Henry sat on the steps behind the Goodwin home and put his head in his hands. Of course, she would have to want to be married to him in the first place. And after the way he'd behaved earlier in the evening, he wasn't sure she would ever want to marry him. What woman wanted a weak and useless husband?
Looking up, Henry saw two figures walking down the alley toward him. He instantly recognized Emma Lynn, but he wasn't familiar with the man who escorted her. A wave of nervous jealousy overwhelmed him. He was not about to let anyone else mistreat his Emma ever again. And that started now.
Henry threw his hat to the ground and raised his fists in the air in an awkward fighting stance as the pair approached.
"Are you in danger, Emma Lynn?" he said as soon as they were in earshot.
"What are you doing here?" she asked him. The Negro beside her merely smiled.
"I was worried about you. I want to protect you," Henry said.
"I'm fine, Mr. Miller. Clarence was just walking me home."
It pained him to hear that she had gone back to using such a formal tone with him. Had he already lost her to this Clarence? Something about that name seemed very familiar. He thought for a second and then remembered.
"Clarence? Are you Rebecca Jane's ... friend?" He knew for a fact that he was more, but for some reason had trouble actually saying it. Yes, Rebecca Jane was in fact Negro, but according to society she was white. And it felt odd to match her with Clarence. Though the same thing could be said about him and Emma Lynn. Except with Emma Lynn, he didn't even really see her as a Negro. He just considered her his soul mate.
Clarence smiled and nodded. "I'll leave you two to talk." He kissed Emma Lynn's hand then strolled away.
"Thank you for seeing me home, Clarence."
"Anytime," he called out over his shoulder.
Henry picked up his hat as Emma Lynn tried to walk past him to the stairs.
"Wait, Emma. Can we talk?"
He reached for her hand, but she snatched it away.
"About what?"
"I would like to apologize to you. Please let me apologize."
"You have nothing to apologize for, Mr. Miller."
"Emma, please don't be so cold to me. Not after all we've shared. Not after knowing how we feel about each other."
He touched her cheek and she closed her eyes, hopefully reveling in his touch. "I should have stood up for you. I should have protected you against Frank." He pulled her closer to him and rested his forehead against hers. She didn't resist. "I never expected any of this. I never thought —"
"What, Henry?" she said stepping away abruptly. "You'd never thought you'd love a Negro?"
"Well, no, honestly. But that doesn't mean —"
"You have no idea what it's like to be Negro. You have no idea what I go through every day of my life. It's like I'm not even human. Even in my own home, I'm less than worthy. I'm not good enough for my own parents to acknowledge me. They are my parents," she said pointing to her home. "Mrs. Goodwin gave birth to me but treats me as if I'm nothing more than hired help."
"Emma Lynn, I know," he said trying to hold her.
"The sad thing is I should have known," Emma Lynn said, ignoring Henry's comment. "The way I look like Rebecca Jane. The way no one would ever tell me about my parents or where I came from. All the signs were there. I think a part of me didn't want to know. I didn't want to have to admit that my own parents would do something like this to me."
"Emma, I know," he said again.
"Do you? I don't think you do. You don't know what it's like to be nothing and belong to no one. And if you want to be with me that is essentially what you'd be as well. Nothing and no one. I don't think you're ready for that, Henry. I don't think you can handle it."
"You're right, Emma. You're exactly right. I'm not ready for a life with you. But I'm also not ready for a life without you. Nothing scares me more than losing you."
Emma Lynn was silent for a moment as if contemplating his words. He thought he might have gotten through to her.
"If you feel half of what I feel for you, Emma, you won't be able to live without me either."
Emma Lynn sighed. "Henry, I love you. I do. I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you. But there's nothing we can do. It will be easier if we —"
"Let's get married."
"Henry, be serious."
"I am. I've already spoken to your parents."
"Don't call them that. They are not my parents. They are still Mr. and Mrs. Goodwin." Emma Lynn grabbed onto the railing and gently lowered herself down to the stairs as if she had suddenly gotten faint. The realization seemed to be finally hitting her. "How long have you known?" she asked him.
"Not long," he said sitting beside her. "Charles told me everything a few days ago. I wanted you to know the truth, but Charles thought you should find out from him or Rebecca Jane."
Emma Lynn stared in front of her either unable or unwilling to speak. "Sweet Emma," he said smoothing her hair away from her face. He stared at her beautiful profile, especially her lips. He so wanted to taste her lips again. "I'll never let anything hurt you. For the rest of our lives. I'll be stronger for you. I'll make sure you're happy," he whispered as he leaned toward her. Speaking of the rest of their lives, Henry thought it was time to bring up Rebecca Jane's proposal.
"Also," he began slowly, "Rebecca Jane has a plan for all of us."
"What do you mean all of us? What plan?" she said looking at him.
He couldn't resist the temptation of her lips in the moonlight. Instead of answering, he leaned in and a seized a kiss. Emma Lynn's hands reached around his neck. Henry pressed deeper into her, feeling his whole body grow warm.
Several breathless minutes later, he said, "Before I tell you Rebecca Jane's idea, please know that I love you more than anything. Tell me you know that."
"I know," she whispered.
"Rebecca Jane just feels that if we do this, it will be easier for everyone. But if you don't agree, I'll understand and we'll do something else. We'll do whatever it takes to be together, all right?"
"All right. Whatever it takes."
Confrontation
Emma was silent for a very long time as she turned the wire ring he had given her around and around in her hand. Henry was sure she wasn't fond of the idea of a fake marriage to Clarence just so they could be together. She had every right to be upset. What right did he have to ask her to live a lie after her entire life had already been a lie? It was a selfish thing to ask.
"Are you all right, Emma?" he asked finally.
She nodded, but he didn't believe her. Henry put his arm around her shoulder and then kissed the side of her head. "I shouldn't have asked you that. It was unfair of me."
Emma Lynn turned to him and said. "I'll do it."
"You will? But why?"
"If it means we can be together, I'll do it."
"There are other ways. We can leave East St. Louis. Maybe we could live in Canada. It isn't the only way. I don't want to make you do anything that makes you feel — "
"Unworthy?"
Henry nodded.
"I don't feel that. You're the only thing in my life right now that makes me feel loved. I'll do anything to spend the rest of my life with you."
Henry smiled and kissed her again. "I'm going to make you happy. I'm going to make up for everything you've suffered in your life. You'll never hurt again as long as you are with me."
Henry held her tightly in his arms for a very long time.
"It's late, Henry. You should go."
He didn't want to go. He wanted to hold her for the rest of the night. He was actually hoping that they would move together to her bed in the cellar. He wanted to watch her fall asleep. But he thought it too forward to ask for such a thing. Instead, he reluctantly let her go and stood up on the steps. After helping her to her feet, he kissed her again and said, "I'll talk this over with Rebecca Jane and see when she wants to do this."
"Let's do it today. I don't wa
nt to live another minute in that house if I don’t have to," Emma Lynn said, looking over her shoulder.
Henry smiled and caressed her cheek."Today?" he asked.
She nodded.
Thinking deeply for a moment, he adjusted his hat on his head then said, "I see no need to wait. But we can’t do it today. It’s Sunday now."
“Then Monday. Let’s run away and get married on Monday.
He pinched his chin in thought. “Okay, Monday it is. Rebecca has money. Apparently she's been saving for something like this for a long time. We can leave Monday morning, get married and then find a place to live." Henry wasn't exactly sure how he would pay for a house, but he would figure out a way. He'd heard the house buying market was strong across the river in Missouri. He was also quite sure Rebecca Jane had enough money saved for their necessities. At least for a while. Clarence had a successful career as a musician so he could definitely contribute. That just left Henry to figure out how he could care for his and Emma Lynn's bills. Maybe he could be a doctor's assistant if he wasn't able to go to college immediately.
Yes, everything was coming together. Everything was going to work out perfectly.
***
Emma Lynn climbed the stairs to her kitchen in a bliss-filled daze. Nothing could bring her down. Nothing except the sight of Mrs. Goodwin waiting for her. Emma Lynn immediately regretted her decision to go to the kitchen for a cup of tea before bed. She could have easily entered her cellar bedroom through the broken window if she so desired. But then again, a confrontation with Mrs. Goodwin was probably a long time coming.
"I suppose Charles and Rebecca Jane told you," she said.
Emma Lynn nodded.
Mrs. Goodwin lit a long slender cigarette. "You must think I'm some sort of monster," she began as she wiped what looked like a tear from her eye. Even while crying, she looked completely elegant. Emma Lynn had often admired her beauty and sophistication, never imagining that she was so closely related to it.
"Something like that," Emma Lynn said with more calm than she had expected.
Why was Mrs. Goodwin crying? The cold calculating Elizabeth Goodwin would never succumb to tears. She never had to. She never made mistakes and she was always blessed with good fortune. It was indeed good fortune that gave her her looks. Her beautiful and white looks.
Maybe she cried because she was sorry for what she had put Emma Lynn through for sixteen years. Maybe she regretted never being a true mother to her. At least that was what Emma Lynn hoped.
"I'm not a monster. I did what I had to do to have a decent life. To protect my family."
"What about me? I'm your family too."
"I did protect you!" Mrs. Goodwin yelled slamming her fist on the table so loudly Emma Lynn jumped. "Do you know what your life would have been like if you didn't live here with us? Do you have any idea what your life would be right now if we had sent you back to South Carolina?"
"No, I don't have any idea. You never told me anything about myself. You never gave me a choice."
"You would have no choice in the South either. You'd be picking cotton or rice on some God-awful plantation with no hope of a future. You'd be pregnant and alone or pregnant and married to another no good Negro with a dead end future."
"At least that would have been my own doing. At least then I would know who I was and where I belong. I've lived with you for sixteen years as an outcast in my own home."
"You've had a good life here, Emma Lynn. Don't you deny that."
"Do you honestly believe my life has been as good as Rebecca Jane's?"
"You can't compare yourself to her. She's white and you're black!"
"No, Mother," Emma Lynn placed special emphasis on the word mother. Of course, she had no intention of calling her that on any permanent basis, but she felt in that instance, the effect was too powerful to pass up. Emma Lynn actually noticed Mrs. Goodwin flinch at her use of the word. "We all are black, Mother. We are the same." Emma Lynn decided against the tea and instead headed for her room.
"I want you out of this house," Mrs. Goodwin said before Emma Lynn had left the room. "You know too much. I can't have you blackmailing us into keeping our secret or worse telling everyone with a willing ear. You think you can do so much better now that you know the truth, then prove it. Go run off with your little milkman, but don't you ever come back here again." Mrs. Goodwin stood and breezed past her daughter on her way up the stairs.
Emma Lynn turned and descended down into her cellar, the dark, hopeless place she had existed for the past several years. Up until that point, her life had been the same. Dark and hopeless. But somehow, she didn't feel as depressed and despondent as she expected. She knew it was because of Henry. She knew that because of their love her life would no longer be so dark.
Big News
"I have big news," Henry said the next morning at breakfast. He hadn't even been to sleep that night. He was too excited to sleep. Just four hours ago, he had held the woman he loved in his arms. In just a little while, she would be his forever. Unfortunately, it was Sunday and there was no milk delivery. Thus, he had no reason to go back to the Goodwin’s home this morning. He’d have to figure out a way to see her again before the day’s end.
He still wasn't sure about the details of Rebecca Jane's plan. He didn't know if he would legally be marrying Rebecca Jane and just secretly bed Emma or whether Rebecca Jane and Emma Lynn would switch names for the ceremony so that even though he would be marrying Rebecca Jane in person, he would legally be married to Emma Lynn. He hoped for the latter. He wanted to be married to Emma Lynn.
"Well, what is it, boy?" Henry's father said. Henry realized that he hadn't said anything in several seconds. He was too busy daydreaming about the wedding.
Henry felt it best to tell his parents as soon as possible. He didn't know if he would be able to lie convincingly, but he had to give it a try. The rest of his life was essentially going to be a lie. He might as well start today.
"I ... I ... I am getting married."
Forks clanked on plates. A table full of confused faces stared at him. Well, almost all were confused. John's expression was more of anger. He seemed to shake his head slowly as if in warning.
"Married? To who?" his father asked.
"Um, Rebecca Jane Goodwin." Henry was shaking now. He stared down into his plate of fried potatoes and tried to ignore the heat of his family's stares.
"Rebecca Jane Goodwin?" Walter said. "You are marrying Rebecca Jane Goodwin? That's not possible. There is no way someone like that would agree to marry you."
"Yeah, there's no way she's marrying you," Willie said.
"Well, she did agree to marry me," Henry said, a little annoyed that his family believed he wasn't good enough to marry a Goodwin. He wanted to add the fact that she was the one who proposed to him. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized just how unrealistic that sounded.
Henry glanced at John leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. He was sure John had figured out what was really going on. John was too smart not to. Suddenly, Henry regretted not speaking to John privately first and laying the groundwork for this elaborate scheme. Instead, he just hoped John had the decency not to reveal him to his parents.
"How did this come about?" his mother asked. "When did you propose? I had no idea you were even interested in her until you were invited to that party last night."
Henry thought carefully before he spoke, trying to infuse as much truth as he could. "We've been in love for quite some time," he said, thinking of Emma Lynn instead of Rebecca Jane. "We thought it best to keep it a secret."
"Why? Because of Frank?"
"Yes, sure. Because of Frank. Um … " Using Frank as an excuse was just as good as any. He really couldn't think of anything else to say by way of explanation so he said, "We are eloping."
"When?" Mrs. Miller asked.
"Tomorrow," he said quietly as he realized how incredulous all of this seemed. He was telling his parents not only that he w
as in love with a girl they’d never officially met but that he was marrying her in a matter of hours. As unbelievable as it sounded, it was invariably true. Though the actual identity of the girl was a lie.
Mrs. Miller gasped. "Tomorrow? Why so soon?"
"I know why," Mr. Miller volunteered. Henry's heartbeat accelerated. Did he really know why? Had he known the entire time that the marriage was going to be a farce? "She's pregnant, ain't she, son?" he said punching Henry's shoulder.
Henry let out a sigh of relief as he rubbed his shoulder. He didn't really know how to respond to that question. What was one more lie on top of the several he had already told? Henry shrugged and said, "Yes, sure. She's pregnant."
"Hot damn! I didn't know you had it in you, Henry," Walter said.
"Yeah, we didn't know you had it," Willie added.
Mrs. Miller started wringing her hands nervously. "Oh Henry, I do wish you had been more careful."
"Boys will be boys, Miriam," Mr. Miller said. "We should be proud he's doing the right thing."
"Proud? We should be more than proud," Walter said. "We're going to be part of the Goodwin fortune. I'm more than proud. I'm so happy I could do a jig."
"Yeah, we should do a jig," Willie said.
Shaking off his family's responses to his comments Henry added, "We are thinking of finding a place to live across the river in Missouri."
"You mean, you're not going to live in East St. Louis anymore?" his mother asked. She seemed hurt by the news.
"No, we're leaving town." Henry cleared his throat and added, "We have a maid already as well. You know Emma Lynn." He didn't know why he decided to add that piece of information. Maybe he just wanted to see how his family would react to the news of him living with a Negro.
John pushed his plate away and bolted out of his chair. "I'm going for a walk," he said heading for the door.
Shadows of St. Louis Page 10