Fur Coat No Knickers

by C. B. Martin

  ‘Come on, everybody,’ shouted James encouragingly. ‘Pin the tail on the wobbling donkey! There’s enough arse for everyone to have a go, you can’t miss.’

  ‘Don’t worry, you all just carry on - and I’ll clean up the mess!’ I moodily shouted at them in a bid to get some attention. Nobody paid me a blind bit of notice though. I moodily checked my phone again.

  Not being able to contain myself, I called Travis’ phone after carefully making sure I’d withheld my number.

  It was still switched off. But why?

  In a daze, I threw back a vodka and Coke and finished cleaning. I did my best to join in and mingle with some of the other guests, but my heart really wasn’t in it. I couldn’t help wondering; where is Travis? What is he doing? I knew that in my miserable, discontented mood, I was half-heartedly joining in conversations just to kill time; but I wasn’t kidding anyone, least of all myself.

  By 11:55pm we all congregated into the lounge to see the New Year in. I rang Travis again. His phone was still switched off.

  ‘I’m doing the countdown everyone, so shut up!’ announced James. ‘Everyone make sure you have some Champers - and Jayde you get your cake ready. I’ve got a surprise for everyone at midnight. Spencer, darling! I so caught you looking at me just then. My eyes are up here, sunshine!’

  ‘James, I’m getting in there first with Spencer, you jammie fecker!’ slurred Siobhan, who seemed well on her way once more. ‘You can have sloppy seconds. Isn’t that right, Spencer?’

  Poor Spencer. He looked like he was at the wrong party.

  ‘Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one… HAPPY NEW YEAR, bitches!’ James cheered, throwing glittering fairy dust everywhere.

  Feeling incredibly sorry for myself, I faked the smiles, the kisses and the hugs. Just a simple text from him would have made me enjoy the celebrations so much more. Am I really that forgettable? Clearly I was, because I was standing alone on New Year’s Eve.

  At 2am I slowly swept my tired eyes across the smoke-filled room and sadly brushed away the ‘happy’ glitter. I noticed that everyone had paired up in some form for the evening. That is, everyone but me and - oddly for once - Siobhan. Emboldened by too much drink, she had told both Danny’s to ‘feck off’ because she ‘couldn’t give a shite’ about either them. Now she was curled-up on the couch surrounded by her empty bottles, sleeping like a baby. The only other singleton was Jayde who had claimed the buffet and had brought a chair up to it to give it her full, undivided attention.

  James was making best friends with Siobhan’s much-loved inflatable man, Barry, who she usually carried around in her handbag. Unaware he was being watched, James could be seen chatting Barry up in the corner and cupping his gentleman’s area. I must buy James the ‘Inflatable Ben’, I thought, as I overheard him ask Barry if he would like his fingernails painted.

  Everyone else in the room was with their real-life partners, or who-ever they’d copped off with for one night. And then there was me, all alone, holding my silent phone.

  The following day I felt even more flat. I certainly didn’t feel like I was starting the New Year off in good spirits. All my resolutions to find a husband and get pregnant now felt completely foolish. I couldn’t even keep a man for more than a night. And, worse still, I hadn't even slept with him and he’d still done a runner!

  No! I shouted at myself, clicking my tongue. My New Year’s resolution is to bag that man! He’s the one. I just know he is.

  It was back to work soon, which I wasn’t in the mood for at all. My thoughts were only of Travis - and work completely interfered with that.

  As I looked at my phone, my thoughts turned once again to Travis. Maybe he’s just turned his phone off over the holidays, I wondered. What if he never got those texts? I checked my sent messages for the twentieth time. I’m being ridiculous, I thought. I’ll just send him another text, what have I got to lose? But what should I say? I just need to think of something he has to respond to.

  Feeling a little braver, I began to compose a text:

  [Draft message to Travis]

  Did you have a nice eve?

  [Delete]

  [Draft message to Travis]

  Hi gorgeous, where are you?

  [Delete]

  [Draft message to Travis]

  You WANKER! Why don’t you reply?

  [Delete]

  [Text to Travis]

  How’s the family? Wish them all a Happy New Year! Look forward to meeting them all one day! Xxxx

  Fuck it. [Send]

  I spent most of New Year’s Day waiting to hear back from Travis (the same as every other day for the last week, then). I hate waiting!

  Get a grip. I thought. It’s New Year’s Day, he’s probably in bed with a hangover. Oh, I wish I was with him. I pictured him laying in bed, imagining his body. I could see him naked, with a white sheet only just covering his manly-hood, with me laying next to him. Running my hands down his ripped six-pack and carrying on down to his… Ahh for feck’s sake. I need to pull myself together. Big time!

  But then my thoughts started to change. The fecker better be alone. What if he met someone last night while he was out? What if he is in bed with her right now? Oh my God. The WHORE, sleeping with him on the first night. I bet she’s blonde and skinny, with huge boobs. Oh my god, he’s cheated on me already. BASTARD!… I hate him! My stomach sank as my thoughts spiralled out of control. I’m going to text him a piece of my mind!

  [Draft message to Travis]

  Have you forgotten about me already!!? Met a whore then have you? Let me guess her name… CHLAMYDIA???!!!!!

  [Delete]

  [Draft message to Travis]

  I miss you so much. Where have you gone?

  [Delete]

  Eventually I thought better of it and decided not to text him. Oh god, I huffed as I slumped on to the couch, I wish he would just contact me so I could know one way or the other! I decided to call Siobhan for some advice.

  ‘I have text him loads of times and I haven’t heard from him since yesterday morning,’ I moaned, trying with my voice to get over just how wretched I felt. I wanted to reach out to someone so they could understand how badly my heart ached. ‘He went to visit his parents in Manchester and I text him saying he should come down and see me, but I never heard anything back.’

  ‘Ah c’mon now, if he doesn’t get to see his parents very often, then it’s probably a case of catching up,’ she counselled. Siobhan could really be quite sensible when she was sober.

  ‘Really? Do you really think it’s that?’ I wheedled, praying she was right.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure he’ll be in touch,’ she said, reassuringly. Then she ruined the effect by adding: ‘And if not, I’ll get on the next flight and deck the bastard!’

  ‘So how’s your head, Siobhan?’ I giggled, despite myself. She always did make me laugh.

  ‘Well, I’m in top form - but you’ll not feckin’ believe this, right,’ she gabbled on, talking at her usual break-neck speed. ‘I wakes up this morning with two guys in me bed, all three of us stark-bollock-naked, not a clue who they are. Then, I went downstairs to find some eejit has knocked over me feckin’ Christmas tree - and James was still fast asleep on top of me blow-up Barry!’

  ‘Oh Siobhan, don’t you remember anything at all?’ I sighed heavily.

  ‘Well, I know I had a great feckin’ time, that’s all that matters right?’ she laughed back. ‘I’m just in the middle of dragging one of those guys out of me bed to get the Christmas-tree spines out of me fanjita!’

  ‘Okay, well I’m glad someone’s still having a good time,’ I sighed, feeling a cloud of despair descending on me again as I was reminded how rubbish my night had been. ‘I’ll let you go then.’

  I had to end the call quickly. I felt like I was going to cry. Maybe my sister could be of some comfort? I rang Laura and gave her the same story.

  ‘Has he still not rang you?’ asked Laura, with her usual infuriating air of sn
otty concern.

  ‘Well, no, but Siobhan thinks that he needs to spend time with his parents,’ I stammered, instantly regretting making this call.

  ‘Hmm…’ pondered Laura doubtfully.

  ‘What do you mean, ‘hmm’?’ I huffed and rolled my eyes. ‘I rang you to make me feel better not worse.’

  ‘It just doesn’t sound right to me,’ said Laura, moderating her tone. Gawd, I hated it when she talked to me like I was one of her mental patients. ‘Perhaps you should give him a call and put yourself out of your misery.’

  ‘Me? Call him? Again? No way! I’m not running after him. I want to be different. I bet all the girls that come into his life do the chasing thing with him. And I’m not going to be like that.’ I pronounced defiantly.

  ‘Well, fine then, don’t call him; stay miserable,’ said Laura, who clearly couldn’t think of anything else to say. Bloody hell, I thought she was supposed to be trained to deal with these situations. She was rubbish. What were all those years in university for?

  ‘It’s simple, you either do, or you don’t,’ she concluded.

  No shit, Sherlock! I thought.

  ‘Shall I text him?’ I asked, partly because I was feeling rather unsure as to how to behave, and also because I was still desperate to try to find some comfort from our conversation.

  ‘Yes,’ sighed Laura, ‘if that’s what you want to do, then do that.’

  ‘But I don’t want to appear like a bunny boiler!’ I wailed.

  ‘Then don’t text him!’

  ‘You’re right. Okay. I won’t!’

  The following day I returned to work with a heavy heart. It was days now since Travis last contacted me. By now, I had completely given up all hope of hearing from him.

  To stop me from making even more of a fool out of myself, I painfully deleted his number from my phone. Then, after enjoying the brief moment of control, I swiftly deleted every in and out text message. I felt momentarily liberated, but then immediately regretted it.

  So, here I was, 2nd January. I had gone back to work and life had gone back to normal. Except it hadn’t. Not quite. I felt a hole. A great big gaping hole - which no amount of shopping or wine could fill. It was as though Travis had never existed. I felt as though I had been on a rollercoaster that had only one peak. I simply couldn’t understand. Whilst I had only met him once, he had made a huge impact, making me feel something I had never felt before. It was as though I had unfolded for the first time in my life.

  I found it really hard to concentrate at work - and even the usual madcap banter didn’t distract me from my thoughts. I kept flashing back to that magical night. But each hour, his face was becoming less clear. It was like I had dreamt the whole thing. Why did I erase his number? I felt like I had lost the only connection with him that I ever had. But then, what’s the use of keeping the number when you get no reply?

  ‘Tara… earth calling Tara…’ called James, as I moped around the Salon. ‘You have two broken nails. Let me fix them for you.’

  ‘Not today. Tomorrow, maybe. Just not today.’

  ‘Tara, you’re not yourself,’ he said, looking concerned. ‘Has that rugby guy got to you that badly? I hate to see you so sad. Have you noticed that Jayde and I aren’t bickering? We’re trying to make you happy. Both you and Jackie don’t seem right. Come on, let me take you out for a boozy lunch and we can do a bit of shopping. That’s always fun. I always think the first day back after a break is too depressing, so it should only be a half-day. I don’t know why schools don’t do it - the half day, that is, without the boozy lunch of course.’

  ‘James, I don’t think I’m up to it,’ I cut in. Blimey, I must have looked bad if I’ve driven the irrepressible James into a nervous babbler. ‘It’s just hard to explain. Even though I only met him the once, it felt like… like he was… well, the one. I’ve just never felt those types of feelings before, ever. Why did he come into my life, turn me upside down and give me a taste of hot passion, just to bugger off? I mean, James, you’re a man - well err, kind of, no offense - why do they do that? They give you all the bullshit, practically get in your knickers and then, nothing! I don’t understand why he left my life so quickly. It’s just really hurting right now.’

  ‘Right,’ James said, grabbing my hand and marching me to the office. ‘Pull up a chair. Come on.’

  ‘What are you doing, James?’ I asked feeling alarmed.

  ‘I’ve got it all worked out. We’re going to Google him of course, so you have a picture and maybe you can email him?’

  ‘But I don’t even know his full name.’ I interrupted, overcome with a feeling of hopelessness. ‘What’s the point? He certainly isn't bothered about contacting me.’

  ‘Tara, listen sweetie, I’m an expert in tracking down the male species, trust me,’ pronounced James, swatting away my objections. ‘Are you really going to give up that easily? Now, do you want a picture? Or not?’

  ‘Well… yeah, I do, but…’

  ‘Right then!’ interrupted James, suddenly all business-like, tapping away on the computer. ‘So, it’s Travis. A rugby coach for Dublin, right?’

  ‘Yes.’ I sighed heavily, slumping down on the chair beside him with my jaw resting heavily in my hands.

  ‘Travis… Travis Coleman - is this the one?’ James asked, jabbing the screen and turning it to face me. I let out a shriek and shook.

  I trembled as I turned to face the computer. There he was. I felt like my heart was about to burst through my chest. I could feel a build up of familiar emotions of loss come rushing forward. My eyes, which were wide open, then filled with tears. More than anything, I wanted to jump into the screen and grab him - just to ask why he had done this to me.

  ‘Stunning, Tara,’ sympathised James, getting out of his chair, so he could step back and take a good look. Standing with one hand on my shoulder and the other perched on his slim hip, he nodded in approval.

  ‘Really stunning,’ he whispered, before he turned on his heel with a sigh and left me alone.

  I was lost in my memories. Everything came flooding back. There were those beautiful brown eyes that once stared into mine and his mega-watt smile that melted me from the first moment I saw him. As I stared at the picture, willing it to come alive and step out of the screen to make everything right, I realised this was becoming even more destructive to my already fragile mood. I was feeling frustrated and confused, wishing I had never seen a picture of him. In fact, I wished I had never met him at all.

  I ran to the toilets to fix my makeup and sort myself out. That’s it! I thought, I just want to go home. Overflowing with angry emotions, I readied myself to run to my car and drive home. I just wanted to be alone.

  ‘Tara,’ shouted Jayde from the staffroom, ‘your phone’s buzzin’ big time.’

  ‘Tell them I’ll call them back.’ I answered bitterly, as I stomped around gathering up my stuff.

  ‘Ello,’ I could hear Jayde answer my phone, ‘oh, alright mate?’

  ‘Give me that!’ I heard James growl, as he snatched the phone from her. ‘Good afternoon, thank you for calling Glamma-Puss, this is James speaking. How may I help today…? I’m afraid Tara isn’t available at the moment, can I take a message…? Okay… okay, and who shall I say is calling?’ he asked.

  The next thing I knew, James was running across the Salon towards me with a dropped jaw, pointing frantically at the phone, mouthing, ‘T-R-A-V-I-S’.

  ‘Stop mucking about, this really isn’t the time!’ I snarled, furious that they could possibly think this was a funny prank. This wasn’t something for Salon banter. This was my bloody life.

  Shrugging his shoulders and giving me a ‘you’re-going-to-be-sorry’ face, James continued on the phone. ‘Travis, thank you for calling,’ he purred. ‘We have your details and I will pass the message on to Tara personally. Thank you for your call and enjoy the rest of your day.’ He then hung up.

  ‘Tara, darling,’ he said as he handed me the phone with a ‘told-you-so’
smile. ‘Look… it’s an Irish number. It was him.’

  Shaking with shock, I finally realised James was telling the truth. I excitedly grabbed my phone and ran to the toilets to call him back.

  ‘Travis?’ I mumbled nervously, shaking from head to toe. ‘It’s me, it’s Tara, Tara from England.’

  ‘Hey gorgeous, yes, I know it’s you,’ Travis laughed softly. ‘I was just lying on the bed reading all your text messages. Miss Naughty Santa outfit, eh? Very, very nice indeed. And those stockings… wow, how am I supposed to concentrate on work now?’

  I practically fainted with desire just listening to his devastatingly sexy voice.

  A short while later, I proudly strutted back out of the toilets. Jackie had now joined Jayde and James and all three were waiting patiently for me to say something.

  ‘He had only gone and accidentally left his phone in Dublin,’ I said, feeling ecstatic and a little sheepish at the same time. ‘He returned from Manchester this morning and has only just received all of my forty-something text messages. Or maybe he said fifty? Ahh well - who’s counting? I feel so stupid. But guess what? He’s flying over to see me next week. I’m so excited… I feel sick!

  ‘James,’ I added with a beaming smile. ‘Do you fancy fixing my nails now?’

  CHAPTER SIX

  I had been planning what to wear for the best part of three days. I had tried on practically everything in my wardrobe in various combinations. Nothing seemed right. There was nothing else for it. I had to call in my local fashionista: James.