Complex Kisses (Here & Now Book 1)

by Kim Bailey

  “Mom, what should I do?” Hunter asks.

  “Jamie, give me the phone!” Dad barks, authoritatively. He looks ferocious, like a man set to tear into someone with his bare hands. It reminds me of his drunken moments from our past. Will he yell at me again? Berate me for being worthless? Those old feelings are not dead and buried, the way I’d hoped. I’m filled with an indescribable dread. It feels like I’ve let him down again.

  “It’s okay bud, no need to worry,” I try soothing Hunter, as a tear slips down my face. Is it my son I’m reassuring, or myself?

  “James!” Dad yells, again.

  “Hunter, do me a favor, bud. Will you say hello to your grandfather for me? He’d really like to talk to you. And I’ll work on figuring out what to do. Okay?”

  Hunter agrees and, against my better judgment, I hand the phone to my father with a trembling hand.

  When Frank Hartley speaks to his grandson for the very first time, something changes. Another shift in the universe, or a shift in my perspective. Either way, it’s monumental. He speaks to Hunter with such control and care. The asshole I’ve come to terms with lifts his veil, revealing the father I use to know. Before me sits the good guy, my rescuer, the daddy that I love. It gives me chills to see the transformation and it makes me wonder how he’s been hiding right in front of me, all this time.

  “Hello, Hunter?” He asks calmly. “Yes, this is your grandfather. Tell me what’s happened.” He pauses, listening.

  “Okay. No need to worry. This is what we’re going to do. I need you to stay calm. Go sit at the kitchen table or someplace where they can see you. Let your friend’s mom search through whatever her heart desires. She can pack it all back up for you too. I don’t want you to move until you see your dad’s badge at the door. You’re going to be fine. We’ll set things straight.”

  My dad continues giving Hunter calm reassurances. Dylan, with his own phone in hand, asks me for the address where Hunter is staying. Once he has it typed into his phone, he leaves, presumably to go get Hunter.

  “Yes, your dad will bring you here,” my dad promises. “Your mom will be real happy to see you.”

  The circumstances are shit but all I can think is that my boy is coming home. It’s a bittersweet relief. My boy is coming home. Home.

  Shit. After ten years away, I might actually want to call this place home again.

  My dad continues talking softly with Hunter, the way I imagine a grandfather should, like they’re true family, instead of complete strangers.

  Listening closely, I can hear his fading health. It’s present in every word that’s spoken as a sigh or whisper. It shows itself in the way he pauses, just a little longer than normal, to form his next thought. It’s exposed by the edge that’s noticeably absent from his tone, a weakness forming there instead. Or maybe, it’s not the sickness that’s causing the crack of his voice. Maybe what I hear is actually the result of all the emotion I can see playing over his ravaged features.

  The last thing he says to my son, before hanging up and falling asleep, has my breathing stalled in my chest. “You’ll be fine as long as you stay put. Your dad will come find you. We’ll bring you home.”

  I contemplate this strange turn of events, wondering how it’s possible to feel like a little girl all over again, with my dad coming to save the day.

  * * *

  Watching Caleb suffer has been agonizing. He’s drifted in and out of sleep most of the day but despite his lethargy he’s been unable to get any true rest. Celeste and I sat helplessly as his temperature climbed to a frightening high. But the nurses were vigilant, ensuring he got the right medications, at the right doses. His fever spiked and then broke a few hours ago. I’m still on alert but, now that he’s resting for real, I’ve slipped back into my own mind a little.

  Being alone with my thoughts hasn’t been a good thing. Not until Jamie. Now my thoughts are all filled with visions of her, most of them involving some form of nudity. She’s constantly on my mind. Even when I’m right next to her, I’m thinking about her. Thinking about what I want to do to her. Or, how I might want to keep her.

  “Where did Jamie go?” Caleb asks in a groggy, pained voice. My little brother is clearly still uncomfortable, most likely woken up by the pain he’s feeling.

  Hearing the struggle in his voice reminds me of where my focus should be. Reminds me that there’s still a battle to be fought here. My thoughts should be here with him, not caught up in daydreams about a beautiful woman. Why do I have to remind myself of that?

  Why am I asking myself questions I already know the answer to?

  Jamie’s important to me.

  How quickly that happened, should scare me. I’ve known her for next to no time at all. But I’m as far away from scared as I can imagine. The only fear I have is that she’ll run away from me, before I can figure out what I want beyond this moment. What comes next? Do I dare think ahead?

  “To her dad, she’ll be back later,” I answer Caleb, quietly.

  “Was I dreaming, or did you kiss her? If it was a dream, it was a really vivid one. I swear, it was like you kissed her, right here in my room - in front of me, like I wasn’t even here,” he says, as sarcastically as he can manage.

  “So I guess you weren’t quite as fast asleep as we thought.”

  “Yeah, well I was drifting in and out. It was quite the show, gotta say … you were really into it … thanks for unknowingly rubbing your victory in my face.”

  “I’d say sorry but you’re such a little perv, I think you somehow enjoyed the show. Still, I didn’t mean to go all PDA on you.”

  “It’s okay. I can live vicariously through you. Tell me what it’s like.” He waggles his eyebrows at me. He probably expects I’ll give in, just to make him feel better.

  “You want to know what it’s like to kiss Jamie?”

  “Yes. Absolutely, yes. Tell me it’s as fabulous as I dream it would be.”

  “No dude, not going to happen. I have no problem talking about girls you like and sex in general, but I’m not sharing my sex life with you. That’s just too invasive.”

  “You had sex with her?” Caleb gasps, shocked at my inadvertent admission.

  “Jesus Christ. I didn’t mean to imply … yes … but that’s really personal, dude. I don’t want to talk about it and I’m really positive that she doesn’t want me discussing it with you, either.”

  “Are you in love with her?”

  “Caleb, this isn’t a fairytale. Love is something that happens over time, with someone you know, inside and out. People don’t fall in love after spending a few days together. Besides, things are messed up and she’s an emotional wreck. So am I. Our feelings are all over the place. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m feeling.”

  With hard eyes and an even harder tone Caleb interjects, “Don’t you dare fuck this up.”

  I’m shocked. It’s not just that my baby brother used a bad word for the first time in my presence – it’s his hard-ass conviction.

  “If you break her heart I will be seriously pissed off with you. Like seriously, seriously pissed,” he continues his warning.

  “Dude, relax. No one’s breaking any hearts. She and I are in a good space. No commitments are being made on either side. Like I said, things are a bit intense right now.”

  “That’s just an excuse and you know it. It’s obvious you’re in love with her. You’re just too scared to admit it.”

  Shit am I obvious?

  No. I can’t be obvious with feelings that I don’t have.

  Except, I do obviously have strong feelings for her. Strong, unconditional, unwavering, un-fucking-relenting emotions that’ve been gnawing away at my insides. They’ve been there from the moment I first held her in my arms. They cause my stomach to churn, my heart to race, my mind to dream, and make me want to vomit every time I think about her leaving here, leaving me. Feelings that make me believe, now that I’ve found her, she’ll make me whole. Emotions that are turning me into a godda
mn cliché of mushy sentiment, ready to make over-the-top declarations.

  Fuck me.

  Caleb might be right. I think I’m falling in love with her.

  “I’m not scared to admit my feelings,” I lie pathetically. “But jumping in prematurely could end in a lot of hurt for both of us. Love isn’t something to be taken lightly. I care about her. A lot. But beyond that … I’m just not sure. I won’t profess love until I know. Right now? Hell, right now I don’t know much.”

  “Haven’t you learned anything from me, big brother?” He frowns. “There’s no time to be wasted. Why do you think I took the chance to talk to her in the first place?”

  “Because you’re an unrelenting flirt who can’t pass up the opportunity to torment a beautiful woman.”

  “Okay yes, there’s that,” he agrees, vigorously. “But, Eric … it’s so much more than that. When I see a woman like Jamie, I see a chance to make a good memory. I never know which one might be my last.”

  “Don’t talk like that,” I demand, “You’re going to have plenty of those kinds of chances. You can’t give up.”

  “I’ll never give up. That’s the point, though. I hope to have years and years of chances. But just in case, I want to make as many good memories while I can. We’re here for a reason. I really believe that. Our time is too precious to waste. You should remember that.”

  “I love you, Caleb. You’re too smart for your own good, and you make me look like an ass. But I really love you.”

  “Dude, you’re supposed to say that to Jamie, not me. But I love you back. And you can thank me for introducing you to her later. Like, maybe in your wedding speech.” Caleb grins from ear-to-ear. It’s a real smile, genuine and practically pain free. I wish Jamie was here to witness it, I’m certain it’s just momentary, but once again his smile is due to her.

  “Now you’re really jumping ahead of things. A lot. Like I said, it’s not a fairytale.”

  “What’s not a fairytale?” I hear Celeste ask as she walks back into the room.

  “Nothing,” I answer.

  At the same time Caleb says, “Eric and Jamie.”

  Why does he not know when to just shut up? I love him, but he’s a meddling little brat.

  “What about Eric and Jamie?” Celeste asks, flippantly.

  “Eric’s in love with her.”

  “Yeah? I thought we already knew this. Why is this big news?”

  I guess I’m obvious to everyone but myself. I wonder if I’m this obvious to Jamie as well.

  “Will you both give it a rest, please? I don’t need the two of you trying to convince me that you’re more aware of my own feelings than I am. This topic is getting closed down now - while I still have some of my dignity.”

  There’s a small knock at the door, and I turn to see Jamie standing quietly in the doorway.

  My stomach sinks, wondering how much of that conversation she just heard.

  “Sorry to intrude,” she says softly, her voice wavering and tears in her eyes.

  Something’s wrong and all my concerns about what she may or may not have overheard are forgotten. The only thing I care about is making sure she’s alright.

  “Hey, Jamie,” Caleb calls, as I stand and walk toward her. “We were just talking about you.”

  I flash him a dirty look, but quickly turn back to Jamie, the concern for her overruling even my annoyance with the troublemaker I call brother.

  “Hey Caleb. Hi Celeste,” she calls back, “I need to borrow Eric for a bit, if that’s okay.”

  Not waiting for their response, I usher her out to the hallway, away from my siblings prying eyes and ears, and big fucking mouths.

  “Hey, what’s going on?”

  “I need you to come meet my father.”

  Holding back the initial shock, I have to weigh my feelings on this request. It feels significant. Jamie wouldn’t ask this lightly. Hell, she turned me off of meeting him when I offered – told me he didn’t like people. Something’s happened. Something big. Whatever it is, it makes me really un-fucking-easy.

  “You want me to meet your dad?”

  “I know this is probably out of line for me to ask. He wants to meet you. It’s a long story but basically, Dylan was here. He left to get Hunter but he said some stuff and now my dad thinks you’re my boyfriend. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if everything is falling apart, or getting pieced together. I just know he’s dying and I really want him to be happy with me before he goes. I need my last memories of him to be good ones, Eric.”

  She’s breathless from her explanation. It’s like she had this entire speech prepared and wanted to spit it out as quickly as possible, before she chickened out. It’s like she has no idea, I’d do absolutely anything for her - even though I’ve already told her as much.

  “Come here,” I say, dragging her in for a hug. I can’t help but kiss her ear as I softly speak into it, “I’d be really honored to meet him.”

  “Really?” Sucking in a sob, she sounds more relieved than distressed.

  “Of course. No pretenses, remember? Besides, that’s what friends do for each other.”

  I don’t know how I feel about lying to a dying man, but Jamie seems to think it’s the right thing. I trust her judgment, hesitantly. It’s one thing to lie to her alpha-type ex-boyfriend when I thought she needed my protection, but it’s another thing entirely to look her father in the eye and tell him this story for no reason, other than to make Jamie happy.

  But making her happy is the only reason I really need.

  Walking into her father’s room feels a bit like being called to the principal’s office, or facing a judge in court. Actually - this is how I imagine it would feel being sent to the firing squad. I’m prepared to put my best game face on, to lie my fucking heart out, but when Jamie and I quietly approach his bedside, her dad’s fast asleep.

  He’s a big man, even more imposing than I imagined, but it’s obvious that the illness has a strong hold on him. Cancer is a devastating son of a bitch. A twisted part of me compares Jamie’s dad to Caleb. It’s morbid as hell but I’m relieved that my brother isn’t this bad off. This poor guy is on his last legs. My sad, beautiful girl is going to lose her father, soon. I hope I’ll be able to hold her up through that.

  Does it make me a selfish prick if part of my reason for that hope is because I think it could bring us even closer together? I want to prove that I won’t abandon her. I want to give substance to the trust she’s given me. I want to show her that I can, and will, do better for her than the other men in her life ever have. I really want to give her a reason to think about staying.

  Turning to me, Jamie sighs heavily, “Thanks Eric. I guess I pulled you away for no reason.”

  “Stop it. How many times do I have to tell you? I’m here for you.”

  “I know. I just feel bad that you’re missing out on all this time with Caleb. He needs you.”

  “Caleb has me. He’s had me from the start. But right now, you need me. Helping you is something he would do. He understands why it’s something I have to do too. I’m not abandoning him, Jamie. I’m doing the right thing for both of you.”

  “You’re too good to me.”

  “Not possible, beautiful girl. I wish I could make everything better for you - I’d give anything to make that happen.”

  “I like this guy,” the weak, unsteady voice of Jamie’s dad interrupts our connection.

  “Dad!” Jamie startles, “I’m sorry. I woke you up again.”

  He looks like he’s ready to nod off again, but is still lucid enough to talk. “Is this him?” He motions toward me.

  “Yeah, this is Eric.” Jamie waves at me, then back to her dad. “Eric, this is my father, Frank Hartley.”

  Shit. How did I not know her last name? There’s still got to be a million things I don’t know about her - doesn’t change the fact that I’m falling in love with her. A girl I’ve just met has stolen my heart, and I’m meeting her father on hi
s deathbed. It’s like I told Caleb - things are intense.

  That intensity, coupled with all the bad shit I know about Jamie’s dad, has me on edge. Knowing what his family’s gone through, knowing what Jamie’s gone through, in part because of him - the whole situation makes me uncomfortable. Visibly uncomfortable.

  “Nice to meet you, Frank. Mr. Hartley, Sir.”

  He may be in a medicated haze, barely able to stay awake, but Jamie’s dad notices my discomfort as well.

  “James. I need a minute with this one. Alone,” he growls out in response to my greeting.

  “What? Why?” Jamie panics.

  I’d like to shout my agreement to her questions but I guess it’s time to man up. Time to show Jamie she can rely on me. This is my chance to put myself on the line for her. Screw it, I’ve got this. If it’s for her, I’ve fucking got this.

  “It’s okay, beautiful girl. Why don’t you go take my place with Caleb? I’ll come by after your dad and I have a little chat.”

  After giving both her father and me a warning glare, Jamie agrees to go spend more time with my brother. I hope this move doesn’t backfire on me. I’m afraid that my siblings may not keep quiet about our earlier conversation, and Frank here, may not like what I have to say to him.

  But my options are limited. I’ll just have to own the consequences – whatever they might be.

  “So, you’re going to sit down over here and listen up. I haven’t got the strength to keep yelling across the room at you.”

  Frank Hartley may be at death’s door but he’s still a demanding prick. I can already hear the lecture he’s going to give about his daughter. It’s going to be a waste of his breath but I’ll give him the respect he hasn’t earned and listen anyway.

  Sitting at his bedside, I brace for his onslaught.

  “You’re not really her boyfriend, are you?”

  That is not what I was prepared for.

  When I don’t answer, Frank just closes his eyes. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. Seemed a bit too convenient.”

  “Well, if it makes any difference, this is my fourth day as her fake boyfriend. It’s been the best four days of my life.”