by Body, Heart
She hesitated another minute then shoved herself sharply down on him and froze. The sensation rocked through him like a bucket of ice water and he knew exactly what he’d just done.
“Shit! You’re shitting me! Fuck, Kira. God. Fuck. Shit!”
He moved her gently off him and laid her back on the bed, he saw the tears pooling in her eyes and wished to God he could comfort her, but he was about to throw himself from her balcony. He paced to the French doors, then back to the bed, not able to believe what he’d just done.
Hoping against hope it hadn’t been what he thought, but knowing before he saw it, it had been, he looked down at his still semi-hard dick and saw her blood on it.
Chapter 10
“Don’t move.”
Kira looked up from her place of mortification on the bed and thought she just couldn’t, although if there’d been a hole nearby she might have gathered the emotional strength to climb into it. She dropped her head back on the mattress without answering him.
“Well that didn’t exactly go the way you’d always dreamed it.”
Kira rolled her head over the blankets wondering if she’d ever be anything more than a total screw up. Maybe they were all right. Maybe she should stop trying so hard to prove them all wrong and just accept the fact that she can’t do anything right.
“Lay still.”
Before she could even react, Dev had a warm cloth between her legs cleaning her.
“Oh, just great.” She lifted her head to look him in the eye. “Because I wasn’t humiliated enough?”
One side of his mouth hitched up marginally, but he didn’t stop, so Kira simply dropped her head back down, hoping she was about to wake up or that maybe she could have a rewind button. She’d rewind all the way back to that day she saw Barbara Folsom-Worthington’s damn blasted ad in the first place and throw the thing through the shredder.
“You should have told me, Kira.”
“Why? You wouldn’t have believed me, anyway. You constantly think I’m playing games with you.” She laughed, mocking herself. “Outside of a few card games and the occasional rousing game of Twister, games aren’t really my thing.”
He was silent for a few minutes more, and when he finally finished, he lowered her legs, pulled her skirt back down, then lay on his side next to her, his head propped on his hand and that damn sexy scent of him washing over her leaving her senseless.
“I think your dress is probably ruined.”
He said it so tenderly she felt a new round of tears welling. One actually had the nerve to slip out and run down into her hair. Dev’s finger followed over the trail it left, then he placed a solid kiss to her head murmuring into her hair.
“Marry me.”
He was so serious, so lethally quiet. How two words could carry so much primal possessiveness she wasn’t sure, but she started to cry in earnest then. But when he tried to pull her close, she let her rage ignite and shoved him away, storming into her closet. Unfortunately, with Dev not far behind, but she didn’t care, she was beyond modesty at this point.
* * * *
Dev scrubbed his hands over his face, wondering what on Earth he’d done now. He followed Kira into the large walk-in closet and watched her strip her beautiful dress off, dropping it without care to the floor. Despite the low lighting, Dev’s cock sprang back to life with the recognition that with the exception of a pair of sexy, strappy, low-heeled sandals, she was completely naked.
The sight of her totally feminine, naked body, even if it was stiff with indignation, was like a revelation to him. Never had he seen a more perfect woman and it wasn’t her long legs, large breasts, or sublime ass, it was just Kira. She was soft and rounded in places he hadn’t seen in a very long time, most of the women in his acquaintance being off the anorexic hard bodied variety, he’d forgotten the extreme pleasure of pure femininity. She had the power over him to make him feel like a kid again, when things were fresh and he hadn’t screwed everything up yet.
She yanked off the shoes and yanked on a pair of day-glo pink underwear, topped them with baggy white cotton pants that did nothing to disguise the day-glo pink from beneath, then put on a sports bra in the softest shade of yellow he’d ever seen.
He wasn’t sure what to say to her, wasn’t sure exactly what he’d said to make her mad in the first place, but it was obvious she was pissed. She brushed past him, a soft blend of lilac and freesia engulfing him as she moved to a dressing table and yanked her hair into a high ponytail that she didn’t pull all the way through on the last pass so it hung barely to her shoulders in a shape Dev unexpectedly contrasted with a noose.
He continued to watch her as she stormed out of the dressing room back to the bed, she pulled a case from under it and started throwing out discs until she found the one she wanted and shoved it into a CD player on the bedside table. A hard sounding blend of guitar, drums, and synthesizer filled the air, causing Dev to wince slightly.
“What is that?”
She narrowed her eyes, abruptly folding her arms under her breasts in a show of defiance. That only had the effect on Dev of wanting to throw her right back down on that bed and finish what they’d started.
“It’s Nickleback. I’m tired of being the manifestation of whatever it is Barbara Folsom-Worthington desires. I want to feel like me again.”
Dev hid a smile. He didn’t think his approval was what she needed, but he had a hard time not applauding her. He hadn’t seen this side of her before and had to admit she’d just gained the rest of his respect. Not that it would matter to her, but he rarely met anyone he respected, even a little. This only made her more of a standout in his pathetic little world and only showed him even more clearly that she didn’t belong in it.
His view moved to her toes that she was agitatedly wiggling. He took in the deep sultry red her nails were painted and thought that wasn’t her, that was Barbara, but the silver toe ring seemed like her and the clothes were definitely all her and—he held back a chuckle—the music was obviously her. He started going over every time he’d been in her company, trying to sort out what was her, and what was Barbara’s mirage, meant to draw him in.
He slowly let his eyes take in all of her, from those cute little toes to her magnificent hair. He remembered the first night he saw her. He’d been expecting some sweet little thing that would appear innocent but would have a hard edge she wouldn’t have been able to hide no matter how good an actress she was, maybe that’s why Kira had taken him by surprise. Maybe that was the answer to why he had all these conflicting emotions where she was concerned.
He’d become complacent, used to manufacturing interest in women so he could feed that ache, try to fill the bottomless hole that consumed him. He’d forgotten what it was like to be honestly attracted to someone, and Kira wasn’t like anything that had ever snagged his attention before.
Blondes weren’t his thing, young wasn’t his thing, innocent definitely wasn’t his thing, but combined with that indefinable essence that made her different from anyone else he’d ever known, she was a force of nature he had no defenses for. She’d snagged his heart that first night and probably was too innocent to even realize it.
He watched her draw a long breath then shake her hands out at her sides as he lost himself looking into her deep gold eyes. He became instantly aware of his own nakedness and actually blushed, probably for the first time ever. From head to toe. He managed a small smile before quickly grabbing up his jeans from the floor where he’d abandoned them. He tugged them on with force, hoping the abrading of his skin would jerk his mind back from all things sexual.
He didn’t waste time fastening them before he went to stand by Kira, loosely placing his hands on her forearms. His woman. His mess. For once in his life, he would stick around and sort through it.
“Okay. I get that you’re pissed, but dumb-ass male that I am, I’m not sure why.”
She made a quick maneuver with her arms, effectively disengaging his hands and speared him with her
fiery gaze.
“You asked me to marry you.”
His lips twitched, but he held back the smile. “And?”
With a definitive female sound of frustration, she stomped off the platform the bed was on and went to the French doors. Glancing over her shoulder at him, she made that sound again and stamped outside onto the balcony.
Dev knew he had it bad when he followed without hesitation, knowing he’d follow the girl to the ends of the Earth if she wanted him to.
And probably even if she didn’t.
When he stepped into the sunlight, she was leaning on the railing. Her head up, she seemed to be looking past the gardens to the ocean beyond. A slight breeze rippled through her hair, bringing with it the scent of the ocean and the jasmine planted on the trellises below.
Dev pressed himself behind her, leaning his face against hers, wrapping his arms around her waist.
“You don’t want to marry me?”
She slumped for a second, then pushed out of his hold. When she turned, he saw so many emotions in her eyes, flickering across her face, that he never could have named them all, but found himself wishing for a lifetime to figure them out. She reached out and gently touched his cheek; he found himself having to swallow against a lump forming in his throat.
“You don’t want to marry me.” She turned her back to him before adding. “And no, I don’t think I want to marry you, either. I’m not ready for marriage, even if I was completely certain about you and me.”
When she turned back, the only emotion Dev saw was sadness. It crushed him.
“Are we ever going to get this right? I’m crazy about you, Dev. I crave your touch, dream about you in my sleep, and most of the time I’m awake, as well. I want to be with you, but it seems there’s always some undercurrent I don’t understand going on, and it rises up to snatch you away every time I think we’re getting close.” She sighed. “I just don’t know what else to do, and quite frankly, I’m a little ashamed of all the things I’ve already done. I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”
He moved close, wrapping one arm around her waist and cupping her cheek. To his extreme relief, she didn’t pull away.
“You gave me your virginity, sweetheart, and I have to imagine that the fact you still had it at your age, it was important to you.”
Now she did pull away. Leaned back against the side balcony railing with pain and anger etched on her face.
“It’s a damn piece of skin, not the holy grail. And it’s mine to do with what I choose. I could have bloody well given it to Miguel and you couldn’t have said a damn thing about it!”
He grabbed her, pulling her hard against him before growling in that deep primal sound he’d never made before meeting Kira. “I sure the hell could have, and would have.” He softened, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. “You just didn’t have to listen.”
That made her laugh, and she wilted against him, he pressed her head against his shoulder, brushing his hand over her hair.
“Things between us have been kind of fucked up since the beginning. I’ll give you that one, but maybe if we get away from here…If it’s just the two of us for a while.” He pulled back so he could see her face, his hand moving to the side of her head. “We tend to work best that way.”
They both smiled, but then she pulled away again and walked back inside. Dev, of course followed like the love sick puppy he was. When he got inside, she was already facing him, arms folded across herself and a look he easily recognized on her face this time. It was worry, plain and simple.
* * * *
Kira watched Dev’s form move from the sun that was lovingly bathing every inch of tantalizingly visible skin, to the shade of her room. He was so magnificent; she was practically drooling. His torso so perfectly sculpted, she found herself wanting to sketch him. Wanted to run her hands all over him in order to understand his body better. She would have laughed at how even now, with things as tense as they were, she was still wet for him, still wanting him inside her, filling her like he had earlier. Only a lot longer and more energetic this time.
She almost reached for him when she forced those thoughts from her mind, whatever decisions she made about Dev, needed to be made with her head, not her over active hormones. She drew a deep breath, the breeze had picked up his cologne and flung it at her as if mocking her. She tried to think. Breathing usually helped, but not if every breath carried Dev’s scent. She shifted her position, hopefully upwind.
“Dev, what’s going on here? On this island, in this house, between you and Barbara? It’s time I know.”
He came towards her, picking up the fingers of her left hand and caressing them.
“I think I feel the same way. I’m beginning to question everything I thought I knew.” He tugged lightly. “C’mon, lets go sit.”
Separate sofas would probably have been the smartest way to go, but somehow Dev had maneuvered her onto the same sofa beside him, practically in his lap, before she had a chance to react. She shot him a warning look at which he laughed.
“I promise to be good. I just want you near me.”
How could she argue with that?
He let out a long breath, studying his own knee, as best she could tell.
“I don’t know where to start. Nothing I say is going to make me look very good.”
Kira shifted, turning her body to face him and tucking her legs beneath her, she caressed his chin. It was rough with stubble and for some reason that made her smile.
“You always look good to me, Dev. And I don’t just mean because I’m hot for you, either.”
He kissed her then, but not a long kiss like they usually shared. It seemed more like he tried to pull courage from her and she gladly let him.
“I met Barbara when I was twenty-six and out of control. I was hanging around sex clubs, doing an array of drugs. I wasn’t discriminating in my partners and I didn’t give a fuck about anybody but myself.” His breath left on a whoosh and he drew another. “I hated myself, Kira. Deep hatred, the kind that sinks into your blood and poisons you. Honestly, I was hoping to die, I was just too much a coward to pull the trigger.”
Kira’s heart contracted with a sharp burst of pain at his words. She’d wondered if he still felt that way. From time to time, she’d sensed that hatred searing him, but could never figure out where it came from. She wanted to tell him never mind, she didn’t need to know, didn’t want to make him go back there, but she didn’t say any of those things, didn’t move, barely breathed, sensing somehow that he needed to tell her.
“Barbara was older, more experienced. She took an interest in me and I went along for the ride. A ride that’s been going on twelve years now. I don’t love her, she doesn’t love me. I don’t think either of us is actually capable of the emotion, that’s why we’re so perfect for one another.”
He touched her cheek then. She tried to smile, but that remark about not being capable of love pierced her, not to mention the part where he and Barbara were perfect for each other. She thought Barbara was a crazed viper and wouldn’t be perfect even for the devil himself. Not that Dev hadn’t made choices, too, she reminded herself. He wasn’t an innocent victim to Barbara.
“I’ve made a mess of my life, Kira, but I have to admit that if I hadn’t gone with Barbara, I’d more than likely be dead right now.” He turned to look at her, he looked lost and she would have given anything to reach him—anything to touch that dark, aching soul of his.
“How about you, Kira? How’d you end up mixed up with Barbara?”
She shrugged. “There was a card on the bulletin board in my dorms. Summer job. Private island. Lots of perks. I probably would have ignored it, but my friends all applied and sort of talked me into it. Besides, all I had planned for the summer was going home. You put a summer with my mother on the scales next to mystery, romance, and luxury,” another shrug. “no-brainer.”
He turned to face her, pulling her into his lap as he did and kissing her, leaving her breathless wh
en he stopped.
“You didn’t know what you were really getting into here, did you?”
“I’m still not quite sure what’s going on around here, but it hasn’t been what I thought, no. I just feel so stupid. I mean, I can sense things aren’t as they appear, but I’m so damned gullible that I just keep going along, getting in deeper.”
He kissed her forehead, ran his fingers over her hair and met her gaze with mesmerizing sincerity.
“I like that you’re naive. I can’t remember the last time I met a woman who wasn’t jaded and hard. Maybe that’s why I can’t get enough of you. Maybe I’m trying to recapture my own innocence in some way. I hate that I’m no better than Barbara. That I just want you because of how you make me feel less desperate. I don’t want to hurt you, really I don’t, but I’m a bastard, Kira, you’ve got to know that.”
Kira stared into his eyes, knowing she needed to find exactly the right words and responding out of the pain he’d caused her by brushing off what was happening between them as his simple need to consume her innocence had hurt.
“None of us are perfect, Dev.”
“You are.”
She laughed, but his expression grew stormy and silenced her.
“I like you exactly how you are, Kira. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Before she was pulled under completely by the power of those eyes, she gave a little laugh and lightly added, “Well, except that maybe I hadn’t been a virgin.”
He shifted positions again and took her face in both hands.
“I wish you’d told me, that’s all I’d change.”
“Really? It doesn’t bother you that I don’t have experience, that I can’t be like Barbara?”
He shuddered dramatically.
“God forbid. The world doesn’t need more than one Barbara.” Then he sobered. “I have to be honest with you, Kira, I’ve never been with an innocent before. My sexual habits are…well, they’re…exotic, and I usually gravitate towards those that share them.