Just Fine with Caroline

by Annie England Noblin

  “There are two of them,” Caroline replied. “They take shifts. They stay in the spare room when they’re here at night. Ava Dawn and I are sharing my room. And no, neither one of them is hot. They’re both about fifty.”

  “Don’t be rude, Caroline,” Reese said. “Fifty-year-old women can still be hot.”

  “They’re married.”

  “Details, sweetheart.” Reese waved his hand in the air. “Mere details.”

  Caroline rolled her eyes. Reese wasn’t the only person she knew who seemed to think that. She bit down on her lip, determined not to think about that. She was going to have a good time tonight.

  The Cold River Speedway was located just outside of town on the outskirts of the county. It sat on eighty acres with a dirt track and wooden bleachers surrounding it. In the summertime, people from all over brought their RVs and camped during the racing weekends. Sometimes, on particularly quiet summer evenings, the sounds of the racing cars could be heard all the way in the center of Cold River.

  Tyler was busy unloading his hobby stock car from the trailer when Caroline, Court, and Reese arrived.

  “Isn’t she a beauty?” Tyler beamed. “She’s gonna win tonight. I just know it.”

  Beauty wasn’t exactly the word Caroline would use to describe the dented Monte Carlo that Tyler was caressing like a newborn. “I’m sure you’ll do great,” she said.

  Just then, Gary sauntered past them, holding the keys to his own stock car. “Hey, kiddos. Hope you’re ready for a real race tonight.”

  “I’m ready for just about anything you got,” Tyler replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “But don’t you be fillin’ that tank with none of your granny’s grain alcohol. You know that’s against the rules.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.” Gary gave them a grin that said he’d been doing more than dreaming about it. “Besides, your thirsty friend over there at Cranwell Station’s been drinkin’ me outta house and home.”

  “Noah?” Caroline cut in. “You’ve been selling your shine to Noah?”

  “Shhh . . .” Gary put his finger to his lips, glancing nervously around at the crowd. “Don’t say it so damn loud.”

  “Oh, come on,” Kasey said. “Your granny’s shine is the worst-kept secret in Ozark County.”

  “Let’s just keep our heads in the race,” Gary replied, reaching down to jerk up his pants. “Good luck out there, Ty.”

  “You’re gonna beat the shit out of ’em with that beast!” Reese cut in, clapping Tyler on the back. “We’re gonna find our seats and grab a beer. See ya in the winner’s circle, brother.”

  Once they were out of earshot, Court said, “That POS won’t even make it a lap. Why did you have to get his hopes up, Reese?”

  “That’s what friends are for,” Reese replied, stepping into line at the refreshment stand. “Man, we shoulda brought a cooler. Beer is gonna cost us a fortune.”

  “I don’t want any,” Court replied. “Get me some nachos. I’ll go find us somewhere to sit.”

  “What bug crawled up his butt?” Reese asked Caroline, jamming his elbow into her rib cage. “He’s been like this all night.”

  Caroline shrugged. “Maybe he’s just having a bad night.”

  “Seems like I’m the only one he’s sore at.”

  “I don’t know,” Caroline replied.

  “Well, you know him better than anybody else.”

  Caroline turned around from her place in line to look at him. “What do you want me to say, Reese?”

  Reese stared at her for a long time before hunching his shoulders over and replying, “Nothing, I guess.”

  “It’s not your fault.” Caroline gave him a pat on the back. “It’s nobody’s fault, really.”

  “If it ain’t my fault, how come I feel so dang guilty?”

  Caroline felt sorry for Reese. She’d been pretty insensitive to him in all of this between him and Court, but he had feelings, too. He just didn’t show them very well. Reese loved Court, he really did, but he was never going to love Court in the way that Court wanted, and deep down, she knew that it broke Reese’s heart just as much as it did Court’s. “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “Aw, it’s alright.” Reese sniffed into the dusty air. “Here, take this money.” He shoved two twenty dollar bills into her palm. “I see me a fine-lookin’ brunette over there that I gotta talk to.”

  Reese swaggered off, and Caroline just shook her head. That was just his way. Reese needed to remind her that he was, after all, a man. A man who liked women. As if she didn’t know that already. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t realize it was her turn at the concession stand until the person behind her cleared his throat. “I’m going,” she said, turning around.

  “Well, hello, Caroline.” It was Haiden Crow, smiling at her.

  “Hello, Haiden,” she said. She noted the tick in his face when she called him Haiden and not Brother Crow as he preferred. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine ’n’ dandy. How about yourself?”

  “Oh, mostly the same.” Caroline turned around to the woman behind the concession stand and said, “I need two Bud Lights, a water, and some nachos. Extra jalapeños.”

  “I’ve never seen you at the races before,” Haiden continued on behind her. “You here to watch someone?”

  “It’s been a while since I’ve been out here,” Caroline replied. “One of my friends is in his first race tonight. Tyler Jenkins.”

  “Oh, good, good.” Haiden Crow fidgeted with his money. He rolled it up into a ball in his hand and then shoved it back into his pocket only to remove it again a few seconds later. Despite the cool evening, there was a line of sweat above his brow.

  “Everything okay?” Caroline asked.

  “Oh, yes. Yes,” he replied. “Everything is fine. But I was wondering . . .” He trailed off.

  “About?”

  He shoved his money back down into his pocket. “Well, the thing is, I haven’t seen your cousin much lately. I was worried about her is all.”

  “You haven’t seen her at church, you mean?”

  “Yes, yes. Of course.”

  “She’s been busy,” Caroline said. “Picking up extra shifts at the diner and helping Dad and me out with Mom.”

  “She, uh, she told me about your mama wandering off.”

  “Did she, now?”

  Haiden nodded, in earnest. “We’ve been prayin’ for her.”

  Caroline wanted to roll her eyes, but instead she said, “Thank you.”

  “Will you tell Ava Dawn I asked after her?” Haiden looked at her, a glint of hopefulness in his eyes. It made Caroline nervous.

  “Sure will,” she said. “I’ll let her know you’ve been missin’ her . . . at church.”

  “Thanks.”

  Caroline stepped away from the concession stand to allow him to order, starting off towards the bleachers where she saw Court sitting by himself on one end. “Here,” she said, handing the nachos up to him. “Take these so I can get up there.”

  “Where have you been?” Court wanted to know.

  “Reese ran off and left me with everything,” Caroline huffed, making her way up the crowded bleachers. “And then Haiden Crow cornered me in the concession line wantin’ to know why Ava Dawn hadn’t been to church.”

  “He sure seems to pay a lot of attention to her.”

  Caroline sat down. “You’re tellin’ me.”

  “You think there’s something going on between them?” Court asked.

  Caroline shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “I can’t believe that the pastor of the largest church in town would risk his career for Ava Dawn,” Court said.

  “Hey now.” Caroline elbowed him. “Ava Dawn is gorgeous and not nearly as stupid as she lets people believe.”

  Court piled a tortilla chip with three jalapeños and said, “But you’ve got to admit, it would be pretty stupid of both of them.”

  “You’re right.” It would be stupid of them, and a
few weeks ago, Caroline would have said there was no way that two people could possibly be so stupid. But now, she wasn’t so sure. It seemed to her that the people who had the most to lose were also the most willing to take a risk.

  “Speaking of Ava Dawn,” Court continued, “did you see that Roy’s here?”

  “I didn’t see him,” Caroline replied. “But he never misses a race. His dad’s shop sponsors a couple of cars.”

  “I didn’t see that little blonde with him this time.”

  “Good.”

  On the track below them, the race was beginning to start. Caroline could see Kasey leaning in to kiss Tyler before he suited up and jumped into the car. Roy wasn’t far away, giving a pep talk to one of the Bean family’s drivers. It was exciting, especially when the drivers started their engines and the noise could not only be heard but also felt, vibrating off of the bodies of the cheering people sitting in the stands. Caroline found herself wishing she could share it with Noah. So far, he was the only thing she’d ever experienced to make her heart beat as fast as it did during those first few seconds before a race.

  But that was over now, the two of them, and when Tyler skidded off the track in the second lap and into the patch of grass into the middle, Caroline figured she probably understood just how he felt.

  “Well, that was underwhelming,” Court said once the race was over. “And what in the hell happened to Reese?”

  Caroline shrugged. “He ran off after some girl with brown hair.”

  Court’s jaw tightened. “I’ll go find him. Wait for us up by the front gate, alright?”

  “Okay.” Caroline stood up, feeling a little dizzy. She’d managed to drink both her beer and Reese’s since he’d never come back. She shakily made her way back down from the bleachers and followed the crowd out towards the parking lot.

  It was dark out in the parking lot, but the bright lights from the track illuminated everything else. She waved and spoke to a few people before leaning up against the chain link fence attached to the gate. She didn’t even see Roy until he was standing in front of her.

  “Evenin’, Carolina.”

  “Hello, Roy.”

  “What’re you doin’ out here all by your lonesome?” Roy put his hand up on the chain-link fence and leaned in closer to her.

  Caroline took an uncomfortable step back. “Just waiting for Court and Reese. I’m sure they’ll be along shortly.”

  “I seen ya over there talking to the preacher man earlier,” Roy said. He tried to smile, but it came out as more of a sneer. “I hear he and my wife’s been seein’ each other pretty regular.”

  “I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

  “You sure?” Roy leaned even closer to her.

  “It’s not your business, anyway,” Caroline replied, unable to contain her irritation.

  “You’ve always been more’n half of Ava Dawn’s problem.”

  “You’re more than half of her problem,” Caroline replied. “A problem I hope she’s rid of soon.”

  “I guess it’s just as well,” Roy sneered. “I’d sure hate to be like yer daddy, takin’ care of some bat shit crazy woman who don’t even know her own name.”

  That was the thing about Roy. He always knew where to twist the knife. “That would be better than being married to a drunk,” Caroline replied. “From what I hear, that’s what runs in your family.”

  “That what your cousin been tellin’ you?”

  “That’s what everybody’s been tellin’ me.”

  “She better not be cheatin’ on me with that preacher man.” Roy grabbed her arm, his dirty fingernails digging into her flesh. “Because I swear to God if she is, Carolina, I’ll kill her.”

  “You’re disgusting.”

  Roy laughed, letting go of her arm and disappearing into the crowd of people. Maybe Caroline was going crazy, but she could have sworn she heard him laughing all the way home.

  CHAPTER 32

  THE FIRST TIME CAROLINE REALIZED SOMETHING might be wrong with her mother was when Maureen O’Conner came to visit her in college. Caroline was nineteen, a sophomore, and living in one of the dorms on the Missouri State University campus in Springfield.

  It was October, and it was just beginning to get dark. Caroline and her roommate, Amber, had been studying all afternoon for midterms. When they heard a knock at the door, they assumed it was the pizza they’d ordered. Instead, it was Caroline’s mother.

  “Mom, what are you doing here?” Caroline asked.

  “I came to take you to lunch,” her mother replied. “Did you forget?”

  “We did that last week, remember?” Caroline asked. “And it’s almost six o’clock at night.”

  “No we didn’t,” her mother said. She stepped inside the dorm room. “I think I’d remember driving two hours to go to lunch with my own daughter.”

  “Okay,” Caroline replied. She was confused, but her mother had always been forgetful, and lately it was getting worse. No big deal. “Let me go get my sweater. Can Amber come, too?”

  “Of course.”

  A few minutes later, Caroline returned to see her mother sitting on the couch in the common area. She was staring blankly into the room, and Amber was sitting next to her and patting Maureen O’Conner’s hand. “Mom, is something wrong?”

  She looked over at Caroline, and that’s when Caroline saw the abject fear in her mother’s eyes. “I can’t remember why I’m here,” her mother said. “I can’t remember who this girl is next to me, either. I know I should know. But I don’t.”

  Caroline called her father, and he came right up. Two weeks later, they heard “Alzheimer’s” for the first time, and Caroline left school at the end of the fall semester. The first year of her mother’s diagnosis was spent seeing every specialist in the country. None of them were able to curb the beastly disease, and Maureen O’Conner began to refuse to travel. She once became so obstinate in the Kansas City airport that she had to be detained and hospitalized. It was the last time they traveled anywhere that required a plane ride.

  Caroline had spent the last five years taking care of her mother. She’d kept the bait shop open, the only real thing she felt like she could do to help. She didn’t go out much, with the exception of the last few weeks, and everything she’d done throughout the whole of her twenties now felt like a huge, ugly lie.

  And she had to keep it up for her father’s sake.

  She turned from the stove when she heard her father coming in through the front door with her mother and Ava Dawn. “Hey, everybody,” she said, trying to muster a smile. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

  “Are you making mashed potatoes?” her mother asked, her voice hopeful. “The hospital food was simply terrible.”

  “Of course.”

  Her mother sat down at the table, and her father sat his wife’s overnight case on the couch. “Do you need any help in there?” he asked.

  “No,” Caroline replied, turning back around. “I think I’m good.”

  Ava Dawn wandered into the kitchen and aimlessly began stirring the potatoes. “You don’t have to set a place for me tonight,” she said.

  “How come?” Caroline wanted to know.

  “I’m helping Brother Crow with the teen Bible study,” Ava Dawn explained. “His wife has gone to Atlanta to visit her family for a couple of weeks, and she usually helps him with it.”

  “You’ve been helping him a lot lately.”

  Ava Dawn turned to face Caroline. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing!”

  “Look, I know you’re still sore at me over what happened,” Ava Dawn said.

  “I’m not, I swear,” Caroline replied.

  “But I figured you’d be happy about how much time I’m spendin’ helpin’ out with the church,” Ava Dawn continued. “I’ve got my own life now, and Brother Crow helped me with that.”

  Caroline sighed. “I know.”

  “He’s a good man.”

  “He’s a married man.”


  “I know,” Ava Dawn said. “Don’t you think I know that?”

  “Do you?” Caroline just didn’t trust Haiden Crow any farther than either of them could throw him. “I saw him at the races the other night. He seemed awful anxious to talk to you. What do you suppose that was all about?”

  “I gotta go,” Ava Dawn replied, wiping her hands on the back of her jeans. “I’ll see you later.”

  “I just wish people around here would start telling me the goddamn truth!” she called after her. What Caroline really wanted to do was explain to her cousin why she was really upset—she wanted to take her into her confidence and cry on her shoulder about all that she knew. She wanted to tell her about Noah and the cave and everything else, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She could barely admit it to herself, and so instead she turned back to the stove and continued to cook her mother’s mashed potatoes.

  MAUREEN O’CONNER WAS in good spirits. She was feeling better since her hospital stay. The color was back in her cheeks, and her feet were mending. She was all smiles at the dinner table. “The food looks great.”

  “Your mother is right,” her father replied, smiling at Caroline. “It does look good.”

  Caroline forced a smile. She watched them eat as she picked at her plate. She wished she could go back to the night she invited Noah over for dinner. She would have left him there at the station. If she’d kept her big mouth closed, none of this would have happened. She watched as her mother shoveled in a mouthful of potatoes. It must have been exhausting for Maureen O’Conner to keep that secret all these years—having to look at the station every single day and pretending that it didn’t mean anything to her, sort of the way Caroline was having to do now. My real mother, Caroline thought, my mother before Alzheimer’s, would have gone to her grave with that secret. Now secrets were oozing out like the inside of an overfilled jelly doughnut, and there was nothing her mother could do to stop them.

  “Caroline?” Her father looked at her expectantly. “Caroline, honey, are you alright?”

  Caroline tore her eyes away from her mother. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said. She stood up and picked up her plate. “I think I’m going to sit out on the porch and eat if that’s alright.”