parent is one who doesn’t support their child. And you do.”

  “I’ve never met her.” He gave me an incredulous how am I still inside your apartment right now look.

  “You should do something about that.” I reached for the fuzzy blanket hanging on the back of my couch and wrapped it around my shoulders.

  Kane’s eyes held mine as I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing the blanket around both of us.

  “I’m glad you told me,” I said softly.

  He let out a ragged breath. “I just never thought . . . you’d still want me. You’re such a good person, Viv.” He wrapped his hands around my waist and I smiled.

  “You are, too. You guard your goodness like a secret. But I see it.”

  He pulled me in close, his eyes brimming with emotion. My breasts pressed against his warm, hard chest just below his heart, where I saw a letter ‘B’ tattooed.

  “For Brooklyn?” I whispered, tracing it with a fingertip.

  He nodded and I stretched up on my toes to kiss him.

  His kiss was hot and hard. Insistent. Demanding. The fire inside me roared back to life. We were hands and mouths and a tangle of desperate need. The blanket fell to the floor, forgotten. He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled it back, exposing my neck to his hungry mouth. After just a few seconds of trying to unclasp my bra, he muttered a curse and pulled the back straps apart until they gave way with a snap.

  I was breathing hard as he took in my bare breasts, flicking his tongue over one nipple before taking it in his mouth and sucking on it.

  A moan tore free from my mouth as the soft hair of his beard and his warm, wet mouth turned my nipples hard and deliciously sensitive. When he tugged one between his teeth, I sank my nails into his shoulders and cried out for more.

  I tore open the snap of his jeans and fumbled with the zipper, wrapping a hand around his throbbing erection as I pushed his jeans down with my other one.

  “Ah, fuck . . .” He groaned and let out a hard breath against my neck as I stroked him.

  He shook his jeans free from his legs, cupped my bottom with his hands and picked me up. My apartment was small, and he walked us into my bedroom with no direction and set me on the bed, climbing over me. After another long, hard kiss that made me feel the opening notes of an orgasm trembling between my legs, he pulled back and sat on his knees between my legs, looking at me.

  “Spread those legs for me, beautiful,” he said in a low tone. He wrapped a hand around his straight, hard shaft and stroked it.

  I watched him, mesmerized. The ink of his tattoos bespoke the path he’d walked to get to me. A skull and crossbones on his hip. His daughter’s initial on one side of his chest and the words ‘Sine metu’ on the other. I’d learned Latin in college and I knew it meant ‘without fear’.

  And that was how I felt as I drew my legs apart, my eyes never leaving his. In this moment, I was fearless. I wasn’t worried about heartbreak or conscious of my brazen position before Kane.

  I was sexy in his eyes. His raw, primal expression as he stroked himself drove me into a frenzy for him. I needed him and he needed me. Nothing else mattered.

  My hand made its way between my thighs but Kane pulled it away before I could touch myself. I groaned and writhed as I reached for a drawer on my nightstand and withdrew a condom.

  When I handed it to him, he ripped it open and put it on, using his knees to push my thighs even further apart.

  “It’s been a long time for me,” I said softly. “Be gentle.”

  He leaned over me, taking my nipples into his mouth one at a time.

  “I don’t know how to be gentle, Viv. Especially not now.”

  With a single thrust of his hips, he was completely inside me. I gasped loudly and grabbed his shoulders. He filled me so deep I wasn’t sure I could take it, but as soon as he drew back, I wanted more.

  And he gave me more. He never let up, fucking me hard and deep, his fingers laced through mine pressing my hands to the mattress.

  I could only move my hips and legs, and I did, rocking against him and wrapping my legs around his waist. Our groans, skin on skin and the creak of straining bedsprings were the only sounds in the room.

  “Kane,” I cried, panting hard. “Oh, God.”

  I was so close. He moved so perfectly inside me, playing my body like a skilled musician would an instrument. When he kissed me softly, I came apa
rt at the seams, crying out shamelessly as my hands pushed against his, unmoving.

  He groaned deeply, still pumping into me hard and fast. “Fuck. I’m coming, baby.”

  And with one final, shattering thrust, he did, his groan going on and on as he held himself buried in me. His hold on my hands relaxed and I wrapped my arms around him.

  We stayed that way, our sweat mingling as our breathing settled. I’d never felt this kind of satisfaction. It was physical and emotional. A complete release of ourselves into each other.

  It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

  Kane

  I WOKE TO THE SMELL of fresh coffee and the dull sound of Viv’s blow dryer running in her bathroom. A glance at the bedside clock told me it was almost seven.

  How had I slept through her getting out of bed? I was normally a light sleeper. But we’d been up really late last night. Thoughts of Viv moaning beneath me in this very bed just hours ago stiffened my morning wood.

  She walked into the bedroom with just a towel wrapped around her. Damn, she had a hot body. I was hungry to get my hands and mouth back on every curve of it.

  “Good morning,” she said, grinning happily.

  “Mornin’.” I pulled the covers aside. “Come back to bed.”

  She walked over to her closet and went inside, talking to me through the open door. “I wish I could, but I have to be in court at eight-thirty and I have to stop by the office before. You can stay and sleep, though.”

  “I’m gonna go home.” I left the warm bed to go find my clothes. “When can I see you again?” I called from the living room as I put my jeans on.

  “When do you want to see me again?” The smile in her voice made me feel so damn good.

  “Tonight. Can you have dinner with me at the club?”

  “Sure, sounds good.”

  I went into the bathroom and swished some toothpaste around in my mouth so I’d be fit to kiss her goodbye. When I did, I saw a new softness in her eyes.

  Things had changed between us. It was all out in the open now, and she still wanted me. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Her acceptance of my past had shifted something inside me. The sex had been mind-blowing. Like nothing I’d ever experienced.