The entire process took about ten minutes. As Abel worked, blood slowly seeped to the surface, and the word skin was visible in my own blood. I became hyper-aware of this spot on my body that I had never given a second thought to before this moment. But I do now. I know it’s there. It was a strange and wonderful sensation. The best part of the process for me was at the end. As Abel put his final touches on my tattoo, he put his hand on my shoulder and whispered quietly into my ear, “Congratulations. Now you are one of us.”
It so struck me when he said that. The only community I was used to being accepted by was the gay community. I’d drive through West Hollywood and stretch my arms out wide, saying, “My people!” But here was a guy about as different from me as you could get: “Headbanger’s Ball” on the tube, heavy metal blaring through the shop, and here he was welcoming me into his community with open arms. It was like a door being opened. Making me realize how much I’d been putting myself into a box—I’m this, I’m that …
Not anymore, I’m not. No more boxes. Not for me.
The Beginning
• • •
IN THE PAST, I’VE ALWAYS HOOKED UP WITH SOMEONE else’s energy, but these days I’m getting to know myself. I used to spend a lot of energy trying to figure out what I was supposed to do for somebody else. I used to feel a pull on me. When I’ve been in relationships, I’ve put pressure on myself: I am supposed to be doing this or that, rather than doing what I wanted. That kind of thinking takes me right back to being ten years old. There’s someone telling me what to do, shaping what I look like and how I act. These days, I’ve taken over those responsibilities for myself and I am standing on my own two feet—I think, for the first time in my life. Amid all of the stress and pain and insanity, there’s a newfound excitement for discovering me.
For the most part, I was content with giving over all of that control to someone else. When I was busy doing my work, I didn’t have to worry as much about all of those things. I’m starting to realize just how much of myself I gave away. The energy I was putting out in my relationships I am now putting into my children and me. I have that energy for myself now. I am learning to draw better boundaries now than I ever have before. You get used to dancing with someone for so many years. You know what moves that person’s going to make. You can follow the steps very easily. But that is not what a relationship is all about. You get compliant. And toward the end of my relationship with Julie, I wasn’t really angry. I think that I was bitter. I resent the way the past few years of our life together unfolded.
STEPHANIE PFRIENDER © ISLAND RECORDS, INC., 1995
STEPHANIE PFRIENDER © ISLAND RECORDS, INC., 1995
STEPHANIE PFRIENDER © ISLAND RECORDS, INC., 1995
FRANK OCKENFELS
© ISLAND RECORDS, INC., 1995
We need to maintain some kind of rapport because of the children. We had to find a way to get along and communicate as co-parents. Julie is going to be in my life forever. That’s the reality of my situation. That’s my truth. Finding this common ground hasn’t been easy for either of us. I think that I am still numb about the whole breakup. I don’t feel a burning anything.
For the first time in my adult life, I am discovering who I really am. It’s been hard to get used to being a single woman. I’ve never really been single and surely not since I became famous. I went to the Proof of Life movie premiere with Laura Dern, Rosanna Arquette, and Meg Ryan—all of whom I consider my close friends. It was one of the first social things I did alone after announcing my breakup with Julie. Someone had asked me whether I felt comfortable because I always had the comfort and security of having Julie with me at this kind of Hollywood event. The truth is, I was not comfortable, but I liked that I wasn’t. I enjoyed feeling that way because, for the first time in a very long time, I felt me. Melissa the woman—the caring, feeling, emotional woman that I am becoming. It was the first time that I stood in front of the paparazzi line and had my picture taken as one, not half of one. I felt it was the beginning of a redefining of who I am. I came away from the night with a feeling of wanting to get to know myself better. In a strange way, I was transcended back to high school. Here I was at this big movie premiere, sitting with these huge stars and talking to them, and everyone is talking about “he said/she said” kind of stuff, and it was everything I had gone through in high school. It was the same old stuff but the people were better dressed! But, unlike high school, I felt very strong and more confident in my aloneness. My independence has been surprisingly empowering. I’m almost dizzy from how quickly things are changing in my life now that I am on my own.
I feel like I am relearning everything. I think this nervous excitement will overflow into my performances on stage. I feel like people know more about me now than ever before. When I go on tour this time, it’ll be the first time that I will be standing completely in my truth, not in some creative version of my life that I disguised in my music for as long as I have been composing. I’ve always been a good storyteller, but I had maintained a certain level of control, in terms of just how much of the story I would share through the songs. As truthful as they were, a certain amount of illusion was always generated. This time, when I get out on stage, everyone will know the whole story—the reality of what’s been happening in my life.
My new album, Skin, is filled with music that has never been closer to my core. And this time, when I get out there and sing songs like “Come to My Window” and “I’m the Only One,” each word will hit a little harder because I will be more exposed in every way. I’ve been wounded before, but I’ve never been as connected as I was in this last relationship. There’s never been this giant magnifying glass held over my life after the end of a relationship.
It’s all so new, and I feel more vulnerable than I have in the past. When my circumstances changed, so did my truth. That’s just the way it works. Maybe it’ll turn out to be a better one than it was? Who knows?
The first step in my catharsis after breaking up with Julie was to come to the realization that I can have the loving one-on-one partnership I have been looking for my whole life. When I first started writing this book, I had no immediate plans to go on tour. I planned to be home with my family. The prospect of recording a new album wasn’t even a thought in my head. I had been preparing to do a one-woman show on Broadway, and I had resolved to myself that I would probably never have all that I desired from my relationship—and I was willing to roll over on that need.
Fast forward to ten months later. It’s 2001 and I have changed my tune on almost all of the above. The biggest epiphany is that I want to be in love and I believe that I will someday find what I’ve been looking for. I believe that I will find someone who is strong on her own and is grounded and won’t need validation from me, and I won’t seek it from her. I want to be able to experience being big old loud Melissa. No judgments, no excuses. I want to wear my old cowboy boots and feel comfortable about who I am on the inside and out. I deserve a relationship with someone who is as in love with me as I am with her.
But I’m a mom now, so any relationship I’m going to have has to be balanced against that. The days when everything fell by the wayside for whoever my newest love might be are long gone. Because when I wake up in the morning, I’ve got two other souls to contend with, to nurture, to love. All that I have been seeking throughout my life I am now free to give to my own children—all of the love, affection, warmth, attention, security, safety, and communication that my journey has lacked. I am now in a position to propel their lives forward so they never have to ask why they didn’t get any of this. They’re a lot of work, but my two children are the most incredible thing that’s happened in my life. My breakup with Julie was hard. It was a new beginning for all of us. And even if my personal issues are still there, they’re less pressing. Children clarify things; they make the choices one has to make more obvious. I want to enjoy every day of this trip I’m on and share it with my two fabulous children, Bailey and Beckett.
; I’m not naïve. I realize that my children will face a set of challenges that other kids they grow up with will never know. I know that my children will be approached about having two mothers. They’ll be faced with answering questions about my alternative lifestyle. They might be teased about their famous mother. I hope they won’t, but it’s possible. As a mother, I want to try to protect them from anything bad that might come from my celebrity or my sexual preference. I would never want to be the cause of any pain for either of them. For me, their happiness and well-being weigh is a little higher on the scale of priorities than anything else. I am who I am, and that’s not going to change. All I can hope to do is teach my children about tolerance and understanding. I will always be honest with them about whatever they want to know.
Bailey came to me last year and wanted to know why she couldn’t have a daddy who lived in the house, like some of the rest of her friends. She said that she didn’t want David to be her daddy because he doesn’t live with us. I had to think carefully about how to answer her. I explained that even though David is her dad, he gave us a very special gift, and he doesn’t live in our house so that I can live here. My amazing daughter just looked at me and said, “Oh, okay.” And has never brought it up again. I am so glad that I found the answer to that question. I’m sure there will be many others down the road. I hope I will be able to gently guide them along the way. My children certainly know that they have a life filled with unconditional love.
Because I am always putting my personal life out there in the universe through my music, I know that my kids are going to start asking me questions about who I am and where some of these things come from. They’ll want to know how to get through life. What am I supposed to do to handle all of the curves? I want to encourage my kids that they can do anything they choose, be anything they desire. If they can imagine, they can make their fantasies a reality. Bailey and I were driving in my car and she was telling me that she really, really wants to fly. She said, “I know that I can get into an airplane and fly, but I want to fly without being in an airplane. I want to fly like a bird or a butterfly or a plane.” I answered by asking her how she thought she could do that. I didn’t want to say to her, “Nope, you can’t fly.” End of dream. I want her to feel shat she is a free spirit with endless possibilities and no limitations.
The safest, most perfect place I know
© 1996 MELISSA ETHERIDGE/PHOTO BY NICOLE BENGIVENO / MATRIX
© 1996 MELISSA ETHERIDGE/PHOTO BY NICOLE BENGIVENO / MATRIX
© 1996 MELISSA ETHERIDGE/PHOTO BY NICOLE BENGIVENO / MATRIX
At the end of the day, none of it—being famous and a gay role model; the political issues, the positive force, the music, the success—none of that compares to the happiness and love I have for my kids. Other things are completely secondary and do not even come close to their health, security, and happiness. They have helped me put my life into perspective. I am truly blessed by them, and I thank God every day for them. Being a parent is a wonderful blessing. The times that I have chosen to be truthful and stepped up are the times when I have been lifted up and moved up spiritually and emotionally. If I pass only one thing on to my children, I want them to know, have, respect, and understand the truth.
A TRUTHFUL LULLABY
How can I tell you of a world
That’s changing right in front of me
How can I give you to a world
That’s taken every breath from me
Who are these, these strangers
That cannot tell the love from lies
How can I send you to a world
Without a truthful lullaby
And when you find that what you seek
Is a conscience not within their minds
You slay the dragons as they sleep
Your souls are reluctantly entwined
Your brothers your sisters
Will race your dreams across the sky
I hope you find that what you seek
Is only a truthful lullaby
How can I tell you of a world
That’s changing right in front of me
How can I give you to a world
That’s taken every breath from me
And all I can give you
Is all I’ve learned in my own time
And so I send you to the world
With only a truthful lullaby
© 2001 MELISSA ETHERIDGE/PHOTO BY PAUL ROBINSON
© 2001 MELISSA ETHERIDGE/PHOTO BY PAUL ROBINSON
© 2001 MELISSA ETHERIDGE/PHOTO BY PAUL ROBINSON
© 2001 MELISSA ETHERIDGE/PHOTO BY PAUL ROBINSON
Afterword
• • •
It’s been a full year since I finished this book. A year as exciting and invigorating and terrifying as any I’ve known. So much of the year has felt like a long, steady climb out of a dark hole. After the breakup with Julie I spent more time alone than I ever have. The kids would be spending time with Julie and I’d wander my new house all by myself. I think I made a conscious effort not to fill up my time in the ways that I used to. I could have called friends, gone out, tried to pretend that things were okay. But things weren’t okay. And I really wanted to feel that, live with that feeling rather than pretend it wasn’t there. It wasn’t lonely, really, but it was alone. I think I was trying to gather myself together, my strength. I knew that eventually I’d look back on that time and think about how hard it was, but I also knew that if I was ever really going to get past it, move beyond it, then I had to really experience all those feelings, all those emotions, so I could truly move on without carrying any of that baggage with me.
In some sense, the book you’ve just read was the culmination of all my attempts to move on. I put my whole life down in one place … all my thoughts, fears, emotions, and problems, all in an attempt to move forward. To be new again. I wanted to cut loose from all the ties that bound me and enter the world fresh.
The problem with being fresh, of course, is that people suddenly take a new look at you. I’ve been in the public eye for many years now, but it was always my choice what people knew and when they knew it. The book changed all that.
One of my first interviews for the book was with a reporter from an English newspaper. She’d flown in to Los Angeles from London and had read the galleys for the book on the flight over. She showed up at my house, and I walked into the room ready for a normal interview. Suddenly, she was talking about things I’d never told anybody: my sister, my grandmother’s coconut cake. I was shocked. How did she know all these things about me? Who told her? I had to remind myself, Oh, yeah, it’s in the book. It’s all in the book.
I felt so exposed, so out-there during that interview. As we spoke, though, I slowly came to realize that what was exposed was just me. The real me. Not this image I’d built up over the years to hide behind, this wall of little secrets, one brick after another, but me. And suddenly the interview became easy. Almost healing. Because I didn’t have to deal with the wall anymore; I didn’t have to hide anything from anyone. I’d already talked about it all in the book and it was right there for anyone to see.
Had I not written this book, my new album and tour would have been weighed down with the breakup of my relationship. Everyone would have been asking the same questions over and over. In the same way that “outing” David as my children’s father stopped the barrage of questions and jokes on the subject, this book enabled me to stand up and get on with my life without staying focused on the past, on the personal. There was no more huge question mark as to what had happened, why it had happened, how it had happened. Instead of being forced into my past, reliving the same questions and problems over and over again with every new interviewer, I could just point to the book. Smile and tell them that the answers to all their questions were right there.
The reaction to the book was really gratifying. The New York Times bestseller list. Wow. All of my friends were really supportive, even the ones who felt a little left out because they hadn’t re
ally known the depth of the problems between Julie and me. The funny thing is, people always ask me about my sister, about my relationship with her. They think it was sort of left hanging in the book, and they always ask to get some sort of resolution about it. But there isn’t any resolution. It’s left hanging in the book because it’s left hanging in life. We traded messages just as the book was coming out, when I’d heard that someone from one of the newsmagazines had called her and I wanted to apologize. After all, she didn’t ask for this attention, this intrusion into her life. But we never spoke face-to-face, either about the book or the issues. Like I say … it’s still hanging there.
My mother, on the other hand, made it very clear what she thought of the book. She felt it was shameful of me to put my dirty laundry, my family’s private matters, out there for everyone to look at. Though our love for each other isn’t in question, I think she’s still angry at me about that. About the impropriety of talking about “secrets” out loud.
But I’m keeping true to that idea. The idea that the only shame is in hiding something, in not letting it see the light of day. I’ve had to deal with that so much this past year when I talk to my children. About the breakup. About how they have two mommies who love them. In two different houses. For Beckett, this past year is when he really became conscious, so this life is all he knows. Bailey, though, remembers how life was before, when Julie and I lived together. Bailey spent the first half of this year talking about going back to the old house, to the old life. And I’d have long conversations with her, helping her formulate the idea that just because things are different doesn’t mean she’s loved any less. She might not understand it all yet, but she feels loved by everyone in both houses, and, at the end of the day, that’s what’s important.
The Truth Is ... Page 17